OMG - my hospital don't let dads stay o/n!!

[Highlander]

are we back in the 18thC or soemthing? I've just found out that dads are 'not allowed' to stay for the first night on the postnatal ward. I'm horrified, especially after hearing all the stories about midwives not helping when you buzz. Maybe they're all too busy making up bottles. When I had DS, no-one was bottle feeding on our unit. DH is trying to calm me by saying we'll get a solo room and he will stay (he's a docotor himself).

I'm really panicing. I had such a good time with DS.

Well said nailpolish. It is VERY arrogant, in my opinion, to assume that if you have a high position you should be able to use it to get what you want within the NHS.

If you are having major abdominal by surgery to deliver your baby by choice then I think you need to accept the choice you have made and everything that goes with it, or go to the portland or similar as others have suggested.

I work within the matenity services and am constantly maddened by the state of things regarding midwife shortages but I am assuming you do have a choice regarding your birth and subsequent postnatal experience.

Have your baby at home so that you can all be together, or a vbac in hospital so that you can get an early discharge, or go private.

ooh good, at least we have someone who works in maternity services on thsi thread! Can I just ask what does happen when there are midwife shortages and the postnatal ward is at it's busiest? Are buzzers ignored?

sorry, meant at last not at least!!

1. I think the ante-natal and post-natal care on the NHS is adequate. I had most of my ante-natal care (and all of post-natal) with DS1 in Canada and from what I can see, it's pretty standard between countries. There are aspects of it, as harpsichord has highlighted, that are outdated. Obviously my grump is that when you give birth, the man is suddenly treated as dispensible - he has no role to play. My quick guess is that there is a 50-50 split from these posts on whether women want their partners present for the first 24 hours. Some women, like me, feel it is essential. I think I've written a few times on how crucial it is for me. In my last hospital ( a govt run, bog-standard place, paint peeling off the walls etc) partners were encouraged to be present as much as poss. DH stayed the first night - did all the nappy changing and I got comfy for BF. His role was invaluable - we shared DS's care, and all the anxieties that go with it when you have your first! Child psychologists reinforce that it takes 2 parents to rear a child, not just mum. Breast feeding counsellors tell us that 100% support from your partner is essential for successfull BF.

The issue that we have here is that attitudes to fathers is still stuck back in a Victorian era, and sadly the physical environment of most UK hospitals reinforces the attitude that babies are "wimmin's" business - dad can visit, but not fully participate.

I'm not going private. Cash won't buy me a better birth (I don't think?). It's attitudes that need to change. yes, cash will be necessary to change the environment of maternity units. But let's face it - if they can throw away money on outrageously expensive cardiological treatments for people who insist on smoking and overeating, then they can find money to focus on modern post-natal care and breastfeeding initiatives.

Crikey, is this woman for real????!!!

What on earth do you want???? Private won't give you a better birth? No - but it sure as hell will give you the private room that you so crave. And where on EARTH are you getting the figure of 50% not wanting their partners there in the first 24 hours??? All of us want them there in the first day - we just accept that not all hospitals allow partners to stay over, and we put up and shut up - not bleat on about other peoples "attitudes" needing to change.

Actually, no - that is true - but I think it's your attitude that needs to change.

This thread isn't a wind up btw, is it? It's getting faintly ridiculous.

oh dear - I have to justify why I'm having a CS

I chose a CS with DS by maternal request. Based this decision on the fact that DH and his sister have enormouse forheads (so the genetics is strong) and thier mum had awful births, with the pair of them being if foetal distress.

My priority with DS was giving him the best start in life, by BF. I knew BF would be hard work and I didn't want anything traumatic from the birth casue me to reject DS or not BF.

My OB was very reluctant to go with my decision. As the pregnancy progressed, things were lookign awkward as I had a front placenta (increased chance of OP she said) and at 38 weeks DS was on his side - had been the whole time.

The CS was complicated - DS's neck was also bent (haven't seen notes, don't know what this meant) - they had to ventouse him out. His head was very big and the paediatrician came to see him, and measure it, every day.

I went with my gut feeling, although I never, ever envisaged those problems - I had a fantastic birth - DS gained weight in hospital and I'm still BFing him at 17mo. I recovered very quickly from the CS.

The most intersting thing from all of this? I had a long interview with the OB afterward and they are using me as a teaching case for obstetric rsidents at my hospital, along the lines of listening to a mothers concerns or soemthing like that. She said I never would have delivered DS "naturally" and he almost certainly, in that position, would have gone into distress.

With #2, I'm not taking the risk of a "natural" birth.

Hope that answers your Q's.

some people don't smoke and don't over eat and have serious cardiac problems. my dd had a new operation performed on her that has so far helped to prevent her from needing a heart transplant. i would much rather the money goes on funding for cardiac wards and other simiiar life saving wards. i think life is much more important than letting baby's dad stay overnight.

peter has congenital heart disease I think? totally different

FFS - congenital heart disease is totally different (including some people having mutated LDL receptors that makes them sadly more prone to atheroma)

it's not a wind up. I'm in floods of tears now. You total cows. What the fuck is wrong with being together a as a family? Eh?????? Do I ahve to wait until my new baby is on death's door to entitle me to support from DH?

Bowing out. This thread has turned nasty.

Oh please, please go private.

personally I think NHS money would be better spent on Hesperin than providing accommodation for dh's/dps

exactly compo. there are much more important things that the nhs can spend it's money on. saving a life is the most important thing that the nhs should do.

Highlander, please don't get upset. I really do feel for you. I hated being seperated from my dp, and really could have used the help. I can totally see where you are coming from, and I think you are making valid points. But the funds of the NHS are limited, and balances have to be made between what it necessary and what is desirable. A heart patient needs treatment, whether illness is self inflicted or not.
You come across as very frightened of the thought of being in hospital alone, and you need support. There will be staff there to provide support, but you can't expect to demand that your dh will be there and not irritate others in doing so. I think if that's what you want to do, and you achieve that then good for you, you have to do what is best for your family - but you have to accept that it isn't fair on other mothers who may also have wanted the support of others and will find your actions obnoxious. I really do think you need to consider alternatives if it is that important to you, as you may not get your wishes. At the end of the day it isn't a priority when weighed up against life and death issues. It would be terrible for you not to enjoy the first night of your baby's life because you are upset, it would be better to make provisions beforehand.

i hope you are not calling me a cow highlander. i am trying to help. i just think if you go in with an attitude your experience will be bloody awful, whereas if you try and go with hospital policies, see why they are there, and treat them and the midwives with respect, you may have an experience you wish to remember for the rest of your life (positively)

and NO buzzers ARE NOT ignored - unless you call not answering a buzzer because you are already helping a patient 'ignoring'. you dont drop what you are doing to go help another, and there are more buzzers than nurses ok?

no bloody wonder people like me leave nursing after being called lazy, ignorant, etc etc, rant rant rant

highlander, why doesnt your dh stay the night in his office, and he could get some sleep, popping in to see you when you need him. the mw's would let you use the phone to call his office, its an internal call

close second, maybe?

Hope you are still here to read this highlander.

I had an emergency C section with dd at 2 in the morning. ds was an elective section ( my choice but also he was a footling breech and I had pre eclampsia) Ds was born at 10 in te morning.

Neither time did dh stay over, and neither time did I feel unsuported by the nursing and anciliary staff.

Dh was there to help me to bf the babes the first time. When I had ds, by the time dh had to go home I could get myself up to lift ds out of the cot. All I had to do was righ the buzzer for help.

I did end up getting an amenity bed....but that was because the other women and their visitors were getting on my nerves and preventing me getting any rest

Honestly, I didn't feel unsupported at all.

The nicest part was whan an older M/W wrapped up dd and put her in my arms and wrapped me up in bed. Bliss.

Message withdrawn

1. midwives are not nurses, please dont get them mixed up.

2. is anyone surprised the nhs is short of mw's and nurses? the pay is shite, the conditions are shite (2 half hr breaks in a 12 and a half hr shift, no say over your shift pattern in lots of places,etc etc i wont bore you), patients, relatives, doctors, all treat you like shite.

Calm down girls!

Highlander is clearly worried and emotional / hormonal. We've all been there, so let's all be nice and understanding.