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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Having my mum present at the birth

146 replies

Firsttimemum36 · 29/02/2012 22:09

Just watching OBEM and the presence of parents in the labour room. DH said "well of course it'll just be the two of us". I haven't really thought about it yet tbh. My parents live a flight away and I always thought my mum would be here at the time of the birth - but then would it be odd to leave her at home when I went labour?

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scarletfingernail · 04/03/2012 09:17

I'm very close to my Mum, I would say she is my best friend. However I wouldn't even consider having her present at the birth.

I understand some people wanting their mum there if they are very young, or if perhaps they're worried that their DH/DP would not cope well. Other than that I find it a bit odd. Labour is not a pleasant thing to experience or witness and that actual moment of birth and immediately after is the most special time. I wouldn't want anyone else to be part of it. DH and I were so close after it, I'm so pleased we chose to have that time just for us.

DC2 due to arrive in a few weeks, Mum is happy enough to visit in hospital soon after. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Of course it is your decision and this thread proves we all feel very differently about it. But I do think your DH's thoughts and feelings on the subject should be considered. If he only sees your mum twice a year he may feel he's not close enough to her to be himself and show his emotions in front of her. In which case you'll have to think about how you imagine you want that birth moment to be. If your mum is there he may be more likely to withdraw.

DumSpiroSpero · 04/03/2012 09:44

I think scarlett makes a good point re DH's feelings about - another reason I wouldn't have had my mum there - I'd have been too busy refereeing to concentrate on anything else!

As it was DH did a sterling job of keeping my mum posted by phone (I was induced so had to tell them when I was going in - wouldn't have done otherwise) - he lied through his teeth about how well everything was going until I had my EMCS, then made sure they were the first to know and the first ones into visit, in spite of the fact they rarely see eye to eye.

He also managed to cope with all the more grim aspects of labour and hold my hand whilst DD was delivered in spite of being extremely squeamish, which did make us much closer afterwards and I don't think would have happened had I had someone else there.

exoticfruits · 04/03/2012 10:03

I agree with Scarlett-a good post.

pommedechocolat · 04/03/2012 10:04

I concur with those present at conception only present at birth. My mum came to see me very soon after both births (with dd1 very soon as dh was totally exhausted and needed relieving).

It's such an immediate family only moment, I can't imagine extending that at all.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 04/03/2012 11:10

Know what you mean about the "refereeing" you'd be doing throughout labour Spiro - haviing my DH and DM in the birth room together whilst in labour would certainly have been a nightmare for me

DumSpiroSpero · 04/03/2012 11:14

...and of course if my mum was there then MIL would have been expecting to at least be hovering outside the door...

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 04/03/2012 11:25

Read that as "hoovering" for a moment Spiro - which is probably what my MIL would have been doing given half a chance ! God bless her !

DumSpiroSpero · 04/03/2012 11:59

Nah, it's my mum that would have been hoovering!

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 04/03/2012 13:36

My mum was with my first and I was so glad to have her there as I was terrified. She was a fantastic support to me. With my second, my exP insisted it just be him and me, and I wish I'd had her there because he was useless and the labour was horrible. I'd been induced with the drip and went from 0-60 in about an hour, instead of supporting me, ex got nasty and argumentative. Not my best birth experience.

buterflies · 04/03/2012 16:19

Up to you. I had my mum there and (now ex) partner for my first and my mum was much more help than my ex partner.

This time (I am getting induced on Tues) it will be my partner and my best friend as mum will be looking after DS1.

I think its best to have two people as when one needs to have a lil break, get something to eat etc. the other person can be there supporting you as labour can take such a long (and sometimes very boring) time.

Good luck whoever you choose.

TrollopDollop · 04/03/2012 19:35

Tread carfeully is all I would say. I love my mum and we get on great. She was at the birth of my first child with my husband. It was his idea as he didn't think he would be able to cope on the day. Well, I was pretty out of it on g&a and did a few things I wouldnt normally do (ahem). I really thought what went on in the labour room, stayed in the labour room. But not according to my mother. A few months later I was out with my mum and her best friend when my dalring mother proceeded to tell her best friend about something I had done whilst in labour . Still to this day I feel a sense of betrayal and regret having let her share my private moment. If you do have your mum (or anyone) there then lay the ground rules down and be sure they can be trusted to be discreet. Any doubts then don't do it. Needless to say she wasn't there for the next child and she won't be again.

Abitwobblynow · 04/03/2012 20:34

I would have loved mu Mum there ):

snowmaiden · 04/03/2012 20:38

Can't understand why any woman would want her mum there if she has a partner!

exoticfruits · 04/03/2012 20:52

You feel sorry for the partner, snowmaiden! Just imagine it the other way around-some deeply personal experience and DH wants his mother there too!!

snowmaiden · 04/03/2012 23:01

No, I don't feel sorry for anybody! I just don't see why you would ant your mum when you have the father of your baby there and have a good realtionship. Yeah, mum if you are single.

If DH wanted his mother there in a similar situation I would be very

mathanxiety · 05/03/2012 01:20

No way.

She would have been too 'Yes doctor' to have been of any help, and anyway, when she had babies women were strapped to the bed and doped to the eyeballs -- not anywhere close to the same experience.

Then there would have the 'ick' factor, the too much sharing, the fact that giving birth is a grown up things to do and surely you wouldn't need your mummy there..

mathanxiety · 05/03/2012 01:27

She came over (to the US) to take care of the other DCs before my due date 3 out of five times (not for first or third) and I ended up giving her instructions about what to take out of the freezer to thaw or dinner, how much to make for everyone, whether to hoover, etc. She was great with the DCs, taking them for walks, reading, playing, but when it came to practical stuff she was definitely away with the fairies, and I think I would have had to prompt her all the way in the delivery room too.

StealthPenguin · 05/03/2012 08:43

I had my mother there, and she was the best of best.

She was supportive, knew what was happening, talked me through everything, she brought aromatherapy incense and my fully-charged iPod so I could listen to music and try to sing along during contractions. And because she's a nurse she was able to argue my case when she felt the staff weren't doing enough/were delaying/were confused because X and Y had happened before they had a chance to Z.

She was the one who told the consultant to piss off and just cut me open! In her defense I'd been in labour for almost a full day and they'd tried everything to have me deliver naturally!

Donnaloui · 05/03/2012 09:00

My Mum was my birth partner at the birth of my first child. I was not speaking to the baby's father at the time!! My Mum was brilliant and it always made her have a special bond with my son. This was particularly moving recently when she passed away after illness and my son stood up at the service to read his memories. He will always have that connection.
However she never volunteered again and luckily once we were on speaking terms again my partner attended the births of my two daughters and was a fantastic support, especially when I finally got my wish to have a home birth with my third child.

supernannyisace · 05/03/2012 19:58

It is up to the individual I say.

Personally i wouldn't have had my mother there - no way. We don't do personal stuff....

Just partner was there. And I made him stay at the head end ha ha ha :)

Cyclebump · 06/03/2012 09:20

It's a very personal decision.

My mum cane with us to the hospital (she drove) and brought a book with her as she expected to be kicked out at some point but would stay in the car/corridor to support DH (overnight labour, we were knackered, no men's loos on labour ward so he had to leave a couple of times).

As it was she stayed throughout and was fab. She fetched midwives and cold water, kept out of the way for most of it, held my hand while I was stitched and described DH holding DS as I couldn't see them. She was also great for explaining my medical history to the mws and, when stirrups were brought in, she explained calmly why I couldn't use them (hip condition, they'd been ruled out by consultant). She even cut the cord, with my permission.

After the event she has said nothing but how strong and brave I was to others and stepped away to give us some space without being asked.

She was, frankly, amazing.

Not every mum is in that situation, and DH and she have a fab relationship, which helped, but the decision is yours and yours alone.

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