Son, age 4, consistently says he wants to be a girl

[aviewoftrees]

For as long as I can remember, from time to time my son (5 later this year) he has made comments about wanting to be a girl. His comments are not about wanting to wear makeup or dresses (he does like to dress up as princesses but he also likes to dress up as Spiderman) but specifically about wanting to be a girl. I should also add that he doesn't say he IS a girl, he says he wants to be a girl.

Here are a few of the things he has said:

• he wants to feel a baby in his tummy
• he wants to be a mummy and a granny
• he wants to draw a line like I have so people will think he is a girl
• he will pretend to be a girl and nobody will know the truth that he is a boy

I have always been very clear with him that boys and girls can play with all toys, wear all things, do all activities so I don't think it comes from a place of feeling he would have to be a girl to undertake certain activities. I once mentioned it to his teacher and she suggested maybe it comes from a place of idolising me and wanting to be like me, which could explain some of it.

He only seems to talk about it with me (although he does also generally always want to play female roles in games). He so far hasn't shown any aversion to his "boy" clothes and I would say that generally he plays "like a boy" although he always chooses female roles in his games.

I'm not pushing anything at all and I never have, I'll be honest and say that I hope he isn't trans, only because it will of course add obstacles that otherwise he wouldn't have to deal with. However I will love him to his core whoever he turns out to be and will have his back every step. Currently I'm just listening and making sure he knows he will always be loved. I've always allowed him to explore any type of play/dress up but I'm starting to feel more and more anxiety that something I do, or something I don't do, is going to push him down one path or another which may not end up being the right one. I'm also nervous that with going to school this year he may begin to be exposed to talk of being trans and that this could, rather than reassuring him, confuse him more.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

He's 4.

He currently doesn't fully understand the full differences between boys and girls.

He's at an age of magical reality where all things are possible - to him it's perfectly possible to be a girl, to have a baby in his tummy and to be just like mummy and granny.

Let him pretend. Let him enjoy being like mummy and granny - he can even stuff a dolly under his jumper and pretend he's got a baby there.

What he cannot ever do is become a girl. You don't need to say this to him - he will figure it out as he grows and develops.

What you do is let him carry on playing and learning and enjoying this wonderful phase of his life.

There is nothing wrong with him. He's an imaginative and wonderful boy who will hopefully grow into a man that is not afraid to be caring and explore things that have been wrongly defined as female only traits.

Primary school kids don’t talk about being trans. And I can’t say who your son will be, but you are over worrying here. My daughter was adamant she wanted to be Batman until she was 6, she’d cry occasionally when it hit home that she wouldn’t ever learn to fly (even though Batman can’t fly), she wanted to be Batman with every fibre of her being. But the facts are: 1) she’s a little girl and Batman isn’t real, she never won’t be biologically female 2) she’s was a little kid, she grew out of it.

I sometimes worried about her because it seemed to make her anxious that she wouldn’t be Batman, worried why she was so set on it. But kids go through weird phases. And I know it’s not the same as wanting to be the other sex, but it’s as unrealistic, even if he turned out to be trans he’d never carry a baby in his belly.

She’s also adamant she will never have kids because the idea of them in her belly makes her feel funny, that might change it might not. But she’s a child are just needs normal conversation and reassurance.

Have you told him he cannot do those things?
Is his dad at home too?

@BiologicalRobot You don't need to tell him he can't be a girl, any more than you tell a 4 year old that Santa and the Tooth fairy aren't real.

Children figure this out in their own time.

@ToKittyornottoKitty I still want to be Batman with every fibre of my being and am still sad that I'm not quite rich enough

We are white. As a 4 year old my blonde DD wanted to look 'just like Uncle Ben when I grow up'.

Uncle Ben (friend of ours) is 6ft 4" and from Ghana. Very black. And male.

I just used to say, 'Lovely' and then move on to something else. Life doesn't always turn out the way you hope as a 4 year old. You are doomed to disappointment.

I wanted to be an eagle. Just say 'yes, dear' and change the subject.

When I was that age I wanted to be a pirate

No real advice but when I was young I used to always say I wanted to be a boy. I really wanted boy parts but also wanted big boobs. Can't remember what age I stopped saying it though so that's unhelpful. Try not to stress too much about it.

Nod and smile, and then chivvy him along on something else. Don’t get into any gender or boy/girl dialogue.

I wanted to be a boy, a dinosaur, a ghostbuster and Michaelangelo the ninja turtle before the age of 8. The reality is that I was a little girl with an imagination.

My son is talking all the time about how many children he wants. He’s desperate for a baby. I’ve told him only mummies carry the baby not daddies but he can still love a baby and look after it when he’s a daddy one day. I just keep reassuring and I really do think it will pass in a few months

Oops sorry replied to the wrong comment

Oh yes! I've been super, super clear with him that although he can wear dresses etc if he wants, he will never be able to grow a baby in his tummy. His dad is at home, his dad is incredible. He is a 6 ft 4 carpenter who builds fantastic things and then comes home and does the cooking haha :) My son shows interest in his dad's work, they play lego and build vehicles together. In fact my son has several very positive, masculine male role models :)

What a load of bs.

Parent him. Yes, he can wear whatever he wants, but should he? Dresses in our time and place = female. Why let him wear them in the first place? Why not just say no?

If you indulge this, and don't explain things to him, and instead let a 4 yea4 old lead the way, all kinds of madness lies ahead for you and him. Particularly with the crap he's gonna be exposed to online as he grows up.

It's your job to say no sometimes.

Thank you for your reply. That is the one time I really have interjected firmly when he has talked about this topic, to tell him that he will never be able to grow a baby in his belly because he doesn't have the right body parts for that.

Thank you for your reply. I do feel calmer even for having written it all down.

Ds wanted to be a train. DGS wants to be a tiger.
They are babies.

A 4 year old boy can wear a dress, they won’t catch any stereotypes from it. Grow up

I always wanted to be a boy. It was largely because boys in school were so mean about girls. Saying they were bitchy and gossipy.

It stated with that and the fact that I hated dresses and skirts.

Then in my teens I developed OCD that included tockophobia (obsessive fear about pregnancy, childbirth etc). I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. Boys were also now being leery and creepy. Which exasperated it further.

Being female just didn't feel safe. Or, like who I was.

So glad I wasn't born today or I'd grow up thinking I was trans.

I know boys can have similar trajectory.

I'd look to someone around him. Could even be a little playgroup friend saying 'boys are smelly/bad/mean'. Etc...

Something is making him feel it's not ok to be a boy

@TaupeMember I totally disagree with you.

Parenting is supporting children not forcing them into gender stereotypes.

It's being honest with them but knowing when they don't need to hear the absolute truth of the world yet.

It's giving them space and time to be a child.

Thank you so much. This is what I've been telling myself I just spiralled tonight when he said they he was going to grow up and pretend to be a girl and nobody would know the truth that he was a boy. It just seemed so advanced and specific for someone who has never heard anything about transgenderism (is that a word).

I wanted to have a broken leg in a plaster cast when I was 5. My friend wanted to be Toto from the Wizard of Oz.
Kids say and do weird stuff, and gow out of it.

Dd2 is 4 and she currently wants to be a puppy....
It's interesting he said he wants to be a mummy, maybe it's just because he looks up to you and wants to be like you therefore have a baby and be a mummy.
I'm not sure there's anything else in it op. I think she'd 4 they're only starting to realise that girls and boys are different, I know dd2 is just starting to question playing with boys or girls, that boys wear different clothes etc, it's very young still

He’s 4. At some point t he’ll want to be a cat, dog, superhero etc.

Children often want to be like people they idolise.

In fact I’m pretty sure humans do as nature. But he’s 4 so just says it how he’s thinking.

Santa and the Tooth fairy aren't real.

What!? 😱😭