Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

How long after the birth did you have visitors?

145 replies

LittleLH · 14/12/2011 14:14

Just wondering how long everyone waited before having visitors to see the baby.
My family live a few hours drive away and I've already said I don't want anyone other than DP at the hospital. I know it will all depend on how I'm feeling and I might change my mind but I was thinking of having at least 2 days at home before telling family they could come over.
I don't want to upset anyone but I want time for me and DP to bond with our new son/daughter and get used to everything before everyone descends on us!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CheshireDing · 15/12/2011 07:51

OP our PFB is 10 weeks now and we had Parents round the next day (I would have waited until the week after but really it was just to shut them up to say "right you have been now bog off for a bit). I too wanted time with just me, DH and our new baby but I think it's probably pretty much impossible to ask your immediate Relatives to leave it a week. Just get them round, tell them in advance it's 2 hour visit.

Anyone else came the week after and was all told everyone is just coming for 2 hours max though as she is feeding lots and we are still getting used to it (which was only half true but it worked).

We had one person hold her too who I had forgotten smokes and when he left her head smelt of smoke so I made DH take all her clothes off and wash her . I don't care if I am mad but it made me feel better.

mammanetta · 15/12/2011 09:06

MIL visited from Germany when DD 10 weeks old. Thought that would be long enough but no. I had just stopped BF and was expressing and bottle feeding due to horrendous mastitis and DD riddled with oral thrush...MIL from hell had every excuse to literally snatch DD from my arms to feed her, telling me I was holding bottle wrong blah blah blah. Seems so silly now, but she was fucking insensitive to the fact I was mourning not being able to BF any more.
Goes to show - sometimes you can let weeks pass and it still isn't enough!
My own mum waited 'til next day and asked if she could hold DD and help me etc. I really appreciated that she respected my status as a new mum and didn't try to muscle in.
I suppose as others have said, it will depend on what your family is like. Only you know how tactful and sensitive they are/aren't...so perhaps use this to set your time markers!

WaxyBean · 15/12/2011 09:13

My family (mum, dad and 2 of 3 brothers) visited in hospital the day DS was born but only for around 45 mins or so (so manageable). They popped in for a cup of tea the next day when we brought DS home, and then we went round theirs for Sunday Dinner the next day. So it was quite intense over the first weekend but in small doses, and I wanted to show DS off and was ready for company. My other brother came to see DS the day after that - then we were readmitted to hospital for 3 days and they all visited for around 30 mins the day before we were released.

BIL and SIL came and visited a week later for a few hours, and MIL and other SIL came and stayed for 1 week and 3 days respectively when DS was 2 weeks old.

exoticfruits · 15/12/2011 09:34

I do find people strange! If they visit in hospital it is hardly taxing-you don't have to do anything. It makes 'bonding' sound something difficult that has to be done in isolation.

LittleWhiteWolf · 15/12/2011 09:46

I was stuck in hospital for a few days so was quite keen on visitors, but only ones I wanted! I went in Thursday evening and left Monday morning, which DD being born on the Friday at lunchtime. So no visitors the day she was born, but my dad and sister came up for the 1 hour morning visit, then my aunt and cousin came on the afternoon visit (check your hospital for visiting times. Mine was quite strict, which worked out nicely, although they were a little more lax at kicking the partners out after 9 which was actually also very nice! ).

Had no visitors on Sunday as I was feeling quite miserable about being stuck at hospital, but on the Monday when we came home we had my cousin leave work early (she works an hour away) to come and visit and my sister and BIL came over that evening, too, which was lovely. My mum OTOH didn't get to meet DD, her first grandchild, until she was 6 weeks old as she was in hospital herself and wasn't discharged until DD was almost 3 months old, so with this DC I'm keen for her to visit asap.

The inlaws came over in dribs and drabs once we were home, but they've always been good at doing things on our terms.

My advice is see how you feel, let them help as much as they can (in my case I was happy for everyone else to hold DD and get some cuddles while I made tea, but everyone was very keen to help out and make lunches etc) and be polite yet firm when you're tired and ready to let everyone go home.

SchrodingersMew · 15/12/2011 10:21

My IL's and their whole family visited the day DS was born at the hospital, I wasn't even awake half the time but they still all took turns passing DS about... They then came almost every day for weeks and SIL even took moods when she was at ours. I was suffering badly at the time, I had had a horrible birth and was suffering from all my episiotomy stitches being burst and infected, I could barely stand, they even visited a few times when I was in bed ill about a week and a half after he was born and I had to get up.
Then expected me and DS to stay with them every weekend from when he was just over a week old!

They didn't even bring me a sodding bunch of flowers or a wee box of chocolates in the hospital. They took hundreds of pictures of all of them and DS and DH and DS and none with me in any. I don't even have a picture of me and DS until about a week after he was born. One picture was taken and they missed my face out of it.

Next time none of that will be happening. I feel like they didn't respect that I needed to heal at all or that I maybe just couldn't be arsed.

ledkr · 15/12/2011 10:27

What ever you decide have a plan to reinforce it if it goes wrong.We had arranged for pil to come the weekend after dd was born but she came early and they came to visit in the hospital.Dh had made it very plain that we did not want them to stay that weekend as i was coming home 48 hrs after an emergency section.They decided to ignore him and pushed it and manipulated things to try and stay.The mw even told mil that i should go home to a quiet house as id lost a lot of blood.Mil lied and said they were going.When we got back pil got comfy and started to ask about dinner dh again said that they needed to get off as it was late and we wanted to go to bed. She kicked off and demanded food. Dh and i were too tired and stressed to argue so gave them a quick meal hoping they would sod off after.They didnt.They stayed till 10.30.We got to bed at 11.

I am still fuming 10 months later and its affected mine and dh's relationship with them. I think it also contributed to me developing pnd.
The baby was taken back into hospital the next day with jaundice,cleft palate and pneumonia so they effectively ruined our first and only night back with our new born.

If i could do it all again id be far more assertive and just demand that they leave.

Decide what suits you and stick to it. Dont be brow beaten or you will always regret it.

DiscoDaisy · 15/12/2011 10:27

with my 1st we went and visited my parents a week after I had had her.Can't remember when we visited OH 's parents.
With no 2 I was in hospital for 5 days as she was 3 weeks early so my eldest went to stay at the GP's house.
With no 3,4 & 5 we went home to a house with one set of parents in as they had looked after the others at our house.
I was also doing school runs the next day after 2 of the children were born.

ledkr · 15/12/2011 10:29

shrodingers Shall we book into a spa together or therapy?

FlappyBaps · 15/12/2011 10:29

Both sets of GPs were invited to the hospital almost as soon as she had been born - we were too excited to leave it any longer! My folks came but my in-laws didn't - they came over literally about 5 mins after we'd arrived back at home and I found that much harder than seeing people in hospital as I just wanted to be quietly at home with DD while we settled in. Plus at home you are still "hosting" - if we do it again I'd have visitors at hospital then NO-ONE at home until we felt ready!

shuffleballchange · 15/12/2011 10:34

Get it over with as soon as you can, after 40 minutes of them being there, take baby and go for a lie down upstairs, hopefully they will get the message and leave or do soemthing useful like a bit of ironing while they wait for you to come down again. I had family descend on us the day after I got home from hospital my tiny living room was full but at least it was done then, everyone had seen the new family member and was happy.

SchrodingersMew · 15/12/2011 10:45

Ledkr I think therapy and a spa sound good! I've had to start taking bloody anti depressants for post traumatic stress and I truely believe it would have been completely different had I had enough time to get my strength back properly and have room to think!

justwantcheese · 15/12/2011 10:46

the early ones are fine as long as they make them selves useful, it's the ones that plonk themselves on the sofa waiting for a cup of tea that i could swing for!

sleepywombat · 15/12/2011 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchrodingersMew · 15/12/2011 10:58

Sleepy :( about your Mum asking you to leave your newborn to cry. :(

Meglet · 15/12/2011 11:24

Far too soon after my EMCS with DS. Loads of people rocked up at the hospital. XP's parents drove halfway across the country as soon as I was out of theatre. To add insult to injury XP's mum told XP she thought I was a shit mum as I wasn't picking DS up quick enough (bearing in mind I was off my head of morphine and recovering from a long labour and EMCS). XP then told me this the next day . Fuckers. Still makes me fume 5 years on.

Second time round I had a planned CS and said no visitors, which meant XP's family. Mine all popped by quickly to say hello but largely left us in peace .

pixiestix · 15/12/2011 11:32

I had DD at 10am and our first visitors were at about 5pm. I let people come whenever they wanted to and it worked very well - everyone was thoughtful and no one over-stayed their welcome. I was very lucky though in that I actually liked all the people who came to visit me! I appreciate that this isn't always the case!

happydotcom · 15/12/2011 11:55

I had a terrible time having my DS. The ILs came the following day and it was like calling the unwanted advice line..!
I lay on the sofa in tears, trying to bf while MiL was hoovering the patio (WTF???) She then shouted at me as there was a bit of mould in the bathroom ( on the tiles) and it was " too dangerous for a baby" to live here!

I found it so stressful and wish it was just DH and I so we could bond with our beautiful DS .

Beccabell · 15/12/2011 12:04

I would tell them that you'll let them know when you're ready. You don't know how you will feel - you might be tired and sore, or you might feel great.
I had a c section and managed to put mother in law off for a couple of days, but she still insisted on coming to the hospital when I felt lousy. I wasn't best pleased.

olittletownof · 15/12/2011 12:27

We had a babymoon. I remembered reading some real horror stories on MN about doing too much for visitors in the first days and even not getting a chance to hold the baby at the hospital. We told grandparents that they could visit in hospital for a bit but once we got home we wanted 4-5 days just the three of us to adjust. It worked really well.

I'm sure your family will understand OP, I wouldn't say selfish just practical.

ledkr · 15/12/2011 12:33

This thread is like therapy amazing that in this day and age women are still having their wishes trampled on.I can speak as a recent post natal woman and also a mil with a 2 yr old dgs.I was very happy to be told what suited my ds and his gf with regards to visiting. Id rather that than push myself on them. I saw him for a few minutes after he was born (by invite) and then left them to say when it next suited them.I also gave advice if i was asked and in a very subtle way too.
My worst memory is getting up to go to the loo and a huge gush of blood by passed the pad and slated on the floor in front of fil what a trauma. They live away and so id only really met them a handfull of times.I cried to my Mum on the phone-I was 43

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 15/12/2011 12:43

happy I do sympathise. I don't think any time was a good time for MIL to visit really - I remember her saying similar things (I had a 'strange set of priorities' as there were some piles of invitations and thankyou cards which looked a bit of a mess to her!)

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 15/12/2011 12:48

(PS that was 2 weeks after dd was born!)

mammanetta · 15/12/2011 12:50

oh ledkr wish I'd been in neighbouring bed and could have passed you a tissue..:(

MrsTittleMouse · 15/12/2011 12:53

I agree that if you're up to it, the hospital is the best place to have visitors. They can't expect you to leap around making cups of tea, and the MWs will chuck them out after visiting time.

The worst possible time is three to four days after, when everyone expects you to be back to normal, and the hormones are making you break down into tears every five minutes.

My family is lovely, but even so, I really struggled to have to be polite and nice and make conversation. It would have been good if FIL hadn't commented on the fact that I had to sit on a pillow too.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6