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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Having my mum present at the birth

146 replies

Firsttimemum36 · 29/02/2012 22:09

Just watching OBEM and the presence of parents in the labour room. DH said "well of course it'll just be the two of us". I haven't really thought about it yet tbh. My parents live a flight away and I always thought my mum would be here at the time of the birth - but then would it be odd to leave her at home when I went labour?

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TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 02/03/2012 15:53

Well, I started off without Mum, just DH and me, but just after I reached 3cm DD's death was diagnosed and the doctor asked if we wanted anyone else to help us, so we called Mum in. She was brilliant - DH was in shock, devastated and knackered after 2 days of stop-start latent labour with little sleep. Mum was able to keep me calm, help me with my breathing, fetch things and hold my hand during the 12 hours of labour that followed. DH was also great, but it meant he could have a nap and be fresh when things started heating up. His parents turned up sometime in the middle of the night and his dad suggested he go home for a sleep - um, no! MIL commented on how much weight DH had put on . He kicked them out fairly sharpish after that.

cerys74 · 02/03/2012 16:25

I would never in a million years want my mother there. She cries at the slightest stress, gets uncomfortable with anything too real and told me that she never BF me or my siblings because she found BF 'weird and scary'. Also I'd probably take advantage of being high on gas and air to tell her she was a crap mum when I was growing up, so that would probably sour proceedings somewhat!!

I was amazed at the person who said 60% of mums-to-be in her ward have both mother and partner with them....I can't imagine that sort of parental relationship. Suppose I should be jealous really.

vixsatis · 02/03/2012 17:46

Good lord no. Nightmare in every conceivable way

Weezie85 · 02/03/2012 17:47

I will be taking my MIL in with me. She is like my mum to be honest.
Other half may be doing his job if baby decides to be late and come at the weekend. If its the weekend she will be driving up to stay with us as I will need someone to take me to the hospital, if its during the week I imagine we will be calling her and she will drive up anyway.
I think it just depends how you feel really. My other half is great and very calm but hates needles and blood so thought it might be practical to have someone else there in case he hits the floor. Haha.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges · 02/03/2012 17:56

Oh, Turtle Doves, I'm so sorry

Shakey1500 · 02/03/2012 18:14

I also didn't want my mum at the birth. In fact, we were having Sunday dinner with her when the labour pains started. My sister was there and mouthed "Are you in labour??!" I gave a slight nod, made my excuses and motioned to my sister that I'd call her. My sister understood that I wouldnt want her anywhere near and didnt tell her I'd had my son until after the birth.

ViolaCrayola · 02/03/2012 18:54

I had my mum at the birth of DS. I am now pregnant with DC2 and she won't be there - she'll be looking after DS :)

I felt like I needed her the first time but this time I'm happy for it to be the two of us.

Issieander · 02/03/2012 20:00

I had my mum with me for the birth of DC2, by default, as the birth was very quick and DP was stuck in a taxi between the station and hospital (my fault as I refused to believe I was in labour and sent him to work!!!). Mum was absolutely brilliant, very discreet and supportive and then quietly left the moment DP arrived. She then went home to relieve MIL who was looking after DC1, changed my bed, cleaned the house and made dinner - ABSOLUTE STAR - would be completely lost without her

Doozie · 02/03/2012 20:35

TooImmatureTurtleDoves - I'm so sorry. How incredibly sad and heartbreaking. Thank goodness you had your mum and DH.

I see you are expecting again - congratulations and best wishes.

GrownUpNinjaWarrior · 02/03/2012 20:42

In my case it was have my mum with me, or do it on my own, as was the case throughout the whole pregnancy, and indeed the whole of DDs three and a half years.

Mousey84 · 02/03/2012 21:44

My mum was my birthing partner but fainted when they scanned me on arrival and again when they agreed baby was def on it ways. Needless to say she didnt stick around for the c-section. (Thankfully a kind midwife took pity on me and stayed after her shift to hold my hand throughout)

elkiedee · 02/03/2012 21:56

I wouldn't have thought I wanted it in advance, but my mum was there for DS1's birth and it was great. With DS2, I went into labour on the day London had more snow than many of us had ever seen here, and in 2009 no one knew what to do about it and all the buses were off the roads. He was eventually born by CS at 3.30 am the next morning, and my mum set off from home about 6 am and arrived at about 11, much to my relief as I was worrying about her on those roads.

She's a very adored grandmother for my 2, I just hope she gets to enjoy more of her grandchildren via my brother and sister.

BackforGood · 02/03/2012 21:56

I've just watched OBEM on Catch-Up.
I was welling up at poor Victor being pushed out time and time again when he just wanted to support his wife and meet his newborn

Eglu · 02/03/2012 22:10

I wouldn't have wanted my Mum at my births.

I think it is nice you want your Mum involved, and much as it is you giving birth I do think you should take your DHs feelings into account. You do need to discuss it with him.

DumSpiroSpero · 02/03/2012 22:16

I think it's up to you - if you want your mum there and she's happy to be involved then great.

Personally I can't think of anything worse than having my mum with me for labour/delivery (and I know she'd feel exactly the same). She is incredibly anxious with hypochondriac tendencies and there is no way in a million years she would have coped with seeing me in that state, and she would have driven me up the wall.

TBH, as weird as it might sound if DH hadn't been able to be with me, my next choice would have been my dad (well away from the business end of things obviously)!

Tryharder · 02/03/2012 22:56

My mum has been with me for all 3 of my labours. DH hates hospitals and would not be able to stand watching me give birth. My mum is very calm and practical - so good at getting me drinks in the right moments etc.

The only downside is that she has insisted on telling all the midwives about her own birth experiences with my and my DB. I can see their eyes glazing over and I just want to say "shut the fuck up, Mum"

I think 50 years ago, it would have been the norm to have your mum present and DHs would have been told to stay away.

inhibernation · 02/03/2012 23:52

I always thought I wouldn't want my mum at the birth but actually when I went into premature labour with dd at 30 weeks and I was in terrible pain and scared it was so comforting to have my mum with me and hold (squeeze) her hand. I didn't think of having her there at the birth of my fb, and actually she was only with me during labour of dd as I needed GA....but I guess every situation, even every birth, is different.

RabidEchidna · 03/03/2012 09:19

My mum ended up with me when I had DS1 as DH was stuck in traffic, I made her stay at the talking end

MishiMoshi · 03/03/2012 11:14

I had my mother with me for my first (a home birth). She was so fabulous - but very sensitive to it being primarily an event for me and DH. She was careful to always make clear she wouldn't be there if we decided at any stage against it. She was just going to come afterwards in fact, but labour was so stop-start she came to stay the day before and I am so glad she was there.
She looked after both me and DH, cooked for us, and supported him as much as me through the labour. She also held DD as a newborn while DH helped me naturally deliver the placenta.

Then, I went to bed with DD and napped all morning and she and DH blitzed the downstairs of the house together and dismantled the pool. He felt supported and cared for as well as me.

Afterwards she said that watching me go through labour was one of her most cherished memories, as it reminded her so much at every stage what it had been like having me.

eastnorth · 03/03/2012 13:25

My mum was there and kept telling me that she had not brought me up to swear when she said it for the tenth time I told her to eff of. Really no help to me.

perplexedpirate · 03/03/2012 17:25

I had my mum there and it was a massive mistake.

I was more worried about her fainting and not eating and stuff than about myself and she was really disturbed by seeing me in so much pain.
She still has anxiety issues around DS now.

Really really wish I hadn't had her there. :(

theboobmeister · 03/03/2012 20:08

My mum was at my last birth, with DH, and she was fantastic - really calm and supportive. Not just for me but also DH, which I hadn't expected. I think childbirth is really frightening for many partners, especially first time round - having someone more experienced there can be brilliant. Especially since you can potentially be labouring for hours alone without a midwife.

And on a practical level, throughout most of my labour I was incredibly arsey and stubborn and insisted on standing up for several hours with them both supporting me either side. Definitely a two-person job.

exoticfruits · 03/03/2012 20:32

I love my mother to bits, and we are very close but I certainly wouldn't want her at the birth and it wouldn't be fair on DH.

randommoment · 04/03/2012 07:48

I'm the only person I know in RL who had my mum as birth partner, but she was fantastic. I had twins, and they were 6 weeks prem - even taking into account that twins are usually two weeks early, that still makes 4 weeks prem. DP and I were not on good terms at this time (whole other thread...) so mum was choice by default, but she was brilliant, the hospital had a reputation for being Caesarian happy, and I really really didn't want to go that way unless it was absolutely necessary, she gave me the support I needed to demand the consultant's opinion when dd2 ended up lying horizontally and the OB wanted to cut her out. Consultant when he arrived said 'Oh no, no need for Csection,' and manipulated dd2 so she was pointing fore-and-aft, unfortunately she was still feet first, cue OB going 'Breech, need a section' and consultant (by now sounding exasperated) saying no, just because a baby's breech you don't automatically do a section, the baby's fine, the mother's fine, let her push it out naturally, it's what she wants. DD2 arrived safely 2 minutes later. If DP had been there instead I don't think the consultant would have been called.
Midwife who works there much later told me I was lucky that consultant was the one on call that day, all the others would have advised section and they (the MW's) were frankly fed up with it.
Would much rather have done it at home but not really an option with primigravida twins.

toomuchsand · 04/03/2012 09:04

can't think of anything worse than having mum there. well, my sister as well i suppose. endless cups of tea, laughing at my panic, smelling of fags, telling me i was making too much noise and showing off... being rude to midwives, agreeing with everyone and not asking questions/ being nasty to me as "you know nothing, these people do births all the time" "hope theres nothing wrong with the baby, could be you know..."

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