Son, age 4, consistently says he wants to be a girl

[aviewoftrees]

For as long as I can remember, from time to time my son (5 later this year) he has made comments about wanting to be a girl. His comments are not about wanting to wear makeup or dresses (he does like to dress up as princesses but he also likes to dress up as Spiderman) but specifically about wanting to be a girl. I should also add that he doesn't say he IS a girl, he says he wants to be a girl.

Here are a few of the things he has said:

• he wants to feel a baby in his tummy
• he wants to be a mummy and a granny
• he wants to draw a line like I have so people will think he is a girl
• he will pretend to be a girl and nobody will know the truth that he is a boy

I have always been very clear with him that boys and girls can play with all toys, wear all things, do all activities so I don't think it comes from a place of feeling he would have to be a girl to undertake certain activities. I once mentioned it to his teacher and she suggested maybe it comes from a place of idolising me and wanting to be like me, which could explain some of it.

He only seems to talk about it with me (although he does also generally always want to play female roles in games). He so far hasn't shown any aversion to his "boy" clothes and I would say that generally he plays "like a boy" although he always chooses female roles in his games.

I'm not pushing anything at all and I never have, I'll be honest and say that I hope he isn't trans, only because it will of course add obstacles that otherwise he wouldn't have to deal with. However I will love him to his core whoever he turns out to be and will have his back every step. Currently I'm just listening and making sure he knows he will always be loved. I've always allowed him to explore any type of play/dress up but I'm starting to feel more and more anxiety that something I do, or something I don't do, is going to push him down one path or another which may not end up being the right one. I'm also nervous that with going to school this year he may begin to be exposed to talk of being trans and that this could, rather than reassuring him, confuse him more.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Eugh thank you so much for sharing your experience this is honestly exactly what I needed to hear 🩷 I really appreciate you sharing x

I used to believe, hand on heart, with all of my soul, that I would grow up to be Cher. My mom says my Cher obsession dominated years of my childhood. Sad reality is I can't sing, not even a lottle bit, I'm mixed race, and basically, nothing like Cher 😅 he will be okay!

Who are his male role models? If he's surrounded by females, and clearly adores you, perhaps that is influencing his thoughts?

My 4 year old son wants to be a ninja turtle. I don’t take him seriously because he’s 4.

I know a boy who now identifies as a girl, he was 4 when it all came about and he came back to school as a girl. He has a girls name, wears girls clothes and identifies as a girl. He's 7 now

does he play with babies/dollies/teddies?
have a toy pram?

OP, you're doing all the right things already.

The worst thing you can do is worry and overthink this and make it into a big deal.

It's more common than you'd think for kids to say things like this at a young age.

Just carry on doing what you're doing.

You won't know whether it's really more of a thing until he is much older, and if it is, I'm sure you will support him unconditionally just as you are already doing. You sound like a great parent.

My honest thoughts on reading this is that your son really loves you so is expressing a desire to be like you. This is how children learn, develop and play. They model themselves on the people they love the most and copy them. playing at ‘being them’ is part of normal development and exploring the world for children. This is completely normal.

When I was a kid all my best friends were boys. I didn't do dolls, or pink, or any of the stereotypical girly things. I liked cars, trains, football, being outside etc. I remember saying to my mum once maybe I should have been a boy (I think after a particularly difficult day with the girls at school) and she said but you are a girl, you can't be a boy, but it doesn't matter that you prefer the boys and their games. That was the end of it, hearing from my mum that it didn't matter what I liked made me feel better. I've wobbled over the years occasionally, wondering why I'm not great at being a "girl" but always remember "it's ok to like what you like".

Still do generally get on better with men than women in fairness. Find them a bit easier. Still like cars and watching sport. I'm definitely a woman, I'm a mum and a wife. And DD likes pink AND cars. And she wants to be Spiderman. Or Moana. Or Maui. Depends on the day.

At this age I'd shut it down when he mentions it, tell him he's a boy and that's that. If as he grows up it's becoming more and more apparent he wants to be a girl you'll know that it was really his decision and you won't have encouraged it in any way.

Thank you so, so much for this 🩷

DS used to make similar comments around that age.

I think it was because he had a strong preference for me over his Dad and generally liked women more than men (e.g. preferred Granny to Grandad).

A few years later he says that being a boy is best because girls cannot pee standing up and likes to play with the boys at school rather than girls because the boys like talking about poo more.

I think it's quite natural and this whole trans thing has unfortunately got some people muddled up and trying to affirm (very wrongly IMO) and others panicking.

Aw I do. I tell him he is a boy, he can dress up as Cinderella if he wants but he is a boy.

This is so lovely thank you x

This is really cruel. That poor boy. Only seven and all the adults around him are trapping him into an identity based on a very new adult ideology. He can never become a girl. Talk about setting a child up to fail. If’s cruel.

This is completely within the range of developmentally normal and speaks absolutely nothing to whether your son will grow up and experience gender dysphoria or otherwise want to try to present as a woman as an adult. Well-meaning people will suggest it may mean he'll be gay, but it doesn't mean that either.

Children experiment with the idea of being things or people they're not and are still developing their understanding of the limits of reality.

Kindly holding the boundaries of that reality is precisely right. I would also say (though I'm sure you are) to be careful not to react as though this is any more of a big deal than if he were saying he's going to grow up to pretend to be a cat, and noone will know. Once you've explained reality to him, as you have, a breezy laugh and, "well, I don't think so but I suppose we'll see! What are we having for dinner?" will do most of the time! Otherwise the reaction becomes incentive for keeping it up - purely because it's interesting to them and they want to push at that reaction to see what it's about.

I also agree that this sort of thing often pops up because the child wants to be like someone they love (see also little girls wanting to pee standing up!) and I think it's particularly telling that it only really comes up with you, suggesting it's very much, "I want to be like you / do what you do!"

He's growing up in a context of the fraught trans issue about which he knows nothing but which unfortunately may cause the well-meaning adults around him to visit adult concepts upon his ordinary childish phase and pathologise it in a way they wouldn't any other magical thinking.

I'd try to resist that impulse, which it sounds like you're doing! Good luck. Seriously don't worry.

Editing to say that if this is in fact a bid for closeness with you, it might also be worth bearing in mind and addressing that when he expresses these things. So some sort of loving comment about how much you love spending time with him, how special he is (only child? Only son? Something that reinforced his unique ties to you) and how cool it is that you can compare all the ways you're similar as well as different etc." Just a thought!

Yes this is what was going to say.

His actions are completely normal and age appropriate but that doesn't mean that someone else won't be reading things into the behaviour and making it a bigger deal then it is.

There are stories about parents 'supporting' 4/5 year old 'trans' children where the parents seems to be the driving force and the child doesn't seem.that bothered away from that parent.

Schools too have been criticised for using the affirmation model rather then watchful waiting without informing the parents. I hope it's nothing but might be worth keeping an eye on.

He sounds wonderful btw 😍

At a similar age, my nephew was inconsolable when my sister told him he'd grow up to be a man and a daddy. He wanted to grow up to be a woman/mummy like my sister. He's 21 now and very happy as a man.

My other nephew often talked about chopping his willy off. He's now 19 and also happily male.

Beautifully put.

This is very normal, OP. My son said similar at the same age. He then elaborated and said that when he grew up he wanted to be a mummy. I asked “A mummy?” and he said, “Yes, a mummy like you”. So I totally agree with PPs that this is just a stage where a child focuses on people they like or admire close to them and ‘want to be like them’.

I gently explained to my son that he was a boy and boys couldn’t grow up to be mummies, only girls, and then moved on. He mentioned it a few more times but gradually stopped mentioning it at all.

I've had a degree of this with both my kids, although in slightly different ways.

We live in a time where regressive gender stereotyping is popular again and kids who aren't 100% mini footballer or princess stand out. I was raised by somewhat alternative parents and it was natural for me to allow my own children similar freedom but I have been shocked at the level of gender stereotype policing by primary age kids. "You must be a girl because your shoes are purple" or "you can't wear those shoes because you're a boy".

One of mine also passionately wished he could be a mummy when he grew up. That's laughable when I look at him now (in secondary school). He is likely gay however.

The biographies of adult transexuals describe homophobic, deeply sexist upbringings, sometimes abuse. Many younger people have trans identities because the idea has become a mainstream trend that is reflective of our still sexist, homophobic society.

All the children I know who have adopted a trans identity were gay and/ or autistic or had a history of abuse. Primary aged children are trans simply because their parents believe that trans is an inherent aspect to a personality rather than a reflection of our society.

I would prefer to fight for a society without homophobia and sexism, and mitigate the homophobia and sexism my own children are exposed to, than have my children feel they need to alter their bodies to fit their personalities.

At 5 I desperately wanted a penis. I thought it would be fun to have a little tube sticking out of me like boys had. I would refuse to sit down to pee and get into trouble for making a mess. I remember all of this clearly.

DD is 6 and thinks that when she grows up she’s going to get married to me. I don’t bother explaining that this can’t happen because I remember thinking I’d like to marry my mum at that age! Just let him be, young children don’t understand yet what is and is not possible, but they learn in time.

This is something I've been thinking about. He has fantastic male role models in real life, more so than women, however I keep thinking about how in most of the things, I'm not seeing that much positive masculine representation! Especially in books.

Thank you for sharing this. It is hard to know what to do at such a young age. He hasn't expressed any desire to reject his "boy" clothes or change his name so far. Will continue to listen to him x