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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

How long after the birth did you have visitors?

145 replies

LittleLH · 14/12/2011 14:14

Just wondering how long everyone waited before having visitors to see the baby.
My family live a few hours drive away and I've already said I don't want anyone other than DP at the hospital. I know it will all depend on how I'm feeling and I might change my mind but I was thinking of having at least 2 days at home before telling family they could come over.
I don't want to upset anyone but I want time for me and DP to bond with our new son/daughter and get used to everything before everyone descends on us!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mouldyironingboard · 14/12/2011 18:51

I think it depends whether they are the type of visitors who expect you to make tea for them or the kind who bring a takeaway lunch for all of you and then offer to do the housework while you and your DP rest.

Also, make it clear that guests with colds or coughs are not welcome until fully recovered (yes, some people actually need to be told this!)

Wrigglebum · 14/12/2011 19:23

We said no overnight guests for a month but people were welcome to come round. When DS needed feeding I took him upstairs so we could have some peace and a break for him.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 14/12/2011 19:55

With DC1 my parents and sister sat outside the ward and came in before I was moved to the ward for the night. Everyone else sort of came in dribs and drabs. BIL and SIL came around for a takeaway the next night with I really, really enjoyed as I'd been too ill to eat properly for 9 months.

With DC2 we let siblings and parents come as soon as they wanted but we had a "baby welcoming party* for everyone else. Was a huge success. Invited everyone over between 2 and 5 pm on the Sunday after she was born we had her for drinks and nibbles. Got all the stuff in before she was born. Got DM and BF to make tea and help out and everyone came and had a lovely time and the big bonus was that we didn't get constant phone calls asking when they could come around. My MW with DC1 suggested that if I ever had any more I should do this. She did it with hers and she couldn't believe how many phone calls and visitors we were getting with DC1.

MeconiumHappens · 14/12/2011 19:58

Out of interest, how do you word a subtle "please bugger off now"? My main concerns is people who visit but think its okay to stay for hours.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 14/12/2011 20:05

Well, we said "really sorry but we've all been up all night and we're shattered, do you mind if we get an early night and we'll give you a ring in a couple of weeks?"

PickleMyster · 14/12/2011 20:50

I agree with a lot of other people in get visitors to visit for short periods of time whilst you are still on that high - my favourite memory is DS's 5yr old cousin coming to visit whist still in hospital and stroking DS hair and face.

If you are having visitors to stay with you I think a lot will depend on your relationship with them - if they are people who respect your wishes and how you want to do things and will support you no matter what, then let them visit as soon as possible. BUT if they are the type to be dismissive of you (for example telling you to "give over" when you ask for privacy whilst you get to grips with breastfeeding, they constantly tell you to give the baby formula, and when you eventually cave in they come back from the shops with a brand formula THEY think the baby should have, rather than what you have asked for. Needless to say this particular family member will be kept at arms length next time).

My only real bit of advice is remember that the baby is YOUR baby, and the house is YOUR home and visitors MUST respect that. I am sorry if this comes across as really negative but I did find it to be quite an awful experience

spiderlight · 14/12/2011 20:56

Best friend was here when he was born (home birth) and stayed until the next afternoon to make sure I was happy with breastfeeding/nappies/bathing, which was worth the world. My dad came the day after, but after that, we left it a good few days just to give us a chance to process it all. OH's parents live a long way away, so they came up for a long weekend when he was about ten days old.

See how you feel though - you will need quiet time to get breastfeeding established, you will be exhausted, but you might also be desperate to show your baby off.

dogindisguise · 14/12/2011 20:57

My mum ended up at the birth though until I got to the labour ward I'd planned to just have DH there. DS was born on a Saturday. SIL and her family (two children then aged 8 and 6) stayed in a hotel in our town and visited on the Sunday.
My dad was on holiday and saw his grandson when he was about two weeks old (DS was 2.5 weeks early).
I think a close friend came at about 3 weeks after the birth.

cowboylover · 14/12/2011 20:58

When our daughter was born she was in SCBU for a week and I had only my DH to visit and after 4 days my mum and MIL came as they where both worried about us but I didnt feel up to visitors and she didnt feel like mine to show off to anyone.

When we got home we had 2 weeks again with parents only every few days helping to cook ect. My family that live a few hours drive away waited about another month or so so they could come and spend the afternoon rather than short visits which the more locals had done.

timetosmile · 14/12/2011 21:06

similar to dreaming
In-laws were minding DC 1+2, by the time I got home with DC3 the birthday bunting was out everywhere, balloons, big roast dinner. My parents were over by teatime.......it was lovely - DC3 was clutched to the collective clan bosom right from the start.

Aftereightsaremine · 14/12/2011 21:14

First time I had GA so everyone (including inlaws) saw dd1 before I did & then came into see me very briefly during recovery. For dd2 everyone (including inlaws) was outside theatre & I threw a hissy fit that they weren't waiting for me in recovery after EMCS, I couldnt wait to show her off. I told family members that I expected them to visit everyday for first few weeks & they did! But I get on very well with both sets of family.

skybluepearl · 14/12/2011 21:17

We saw the parents for ONE hour the day after each birth. With my eldest we hid for 2 weeks and put the answer phone on. We did take some photos though and sent them as an announcement during that period. With my second and third people popped around a few days after the birth but would only stay for an hour and would make thier own drinks/wash up/hang out the washing/make tea/bring food shopping.

InMyPrime · 14/12/2011 21:27

From bitter experience, if people have to travel a long way and may need to stay a long time, then tell them to leave their visit until as late as possible and be firm about it.

I knew having my mother around too soon after the birth would be a nightmare as she is very stubborn, very old-fashioned and insensitive. All through the pregnancy, she was making insensitive comments to me about the upcoming birth ('why do you need so many scans? We never had anything like that' and 'don't bother buying too much for the baby in case anything goes wrong' and when I told her I was having a boy 'oh you shouldn't have told me that, I wanted a surprise' like a petulant 5-year old who got the wrong toy for Christmas )

I tried to tell her to wait as long as possible, at least a month, before visiting as they live in another country and would have to stay with me when they were here and for more than just a couple of days. She wouldn't listen and was just jealous that my in-laws (who live a 3 hour drive away) would see the baby first. So she and my father booked themselves to visit for a whole week, only 1 week after the birth. I'd had a really difficult delivery and was struggling with breastfeeding and the visit was a disaster. Both of them were just impossible: had forgotten what a really new born baby was like and so made all kinds of unhelpful comments, interfered in how I was dealing with the baby and totally disrupted my attempts to master bf-ing by sitting in my living room and refusing to budge all day. It ended by them screaming at me that I was selfish and storming out the door on their third day and going home early. They were offended that I hadn't had them over earlier and that I'd asked them to stay in a hotel rather than with me. I'm still barely speaking to them as a result. It was just a nightmare - if I had to do it again I would be more assertive but also communicate more clearly that it wasn't anything personal but that I would just need time to bond with the baby etc.

People really never seem to understand that the arrival of a baby is not about them and their selfish ideas but about the baby and the best thing for the baby is to be cared for and have attention lavished on him by his parents, which they can't do if they're being harassed by difficult visitors.

StealthPolarBear · 14/12/2011 21:32

about 2 hours - had DS at 5.30, feed, cuddles, photos and then I went in the shower. When I got out it was about 7, and my mum and dad were there. But in fairness we had thought Dad was going abroad for a week early the next morning, and they did only stay for 15 minutes. It was quite nice :)

skybluepearl · 14/12/2011 21:57

remeber don't lift a finger - aim to bond with babe and everyone can work round you

sleepychunky · 14/12/2011 22:03

DS1 was born at 3.15am and I went to the antenatal ward at about 7 - my mum was the first visitor at 8, then my sister at about 9. I was discharged at 4pm and had all the family on both sides (so my sister, brother and SIL, FIL, MIL and closest cousin and his fiancee) round at about 6. Absolutely loved it, especially when my parents bought us a takeaway just before everybody left. The weird bit was when they had all gone and we looked at this little thing sleeping in his cot thinking "OK, now everyone's gone what do we do now???"
DS2 was born just after midnight and the first visitor was FIL at 7.30 am, then various others at hospital throughout the day. I had to stay in overnight and most of the next day as had problems establishing BF so people dropped in to the hospital during visiting hours. Again I loved it and was just pleased that so many people actually wanted to come - I was desperate to get home by the time I discharged myself at 9pm the second day as I was missing DS1...

tutu100 · 14/12/2011 22:04

My brother managed to turn up about 1/2 hour after the births of both my ds's! With ds1 he was on his way to work and thought he'd pop into the hospital to see us, with ds2 he was on his way home from work and the very nice receptionist let him come in to see us even though it wasn't visiting hours.

I was pleased to see my brother though and I don't mind him seeing me looking like shit and trying to latch a baby onto my nipple (he looks the other way).

I was really glad the hospital had strict visiting hours and limited the number of people who could visit at a time because it meant most people either came for a short time, or waited till we got home.

Luckily all my family live locally so people could just pop in for a quick visit and then go, or people rand to check it was ok to come round so we didn't feel overwhelmed by visitors.

Sophiesworld · 14/12/2011 22:10

Totally agree with petitdonkey - the sooner the better in a way. The first 2-3 days I was on a complete high, DD was really sleepy so people could cuddle her for hours without her objecting and the house was still reasonably tidy! After that I was an emotional wreck very tearful for a few days (don't worry though, it passed) and then tiredness started to kick in and the house was a complete tip in a less visitor-friendly state. (I remember discharging myself from the midwife-led birth centre after 1 1/2 nights in my initial enthusiasm and then about a week later wishing I could go back to the wonderful place where tea and toast appeared at the push of a buzzer :))

On the other hand, I do wish I had taken advantage of DDs sleepy state to catch up on my own sleep in those first few days, so it may have been nice to postpone visitors in order to do that.

I guess a balance between the two would be best, so allow people to visit straigt away, but keep it brief and try to allow yourself time to rest too.

trulyscrumptious43 · 14/12/2011 22:11

5 minutes. They started beating a path to my door as soon as I told them I was in labour. The poster who said to have visitors early was right, it's later that all the little difficulties may start.
Best advice ever given to me by a health visitor - don't change out of your dressing gown for a fortnight. The minute you do, every one will think you can do all the housework/driving/shopping etc.

DownyEmerald · 14/12/2011 22:45

Downy's top tip of how to manage it all better than I did:
Avoid the day your milk comes in (day 4 IIRC)

kickingking · 14/12/2011 22:52

Same day, in hospital. I regret my in laws coming as I had had an elcs and was still in bed on a catheter I had told DH not to let them come, but he 'forgot' what I had said.

Apart from that, it was about a week before we had more visitors. I found it quite hard as I was struggling desperately with breastfeeding and also had a bad chest infection (unrelated to the birth, but really shitty timing)

Will be having another elcs next year - will put my foot down firmly about visitors.

oldenglishspangles · 14/12/2011 23:22

Absolutely no visitors for a week with each of dcs and I don't regret it one bit. It was lovely, no one taking over and no ones feelings to watch. For DD1 it was about getting to know each other, sorting out changing, latching on for breastfeeding etc. With the following baby, it was about allowing existing dcs to start to get used to their new brother or sister and our new family arrangement. Its much harder to have time to do that with hoardes of guests coming and going.

scarlettsmummy2 · 14/12/2011 23:33

my mum was at birth, aunt and uncle arrived a couple of hours later, then loads of other family and friends about six hours later! i didn't mind female visitors, but felt a bit uncomfortable with uncles/ FIL/ husbands friends etc, because of the bleeding/ breastfeeding etc.

FlightRisk · 14/12/2011 23:41

It was 3 hours for me until the world and his wife decended on us!!

Not as soon as that but I did enjoy seeing my dear friends soon especially when I was still a bit tearful so I could just cry to them

Shenanagins · 14/12/2011 23:49

I had a long and difficult birth, however, had both sets of grandparents visit the next day while in hospital as I didn't want there to be any perceived favouritism on either side. Although I was knackered, I was also on a complete high and desperate to show off my baby.

A couple of weeks after the birth a close friend came over and to be honest it was tough, not because she did anything wrong, but because I was so tired and having a tough time feeding and dealing with a baby with reflux.

I found the hospital visits the easiest as visiting hours are short and the numbers are restricted but I guess it all depends on your family and what they will be like.

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