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Original poster

Son, age 4, consistently says he wants to be a girl

110 replies

aviewoftrees · 25/04/2025 20:09

For as long as I can remember, from time to time my son (5 later this year) he has made comments about wanting to be a girl. His comments are not about wanting to wear makeup or dresses (he does like to dress up as princesses but he also likes to dress up as Spiderman) but specifically about wanting to be a girl. I should also add that he doesn't say he IS a girl, he says he wants to be a girl.

Here are a few of the things he has said:

  • he wants to feel a baby in his tummy
  • he wants to be a mummy and a granny
  • he wants to draw a line like I have so people will think he is a girl
  • he will pretend to be a girl and nobody will know the truth that he is a boy

I have always been very clear with him that boys and girls can play with all toys, wear all things, do all activities so I don't think it comes from a place of feeling he would have to be a girl to undertake certain activities. I once mentioned it to his teacher and she suggested maybe it comes from a place of idolising me and wanting to be like me, which could explain some of it.

He only seems to talk about it with me (although he does also generally always want to play female roles in games). He so far hasn't shown any aversion to his "boy" clothes and I would say that generally he plays "like a boy" although he always chooses female roles in his games.

I'm not pushing anything at all and I never have, I'll be honest and say that I hope he isn't trans, only because it will of course add obstacles that otherwise he wouldn't have to deal with. However I will love him to his core whoever he turns out to be and will have his back every step. Currently I'm just listening and making sure he knows he will always be loved. I've always allowed him to explore any type of play/dress up but I'm starting to feel more and more anxiety that something I do, or something I don't do, is going to push him down one path or another which may not end up being the right one. I'm also nervous that with going to school this year he may begin to be exposed to talk of being trans and that this could, rather than reassuring him, confuse him more.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
aviewoftrees · 26/04/2025 13:32

OuterSpaceCadet · 26/04/2025 07:55

I've had a degree of this with both my kids, although in slightly different ways.

We live in a time where regressive gender stereotyping is popular again and kids who aren't 100% mini footballer or princess stand out. I was raised by somewhat alternative parents and it was natural for me to allow my own children similar freedom but I have been shocked at the level of gender stereotype policing by primary age kids. "You must be a girl because your shoes are purple" or "you can't wear those shoes because you're a boy".

One of mine also passionately wished he could be a mummy when he grew up. That's laughable when I look at him now (in secondary school). He is likely gay however.

The biographies of adult transexuals describe homophobic, deeply sexist upbringings, sometimes abuse. Many younger people have trans identities because the idea has become a mainstream trend that is reflective of our still sexist, homophobic society.

All the children I know who have adopted a trans identity were gay and/ or autistic or had a history of abuse. Primary aged children are trans simply because their parents believe that trans is an inherent aspect to a personality rather than a reflection of our society.

I would prefer to fight for a society without homophobia and sexism, and mitigate the homophobia and sexism my own children are exposed to, than have my children feel they need to alter their bodies to fit their personalities.

See this thing about regressive gender stereotyping is what I assumed a lot of the children changing gender was about. But in my son's case he has always, always been allowed to play with whichever toys he wanted and play dress up how he wanted. When a dress is available for dress up, he will choose it, but the toys he chooses are almost always "boy" toys.

OP posts:
BiologicalRobot · 26/04/2025 14:25

Wow, I can't believe I got deleted for saying he can't change sex or into a different animal. Lots of kids want to be a cat or a dog or whatever but as parents we have to manage those expectations and steer them back to reality, albeit gently.

I guess I upset all those people who thought they actually were Superman 😱

IWishIWasABaller · 26/04/2025 14:28

At that age my son was obsessed with Thomas the tank engine and wanted to be a train when he grew up. We used to just say oh ya that's nice and change the subject . He grew out of it very quickly no big deal

NoBots · 26/04/2025 14:32

I wonder what would you reply to his comments, particularly "he wants to feel a baby in his tummy" and "he wants to be a mummy and a granny"?

Stardust286 · 26/04/2025 16:36

aviewoftrees · 26/04/2025 13:30

Thank you for sharing this. It is hard to know what to do at such a young age. He hasn't expressed any desire to reject his "boy" clothes or change his name so far. Will continue to listen to him x

Show quote history

The family got advice from Barnados so that could be an option for you if you feel like you need advice

BreatheAndFocus · 26/04/2025 16:47

aviewoftrees · 26/04/2025 13:32

See this thing about regressive gender stereotyping is what I assumed a lot of the children changing gender was about. But in my son's case he has always, always been allowed to play with whichever toys he wanted and play dress up how he wanted. When a dress is available for dress up, he will choose it, but the toys he chooses are almost always "boy" toys.

Show quote history

He’s going through a pretty common stage, OP. As said, many children go through this. It’s part of maturing and brain development. There will be other stages later in their childhood too. Not necessarily to do with gender, but preferences, career hopes, friends, etc, etc.

Re regressive gender stereotypes, many (most?) children pick these up from outside the house unfortunately. A big one is starting nursery. Young children can exhibit quite strict and basic ideas about gender. There’s a fascinating video on YouTube showing this that I think I linked to once. A young child is shown a girl doll and a boy doll and correctly identifies them as such. Then the girl doll’s handbag is moved to the boy doll and the child is asked which the girl doll is. Until a certain age they’ll point to the boy doll with the handbag, but a year or two later they won’t do that and will point to the girl doll, understanding the boy doll is still a boy even if he has a handbag. I found it fascinating.

Of course, older children pick up gender stereotypes from society and their peers. It only takes one child with conservative parents to point and laugh at a boy wearing a pink t shirt, and then many of the other children will be cowed into following stereotypes. This is why it’s important to persist with telling your son girls and boys can wear what they want; there are no ‘boy colours’; no ‘boy toys’; no ‘boy jobs’, etc.

Please don’t worry about this stage. Just be low key and factual and you’ll find this is all forgotten soon.

Original poster
aviewoftrees · 26/04/2025 16:47

NoBots · 26/04/2025 14:32

I wonder what would you reply to his comments, particularly "he wants to feel a baby in his tummy" and "he wants to be a mummy and a granny"?

When he said about being a granny it caught me off guard I said "you mean a grandad". When he has said about wanting to mummy I've either asked why or I've explained why being a daddy is great. And when he said about wanting a baby in his tummy I've told him that will never be possible x

OP posts:
Original poster
aviewoftrees · 26/04/2025 16:49

BreatheAndFocus · 26/04/2025 16:47

He’s going through a pretty common stage, OP. As said, many children go through this. It’s part of maturing and brain development. There will be other stages later in their childhood too. Not necessarily to do with gender, but preferences, career hopes, friends, etc, etc.

Re regressive gender stereotypes, many (most?) children pick these up from outside the house unfortunately. A big one is starting nursery. Young children can exhibit quite strict and basic ideas about gender. There’s a fascinating video on YouTube showing this that I think I linked to once. A young child is shown a girl doll and a boy doll and correctly identifies them as such. Then the girl doll’s handbag is moved to the boy doll and the child is asked which the girl doll is. Until a certain age they’ll point to the boy doll with the handbag, but a year or two later they won’t do that and will point to the girl doll, understanding the boy doll is still a boy even if he has a handbag. I found it fascinating.

Of course, older children pick up gender stereotypes from society and their peers. It only takes one child with conservative parents to point and laugh at a boy wearing a pink t shirt, and then many of the other children will be cowed into following stereotypes. This is why it’s important to persist with telling your son girls and boys can wear what they want; there are no ‘boy colours’; no ‘boy toys’; no ‘boy jobs’, etc.

Please don’t worry about this stage. Just be low key and factual and you’ll find this is all forgotten soon.

Show quote history

Thank you that's really helpful :)

OP posts:
Cassthehotwaterbottle · 26/04/2025 16:57

It's a normal developmental stage to become aware of your sex and its difference from either your mother or father (or whomever your caregivers are). It's understandably a shock if he's loved, admired and identified with you then realised he can't be lile you in the very aspect that defines the relationship and connection between you.

Most misogyny and many of the world's evils might well be rooted in the resulting envy that many males feel as a result!

Thankfully, plenty of males are lovely and I'm sure your lovely son can find ways to come to terms with not being able to bear children. Has he positive models of fatherhood (books , tv, toys, and other males in his life as well as his dad if he has his dad there)? If so, those could be nurtured and built upon to show him he can do very similar things when he grows up if he wants to.

ApricotCityLimits · 26/04/2025 17:13

I always wanted to piss standing up.

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