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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Sex after childbirth

43 replies

Spuddybean · 20/10/2010 12:10

My Partner is concerned that i will have 'stretched' during childbirth and that we will not enjoy sex anymore. He wants me to have a ceaserian.
I would rather not if i don't need it but i can't reassure him it will all be fine 'downstairs'. Friends have torn/been cut and have said it was never the same again. His male friends have commented on wives looking horrific down there afterwards.
I am angry that my concern is about this but i still want to have a good sex life. Any advice?

OP posts:
togarama · 20/10/2010 12:25

Just to begin with - what an ignorant idiot. It's great to have the option of caesarian to protect the health of mother and baby when there's a real medical (or psychological) need. But it's major abdominal surgery with its own attendant risks and a longer average recovery time than VB, not something to be taken lightly.

Please remember that not all VBs involve cutting or tearing "down there" in the first place and there are things you can do to minimise this risk. After a few months most women with minor tears/cuts will also be back to normal.

I don't have any before and after photos for comparison but I can't personally tell any difference from before DD was born.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 20/10/2010 12:32

Thanks for your advice. Can i just ask - you say you can't tell any difference visually but does it feel different inside for you? or your partner?

OP posts:
ShowOfBloodyStumps · 20/10/2010 12:35

Would it help if we all posted pictures of our snatches?

I'd agree to the cs if he agrees to a penis enlargement. Give and take.

pootros · 20/10/2010 12:43

I'd jump at a CS but don't have 7000 to fund one!! (am preg 1st time so no experience of post baby snatch- but am a big wuss!)
reassure him - lots of people have more than one baby and even if it feels different it doesn't mean it won't feel good...? At least he's communicating honestly with you about his worries. I think my bloke is sticking head in the ground about Horrorsnatch.

mungogerry · 20/10/2010 12:43

I think your partner has serious issues with his priorities if he is prepared to ask/desire you to undergo major abdominal surgery with it's inherent risks for you and baby, just incase you don't look "as pretty" or feel a little stretched.

I think he needs to grow up and start acting like the responsible and mature parent and partner he is going to have to be very soon!

sarahscot · 20/10/2010 12:46

I tore quite badly giving birth to my 9lb DS. It took 12 weeks until we were able to have sex again, and to begin with, if I'm honest, it wasn't as tight 'down there'. After a few months it all goes back to how it was before, especially if you do all your pelvic floor exercises.

Tell your DH if he's woried about it the answer is to abstain from sex for 6 months, just to make sure you've had time to go back to normal!

. . . and then point out that penises are not even remotely pretty to begin with and tell him to feck off. Grin

togarama · 20/10/2010 12:46

I'd agree to the cs if he agrees to a penis enlargement. Give and take. Grin My photo comment was meant as a joke too but I forgot the smiley....

OP - Literally, can't tell any difference in any way. Maybe we've both just forgotten or maybe nothing changed. In the absence of any noticeable problems, there's just too many other important things to worry about.

Original poster
Spuddybean · 20/10/2010 12:52

i am sure that once it's all over he wont even notice or care but at the moment because he can't really imagine it all, he is focussing on a reality based in the logic of physics!
i'm glad we talk about this stuff and he has valid concerns - i'd be lying if i said i wasn't worried about 'stretching'.

OP posts:
SelinaDoula · 20/10/2010 13:12

I think this is an 'urban myth'. Yes, things do feel different, usually if you have perineal trauma (tearing or an episiotomy) depending on the extent and how many stitches etc.
You can also feel dry (especially if you are breastfeeding) and hormonally not feel like sex.
The vagina itself is like a concertina(or a rubber band) , lots of little ridges that stretch out, then come back together, so it does not actually change size inside, the baby is only in trhe birth canal (vagina) for a matter of minutes (usually)
Doing pelvic floor exercises can stengthen the muscles and actually make you feel 'tighter' when having sex.
HTH
Selina

DefNotYummyMummy · 20/10/2010 14:32

I had a vbac and even though I had a few internal stitches, sex was actually better afterwards. It did take a while to heal though. Also I had a torn labia which isn't too pretty - but I don't often go out showing it to people, and so I'm fine with that. I count myself pretty lucky. I don't expect things to be exactly the same after enduring pregnancy and birth.

Marjee · 20/10/2010 15:14

Lots of pelvic floor exercises should get everything back to normal, its not just the birth, the weight of the baby during pregnancy can make the muscles slacker so a cs won't guarantee it stays tight.

I have a stupid question for anyone who may know - if you don't tear or have an episiotomy does that mean you've stretched more and are therefore "looser" afterwards? Sorry for the hijack just always wondered!

Backinthebox · 20/10/2010 15:16

If sex afterwards is all he's worried about, he's got a big shock coming his way!

RoxieP · 20/10/2010 15:41

He sounds supportive! Tell him you've never been happy with the look/feel of his bits but you've just put up with it because there's nothing you can do about it. At least you can do pelvic floor exercises...

Firawla · 20/10/2010 16:22

omg how selfish is he if that is his first thought!! cesarian is a major operation, its not right for him to just ask you to go through that for his own whim
and i think he is worrying too much anyway? it goes back to normal size, actually can feel tighter than normal wen u have just had a baby - alot of my friends said this too so i think its common. as someone said i think its an urban legend that you would get really lose.
my 2nd child was a big baby and everything is still as normal it just stretches for them to come out and thats it, not for permanantly

Bumperlicious · 20/10/2010 16:23

I don't think his concerns are valid at all. He wants you to have major surgery with all kinds of risks to you and your baby for no reason other than because he is afraid his dick is going to be too small to be satisfied?

He sounds like a prize Hmm

Bumpsadaisie · 20/10/2010 16:33

I don't think he realises how little sex you are going to want, regardless of what state your bits are in!

Pootros - not sure why people think CS are the easier option for "wusses" - blimey! You would have to be very much NOT a wuss to cope with newborn after major abdominal surgery. Each to their own of course but it is a hell of a lot easier to cope with a newborn baby if you haven't had a cs.

I avoided a CS just - had forceps and managed to find a last bit of energy to push her out after 3.5 hours of pushing!

OP - had episiotomy, which was fine - took a two or three weeks to heal. I think we first had sex again (VERY carefully) after about 3.5 weeks. At that stage it does still feel quite different, but this changes over time and after about 6 mths it feels pretty much normal again (though I still can't keep tampons in quite so well as I used to).

LadyintheRadiator · 20/10/2010 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nocake · 20/10/2010 16:55

As a bloke with a pregnant wife I'd like to say.... what a knob! If he's more concerned about what sex is going to be like afterwards rather than what's best for you and his child then he needs a reality check. He is in for such a shock when the baby is born.

doireallywant3 · 20/10/2010 17:17

i had internal and external stitches after dd and first had sex about 3 or 4 months after the birth. was quite scared about it but it was great. i definitely feel as though i have snapped back into shape and DH reports no change. dc2 due in may 2011 so will be interesting to see if i snap back again... i expect probably not. DH is well-endowed so i can;t forsee a problem either way! lucky me! seriously though, like the pther posters say, we are pretty elastic so barring major trauma, things should return to normal i think.
or you could get an extra stitch to tighten you up! sorry, only joking.. end of day tiredness and delirium setting in.

Bumperlicious · 20/10/2010 18:04

I have quizzed dh as to whether things feel different & he assures me no. however i am convinced he would say that anyway, & that is exactly what a partner should say IMO.

herethereandeverywhere · 20/10/2010 22:22

My vaginal birth (induced back to back Keillands forceps) ruined my life for a long time. The pain is now beginning to subside 12 months on and I've managed to force myself to look at the scar, not pretty but better than an open wound. And when the double incontinence stopped at about 6 weeks I started to get my confidence back. The pain was close to unbearable for the first 2 months. I'm still not able to let myself think about sex, never mind do it. If I could reverse time and have a csection, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

My husband however has not once even mentioned sex, let alone put pressure on me. Neither did he ever cite this as any sort of ambition prior to the birth. He has been loving, supportive and the perfect father to our gorgeous DD.

If he had EVER put his sexual needs before our DD (or me) I'd have torn his bollocks off with my bare hands.

If I had the opportunity to have a csection I'd jump at the chance - but NEVER for anyone else except my unborn child.

Be weary of the "not everyones births end in tears/episiotomy". You try to find the statistics for first time mothers who give birth vaginally and end up with neither. Your friendly NCT lady will not be able to help.

Birth is traumatic for the mother. Csection is a serious operation with risks, particularly if the child is not ready to be born. Choose what is best for you.

splashy · 20/10/2010 23:08

herethere 27% of women have an intact perineum postpartum, it does happen.

i did and my dd had a head in the 99th centile!

BubbleBobble · 20/10/2010 23:28

What everyone else said.

Also, have you considered the fact that your doctors are not likely to agree to perform a cesarean on you unless there is a medical reason? Tell your OH that.

We've not had sex yet and our DS is 5 months. I had a similar, though not as bad, healing experience to herethereandeverywhere, following on from a forceps delivery and a third degree tear that healed incorrectly.

My partner is supportive and while he does joke about sex a lot, he would wait for as long as it took for me to be completely healed AND mentally comfortable with the idea of penetration again. Because he's not a twat.

herethereandeverywhere · 20/10/2010 23:29

Does intact perineum mean no tearing, or no perineal tearing? I know several women with clitoral tears. And does that statistic include women who have already had a baby? There is a much lower chance of tears and episiotomy for subsequent births.

I have never met a woman who didn't have either one or the other from a first vaginal birth (not officially statistically significant although I do know the birth stories of well over 20 women - the minimum needed for a statistically significant sample). I'm sure it does happen, as do births that last 1 hour beginning to end and women who don't notice they're in labour until they get the urge to push.

Just as my birth is an extreme example, so is the no tearing one. We should be painting a realistic picture of childbirth for women.

togarama · 20/10/2010 23:35

herethere: your case was extreme and sounds horrendous. I'm glad that you're beginning to recover.

However, it's true that not all births end in tears or episiotomy. (Stats can be googled - there's quite a few about but I have to go to bed....) Nor are all births traumatic, although many are.

Completely intact perineum is the best case scenario and you've presented one of the worst. There's people on this thread who've had both and their experiences are equally valid.

First and second degree tears are most common, third and fourth both much rarer.

There are influencing factors that minimise the risk of tears / cuts but there's no guarantee on the day.

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