Things you did in childbirth...

[GeneralDisarray]

That you're a little about now...
like shout 'GET YOUR EFFING FINGERS OUT OF ME NOW' at the lovely doc examing me..

Come on ease my embarrasment by telling me your worst...

Whilst the consultant was stitching me up, DH told him to put another stitch in......

Think he took a while to get up from the punch thrown shortly after

love love love the mildy threatening ''im going to have to cut you, do you want me to cut you?'' from the midwife! was it phil mitchell by any chance

When the midwife told me she had a 19 year old son I said 'fuck me, there's no way you are that old' took a slug of gas and air and then said 'you know that's the power of a good fringe'.

I had elc with both DCs.

When DS was born I ordered the theatre nurse to 'give me some dignity' when he told me I'd just done a wee. Then realised he was talking about DS.

I was numb & catheterised & had no idea wtf was going on down there & was affronted to have anyone tell me. I was then mortified to realise he was only telling me what my gorgeous new boy was doing!

Dueling

Demanding a mirror so I could see for myself the beautiful miracle of childbirth and being told by midwife and student midwife "no, you really don't wanna look down there."

I was then really paranoid that I'd pooed or weeed (how the hell do spell wee'ed?) and kept asking if I had because "I can't smell anything!".

I was put on a antenatal ward of other women/partners because I was only 3cm when I got there and not allowed my own room....and left there...for so long and I found it bloody embarassing having so many contractions (pretty much back to back) with so many other people around. After much pleading for some private space I remember at one point stripping naked and sort of jumping/ skipping around the ward and have a vivid memory of the shocked expressions of other people's partners. Only then did they realise I was probably in transition and it might be an idea to get me out of the way. Almost had the baby in the corridor.

After a 4 day labour with ds2 I was a bit tired.

After delivery (lost a lot of blood, 3rd degree tear) I was being sewn up by a lovely Iranian Registrar.....chatting away about our kids, holidays (as you do when a complete stranger is trying to put your poor torn and battered foof back together) and - out of nowhere - she says;
"I'm just going to put my finger up your back passage"
I just sighed and said;
"you could at least buy me a bag of chips first!"

Dh was mortified

My poor old fanny Looks like the Ypres salient down there

not in labour but a funny story anyway....

i was with DH having IVF egg transfer, lying on me back, legs in stirrups. VERY dishy doctor says... 'i bet this is a first for you, lying on your back, no knickers on and two blokes in the room'

i said CRINGE 'not really, typical saturday night!'

I'm so glad he laughed!

I told my mum that g+a was like smoking weed.... She wisely waited a few weeks before questioning me about that one

Also when I was being stitched up I kept saying 'it's like being at the dentist' - even though clearly it isn't!

whilst being stitched by the lovely male midwife i kept saying 'but men can't sew' and laughing hysterically! due in 2 days, i do hope i don't get him again I'd be so

I asked my husband if I was having a pedicure. And told the midwife that the room had just exploded. Looking back, I think I may have had a touch too much G&A.

With both dd's I kept appologising for complaining about the pain. With dd2 a 90 min labour- I had to convince the mw I was in labour and begged for the water birth 'I deserve it I breastfeed and everything!' then i delivered minutes later.

DD2 came out so fast 3 pushes I remember mid push complaining I wasnt wearing my chosen labour nightie!

G&A is such good stuff
I apologised to mw and anesthetist for wearing my old grey granny bra, told the anesthetist I loved him and hugged the mw's arm whilst saying how glad I was she came (?) I made everyone in the room swear they'd never repeat what went on in there as well....

Wow, G&A sounds amazing!

When the midwife told me to push I said 'I can't, I don't want to get piles'. I had had terrible piles after dd1 labour, clearly it had stuck in my memory!

When hubby told me to 'breathe' I told him to fuck off. Told the doctor he knew nothing because he was a man and he agreed. told my nice midwife 'i like you, your nice.' also said 'can't i go home, i want a break now.'

I was so high on the gas and air though i'm sure i did other things too.

When I was being moved from the MLU downstairs to the del suite for an epidural, for some reason the MW and MrNC kept trying to throw a sheet over me. As it was hotter than hell in the hospital, especially outside the lifts with crowds, I kept trying to chuck it back at them.

Some months later MrNC explained that the sheet was because I was naked...

Recently saw a woman in labour being escorted via the lifts up to the MLU.
MW: So when did your waters break again?
Panting woman: On the way up here, in the lift - oh look, there's the puddle!

love the power of a good fringe!! I just remembered another one of mine - when I was pushing the midwife saying 'bear down through your bottom' and (with poo on my mind obviously!) saying 'well thats just asking for trouble!'

I do like to be in control in front of strangers so, despite a very very long labour with DC1 I was so proud never to have made so much as a squeak or even whispered a profanity.

However, I hadn't bargained for the farts. So the whole of the second stage was fart - pardon me, fart - pardon me, fart - pardon me...

The student who was with me when I delivered DD2 had her hand on me for some of the time. I HATED being touched and hissed at her- please take your hand OFF me, in polite, icy tones. This is the woman who cleaned up the enormous steaming pile of shite I produced 10 minutes previously

flossed my teeth

my midwife was

I phoned the hospital while having contractions because I thought maybe I should go in. Chatted to the midwife who decided it wasn't time to come in yet. I immediately went into sulky teenager mode and answered every question with "no it's fine, I can't come in yet, I'll be fine" then hung up and burst into tears.

Midwife rang back (I forgot that she'd have my number ) and dh answered. I absolutely refused to speak to her and just sobbed my heart out on the floor. I was not quite as cool and calm as I thought I might be at that stage!

I don't remember anything particularly embarrassing during labour itself, I don't think I spoke much. I did like a good shout during contractions though, thank god for the gas & air mouthpiece that muffles the noise!

My DH was decorating our house when I went into labour with DS and took ages to get to the hospital when the mw phoned him (my waters had gone the previous day). He ran through the door stinking of turps in his scruffy clothes covered in paint and I grabbed hold of his shirt collar as a contraction hit... or that was what I meant to do but actually got hold of him round the throat... it took him by suprise rather, as did the madwoman hiss of "where the fuck have you been, couldn't you have made an effort?". Poor love must have been relieved when the pethadine kicked in!
I got the giggles when in labour with DD, had G&A & broke the mask during a contraction, I can only think that I'd had a little too much of it as the MW gently took it away from me...

I have loved reading this thread :)

When I was in labour with number three, we had left it quite late getting to the hospital so there was no time for any pain relief. I was lying on the bed in the delivery room in agony. I then felt the urge to push and decided I needed gravity to speed things up so somehow got off the bed and down on all fours (in a yoga pose that helps contractions). The midwife was not happy and tried to get me back on the bed but I was very determined and pushed her away. I did two big pushes, let out a blood curdling scream for the last one and our son was out! Gravity had worked well and there was blood all over the floor!