Things you did in childbirth...

[GeneralDisarray]

That you're a little about now...
like shout 'GET YOUR EFFING FINGERS OUT OF ME NOW' at the lovely doc examing me..

Come on ease my embarrasment by telling me your worst...

During the second stage

Me: "I think my uterus has prolapse."
Midwife: "Let me examine you."
midwife takes a look.
Midwife: "I can see the baby's head"
Me: "Don't be daft I'm not in THAT much pain!"
Midwife some how manages to keep a straight face.

3rd labour had the most amusing parts...

I was reading bedtime stories to dc 1 and 2 mid contractions and kept pacing round room and reading at same time!

I had a complicated are-you-around-if-I-need-you-tonight plan all made with various friends to cover the evening's child-care while trying not to let them know I was in labour. Some were on the way to a shopping trip and I didn't want them to cancel when the contractions might come to nothing (i have a history of stop-starting in labour)

I was texting my husband during a ridiculous meeting about a community garden and he was just texting back and just not realising he needed to get himself home!

I had an amusing phone call to my Mum while texting dh and trying to stop her booking flights immediately to get herself over (you know it might be nothing, it might go away...!)

I shouted I'M IN LABOUR crossly to my lovely friend who appeared (before dh!!) to watch kiddos when she asked How I was?!

Trying to get my TENs machine onto myself (as dh wasn't home yet) was amusing (though not at the time!).

We were due a Tesco delivery any minute and typically he arrived in my drive as soon as I eventually get myself in the car (he had to reverse out to let us leave). Thankfully lovely friend put away all shopping.

Hospital had changed policy on letting you into labour ward since my last baby so I had to go upstairs to triage first. They let me in, I burst into floods of tears and they tried to get me into a wheelchair to get me straight back downstairs.

And yes, OP, I shouted DON'T TOUCH ME to the lovely midwife too.

Ah all fun. I think i'd like to do it again...

With DS, I had eighteen hours of unsupervised labour on the observation ward (couldn't even have DH because it wasn't visiting hours), because L&D was stacked out. None of the MWs wanted to admit I was in actual, active labour because they knew they had nowhere to put me, so they kept telling me, "Oh, you'll be in established labour soon, love", while I paced the corridors cursing like a navvy and screaming, "Fuck this VBAC bollocks, I should have had a fucking Caesarian!" I just realised this entire paragraph is me trying to justify why I wanted an epidural when I finally got to L&D.

Anyway, I got up there, and my DH was finally allowed to come in and be with me, and I begged and pleaded for an epidural. When the anaesthetist finally put it in, it was honestly one of the most blissful moments of my life. I wanted to somehow convey my profound gratitude to the lovely man who had made all the pain go away with his huge big horrible bastard needle jammed straight into my spinal cord just one touch of his magic fingers. So naturally, the words that actually came out of my mouth were, "Oh, that's lovely...would you like to marry me? I mean, I know I'm already married, but would you marry me anyway? You can be my spare husband. It'll be fun."

He was gorgeous, he had coffee-coloured skin and huge brown eyes with long, looong eyelashes. After eighteen hours of terror and pain, I think it's safe to say that I was not gorgeous. Also, I was about ten years older than him. And was about to give birth to my second child. And my husband was standing right next to me holding my hand.

He just smiled very kindly, and patted my hand.

After being told i was only 2cm dilated after what seemed like days in labour, i threw up all over the heart monitor and my (now ex) dh's feet -which was quite funny cos he'd taken his shoes off to relax.

Afterwards, the mw's were poking around my fanjo and talking for half an hour whilst i was on g&a. I asked if they'd nearly finished and they replied that they'd not even started yet cos it was like a patchwork quilt and they didn't know which bit went where (ds had come out hand first like Superman and flown into the mw's stomach...a sign of things to come i think).
Later, my hv used to ask if she could 'check my embroidery' which always made it sound more pleasant than it felt!

PMSL at Cantpooinpeace's, 'Told them to stitch me up properly so that I didn't look like a ripped bus seat!!!'.

I'm a screamer, I'm afraid. I'm not ashamed of it. I had a back to back labour and it fucking hurt. Gas and air made me vomit all over DH. If we have another DC my DH refuses to be present. He's seriously traumatised by the experience. I've no sympathy, I had to push DD out!

As the female anaesthetist put in the epidural after a long stop/start labour I told her that I was loved her so much, maybe I'm a lesbian and just didn't know it yet! I'm not btw!

outrageous that's exactly how I felt about my anesthetist , he was a god to me and very good-looking.

chocolateyclur You might actually be my hero! My recollections are so shameful and so many, I can't really bear to recount them. Put it this way, I don't 'do' transition very well... I vaguely remember shouting "get the fuck out, now!" to the bump, much to everyone's amusement.

As we were in the kitchen at home, 20 mins after first contraction, yelling hysterically at my dh "There's POO! There's POO!!". And yes, there was indeed poo. And 5 mins later there was also my dd, delivered my poo wiping DH. To his credit, he has never brought it up!

I had a blue light transfer to hospital with dd after 2 days of labour and 4hrs of pushing with no baby. I was exhausted and having 2.5 minute long contractions with no gaps between them. A 12yo midwife bounced into the delivery suite and chirruped 'how's mommy today' and I swore at her. She proceeded to hide behind the curtain with the consultant and explain to him that I seemed 'a bit fractious'. I quite crossly barked "that's a curtain, not a brick wall and don't talk about me, talk to me, I'm a human being, I might be in labour but I deserve to be treated with dignity" etc etc.

At least that's what I thought I said. DH confirms that my head did a 360 degree spin and I launched into a foul-mouthed tirade which began with "FUUCCCKKK YOOOUUUUU MIDWIFE". I never, ever, ever swear. I'm v pleasant, promise.

I kept saying to my husband 'I wish you were on drugs too'

Also as I was being induced, while on a second shot of morphine, I decided I still needed an epidural and when they were just about to stick the needle in we heard a blood curdeling scream from the next room... my midwife commented 'and she's had an epidural too' was shoot a look by the student midwife and I replied laughing and said ' she must have a very low pain threashold' little did I know then through my morphine tinted glasses.

Me: excuse me, Sue? Do you mind going over there?

Sue: why?

Me: Um, I really have to fart.

Sue is the midwife!

My DH and Mum (a health visitor) were with me for both of mone and apparently I was silent, off with the fairies sans any drugs. I have no memory of about an hour in each labour! In the final pushes I let out 'a tiny whimper' that my Mum said she found very movin...! Mind you I had no pain and was totally unaware of first stage for both so my brain was definitely doing it its own way - I just cooperated; letting it get on with the job knowing that I had two very competent people 'batting for me'.

With DS, the midwife was getting a bit concerned because I was clenching instead of pushing whenever I got a contraction. When she asked why I wasn't pushing I shouted, 'because it's coming out the wrong fucking hole'. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me and the baby had slipped into my back passage.
With DD, it was a very quick, unattended, unplanned homebirth. DH was on the phone to the ambulance and they asked if we could see the head, my mum (dear love her) said 'I can't tell, it all looks a bit distended' (thanks a lot). I shouted back something like, 'You may not be able to see it but I can fucking feel it'. (DS was downstairs in the lounge watching Fireman Sam with the volume very loud). As she crowned, I shouted at my mum 'oh my god, what are you doing here? You're not a fucking midwife!' I have never sworn in front of my mum before and I'm mortified at what I said to her that day, especially as I know I pooed on her hand as well (she tried to hide it but gave the game away when she flushed the toilet).

I used to work in a hospital and we had one woman in labour screaming 'they're not helping me'. The labour ward had to station a health care assistant on the door to explain that the lady was being helped, it was just her way of dealing with being in labour.

After labouring at home and being transferred via ambulance fully dilated ( and boucned over the cobbles at the entracne to the Maternity Ward) the two hospital midwives thought that catherising me might make more space for the baby.

I screamed at the more junior midwife
"Get your hand off my clitoris!"

It was so painfull it was worse than labour pains.

DS1: me in pool saying I need to wee, MW bustling about then saying, ok you can get out, me looking confused and saying it's ok I weed in the pool, MW looking a bitdisgusted, which surprised me tbh, given her job.

DS2: definitely pooing in the corridor. In front of a random bloke. As they tried to get me into a room. Poor man.

I lost a good 5 hours on gas and air in the early stages, so I thankfully have few memories of that beyond being told by DH that I gave the anaesthetist who came for the epidural a major grilling before letting him anywhere near my spine, before warning him that he'd 'better be fucking good because my Mum's coming and she's a PALS Officer'.

Oh, and when DS crowned, my response to my incredibly lovely MW asking if I wanted to touch the baby's head was 'what the fuck gave you that idea? Just get the fucking thing out!'

Bloody brilliant thread!!

When they put the dressing on my CS wound they commented that itd be like having a wax when it was taken off and I announced to everyone in theatre that "its fine it needs doing anyway , it looks like a forrest down there"

This is a brilliant thread

DS - dp left me in the car sitting on a towel to pop into tesco for a paper & a sandwich as "I might not be able to get anything" don't worry about the fact that my waters have gone at 36+4 with pfb then - to be fair, DS didn't turn up for another 2 days & then he had to be forcibly removed by emcs...

DD - planned section at 37+4 due to polyhydramnios. Surgeon breaks my waters, 30 seconds later people are bellowing for "more suction" and splashing at the other end of the op table they measured it ... 2.5 litres Although I did ask him if he'd bothered reading the fecking notes about WHY I was having said section as he seemed surprised about the flood

When the gas and air kicked in, it was 3:30am, and I exclaimed, "Haha, it's 3:30, it's time for saved by the bell!" swiftly followed, indignantly, by "I know what I'm saying, it's not the gas and air!"

During the long, difficult labour, the consultant kept popping in, and congratulated me on being so polite, but expressed surprise as most women swear. My response? "I did tell that anaesthetist to get me a fucking epidural."

With my second, the dorky male midwife decided to shine a torch up me and my response was 'Take that ffing torch away - I'm not a ffing pothole'!

I was on the pre-labour ward for hours, and only realised there was G&A beside me when the midwife checked 1st time to see how dilated I was. I loved it, and kept using it after she was done. I was told not to use it when she'd done no idea why but it was too good not to. I think I was told about 3 times by different staff to stop using the G&A - in my drug induced haze, I was being really sneaky and clever, puffing away when no-one could see me. In reality, I was flailing about like a beached whale, and was caught each time using it. One midwife evil witch then dismantled the mouth piece to stop me using the G&A. I then proceeded to howl loudly, much to my (now ex) OH's embarrassment, as I was frightening all the other women on the ward. It wasn't long until they let me use it again

Nothing too embarrassing but when my waters broke it felt like gallons of it were coming out, my response to the huge gush was a rather panicked 'did it get you?!' to the MW at the end of the bed.. Her, DP and my mother all found my concern quite amusing.