Son, age 4, consistently says he wants to be a girl

[aviewoftrees]

For as long as I can remember, from time to time my son (5 later this year) he has made comments about wanting to be a girl. His comments are not about wanting to wear makeup or dresses (he does like to dress up as princesses but he also likes to dress up as Spiderman) but specifically about wanting to be a girl. I should also add that he doesn't say he IS a girl, he says he wants to be a girl.

Here are a few of the things he has said:

• he wants to feel a baby in his tummy
• he wants to be a mummy and a granny
• he wants to draw a line like I have so people will think he is a girl
• he will pretend to be a girl and nobody will know the truth that he is a boy

I have always been very clear with him that boys and girls can play with all toys, wear all things, do all activities so I don't think it comes from a place of feeling he would have to be a girl to undertake certain activities. I once mentioned it to his teacher and she suggested maybe it comes from a place of idolising me and wanting to be like me, which could explain some of it.

He only seems to talk about it with me (although he does also generally always want to play female roles in games). He so far hasn't shown any aversion to his "boy" clothes and I would say that generally he plays "like a boy" although he always chooses female roles in his games.

I'm not pushing anything at all and I never have, I'll be honest and say that I hope he isn't trans, only because it will of course add obstacles that otherwise he wouldn't have to deal with. However I will love him to his core whoever he turns out to be and will have his back every step. Currently I'm just listening and making sure he knows he will always be loved. I've always allowed him to explore any type of play/dress up but I'm starting to feel more and more anxiety that something I do, or something I don't do, is going to push him down one path or another which may not end up being the right one. I'm also nervous that with going to school this year he may begin to be exposed to talk of being trans and that this could, rather than reassuring him, confuse him more.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

I think you're overthinking it. My 4 year old son often calls girls and boys the wrong sex. He also says when he's older he's going to be a girl but it's clear he just doesn't understand what he's saying. If you spend a fair amount of time with him that would probably explain why he says those things.

My cousin wanted to be a boy for most of our childhoods, was a typical “tomboy”, she is now a straight woman with 4 kids and definitely doesn’t want to be a man.
My brother regularly said he was a dog at age 4/5, would walk around on all fours and bark at us 😂
My point is 4 year olds want all sorts of silly things, it doesn’t mean anything really just that they have active imaginations.
Keep reassuring your DS that he can do/like/wear anything he wants but he’ll never be able to grow a baby in his tummy because he’ll always be a boy

@aviewoftrees I was very much like this growing up from as early as I could talk until secondary school I was adamant I wanted to be a boy. I refused to wear my hair down and only would wear “boy” clothes, I hated being called “She” and would want to be referred to as a boy. As soon as I went into year 7 it flipped like a switch and I became very girly.

Im now married to a man, im a mum and very definitely don’t want to be a boy! it does scare me what it’s like for kids in 2025 as it all just feels like a minefield.

My advice is just don’t pay it too much attention, i think I stopped because it was almost like an imaginary game in my head until i grew up and became more aware just before puberty. Good luck and try not to worry ❤️

A boy who was friends with my DD at nursery, wanted a Barbie doll because she has better clothes than Action Man

Last week my dgd 4 said she wants to be a sheep when she grows up.

I mostly agree with the other posters - kids are weird and say crazy things as their imagination develops.

However You’re right about this being quite specific. I would just have a good think about where he could be getting these ides / phrases. Does he go to older cousins or anything? Or watch tv / YouTube? Have a family member who talks badly of boys / stereotypes about them being noisy or whatever.
Just be aware of what he is being exposed to in case there is someone or something planting ideas.

One of our 4 year olds wants to be a firefighter this week, I better go get a job application for him 🙄🤣

He is only tiny, don't take it too seriously, carry on telling him he can do/wear/be whatever irrespective of sex but his body won't change.

My niece wanted to be a boy from nursery age, right up to sometime in secondary. She was a tomboy who was tall, muscular and great at football and swimming. She's now in her 30s, a mum of two and is in a very normal heterosexual relationship

My daughter spent two years as a horse and my son spent three years as a dog. I really wouldn’t worry about it. He’s only 5

Most mornings my 4 year old is an animal. He's been a meerkat for a week. Before that a frog. Their imaginations at this age are incredible and they are constantly learning about how the world works and their place in it. He said the other day 'I'm a meerkat but when I'm older I'm going to be a gentleman and a gran'. So I wouldn't worry at this stage, enjoy the 4 year old he is.

You’re being silly. He’s a child.

My dd wanted to be a dog aged 2 to 5, on and off. Whole months would go by where she would insist she wanted to eat from a bowl and try and “lap” her glass of milk. She chose a dog name. She wanted a clip on tail and was delighted when she found one at a zoo (I did buy it!). She told me “one bark for yes, two for no”. She used a dressing gown cord for a lead and asked me to take her for walkies round the house. I can’t tell you how tiresome this obsession was sometimes and I was astonished how long she kept up the pretence. At no stage did I worry this weirdness would stick permanently. Some kids live entirely in their imaginations.

She is now 14 and has no desire to be a dog/ furry and is entirely clear that she is a woman.

I will also add that my dd and my ds also wanted babies - perhaps not articulated as well as your ds. It’s normal to be curious about how babies are made - it’s miraculous and weird! My ds has told loads of people I’m pregnant when I’m not - highly awkward but he was in love with the idea i would produce another baby (I will not). I explained it’s impossible for him to be pregnant but when he’s grown up he can be a daddy. Just keep reiterating the message!

A friend’s son spent many years saying similar. At 9 he has now stopped

as others have said I think it can often be a phase like wanting to be a dog cat or horse

My son said the exact same thing at the same age! He was trying to tell us he wanted a baby sister but didn't understand how it happened.

He is 21, heterosexual and getting married to a woman.

He also has a sister who is 16, so he got his wish! I explained where baby sisters come from and he was happy.

This.
Tell him he can’t be a girl, or a banana, or a penguin and introduce some reality into his life.

I had this with my daughter but she was in her early teens. The thing I found most helpful, apart from doing what you’ve done, which is to say ‘your body isn’t made that way’ is to say ‘why?’ - so when he says he wants to grow a baby, be curious as to why he wants to do that - not in a big way, but just kind of ‘oh, ok. Why’s that then?’ Conversationally. You might find it’s because he wants to be like you or something? Kids have lots of quirky notions at that age and I think the idea that we should tell our kids they have the wrong bodies is appalling. A friends son went through the same thing at the same age - he’s autistic as well - and insisted on wearing dresses, growing his hair etc. friend was neutral but didn’t affirm, was just low key about it but clear the body he has is the right one for him, and he grew out of it, eventually. Best of luck op and don’t panic.

There is something about being a girl that strikes him as being better than being a boy. Maybe if you could identify what it is. I wanted to be a boy when I was his age, boys were allowed to do a lot more than girls

When I was 7 I wanted to a mermaid so much it actually hurt - like I was twisted in knots and a rather consumed by it

Genuinely zero chance of any of these. He has been saying it since he was 2 and at that point, thanks to covid, we were literally the only people he spent time with. His dad is a masculine man, a really great strong male role model. There is nobody "woke" in our circle of friends. His friends at playgroup are all rough and tumble boys. He has never watched YouTube, we supervise his telly and he has no access to screens when we aren't present.

Yeah this is a good point too. He does like Disney princesses but he started saying it before he'd seen anything like that. The only specific thing he has said is that he wants to feel a baby in his belly, which I've told him he won't ever be able to x

Thank you this is really helpful. I've sometimes wondered if my son could be on the autistic spectrum as he experiences spells of rage. But then I was worried that the rage could be coming from a place of not feeling he was who he should be, I just know so little about that world!

Well he can’t do any of those things, because he’s a boy. He clearly idolises you so just maintain your close relationship and this will pass

THIS is going to be my mantra. That whole comment x

I’ve posted this before but I got into the famous 5 in primary school and loved George (a female character who wants to be a boy). I got my mum to get me a short back and sides haircut, wore only boys clothes and loved being mistaken for a boy all the time. This lasted for years from about 5-10.

It was nothing to do with my body but more about wanting to do stereotypically boy activities like climbing trees and playing football - I wasn’t into Barbies or dressing up/playing house. My parents indulged me but it wasn’t a big deal.

Im a heterosexual adult woman with 2 kids very proud to be a woman now.