Things you did in childbirth...

[GeneralDisarray]

That you're a little about now...
like shout 'GET YOUR EFFING FINGERS OUT OF ME NOW' at the lovely doc examing me..

Come on ease my embarrasment by telling me your worst...

[CoffeeOne]

Well done, this is the first thread that has had me in actual tears with laughter! Feeling much more calm about giving birth now too, no really!

[Mrsoverreaction]

I am going to have to stop reading this thread before I actually expire from laughing so much. It's making me want to go through childbirth again just because it's so bloomin' entertaining!

[whattheactualjeff]

merryberry and the hail marys - fucking hilarious [hgrin] [hgrin] [hgrin]

[Barmix]

The midwife was examining me and said what I thought was "Now, did you bring your lightbulb?"

Cue much fretting from me as I had not brought a lightbulb.
"Lightbulb? No one told me to bring a lightbulb?" Wail wail wail

To this day I have no idea what she actually said or indeed why you'd need a lightbulb to look where the sun don't shine I suppose

[samstown]

Eeeek! That should say SHARED not sharted! Ok, Im going now....

[samstown]

Wow, having just re read that I have realised I may have sharted to much......

[samstown]

Canoeingjulie dont worry about it - I was pushing for 2 and a half hours and I apparently pooed loads (DS was stuck so although lots of poo was coming out, he was going nowhere!). I just didnt give a shit (no pun intended!)

I then had to go into theatre for a forceps delivery and DH says that as they put me on the operating table I laid one on there as well . He says that no one noticed and he had to try and discreetly get the attention of the (apparently very attractive) female student to clear it up without saying 'excuse me, my wife has just done a massive poo on the table'!

I was so scared about pooing before hand (mostly worried about it smelling which somehow it didnt at all!) but I just didnt care - besides the staff have seen it all before... right?

[canoeingjulie]

Although I hate to say it - I pooed! I think embarassing is an understatement!

[IamtheSnorkMaiden]

Me again.

I just remembered that during my first labour, after the birth of my Twin 1 while waiting for Twin 2 to be born the midwife asked me, 'can you feel any contractions?' 'Yes' I replied. 'Where?' she asked. 'In my private parts' I said in a stage whisper. There were about fifteen people in the room, with a clear view of my fanjo, all smiling at me. Not very private.

[IamtheSnorkMaiden]

Anaesthetic sited my epidural? Sorry, I meant anaesthetist.

I'm drinking ouzo. Do forgive me.

[IamtheSnorkMaiden]

Oh I forgot that about an hour after the birth of my first set of twins (so not during labour) I was laid in my bed on the postnatal ward chatting with my mum, telling her about the labour, and I told her how I'd yelled in panic 'Clamp the cord' when my daughter who'd been born breech, came out pale and lifeless. For some reason, the memory of it really amused me and we started to laugh. I felt a gush down below and said 'oh I think I'm bleeding' and buzzed for the midwife. Turned out I'd pissed the bed. I was still laughing as the midwife helped me up and changed the sheets. I did apologise too. I'm just really gross.

[IamtheSnorkMaiden]

I just farted loads. I was sat on the edge of the bed while the anaesthetic was siting the epidural, trying to keep stock-still which was un-effing-believably hard as I was in transition but as my Twin 2 was transverse it was important to have the epidural in case we had to turn her or go to theatre. I could feel the pressure of Twin 1's head pressing down on my bowels and I just kept letting rip. Poor anaesthetist. In between contractions, when I managed to tear myself away from the entonox I said 'I've got wind. Really sorry.'

My cousin however was far more entertaining in labour. She asked her mother to smash a jar of chutney on her back to relieve the pain and kept grabbing her boyfriend's head. When he said 'Please stop doing that' she said 'Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were the fridge. I was getting a yoghurt.'

[lostinwales]

FUCK THIS WOMB SHIT brilliant!

[merryberry]

Working up to transition both times:

'Hail Mary, full of grace.
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.'

Contraction in silence then

'Oh shit I'm sorry I'm not religious I don't mean it, what's happening to me I don't mean it'

Approaching contraction:

'Hail Mary, full of grace.
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.'

Contraction in silence then

'I mean seriously what is this shit I can't stop it? I PROMISE I'm not religious. I'm not mad either I PROMISE'

Transition 'Oh fucking MAry CHRIST What NO! I mean what are the words? FUCK THIS WOMB SHIT'

[CBear6]

With DS the MW tried to give me information to encourage me and commented she had seen his head and he had loads of hair. I invited her to grab a handful and use it to pull him out.

I overdid the gas and air and got a bit drunk on it. I hallucinated about a cat under the bed that had a "people face".

I went in the bathroom for a wee, MW said not to lock the door so of course first thing I did was lock the door. Second thing I did was to not come out again, cue much banging on the door by MW and DH while I knelt on the floor contemplating the logistics of giving birth in there.

Commented "I think my bum is going to turn inside out" (MW: "it might")

When stitching me up afterwards I tearfully made them pinky promise not to accidentally stitch my virginity back together "because my husband won't like it" (I was high on the gas again).

With DD I had an EMCS. The gown they gave me had a tie missing at the back, thank goodness I had my dressing gown for the walk down the corridor to theatre. As we walked in they asked me to take the dressing gown off, mindful of the gown gaping gap over my bum I asked DH "hold the back of my gown together please darling until I get on the table". I felt the back of the gown held together, crossed the room, climbed on the table, and then saw DH still over by the doorway. No idea who held the gown for me.

As the spinal took effect I got a sensation like warm water running down my back and legs: "I think I'm weeing myself" (I thought I discretely whispered it to DH, he says I said it really loudly and everyone chuckled).

When DD was held up for us to see, cord still attached and covered in gunk: "is that one mine?"

The surgeon very nicely leaned over the curtain to tell me it was all going fine and they were nearly finished and I'd been really calm and done really well (I went in for an ECV and had a section with just an hours notice). She had a small splash of gore across her face visor. Me: Anaethetist:

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

Richard and Judy.

[Casa74]

Funniest thing I have read in years; have been crying with laughter. DH kept me laughing for days after birth of DD with stories of things I'd been saying but am most proud of fact that during contractions whilst in birthing pool I apparently kept pausing to answer questions on Pop Master.

[samstown]

Lol at 'please dont let it come out of my bum!'

During a long old labour I was on morphine and I have a vague recollection of naming my contractions. I remember saying 'that one was called Simon, that one was called Emily.....' (random names as well!)

[BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead]

Nothing interesting at all to report with DS, it was fast (not super fast though, he was born 2 hours after getting to hospital, was 6cm when we got there). I had g&a but didnt shout or scream or anything, and I'm convinced that I would rather birth than pregnancy any day
Wonder if I'll have an interesting story with DC2....

[thefurryone]

This is a great thread. G&A clearly has a lot to answer for

When I was induced with DS they gave me G&A whilst trying to break my waters, so I'd already had quite a bit before my contractions properly got going with the drip, the radio was on with some great tunes so thinking the MW was out of the room I proceeded to tell DH about the great flash backs I was having to my clubbing days, the midwife had not left the room she was just behind me

Whilst, the nice dr was stitching me up I inquired as to whether he was 'some kind of fucking sadist' He was getting married later in the week so I also told him to be slightly gentler with his new wife on honeymoon, and then when he poured water over my bits to wash them off, advised that was the nicest thing he'd done to me all night and perhaps his new wife would like it

[VeryHungryKatypillar]

Am loving this thread! Can't remember much but I do remember that once in active labour I would manically rub my feet together like a bloody cricket during each contraction whilst breathing and doing what DH kindly called my 'war face'. The MWs were concerned that I was going to give myself bed sores on my feet I did it so much.

[shagmundfreud]

Ah, At my homebirth with dc2 I remember whining "I think I'd just like a bit of a break now. Can we stop for a minute?" At that point ds's head was out and had been out for about four minutes, my contractions had disappeared and the midwives had phoned for the paramedics in between trying to haul ds out by his armpits. Midwife calmly said 'no Shag, we've got to finish this now. You can rest afterwards', gave an almighty pull and very fat (11lbs), pale and unresponsive ds came out onto the bed like a cork out of a bottle. Apparently I said 'ouch' at that point in a rather quiet voice.


Midwife flew backwards off the bed and landed on her arse on the floor. Then stood up, gathered her wits about her and resuscitated ds. It was a mad farce the whole thing. Had a friend with me who was considering applying to do midwifery. She changed her mind after that and did a degree in history instead.

[YellowDave]

LOVE this thread . Can't remember who posted this one but actually laughed till I cried at 'you could at least buy me a bag of chips first '

With ds1 I siad to the anaesthetis who came to give me an epidural 'I think I recognise you in a professional capacity' (I am a doc and had to work with him afterwards double )

The mw was trying to persuade me that I could mobilise (before epidural) as per my birth plan and I took off the gas and air and said 'I know my birth plan says to encourage me to mobilise but I can't think of anything I want to do less'

Ds2 was an elective section (after an emcs with ds1). Dh was watching and asked 'what is all that yellow stuff?' The consultant said 'thats fat'. Dh says 'theres loads of it!'. I wasn't actually offended and found it pretty funny! The consultant stopped what he was doing, said to dh 'You can't say that!' and then to me 'There isn't'

[lostinwales]

Apart from doing the biggest foulest smelling fart (DH was mortified and ran around opening windows and spraying deodorant) when I was mid DS3's epic labour I was convinced I sounded like a character off our favourite sci fi programme and asked everyone who came near "Do I sound like a Goa'uld" god knows what they thought I was on about.