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Original poster

Son, age 4, consistently says he wants to be a girl

110 replies

aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:09

For as long as I can remember, from time to time my son (5 later this year) he has made comments about wanting to be a girl. His comments are not about wanting to wear makeup or dresses (he does like to dress up as princesses but he also likes to dress up as Spiderman) but specifically about wanting to be a girl. I should also add that he doesn't say he IS a girl, he says he wants to be a girl.

Here are a few of the things he has said:

  • he wants to feel a baby in his tummy
  • he wants to be a mummy and a granny
  • he wants to draw a line like I have so people will think he is a girl
  • he will pretend to be a girl and nobody will know the truth that he is a boy

I have always been very clear with him that boys and girls can play with all toys, wear all things, do all activities so I don't think it comes from a place of feeling he would have to be a girl to undertake certain activities. I once mentioned it to his teacher and she suggested maybe it comes from a place of idolising me and wanting to be like me, which could explain some of it.

He only seems to talk about it with me (although he does also generally always want to play female roles in games). He so far hasn't shown any aversion to his "boy" clothes and I would say that generally he plays "like a boy" although he always chooses female roles in his games.

I'm not pushing anything at all and I never have, I'll be honest and say that I hope he isn't trans, only because it will of course add obstacles that otherwise he wouldn't have to deal with. However I will love him to his core whoever he turns out to be and will have his back every step. Currently I'm just listening and making sure he knows he will always be loved. I've always allowed him to explore any type of play/dress up but I'm starting to feel more and more anxiety that something I do, or something I don't do, is going to push him down one path or another which may not end up being the right one. I'm also nervous that with going to school this year he may begin to be exposed to talk of being trans and that this could, rather than reassuring him, confuse him more.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:32

Sodthesystem · 25/04/2025 20:30

I always wanted to be a boy. It was largely because boys in school were so mean about girls. Saying they were bitchy and gossipy.

It stated with that and the fact that I hated dresses and skirts.

Then in my teens I developed OCD that included tockophobia (obsessive fear about pregnancy, childbirth etc). I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. Boys were also now being leery and creepy. Which exasperated it further.

Being female just didn't feel safe. Or, like who I was.

So glad I wasn't born today or I'd grow up thinking I was trans.

I know boys can have similar trajectory.

I'd look to someone around him. Could even be a little playgroup friend saying 'boys are smelly/bad/mean'. Etc...

Something is making him feel it's not ok to be a boy

Edited

Thank you, this is really interesting and I'm sorry you went through that.

OP posts:
Thewholeplaceglitters · 25/04/2025 20:32

My ds was incredibly insistent that he was a dinosaur at 4.

Original poster
aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:34

TaupeMember · 25/04/2025 20:28

What a load of bs.

Parent him. Yes, he can wear whatever he wants, but should he? Dresses in our time and place = female. Why let him wear them in the first place? Why not just say no?

If you indulge this, and don't explain things to him, and instead let a 4 yea4 old lead the way, all kinds of madness lies ahead for you and him. Particularly with the crap he's gonna be exposed to online as he grows up.

It's your job to say no sometimes.

Yeah funnily enough I know all about saying no. We live in a firm household, with a mum and a dad all being very stereotypical. He knows nothing about transgenderism or drag or anything else.

I also know that telling a boy he can't wear a dress because that's only for girls is in no way going to help him stop wanting to be a girl.

OP posts:
WhatMe123 · 25/04/2025 20:35

@TaupeMember this is a very old fashioned attitude. Boys and girls don't have to follow society stereotypes, dd2 wanted wrestling figures for Christmas as the boys she plays with at nursery have them, she also asked Santa for a dolls pram. She's doing fine. I also remember my brother having a dolls pram when he was little, he's grown up just fine too

Original poster
aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:35

Thewholeplaceglitters · 25/04/2025 20:32

My ds was incredibly insistent that he was a dinosaur at 4.

Really?? Because that's really helpful to hear. My sister wanted to be a lamb when she was 3 but I felt like by nearly 5 that stuff had started to drop off. So that's a really helpful reply thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:36

itsgettingweird · 25/04/2025 20:32

He’s 4. At some point t he’ll want to be a cat, dog, superhero etc.

Children often want to be like people they idolise.

In fact I’m pretty sure humans do as nature. But he’s 4 so just says it how he’s thinking.

Thank you that's really helpful

OP posts:
JustAMum31 · 25/04/2025 20:37

@aviewoftrees I think you’re very much overthinking this to be honest OP. I have a 4.5 year old DS who for the last year has been obsessed with the idea of going back inside my tummy 🫠😂 it pops into his head and he randomly has a meltdown over the fact he can’t be a tiny baby and go back inside to see what it’s like 😂

He has also made reference to wishing he was a girl numerous times. And a builder. And a “tree cutter”. And a gymnast. And a mummy. And a daddy. And wishing he had girl hair. And wishing he had “dotty skin” (freckles). And wishing he was 9 - apparently 9 is a magical age 😂 he seems to think he’ll be able to do everything when he’s 9 😂 He pretends to have a baby in his tummy whenever he has a balloon too 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally I just let him be 4. I love that he has a wild imagination.

user1471538275 · 25/04/2025 20:37

@aviewoftrees I have had two children who have fully explored and challenged gender stereotypes as they grew.

Sometimes it felt a little uncomfortable and at certain ages we had to gently suggest that some clothes would not be right for that situation.

They had flights of fancy, dressed up and role played all sorts of characters and occupations. We only intervened when safety or common decency were in play.

They are pretty confident adults now, happy with who they are and the reality of their lives.

Young children can build complex worlds in their own minds where they explore all sorts of impossibilities.

TheAmpleBalonz · 25/04/2025 20:37

They don’t even fully understand sex until about 4 or 5. Don’t be ridiculous thinking about him being trans.

Original poster
aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:39

wendy1288 · 25/04/2025 20:23

No real advice but when I was young I used to always say I wanted to be a boy. I really wanted boy parts but also wanted big boobs. Can't remember what age I stopped saying it though so that's unhelpful. Try not to stress too much about it.

Thank you that's really helpful ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:39

user1471538275 · 25/04/2025 20:37

@aviewoftrees I have had two children who have fully explored and challenged gender stereotypes as they grew.

Sometimes it felt a little uncomfortable and at certain ages we had to gently suggest that some clothes would not be right for that situation.

They had flights of fancy, dressed up and role played all sorts of characters and occupations. We only intervened when safety or common decency were in play.

They are pretty confident adults now, happy with who they are and the reality of their lives.

Young children can build complex worlds in their own minds where they explore all sorts of impossibilities.

Eugh thank you this is exactly what I needed to read, thank you so much 🩷

OP posts:
Original poster
aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:40

JustAMum31 · 25/04/2025 20:37

@aviewoftrees I think you’re very much overthinking this to be honest OP. I have a 4.5 year old DS who for the last year has been obsessed with the idea of going back inside my tummy 🫠😂 it pops into his head and he randomly has a meltdown over the fact he can’t be a tiny baby and go back inside to see what it’s like 😂

He has also made reference to wishing he was a girl numerous times. And a builder. And a “tree cutter”. And a gymnast. And a mummy. And a daddy. And wishing he had girl hair. And wishing he had “dotty skin” (freckles). And wishing he was 9 - apparently 9 is a magical age 😂 he seems to think he’ll be able to do everything when he’s 9 😂 He pretends to have a baby in his tummy whenever he has a balloon too 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally I just let him be 4. I love that he has a wild imagination.

Hahaha thank you, this was the perfect reply.

(You'd never guess but I'm a chronic overthinker hahaha!)

OP posts:
Fluck · 25/04/2025 20:41

I know it’s different but my son is 4 and he said he wants me to be a boy. He asked can he cut off my hair to make me into a boy (he has blonde curly hair and is mistaken for a girl pretty much everyday). I’ve told him cutting my hair won’t turn me into a boy, I can’t be a boy because I’m a girl and I’m his mummy.

I think he’s idolising boys/men and that’s why. Could be your son is the other way wrong and nothing to do with trans etc. I think it’s likely he just wants to be like mummy!

Cheepcheepcheep · 25/04/2025 20:47

My 4yo is convinced she’s going to marry her 3yo brother when she grows up. Gets VERY upset when I suggest it doesn’t work like that. She’s not putting an adult spin on it, it’s very basic and pure. We read a lot into stuff because we’re putting an adult perspective onto a child’s experience.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 25/04/2025 20:49

Think mine was probably 6 before she stopped wanting to be a cat. Bit older and she wanted to be a dinosaur. She's now a teenager who is a normal girl. You really can relax, he does just want to be his hero - you

Original poster
aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:56

Fluck · 25/04/2025 20:41

I know it’s different but my son is 4 and he said he wants me to be a boy. He asked can he cut off my hair to make me into a boy (he has blonde curly hair and is mistaken for a girl pretty much everyday). I’ve told him cutting my hair won’t turn me into a boy, I can’t be a boy because I’m a girl and I’m his mummy.

I think he’s idolising boys/men and that’s why. Could be your son is the other way wrong and nothing to do with trans etc. I think it’s likely he just wants to be like mummy!

That's so interesting!! Thanks for sharing x

OP posts:
Original poster
aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:56

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 25/04/2025 20:49

Think mine was probably 6 before she stopped wanting to be a cat. Bit older and she wanted to be a dinosaur. She's now a teenager who is a normal girl. You really can relax, he does just want to be his hero - you

😭😭 this brought tears to my eyes, thank you

OP posts:
JustAMum31 · 25/04/2025 20:57

aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:40

Hahaha thank you, this was the perfect reply.

(You'd never guess but I'm a chronic overthinker hahaha!)

Show quote history

@aviewoftrees As am I, I can assure you! Over just about everything 😅😂
But sometimes kids really are just being kids. Just enjoy watching his imagination develop and watching him figure out the world.

Some of the things they come out with quite clearly can’t happen but at 4 I don’t think it needs to be turned into an issue. Shrug it off and wait for the next idea to arrive 😊
Im sure one day mine will figure out that it’s not really ideal for him to be going back inside my belly as a 75th centile 4.5yo 😂 He was 8lb 11oz when he came out the first time - that was enough 😂

Original poster
aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:57

Cheepcheepcheep · 25/04/2025 20:47

My 4yo is convinced she’s going to marry her 3yo brother when she grows up. Gets VERY upset when I suggest it doesn’t work like that. She’s not putting an adult spin on it, it’s very basic and pure. We read a lot into stuff because we’re putting an adult perspective onto a child’s experience.

That is a very good point. My son does also want to marry his sister but I'm not posting concerned about that! Thank you that's a really good way of looking at things.

OP posts:
Springadorable · 25/04/2025 20:58

TaupeMember · 25/04/2025 20:28

What a load of bs.

Parent him. Yes, he can wear whatever he wants, but should he? Dresses in our time and place = female. Why let him wear them in the first place? Why not just say no?

If you indulge this, and don't explain things to him, and instead let a 4 yea4 old lead the way, all kinds of madness lies ahead for you and him. Particularly with the crap he's gonna be exposed to online as he grows up.

It's your job to say no sometimes.

Because dresses are fun? My nearly four year old likes to wear a dress for spinning around in because it floofs out. It's not a big deal. He also wants to have a baby in his tummy but I've told him only women can do that. It's really not that hard to differentiate between what's possible (playing and having fun in a floaty dress) and what's not (growing and birthing a baby).

Original poster
aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:59

JustAMum31 · 25/04/2025 20:57

@aviewoftrees As am I, I can assure you! Over just about everything 😅😂
But sometimes kids really are just being kids. Just enjoy watching his imagination develop and watching him figure out the world.

Some of the things they come out with quite clearly can’t happen but at 4 I don’t think it needs to be turned into an issue. Shrug it off and wait for the next idea to arrive 😊
Im sure one day mine will figure out that it’s not really ideal for him to be going back inside my belly as a 75th centile 4.5yo 😂 He was 8lb 11oz when he came out the first time - that was enough 😂

Show quote history

Hahaha my wee boy was 10.5 lbs at birth and is now 25th centile! (He was a c section before you give me any credit haha)

OP posts:
JustAMum31 · 25/04/2025 21:03

aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:59

Hahaha my wee boy was 10.5 lbs at birth and is now 25th centile! (He was a c section before you give me any credit haha)

Show quote history

@aviewoftrees I’ve had abdominal surgery not related to childbirth. It was hellish and I only had to look after myself at the end of it - nevermind a baby! Anyone who goes through a c-section gets credit from me 🙌🏻

Original poster
aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 21:04

JustAMum31 · 25/04/2025 21:03

@aviewoftrees I’ve had abdominal surgery not related to childbirth. It was hellish and I only had to look after myself at the end of it - nevermind a baby! Anyone who goes through a c-section gets credit from me 🙌🏻

Show quote history

Wow that's really kind, thank you x

OP posts:
IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 25/04/2025 21:06

This reply has been deleted

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He could be superman. We don't know what magical technological advances will be made by the time he's older.

But I do think a clear "humans are humans, boys are boys, girls are girls and that's what we are, isn't a bad thing to say.

My DD is 3 and currently insisting that she's going to marry me. I just tell her that I'm married to Daddy and children can't marry parents, she asks why, I say cos we're your parents, sillybilly! She laughs and then we do it all again a day later.

Kids don't understand the world. We teach them.