Im an absolute mess and would appreciate any and all help

[burgerandchip]

Name change for this one

Recently our world was blown apart when the school informed us that our child had been self harming and had written suicide notes. Nothing prepares you for hearing that as a parent.

Since finding this out, her behaviour has been the most awful I can imagine. The child I knew feels completely gone and has been replaced by a version of her that is aggressive, purposely mean and constantly goading us. She is lashing out at home, hitting her siblings and has even squared up to me and her dad. It feels like we are living with a stranger.She is 12 years old.

She is under the care of CAMHS and is classed as tier 3, but she is absolutely refusing to engage or talk to anyone. A neurodivergent assessment has been mentioned, which I am open to, but up until just a few months ago she was the easiest, happiest child. She loved life, was fun, carefree and kind. Now there isn’t even a hint of that child left and it is breaking my heart.

We have drastically limited all screen time and her phone shuts off at 8.30pm every night. She only had TikTok as social media and that is now restricted, keyword filtered and linked to my account so I can see everything. We are trying to remove as many external influences as possible while still keeping some normality for her.

The family home now feels like such an unhealthy environment. Her younger siblings are scared and don’t fully understand what is happening. We are constantly trying to keep everyone safe while walking on eggshells, and it feels impossible to get the balance right. She i so so angry all the time

She refuses to talk at all. There is no insight, no explanation, no way in. Every day I am in tears with the sheer stress and constant fear. I am terrified of missing something or making the wrong decision. I don’t know how to help her when she won’t let anyone in, and I feel completely helpless.
If anyone has been through anything like this, I would be so grateful to hear from you. I feel like I am drowning and don’t know where to turn next

Im no expert but I feel like such a sudden change would indicate perhaps that an incident has occurred that she’s not coping with very well. Can you think back to any time you might think of differently now but perhaps didn’t take much note of at the time?

I hope you have good support, this sounds so incredibly difficult.

huge hugs x

Exactly what i thought but she only got her phone in late 2025 so i went through every single whatsap message and nothing at all indicates anything has happened or any type of event. Theres alot of messages between friends and her firendship group seem all very similar in terms of "issues" and it all seems like a very intense friendship group.

Ive asked her outright and shes said no, anything else i try and ask gently she says shes not talking about it.

Sorry meant to add, she did have a secret tiktok account, the watch history was all suicidal ideation and self harming, we were all blocked from it. It was absolutly shocking to see and of course we have deleted that account.

With all due respect, do you think that she thinks she’s not being heard?
I ask this gently because my DD went through similar at 13 and like you it completely ripped my heart to shreds.
there was no sign she was unhappy, I saw no evidence. Til one day she left her phone open. This was 12 years ago but she’d been on self harm and suicide groups.
I remember that period in a haze. I slept with her ever night, couldn’t let her out of my sight for a moment until we could get help.
unfortunately for us all those years ago, she agreed to see our GP. She poured out her heart to him to be met with so many dismissives (he told her to stop going on the internet and not to read magazines!) and sent her on her way.
it took all of her soul to tell him how she felt. She’s never trusted doctors since 😢
ultimately it seemed that she felt unheard in the family, that expectations on her was too much. Her little sister was getting all the attention and we ignored her (her words, and that was only the way she saw it at the time)
in the immediate time after it came to light, the only way we were able to deal with it was for me to focus all my time on her and DH took responsibility for younger DD.
yes it was wrong to push her out, but that was the only way I felt I could help my elder DD. I was so afraid she wouldn’t be here when I woke up in the morning.
it was so traumatic and the guilt I felt was crippling. How I had no idea.

After a few years of counselling (it got worse before it got better and I had to take a lot of the blame on the chin) she’s now 25 years old and we have the most amazing bond.

she doesn’t blame me for anything and talks about the hugely overwhelming feelings she was experiencing at that time.

don’t know what advise to give you really.
Just hold her close and let her know she’s loved

Thank you so much for your reply.

Honestly im not ruling anything out, she may feel not heard its entirely possible but we are such an open communication family like i cant stress that enough.

We really have what could be seen as the perfect set up, 2 happy parents, very very strong family from both sides, we all go out for dinner alot and spend alot of time together and im not saying we are perfect and im sooooo open to her telling us if its something we have done, something we can change.

Shes grown up in what would be considered a very safe and healthy enviroment. BUT im absolutly willing to take any or all responsability if it is something we have done, she just wont tell us anything.

When did she start secondary school?

August 2025

This is such excellent insight @burgerandchip to the types of issues 12 year olds experience and some solid advice into the steps for managing it.

It is such a tricky stage and they need help and support going through it. They find this stuff confusing and difficult to articulate.

You need to put aside how you are feeling and be open to hearing her experiences which will be a lot about perceived mistakes, you her parents are making. I say perceived because teens simply do not have the world experience to understand the context for good parenting decisions.

You and teachers and friends will have a bit of time being the bad guy but her feeling safe expressing these feelings will allow her to start to move forward instead of sitting in blame which does not help.

We too had what I’d have called a pretty perfect family, giving our DC everything.
But for the whatever reason she didn’t see it like that.
I’ve learnt over time that it wasn’t my fault, nor was it hers.
some feelings go deeper than we’d like to acknowledge or recognise.
Your situation isn’t about blame or recriminations

It’s about recognising what your DC needs now.

your heart will breaking into a million pieces right now. But you have to put on your big girl pants and put that aside.
I don’t say that lightly at all, but she doesn’t need to see how this is affecting you.
She needs you to be the mum that you’ve always been, even if she’s reacting differently.
Not sure if this has made any sense but it’s bringing up memories that I’d suppressed , just how helpless I felt at that time.

You will get through this

She is lashing out at home, hitting her siblings and has even squared up to me and her dad. It feels like we are living with a stranger.She is 12 years old.
how old are her younger siblings and how violent is she being to them?
Are they safe at home?
Like pp is there possiblty of jealousy?

Sorry to add another post.
but just to say my DD (25) and I have an amazing relationship now but she still I’ll sees that period of her life differently to how I do.
But I learnt to respect her memories as she has mine.
Now she has more in common with that little girl that I knew than she has with that child that was going through so much that she and I couldn’t name nor comprehend.

Often neurodivergence can be triggered by huge changes (transition to secondary school) or puberty. If she’s not ND then something must’ve happened to trigger this change- for example bullying or access to really inappropriate online information.

Not in my experience.
this may be the case but it’s not a certainty

My friend's dd exhibited similar violent behaviour at a similar age. She was diagnosed as neurodivergent and found to have wild hormonal fluctuations. Part of the treatment was to go on the contraceptive pill. This has helped enormously.

i bet something’s not right at school. I’m not sure I’d send her in if she comes home lashing out to siblings.
My concerns would be she’s experienced some form of sexual assault.
has she started her periods?

This is really helpful and i appreciate you taking the time x

11 and 6

I mean as safe as they can be, they are all never left alone in the house obviously but she will have no issues doing it infront of us then denying.

I cant even explain how so completely out of character this is that i actually googled could it be a potential brain tumour, thats how extreme it all feels.

Thank you so much, did she go to the GP for these tests or was it all part of one service like Cahms

As far as the school can see ( and they have been extremely supportive and on the ball) there hasnt been anything they have identified.

This was my concern aswel, i just dont know where this could have occured, I did ask her if someone had hurt her physically or sexually and she looked at me like i was mental and said no but i get that doesnt mean much.

She has not started her period yet, she has defo started puberty as she is shaving her legs and has small boobs. Shes very athletic and competes in a sport and that seems to be the only place she is happy right now ( her coach is aware)

What sport any chance of abuse in that area?
The teen changing body can make some sports particularly challenging.

No her coach is female and lovely and a lot of safeguarding in place, it’s not gymnastics etc

rather than wait for camhs is there a way to go for a private psychiatric evaluation?
does she really not respond to a quiet 1-1 "honey we love you but need to know what has made you this unhappy"

She saw a private psychiatrist and was then referred back to the NHS. (I think CAMHS was too slow.)

How long did this change happen? Like over night or weeks/months?

Whats she like when her friends come over?

The change happened the day we found out from the school she had been self harming.

From that day she completely changed as a person

Has she been sick recently before the change? Could PANs/PANDA be considered? Has she started her period? Has puberty begun in other ways? If so it could be a hormonal thing and maybe a blood test at the GP might be a start.