Im an absolute mess and would appreciate any and all help

[burgerandchip]

Name change for this one

Recently our world was blown apart when the school informed us that our child had been self harming and had written suicide notes. Nothing prepares you for hearing that as a parent.

Since finding this out, her behaviour has been the most awful I can imagine. The child I knew feels completely gone and has been replaced by a version of her that is aggressive, purposely mean and constantly goading us. She is lashing out at home, hitting her siblings and has even squared up to me and her dad. It feels like we are living with a stranger.She is 12 years old.

She is under the care of CAMHS and is classed as tier 3, but she is absolutely refusing to engage or talk to anyone. A neurodivergent assessment has been mentioned, which I am open to, but up until just a few months ago she was the easiest, happiest child. She loved life, was fun, carefree and kind. Now there isn’t even a hint of that child left and it is breaking my heart.

We have drastically limited all screen time and her phone shuts off at 8.30pm every night. She only had TikTok as social media and that is now restricted, keyword filtered and linked to my account so I can see everything. We are trying to remove as many external influences as possible while still keeping some normality for her.

The family home now feels like such an unhealthy environment. Her younger siblings are scared and don’t fully understand what is happening. We are constantly trying to keep everyone safe while walking on eggshells, and it feels impossible to get the balance right. She i so so angry all the time

She refuses to talk at all. There is no insight, no explanation, no way in. Every day I am in tears with the sheer stress and constant fear. I am terrified of missing something or making the wrong decision. I don’t know how to help her when she won’t let anyone in, and I feel completely helpless.
If anyone has been through anything like this, I would be so grateful to hear from you. I feel like I am drowning and don’t know where to turn next

So it sounds like she was struggling though - but maintaining a front at home. I'm not sure how she managed that but she must have been if you didn't know or see any signs.

What are her relationships like with her friends and teachers?

We had similar at the same age, but with my son.

I truly feel there was a trigger point, though we never found out. If he disclosed it to cahms or his gp they never told me. It was a very tough time.

I used to have visions of coming home and finding him dead. I worked from home so I stopped leaving the house. I would stay awake listening to him, feeling guilty when I heard his heart wrenching sobs, feeling guilty when I accidently fell asleep.

He saw none of this of course but its to point out that it is horrific on the family. I aged 10 years and im not saying this as a joke, o genuinely have aged and never recovered.

What did help was the right person at CAHMs finally. I worked with the school about his school refusal as best I could. And I got him through each day. He got himself through each day.

Social media doesn't help we all know that but sometimes his phone was his only life line so it was a hard battle.

As he went through puberty, got a bit older, found cbt and sport helped he started going to the gym, by 16 he has a very part time job and hormones settled, friendships settled and he is now 20 and doing well. He has down days for sure and im constantly on edge listening for tone shifts or crying but the days became less and less.

Keep your other kids safe and be a forceful parent who pushes for help and support wherever they can get it. Hug her in the better moments and tell her you love her. Spend 1on1 time, keep the sports up and mind yourself as best you can x

We had similar at the same age, but with my son.

I truly feel there was a trigger point, though we never found out. If he disclosed it to cahms or his gp they never told me. It was a very tough time.

I used to have visions of coming home and finding him dead. I worked from home so I stopped leaving the house. I would stay awake listening to him, feeling guilty when I heard his heart wrenching sobs, feeling guilty when I accidently fell asleep.

He saw none of this of course but its to point out that it is horrific on the family. I aged 10 years and im not saying this as a joke, o genuinely have aged and never recovered.

What did help was the right person at CAHMs finally. I worked with the school about his school refusal as best I could. And I got him through each day. He got himself through each day.

Social media doesn't help we all know that but sometimes his phone was his only life line so it was a hard battle.

As he went through puberty, got a bit older, found cbt and sport helped he started going to the gym, by 16 he has a very part time job and hormones settled, friendships settled and he is now 20 and doing well. He has down days for sure and im constantly on edge listening for tone shifts or crying but the days became less and less.

Keep your other kids safe and be a forceful parent who pushes for help and support wherever they can get it. Hug her in the better moments and tell her you love her. Spend 1on1 time, keep the sports up and mind yourself as best you can x

ND can fly under the radar, especially with girls until high school.
Then what we found (DD not assessed until she was 17) was the maturity gap between DD and her peers suddenly widened. She found high school overwhelming and hostile.
She was, and is, extremely bright, funny and quirky. She stayed in mainstream school and got great results. Several months out of school during COVID couldn't have come at a better time.
I think I would try and massively reduce all demands on your dd. Even pressing her to talk. She may not be able to fully articulate her feelings - hence perhaps wanting to stop feeding, stop communicating.
How is she in school?

Perhaps it’s being upset/ furious the school told you about self harming?

Could she feel a confidence has been betrayed?

I would guess the transition to secondary school has thrown her for a loop. It’s a massive change especially if there is ND in the mix.

The friendship group is what stood out for me here. This sounds like a potential social contagion going on, at least contributing anyway. Can you get her more involved in activities that take her away from these particular friends?

This is probably not going to be a single solution resolution but getting rid of TikTok (entirely) and friendship distraction might start to make a difference.

No nothing lke that and hast started her period yet

Teachers and her pastoral support teacher are very shocked.

Yes to all of these, she was absoloutly enraged people knew

What about her mates though. How does she behave when she brings friends round? How often does she go to their houses or ask to meet up with them?

They seem lovely but i dont know them well, this is an entirely new group from primary school and there is about 20 girls in the group.

We have had a few sleepovers etc again all seem lovely but from the messages i can see its very extreme co dependant behaviour.

No chatting like a normal 12 year old its all very intense.

Ok so that’s positive she does seem to have friends then. But yes that can totally get a bit much if they’re too in each others pockets! What are they doing if not chatting?!

Has she mentioned any friendship issues?

And im assuming she isn’t acting aggressively when she’s having friend round for a sleepover - does her attitude towards you change then?

You mention ND. They often hold it together until some point in secondary and then it all comes out.