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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Sex after childbirth

43 replies

Spuddybean · 20/10/2010 12:10

My Partner is concerned that i will have 'stretched' during childbirth and that we will not enjoy sex anymore. He wants me to have a ceaserian.
I would rather not if i don't need it but i can't reassure him it will all be fine 'downstairs'. Friends have torn/been cut and have said it was never the same again. His male friends have commented on wives looking horrific down there afterwards.
I am angry that my concern is about this but i still want to have a good sex life. Any advice?

OP posts:

togarama · 20/10/2010 23:43

I had no tearing with DD who was my first. I did have a slight graze from her hand so I guess it depends on the definition of "intact". I also know at least 2 others who did not tear with their first child. (The main things I know that we had in common were that we all home birthed and spent lots of time in water during labour.)

My MW didn't seem to think it was that unusual. Very lucky, yes. But not some extreme rarity.

Original poster

Spuddybean · 21/10/2010 10:52

Thank you all, these messages have been very informative. Although i am now terrified! 'clitoral tears'!!!!

My mum said to tell him to piss off!
I understand any negative reaction but as i said before i do think it is a realistic/valid concern. I do also think it's his way of focussing on something in this situation he feels he could control. (however mad that sounds!)

Gone are the days when women lie back and think of england. Sex is just as important to me as it is to him and i want it to still feel good for both of us - However infrequently it becomes! (we have discussed the reality of exhaustion/mood etc on this too).

OP posts:

Mae34 · 21/10/2010 13:18

Obviously there is a really wide range of experiences and I second the general points made that sex will probably not be the most important issue after your baby arrives (!) and hardly a reason to undergoe major surgery...but, I had DD (first baby) in the summer and didnt have any tearing or grazes and she was 8 lb 7 so not a little girl and she came out with her hand by her head- DH reports no difference and I didnt feel anything had changed...mind you I did tons of perineal massage and was really overdue so that may have helped :)

RoxieP · 21/10/2010 13:30

nocake - wise words indeed, but I love the way you were checking out the "sex after childbirth" thread! The title obviously caught your eye - you must have wanted to know much you're likely to be getting! Lol! (Just playing with you )

nocake · 21/10/2010 16:05

Moi??? [hgrin]

pootros · 21/10/2010 22:15

Bumpsadasie- I know what you mean about wusses and each to their own. i think for me the scariest thing is the loss of control of natural birth, and the potential for any amount/ unknown amount of perineal damage. Therefore, for me the CS is less scarey mentally as ( hopefully) the procedure is fairly standard, although granted recovery is longer. ( resolves to be clearer in forthcoming threads) .
Spuddybean- what did your partner say to all those responses?!

BagofHolly · 22/10/2010 00:30

I'd suggest taking your partner to see your obstetrician and letting HIM argue that you should have a cs to keep you the same down below. I would thinktheyd be happy to chew his nuts off for you. What an idiot! Tell him he needs to grow a bigger cock than the one he's already behaving like!
Fwiw i had a cs and frankly, I was so tired for most of the first few months that sex was only available so long as it didn't wake me up!

blackwell · 22/10/2010 00:53

My ex said it didn't feel any different with his first wife, they had two. He has no real reason to lie, seeing as it wouldn't have been me he was talking about.

Jennylee · 22/10/2010 01:21

i have had 3 kids and no tears ever no stitches nothing, im not the same as when i was 18 lol but tis not totally that different, u have to do the kegels though! afterthe first one that was the one that made a difference. ur man is being childish, I take it u won't be breastfeeding then lest your boobs drop and won't be ageing either lest u get older looking and get grey hair? are u with a wizard who can freeze time and never age himself? if he gets balding does he have to have a hair transplant so he looks the same? if he needs glasses will he have to get lazer treatment so he won't lookdifferent with glasses on? he is being an ass. life is not a tv show, he is with a woman not a little girl. sex is important, but it will drop down in importance when u first have the baby, u will be tired and may not be in the mood, this will get better u have ur whole lives to have sex, your baby now that passes quickly.

Original poster

Spuddybean · 22/10/2010 18:49

Jennylee - Wow 3 and no stitches! that makes me feel better. I will breastfeed if i can. Saggy boobs aren't a problem - my tits are not that great anyway!
This is more about how sex will feel between us. Not what either of us look like. His concern isn't just about him, it's about both of us enjoying sex as our act of intimacy and expression of love.
He is concerned that i will be hurt and unable to enjoy us being together and that the stretching will make me unable to feel as much internally.
Which is why the thought of me having a cs scar or overhang doesn't bother him (altho it bothers me!).
I already have grey hair and an imperfect body, as does he!
He is substantial enough in that dept so i'm sure it isn't a size thing he is worried about. I think he's just terrified how things will change and this is how it has manifested itself.
Pootros - i haven't told him i posted the question so i don't want to tell him the responses!
Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:

Jennylee · 22/10/2010 22:36

hey I see more what he was meaning , he is scared, well it is scary , I can't promise it will all go fine and no tearing but there is no point being that scared lots of people have more than one child and still love each other and get close again after the birth . the way u have put his feelign in your last post makes me think I was way off the mark. your fears are normal but you will get through the birth and the few months after and u do get back to normal again. My friend has cs each time and she gets back to normal quicker than me, it depends on the person and how much help u get afterwards, once u have the baby u will be more thinking of needing help with the baby and household stuff, thats what he can do to help u get back to normal, worrying about it is normal. my last post was a bit past the mark i think. if he wants to keep the intimacy it really is being helpful and caring after the birth that will make a big difference

grapeandlemon · 22/10/2010 22:41

Did his friends really say such awful, personal comments about their wives? That is bloody depressing.

Jennylee · 22/10/2010 23:08

oh and no stitches or tearing does not mean pain free afterwards, its sore and swollen for a week or a few days afterwards and would sting if u just wee with no water pouring from a jug over your bits at the same time and sore to touch , I used cotton and water for the first week or so as I wanted to not hurt more, even though no tears or stitches, area will still be tender from doing what it was meant to do that is STRETCH !

clarabellarocks · 23/10/2010 21:45

I'm sorry but that is bloody ridiculous. What a prat - sorry but never heard such a stupid reason to have a section.

No - it doesn't look the same down there. It's like a new coat with the button holes where the buttons have to be forced through - after a couple of years the holes do gape a bit. You get what I mean?! And I had to be cut so I bear the scar but I have done one of lifes greatest miracles and given birth as a woman is meant to (no complications allowing!)Sex is the same and my DH assures me feels no different but I did feel very nervous for sometime afterwards so you may need a sensitive, reassuring partner for that bit!

It's just like you tummy - it may not be quite the same but you just need to look at what you have produced and nobody really should give a shit!

ginger2000 · 24/10/2010 13:43

Haven't had time to read all posts through properly but just wanted to add the thought that even (and I don't think sex is a valid reason to have one) if you did have a CS, you might still be a bit 'saggy' down there!! I have had two sections (one emergency and one elective) and I still feel the need to do pelvic floors because I can just tell things are not the same - I have had a head bearing down on my muscles for 9 months and so everything is a little 'loose' despite the absence of a VB.

However, I don't look nice in a bikini because I have two bloody great scars from my CS's - that might put some men off I suppose

clarabellarocks · 24/10/2010 17:33

And it's those men we should all avoid ginger!

Original poster

Spuddybean · 24/10/2010 19:24

Jennylee et al - I suppose for brevity i just asked the immediate question looking for anecdotal evidence without putting the whole thing into context. I certainly would not be with someone who did not put my/baby health and happiness first.
When i said he was concerned, that was just one of the things we discussed in our many conversations regarding fears/excitement etc.
For the record it was not his first response - just a much later conversation.
Also, he has some savings and offered to pay privately for me to have a cs only if it was what i wanted - he would not expect nhs to pay for our choices.
Anyway, we chatted last night and this worry seems to have subsided- Only to be replaced with the worry of how he will pay for baby to go to university!!

OP posts:

Petsville · 24/10/2010 20:12

I had a vaginal birth - first baby, no tears or grazes, so it can happen - and after the first week, when I was quite sore and bruised and felt things were going to fall out if I walked too far, I felt pretty normal again (I was back on my bike after two weeks). DS is now 10 weeks old and my pelvic floor is now pretty much back to normal, I think. Still haven't had sex so can't tell you what that's like as I'm exclusively breastfeeding and knackered and can't imagine ever wanting sex again at the moment, but I can't imagine it'll be very different when we do get round to it.

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