OMG - my hospital don't let dads stay o/n!!

[Highlander]

are we back in the 18thC or soemthing? I've just found out that dads are 'not allowed' to stay for the first night on the postnatal ward. I'm horrified, especially after hearing all the stories about midwives not helping when you buzz. Maybe they're all too busy making up bottles. When I had DS, no-one was bottle feeding on our unit. DH is trying to calm me by saying we'll get a solo room and he will stay (he's a docotor himself).

I'm really panicing. I had such a good time with DS.

I didnt know dh's could stay over night. Although he was never told to leave!

Seems more common for DH's not to be allowed than for them to be allowed. Our hospital has all private rooms in its maternity ward (opened 3 years ago so all modern), and DH's are not allowed to stay. When I had DS it was still at the old hospital (missed new hospital by 2 weeks lol) but I did have a private room as there were two private rooms on the ward and still the DH's weren't allowed to stay. TBH, it never even occured to me to ask as, as far as I knew, DH going home in the evening is what happens in most hospitals. I think that allowing non patients to stay overnight does pose a security risk.

Visiting hours here are that DH can visit from 9-8, grandparents can visit from 2-8, and the rest can visit from 6-8. only siblings are allowed to visit and apparently that has something to do with children infecting the babies if they're not related - as in babies being exposed to infections they otherwise might not have been exposed to, if siblings have something then the baby will be exposed to that at home anyway.

I understand your concerns, but most hospitals have good midwife care, in my hospital the midwives were especially attentive to the patients who had had caesarean sections.

TBH you should feel happy that you have been able to experience something, i.e. your DH being able to share your first night together, that most mums have never and will never experience.

I must admit that I am surprised how many women seem happy to accept the status quo of what is "policy" - often without questioning it.
the merest glance at some of the experiences posted on this site show that the status quo does not give women a good or even a satisfactort experience.
I say thank god for the NCT and other individuals and organisations who have campaigned for the changes that have taken place in maternity wards in the past twenty years
otherwise we would all be giving birth lying on our backs, under anaesthesia, getting all our pubic hair shaved off, having enemas, having our babies taken away from us and kept in nurseries, being given formula from day one as a matter of course....
all of which were poloicy not so long ago.

Ditto with Whipp's Cross. Was there for DS2 who was born after emergency CS. Born in middle of night so following night was up on ward (4 per room - full when I got there). In middle of night realised DS2 hadn't been changed for hours and hours and I couldn't move. Pressed buzzer and a woman appeared who didn't really speak English. I tried to politely ask if she wouldn't mind changing his nappy and she sort of shouted, "You want ME to change the BABY???" and then did a big huff and started stomping around my "cubicle", slamming doors of cupboards etc. She found some Flash anti-bacterial wipes and waved those in a "are these the baby wipes" sort of fashion? By this time, DS2 was crying, I was crying and then, somehow she managed to trap my wound drain tube in the cupboard and pulled it out. I just held up one end of the tube (wasn't sure where it was from) and said, "What's this?". She took one look, screamed, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD" and ran off. By this time, the three other women on the ward had been woken up. One of them picked up DS2 to try to calm him. All the midwives rushed in and told me to calm down "otherwise I'd upset the baby". It was horrendous and I should have made an official complaint but didn't. Apparently, I was told she was an auxiliary "from the other side" whatever the hell that means. To make up for it, I had a lovely midwife the following night who was very soothing and tucked DS2 up in bed with me. Whipps Cross? Avoid at all costs. Every time anyone asked me how I was, I just said,"when can I go home?" Blood all over the toilets, showers the size of shoe boxes...I could go on. Sorry for length of message. It's been four and half years since the experience and I'm still fuming about it .

P.S. Agree with Xannie. Don't think it's a priority that DH's stay the night. Beds are a priority and it's not a hotel.

Having read this thread I am pleased that I have decided on a home birth for my first child.

My husband is an essential part of child making and in my eyes an essential part of child rearing too !!!

I want us to work out together the joys and upset of raising a baby/child together from the first night.

This thread has strengthed my resolve to have a home birth and if I get transfered to hospital I am signing myself and the baby out straight away to go home.

TBH I don't think my dh would have wanted to stay. I had an emergency cs after long labour at home (anticipated home birth). We were both overwhelmed by the whole experience. He left to go home around 5:00am, and told me the next day he had had no sleep as he had virtually been in shock, and like most men, could only cope with it on his own. Had he been in the hospital I would have been so worried about him and the baby it could have slowed my recovery. He was a much better support to me for having his time to recover.

Babieseverywhere, I really hope you get the birth you want, but it's by no means a matter of choice. Having an emergency cs was most definitely not on my birth plan but that's what I ended up with and there wasn't much I could do about it.

i am shocked by the amount of you who have had ngative experiences with m/w's at your hospitals. i have had 2 sections both at the rbh in Reading and received excellent care, even though this hospital has received criticism in the past and still does today, i could not find anyhting to fault them.
the first c/s was an emergency after a failed induction and over 2 days of labour, but once up on the post natal ward i could not fault the care that was given. i was in a private room, but the m/w's or care assistants were fairly prompt when i called them, they were chatty, helpful, and nothing seemed too much trouble, in fact by the time i left 10 days later they felt like good friends! ds2 was an elective c/s for breech and this time i was up on the ward in a small bay of four women all of whom had a c.s and again the m/w were friendly to all of us, all helping, taking time to sit with one of the women who was distraught that she had ended up with asection, to chat through her notes and explain why things had happened. removed my catheter and cannula without probs, slightly earlier than 'protocol' as i was more mobile than i was expected to be. consulted as to when i wanted to go home and who i had as support at home. both times visiting hours were fairly flexible partners could visit from 9-9 and other family, friends and siblings could visit 3-9. tbh by 9pm i wwas glad that visitors had to go as the bay was quite loud and i could see that the m/w and hca were finding it difficult to get things done with so amny visitors around. most people left at 9 without a problem, but ther were a few who would wait until they were virtually kicked ot the door, and in the bay that i was in, this is the woma who had had a constant stream of visitors from the beginning of visitng time, who were loud, let the siblings run around, under beds, climbing chairs and tables etc and then complaining that visiting times were unfair, well for the rest of us in the bay it was a blessing when visiting time was up as we could finally get some peace and quiet!
i really don't know what to say about your situation though highlander, i'm pretty certain that if you are as vocal at the hospital asyou are on mn about the matter, that you will undoubtedly get your own way, but feel that this is unreasonable and unfair on the other women that you may be sharing with.

Try and just go home as soon as possible in my hospital dh could not stay and I could not even have the curtain things drawn around me they said they have to stay open, as I was getting looks from the other bottle feeding Mom's as my ds could not latch on well and cried constantly. Te midwives were awful, it was far too hot, and I could nto eat the food and I hated it. Big up St John's in Livingston Scotland....mmm.

snap, hadalifeonce. Dp was so shell-shocked (no sleep, half a sandwich in about 18hrs, having to listen to ds's heartbeat on the monitor for hours on end - is it too fast? too slow??) that he practically ran out of the ward as soon as I was settled, to "get some rest". He didn't fall asleep until midnight (having left me and ds at lunchtime), by which time he was hallucinating.

I wish he'd had more support, never mind me, but there's so much pressure on men to be the proud, happy dad that no one stops to ask how they feel .

I didn't want to say before incase it was like rubbing salt in the wounds of those who have had terrible experiences but can i just say, i have had 2 very positive hospital Births. (Just to reassure those who are pregnant for the first time as i was terrified that it was going to be a nightmare).
They're not all bad. Although that is little consolation for those with awful memories, i feel it's importatnt for those now terrified to hear.

Imagine if all dads were allowed to stay in the postnatal ward overnight - it would be chaos. As well, the new dads getting a good nights sleep will help you the next day when you might be exhausted. The midwives were none existent for me, but knowing that this time around I will be sure all the bits I need are ready to hand without their assistance. Incidentally, some hospitals have great volunteers - seek them out instead of the midwives for a bit of relief.

When I had my son 2yrs ago I had this mad idea in labour that as soon as the baby was out I woudl sleep like a dog for ages. Ofcourse that was nonesense & i didnt sleep for the next 2 days! But I really believe I would have had some well needed rest & support if my partner could have stayed with me. My son came at 11pm and we were trasnferred to ward about 2 am. My DP was sent home and both he and I lay awake in stunned shock and elation waiting, apart until the morning came when we could be together again and enjoy the moment we were now in. My son slept like an angel and I just watched him all night I will never forget it. I dared to sleep in cae he needed me I had no idea what to do.

I am pregnant again, and although other thatn this part my exp of the hospital was positive I am considering a home birth this time not because of any great desire to give birth at home but to avoid being seperate at such an emotional time from everyone I know and love.

just goes to show it not what you know
but who you know and to pull a few strings here and there and make demands
I think this attitude is degrading and demeaning to other women for example greensleeves who really needed their dh with them, at that time.

Agree that we are people not slabs of meat on a production line but until such a time when dh's staying is standard policy then why should it just be the selected chosen few who get what they want. That attitude is so unfair to other women.

Btw spent enough time in hospital last year (on different wards) to know that the consultants are the boss and what they says goes.

Also lets not forget that 30 odd years ago, dads werent even allowed at the birth but it did not stop them from "bonding" with their children.

I have just had DD2 and my husband would not have been allowed to stay overnight (we didn't ask for him to). He wasn't even allowed to stay during mealtimes because they cannot allow non-patients to be wandering around the ward with babies left at bedsides at mums in the dining room - for security purposes. I was 24 hrs post CS so would have been grateful for my husband to stay and help me, but I wouldn't have wanted everyone elses husbands there too (security/noise etc)- so I had to play fair. My husband is a doctor at the same hospital and we had a side room but the same rules applied regarding visiting. It is important to have support from daddies but its also important to maintain security and ensure that women don't feel vulnerable x

When I was in Sheffield (Jessop wing) with my ds, I had a c-section (planned) and had booked a private room. What they didn't tell me was that because I'd had anaesthetic (spinal) I had to be in a ward on the first night, so there I was, in a bay of 4, with 3 bottlefed babies sleeping happily, and my, soon-to-be-breast fed baby screaming the house down. DH had to leave at about 9/10pm. The next night, when I hadn't got my room by 8pm I wept, not difficult, and got one asap. DH still had to go home, but the midwives were great, and they even took DS away for an hour or so in the wee small hours to give me some rest. DHs still weren't allowed to stay the night though, but at least I could use my mobile since I was in a room on my own.
Good luck anyway - it'll be a blur and then you'll be home.

Have just read more of the posts - and Highlander I'm horrified!

My husband is a consultant in a large teaching hospital and I am a nurse. Your husband will know that patient safety and security is paramount and I'm sure he would be furious if his patients were made to feel vulnerable or uncomfortable or unfairly treated.

I'm also certain that your husband knows how anxious you clearly are and wants to protect and support you in anyway he can - as any husband/daddy would.

If you're unahappy with the policies in place at your hospital to protect patients then you might be better booking at an alternative hospital where the practices are more to your liking, or opting for early discharge or home birth if possible. If you've heard terrible stories about midwives not answering buzzers/being unwilling to help then maybe you should be looking for another hospital anyway?

Another vote here for St Johns....fab, fab, fab - and no private room either! DH and kids managed to bond just fine.

I'm sure when the time comes (if you haven't gone private, which sounds as if it would be the best route for all concerned in your delivery), then you'll manage just fine without your dh around for a few hours.

your dh will do you and himself no favours if he stands in the ward and says "im a consultant in this hospital, i am staying the night" the midwives (and speaking as a nurse myself) will not take that from anyone, even a 'consultant', believe it or not. they will inform the consultant of their ward and he will deal with the matter, whether they are friends or not. im really sorry highlander, i understand how you feel, but its just not on. you need to understand this. there are more important things for you to be thinking about, your new baby, and getting well enough to go home and start your life with your new baby. do you really want your memories of baby's first few days to be of fighting with the midwives? im sure not. good luck x

And the other mothers will probably not be too happy, either, if an arrogant consultant and his wife start stamping their little feet and demanding to stay, when their dh/p's haven't been able to.

PMSL at the cyberspace character people on here seem to think I am DH would be horrified at the description of an "arrogant consultant". Mind you we do both have "little feet"

so hes not arrogant? well he wont be using his position to demand to stay the night then

I'm afraid that's the picture you are painting by your posts...sometimes we don't see ourselves as others see us, do we? Being accused of being arrogant is not something that most of us would admit to, but sadly, that's the way you're coming across.
BTW - I noticed that a number of questions are going unanswered...why don't you go private if you don't like what the NHS can offer, or why don't you switch hospitals? Please enlighten us...