Things you did in childbirth...

[GeneralDisarray]

That you're a little about now...
like shout 'GET YOUR EFFING FINGERS OUT OF ME NOW' at the lovely doc examing me..

Come on ease my embarrasment by telling me your worst...

SOH thats had me crying with laughter

"If THIS isn't labour, I'm in BIG FUCKING TROUBLE.....I want to see a doctor. RIGHT NOW!"

This, screeched at the two midwives who kept telling me to get off the bed, nip down to the day room, take a shower.... They said I wasn't yet in labour as my waters hadn't broken. There was apparently NO NEED to call my husband yet as there was hours to go.....(I'd been induced and in their opinion, the process could take up to 12 hours to get going fully). Less than one hour later, all hell broke loose when my son arrived. There was no time for any pain relief....

"You are not taking this off me...now, fuck off and leave me alone!". This delightful mouthful to my poor husband said with the gas and air mouthpiece clenched between my teeth, as he, under the midwife's instruction, tried to take it off me as she said I was "getting high". All my preplanned pain relief had been abandoned as it was "too late" when they found that I was about to deliver.....

Later, on the ward, the hospital admin lady came to apologise. For the effing shambles it was, and for the faulty gas and air.....apparently, it wasn't working from the wall. So, I wasn't so much HIGH as a kite....I was in bleedin' agony.

Good old NHS.

ShowOfHands I actually couldnt breathe for laughter at your post, it wasn't even normal laughter either, it was the kind sticks in your throat and sounds like you're wheezing! Tears rolling down my face and everything.

Just brilliant. Fantastic thread, sadly with all 3 of my labours I did nothing more embarrassing than scream and show the mw my arse erm, several times. Because I was too hot .

I was calling my pfb by a name that was not allocated to her at all! Despite her name being completely decided upon 3 months earlier.

That G&A has a lot to answer for....

I repeated three things during labour:
"No, I don't need any pain relief, I just need a nap." - to DH, who wanted to get the MW to get me some analgesia (WTF was I thinking?)
"I'm really sorry, I'm going to shit myself" (I didn't, but I was convinced I was going to)
"Oh fuck" (repeatedly. And the first thing I said to DD when she was born)

I was very good really

This is soooo fabulous! I have to stop reading now as I MUST go to Morrisons and the mascara I applied at 8am this morning is in rivulets all over my face....

Thank you so much, ladies ......bunch of for the lot of you!

I'm shite as icons...

When they told me I'd have to have DD on the ward, I got very bossy and ordered them to 'get me to f'ing labour ward, I want some f'ing gas and air' When I got to labour ward, I told them 'Inever wanted f'ing natural childbirth, I want a f'ing epidural' - the midwife told me I could have one in another 2 contractions, by which time she was here. Then I cried and apologised for hours!
I was very rude with DS1 too - although to be fair he was stuck for hours. Ds2 , I only swore once at DH - he said I was doing very well and I told him to f off

Stood up and said (to assembled private gyny, physio, midwife & DH) "I've had enough of this, I'm off - you lot can get on with it yourselves..." :-(

I was screaming nearly all the way through and shouting "I'm sorry for being such a wimp"

Puked all over DH after 1 go on the gas and air.

Nearer the end I was shouting "It's coming out of my arse! I'm telling you it's coming out of my arse! Please help me it's coming out of the wrong hole, please don't let it come out of my bum" I was convinced I was about to be the first person ever to give birth anally.

Then the midwife decided to tell me that DS was back to back, had been from the start and now the rotational forceps were required. Which explained a lot.

after my epidural i finally feel asleep after about 36 hrs awake, but the midwife had to then wake me to check blood pressure, i shouted to dh "we need some milk its off in the fridge". DH told me i was in hospital having dd and that the milk at home was fine, I that started snoring.

I remember being on g&a with ds1 and the midwife looked exactly like a good friend of mine and her name was my bf's name. I kept telling her over and over again. Are you sure I don't know you????

They said I needed a c-section and we asked for a bit more time to see if labour progressed but I didn't realise I'd been in labour for 12 hours by this stage with no progression. Finally had the c-section and said to the mw Do I know you?

Love this thread! DS1 was a swift labour and I was 9cm by the time I got to the hospital. Have vague memory of shouting 'get me some drugs.....I don't care if they're legal' to DH. That was just before I threatened to jump out of the window .....

I'm quite nice really.

With DS1 when I was pushing he kept slipping back after a contraction. I was shouting "stop pushing him back in" at the midwives.

DS2 was back to back and transferred from home by ambulance. When we got to hospital I wouldn't let go of the portable gas and air from the ambulance. The paramedic had to set up the one in the delivery room and give it to me before prizing the ambulance one out of my hands.

With DS3 I started a discussion about surrogacy. Telling DH and the MW that I was never going to be a surrogate. DH calmly telling me not to worry because nobody had ever asked me to do it!

Oh I growled like a dog at one point too

I told dh to write down for later reference that I felt like I was in a taxi on my way to Dun Laoghaire.

Ds1 - nothing too bad but I did Kung foo kick my dh's glasses off whilst trying to push

Ds2- said 'it fucking STINGS!' as he crowned, followed by 'thank fuck for that!' when he had been born

I was so high on gas and air with DS that I doubt very much I was using real words to be honest.

Here's how it went with DD. I should add that this is DH's favourite dinner party story.

Me: (whispering) I think she's coming
DH: But we're still on the ward. They said it was going to be ages before anything happened. (I was induced)
Me: (at foghorn level volume) I don't fucking care if I'm on the fucking ward, this baby is coming the fuck out right now. Do you want me to put a cork up my fango?!

DD born. Ably caught by DH. Medical staff suddenly appear! Then....

Me: (through snot, tears, and wailing) It's awful! I'm so embarrassed! I got blood all over the floor. Will someone get me a mop?

I felt most sorry for the c.6yo boy visiting someone else on the ward who was clearly immobilised with shock whilst this went on.

Love this thread - making me laugh lots when I'm supposed to be working!

DD1 - was in the hospital bath and mw told me that I needed to have an epidural (apparently pushing at 3cm is not wise) - my response was to jump clamber out of bath and proceed buck naked down the corridor with poor embarrased DH chasing me with a towel. When I rather grumpily asked him why he was chasing me, he said because you're naked and draped the towel over me. I grumpily replied oh and continued to charge down the corridor, only to find that I didn't know where I was supposed to be going.

Later hv came to check my oh so many stitches and advised me to try to get some sun on them! A treat for my neighbours to be sure!

DD2 - ecs - DH had done his shaving duty as instructed at pre-op, was visibly chuffed when surgeon complimented him on it!

Hee hee - love it that others came out with the same crap as me during labour! I too asked the registrar to "make me pretty" down there during stitches!! The MW had to wrestle the gas and air from me when it was time to stop doing my one woman stand up routine and start parenting my new child!

Apart from doing the biggest foulest smelling fart (DH was mortified and ran around opening windows and spraying deodorant) when I was mid DS3's epic labour I was convinced I sounded like a character off our favourite sci fi programme and asked everyone who came near "Do I sound like a Goa'uld" god knows what they thought I was on about.

LOVE this thread . Can't remember who posted this one but actually laughed till I cried at 'you could at least buy me a bag of chips first '

With ds1 I siad to the anaesthetis who came to give me an epidural 'I think I recognise you in a professional capacity' (I am a doc and had to work with him afterwards double )

The mw was trying to persuade me that I could mobilise (before epidural) as per my birth plan and I took off the gas and air and said 'I know my birth plan says to encourage me to mobilise but I can't think of anything I want to do less'

Ds2 was an elective section (after an emcs with ds1). Dh was watching and asked 'what is all that yellow stuff?' The consultant said 'thats fat'. Dh says 'theres loads of it!'. I wasn't actually offended and found it pretty funny! The consultant stopped what he was doing, said to dh 'You can't say that!' and then to me 'There isn't'

Ah, At my homebirth with dc2 I remember whining "I think I'd just like a bit of a break now. Can we stop for a minute?" At that point ds's head was out and had been out for about four minutes, my contractions had disappeared and the midwives had phoned for the paramedics in between trying to haul ds out by his armpits. Midwife calmly said 'no Shag, we've got to finish this now. You can rest afterwards', gave an almighty pull and very fat (11lbs), pale and unresponsive ds came out onto the bed like a cork out of a bottle. Apparently I said 'ouch' at that point in a rather quiet voice.

Midwife flew backwards off the bed and landed on her arse on the floor. Then stood up, gathered her wits about her and resuscitated ds. It was a mad farce the whole thing. Had a friend with me who was considering applying to do midwifery. She changed her mind after that and did a degree in history instead.

Am loving this thread! Can't remember much but I do remember that once in active labour I would manically rub my feet together like a bloody cricket during each contraction whilst breathing and doing what DH kindly called my 'war face'. The MWs were concerned that I was going to give myself bed sores on my feet I did it so much.

This is a great thread. G&A clearly has a lot to answer for

When I was induced with DS they gave me G&A whilst trying to break my waters, so I'd already had quite a bit before my contractions properly got going with the drip, the radio was on with some great tunes so thinking the MW was out of the room I proceeded to tell DH about the great flash backs I was having to my clubbing days, the midwife had not left the room she was just behind me

Whilst, the nice dr was stitching me up I inquired as to whether he was 'some kind of fucking sadist' He was getting married later in the week so I also told him to be slightly gentler with his new wife on honeymoon, and then when he poured water over my bits to wash them off, advised that was the nicest thing he'd done to me all night and perhaps his new wife would like it

Nothing interesting at all to report with DS, it was fast (not super fast though, he was born 2 hours after getting to hospital, was 6cm when we got there). I had g&a but didnt shout or scream or anything, and I'm convinced that I would rather birth than pregnancy any day
Wonder if I'll have an interesting story with DC2....