Having my mum present at the birth

[Firsttimemum36]

Just watching OBEM and the presence of parents in the labour room. DH said "well of course it'll just be the two of us". I haven't really thought about it yet tbh. My parents live a flight away and I always thought my mum would be here at the time of the birth - but then would it be odd to leave her at home when I went labour?

How lovely that you have such a good relationship with your mum that you can even contemplate her being there.
For me, I can't imagine anything worse.
Main thing, is to do what you feel (you won't be thinking at the time ;) is right and have people around you who will go with YOUR flow.

My mum wasn't there for the actual birth but dh called her right after to come to the hospital. It was great to have her there to help me shower and keep me company since my ds had to be taken to for tests and dh went with him and after the birth all of the midwives seemed to bugger off and leave me alone. Mum was so supportive and I really needed her until I could go and see ds and find out what was going on. (he's fine now)

My mum has been present at 2 out of 3 of my dc's births. She only missed the first as we were overseas and dd came 3 weeks early. She was there 6 hours later after resigning from her job as they wouldn't give her leave (she didn't like it anyway!).

She was absolutely fantastic and even though I had one birth without her I still wanted her there for the ones that she could attend, DH was abit when I told him for dc2 but after the event he did say it was really nice having the 2 of them... and I had a much better labour.

I credit my mum alone with the fact that I am still breastfeeding dc3 at 27months, she sat with me and supported me during every difficult first feed with dd1 night or day when dh had to go to work (she stayed with us for a couple of weeks after).

If you have a close relationship with your mum then go for it.

My ma has been there for 2 out 3 births. One a hospital birth and one a home birth. She's an ex midwife anyway.

First labour I invited mom to the birth as DH is squeamish about blood, needles etc. As it happens he was really good, but so was mom, her words of wisdom and coaching through the pushing was invaluable.
At one point though I was really nasty to her and she left the room for a weep I think.
As the labour progressed she kept looking at me in a pityish way and was stroking me in softly, softly pathetic way and it irrated the hell outta me.
I apologised, she didn't want to see her daugher in pain, durr, but she said she understood, it wasn't me, it was the pain talking.

like everyone else says....

only have the people there you know are going to be of help and don't underestimate how much help you're going to need. I don't think my DP would have managed on his own.

knowing DP might get caught up and be a few hours away i prearranged to have my DSis as alternate.

As it happened DD was taking her sweet time coming, so they both got to take shifts in staying with me.

As a bonus it's a great source of bonding for them to this day......they both remember everything i said under the influence, which apparantly was side splitting funny and not like my normal drivel.

I don't think it would be odd for her to stay at home. I am always surprised by how many mothers are there on OBEM! I think it depends on your relationship with her and how she reacts to potentially stressful situations. Has she been a good support to you while you have been pregnant? Also, you need to think about whether or not she will be an advocate for you and support you. The midwife who did my antenatal classes said that they get mothers coming in who think their daughters should be in bed the whole time, for example, or who tell them that they should be getting a shave and an enema because that was their experience of labour!

The hopital DD was born in actually only allowed one birth partner anyway, so you might want to check this first.

Obviously who is there is primarily your decision but you might want to talk to your DH about how he feels, too. Might he feel that your mum would take over and that he would be sidelined? Or perhaps if he doesn't know her very well he doesn't feel that she would be a good support for him?

FWIW, I definitely would not have my mum there because she likes to dominate most situations and would definitly expect DH to take a back seat both during labour and once the baby was born (she has form for this from when my DD was born). Due to her own experiences of childbirth would not be able to provide good support for me as her feelings would take over- this is how she was when I had problems in my previous pregnancy. Also, it was an important time for me and DH as a couple and I think anyone else would have felt like a third wheel.

my mum was there with me all the way through the process. She was amazing and I think in a way it brought us closer! I think she was a bit shocked with the sware words towards the end ! hee hee

I don't know anyone whose mum was in with them. I am close to my mum but we live 3 hours drive away and we don't have that kind of warts'n'all relationship. My mum didn't even see my wedding dress before the big day! I honestly can't imagine her having been there. The birth of DS was something that only involved DH and me - the start of our own family.

When I was pg with DS I didnt think I'd want my mum there for the actual birth. I thought she wouldn't be any use in hospital and wanted her at home cooking a nice meal for us when we returned. As it happened, my waters broke while she was staying over, we went into hospital to be checked over thinking they might send me home and when it was obvious I'd gone into labour I asked DH to call my mum in. She was brilliant, absolultely rock solid - very encouraging, took care of all the 'dirty work' that even the midwives said she didn't need to do, allowed DH to go and get snacks and coffee. Took me to the toilet during labour when I was too spun out on pethidine to go myself. Helped me in the shower afterwards while DH held DS.
Would love her to be there when I'm due next month...but we'll have to see if we can get someone to look after DS at home so she can come in with us again.

If you get on well with your mum then I really recommend having that second birth partner there. It's very hard for your partner to stand by and watch you go through so much pain not being able to do anything, but mum's do understand.

I'm close to my dm, although she lives several hundred miles away. Despite her visiting when I've been about to give birth, I have never for one minute considered having her with me.

Personally I think having a baby is a special event for you and your dh, and the most intimate event ever, so I wouldn't want anyone else Barr medical staff there. I'm shocked by how one-sided the other way this thread is.

I didn't want anyone at all with me.. this thread makes me wonder if I'm really odd in that.
Both births for the pushing bit it was just me and the midwives, it was great.
(but I was abroad and midwives were more readily available).

I enjoyed both births and I just wanted to focus on what I was doing.

But for what it's worth I don't think it's odd at all to want your mum there, if you have that kind of relationship, it's a personal thing.

I wouldn't have wanted my mother there I felt it was an intimate experience for DH and I. They drove straight down to see us the day after DCs were born but I wouldn't have wanted them there for the birth. I also don't know anyone in real life who had their mother with them.

On OBEM I was really surprised that Vikki had her mum and mother in law with her. I felt like she was almost being smothered by the number of people there.

My Mum has been at all three of my births.

She has been both amazing at supporting me and great at caring for the older ones while I had my two homebirths. After I had DD1 she came round every day for three months to help (DD1 was prem, only real problem was feeding) me in the endless express-feed-top up routine until DD1 finally latched on!

After DD2 was born she came round every day for a fortnight to hold DD2 so I could eat dinner with DP and DD1, she also took DD1 out a lot.

After DD3 was born she did the shopping, took the older two out and bought flowers and chocolates for me!

Yes I agree with ghoul I dont like all those snigger snigger comments between dhs and mums about the conception and sex on OBEM and being told something like ' you should have exercised more during your pregnancy' and then you'd be ok type comments, like Olga had last night on OBEM, especially in that sort of situation would have set me off on a downward spiral for sure ending in an argument.

DH for me. I would hate to have my mum present. If I didn't have a DH, I would have a doula.

My dm would have loved to have been there for any one of my 3 dcs, but only because (in her words) "I would love to see a baby being born and you're my only chance" rather than because she wanted to help/support/look after me.

Self-interest is one of her defining characteristics. I love her to bits, but she drives me up the wall - and that's on a good day. I cannot imagine anyone in my immediate family I would want to have had there less than my mother!

Having said that, dh was bloody marvellous all 3 times. He saw it all, from all angles (and 2 were pretty awful) and just says that it increased his feelings of "my wife is wonderful and amazing and brilliant" and general awe at the whole thing - and we definitely felt like we had 'done it together' with each one.

But as everyone says, it depends on what you want, what will make you feel best supported and happy, not what anyone else expects or demands (and definitely shouldn't be decided by feeling that your dm has paid for flights so deserves to be there for the birth).

Good luck :)

i had my wonderful mil and dh in with me, well when i say in with me i really mean running down the corridor following me in the wheelchair the mw just happened to turn the wheel chair round to go in the room when madam decided now was a good time to pop out leaving both mil and dh with arms out streached to catch her but good old mum caught her between her knees, the one and only birth that they have both witnessed, they were shocked to say the least pmsl thinking about it again...

no way would i want my mum there, i dont know why but nope not for me.

when i had my ds3 i had dp and a friend with me, i had supported my friend when she had her dd a year before and it was an amzing experience so as soon as i was preg with ds3 i knew i wanted her to be there for the birth.

I'm sure she wouldn't think it was odd to not go with you - it probably hasn't occurred to her that you would consider having her there (definitely wouldn't occur to my mum!).

My first baby's due in three weeks, so I've not been through it yet, but I can't imagine wanting anyone other than DH - it's our shared experience, and I'm looking forward to getting through it together, and having it to look back on as a couple. I understand why people are saying that it's entirely up to you, and of course ultimately it is, but I do think your husband's feelings are relevant too. It's the birth of his child, and I think having someone else there, particularly someone so much closer to you than to him, might detract from that sense that the three of you are becoming a family. Interesting that so many people do choose to have their mums there though - many more than I would have anticipated!

Good luck, whatever you decide!

My lovely mum offered to come and wait in the waiting room when ds was born, we politely declined as my dh said he didn't want anyone but us there, as it ended up dh said a bit too late would i like my dm to be there, by which time she was about an hour away.

I wish now i had taken her up in offer as things went very far from how i had hoped, especially as i totally trust that she would have stayed in waiting room unless asked to do something else and i think dh would have been super appreciative, as it was a very long induction to have had someone to delegate to even if just to buy himself a mars bar and use the toilet!
When ds had been born, eventually, he was whisked off to special care, dh went too, as i had instructed him to, but would have been lovely to have someone to hold my hand whilst i was stitched up, and to stop me from feeling i was about to fall off the bed (lost a lot of blood, so was very wobbly)

I am very close to my mum but when she had a heart attack at 53* I realised instead of sharing everything with her as I had previously, there were probably some things about me she needn't worry about.

So in short, I would rather just ring her up and say "I've had a little girl" etc than burden her with the worry of seeing me go through pain etc. Though she'd have been there in a heartbeat if I asked.

*She's 72 and has had no major problems since, touch wood etc.

My Mum was my birth partner with DD1 and she said never again

I didn't want my Mum there. Nothing against her, at all, I just wanted it to be me and DH for that "life changing moment" and for the first few hours before hand. Mum was able to pop into the delivery room to see me, as she was visiting another family member at the time, but she stayed 20 mins then left. I could have asked her then, had I changed my mind, but I hadn't and was happy with my decision.

My SIL had a baby a few weeks before me, and MIL went in with her, so I thought this was the ideal time to address it with my Mum so she didn't have any pre-conceptions. She said I wasn't to worry, it was my and DH's moment, and she'd be much better use making sure everything was ready for us at our home on our return.

Even with any further pregnancies, I won't be inviting my Mum to join me. I actually don't think I would ask anyone bar DH, and should he not be able to be there, I'd go in on my own.