I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

The solutions do exist but they are lengthy processes - e.g. social care assessment, EHC needs assessment. It's not clear whether the OP has tried these processes

Think about the child on this. What an awful, traumatic thing to do. It doesn't meant the child would get any better day to day care.

Sorry, while I was typing the school question was answered.

Housing. If you separated from your partner you would be entitled to housing. This would most likely be temporary accomodation in the first instance but would provide safety for you and your other child. I think it would only become fraudulent if you and your partner then started to share/swap the second accommodation.

Yes PDA or ODD have crossed my mind in the past.
I've no idea who diagnoses these.
But when he had his ADHD diagnoses there was no mention of these at all but we had shown her photos of his distraction of the home.
But as mentioned before she was absolutely bananas and gave me misinformation about medicating.

Nothing helpful to add but sorry you are getting a hard time on here. Your situation sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Is going overseas an option, as one pp said?

Can you get some camping equipment on Freecycle or the like and perhaps at least get some respite by taking your younger son to a quiet country area? Then switch with your husband? I know that's all easier said than done.

Good luck; keep us posted.

They will ask the parent what steps THEY have taken to protect THEIR child. I.e parents living separately with one child each or the younger sibling staying with a friend /family.

So what "consequences" do you suggest for a boy who smashes windows and tries to stab his own father?

Another option- is your youngest at school/nursery/under a health visitor? You could give evidence of him being at risk from your eldest. There would then be a duty of care to protect him.

Why is everyone saying to get DS assessed for other things? She is trying to, she is on the waiting list for CAHMS but she can't make that process any quicker.

It's entirely possible he has any number of different NDs, he could have all of them, he could have none and it turns out he's a complete rarity amongst all other humans, but the OP won't know that until the assessment date comes through, takes place and she is given the results.

In the meantime she has a child who is adult size and strength and terrorising the rest of the family and she's trying to find a way to give her younger son a safe and comfortable place to live without fear of his brother.

I really feel for you OP - I can only imagine how upsetting and terrifying his outbursts are to your younger child.

Next time he is in one of these outbursts, please contact your CAMHS crisis team - with your previous link about the closed practice, I've assumed you're in Brighton so have found this link - Crisis Team

I don't think it's the police you need, but an emergency CAMHS assessment. This would push you up the list for assessments.

He needs to be a in a secure facility, where he won’t harm himself or others.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM
Loads of people have asked but you do not seem to have replied. Have you or are you in the process of an EHCP as you said he does not have one?

The EHCNA on its own will identify his needs and give you a idea of what he is struggling with and make provision in a legally binding plan that has to be provided. It also opens up the SEND social worker route that clearly you need access too.

It will give you the chance to find a school that can meet his needs as clearly his current school can not do if he is only attending two sessions a week!

Where is he during the day if he is not at school as you say and you partner work full time? Like others have suggested maybe a PRU is needed. Again a EHCP will help with this.

It's crap advice because it is not what happens.

Yes, you will get told to go home. Its more likely that your solution will lead to abandonment charges than a foster placement.

There are not enough Foster placements and even less suitable for violent children. Even if you do make it onto a Foster placement list there is no guarantee one will come up, (side eyes DS)

Essentially the OP needs to do 3 things

See if medication will help
Get her child into a specialist residential placement
Remind SS of their legal safeguarding responsibilities. Taking them to judicial review if necessary

The whole thing is easier if you have money. If you are entitled to legal aid that also helps

All the police can do is criminalise him . Deal with him for the offences . That the police remit - and can make a referral to social care but do you actually want to criminalise him ?

I did answer.

I said I have applied for an EHCP.
He was denied, I'm currently waiting for a mediation certificate and I'm paying someone £80 an hour to help us appeal (she has 100% success rate so far).

An EHCP won't stop him trying to kill us at 1am though.

And many people on here tell me that it's not worth the paper it's written on. Which is to depressing to contemplate.

If you and your husband can live separately this would be a far better solution than trying to get him into foster care.
I know from professional experience it will be very hard to get social services to agree to accommodate him. They would expect you to try everything before doing that. I have actually recommended that parents live separately rather than accommodating a teenager and this worked quite well. At his age and with his issues he would end up in a children's home. It would be awful for him.

They are hard diagnosis to get to be honest but their are strategies to managing them. Join a Facebook group called autism inclusivity and search for the tearms you want info on.
To me it sounds like your son is totally overwhelmed, in a school where he is getting zero support. I think fixing that and adding in medication will be a huge step towards defusing this situation.

You havevto protect your 4 year old. Have you looked into residential?

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia
Well first of all- I'd take responsibility for safeguarding my own home. I.e lock away all knives / tools.

Then have normal consequences - no game time, no treats etc

Separately to the EHCP process, if DS isn’t attending school you can force (via judicial review if necessary) the LA to provide provision under s.19 of the Education Act 1996.

A good EHCP absolutely is worth the paper it is written on, you may have to appeal to ensure it is good though.

If children’s services have refused an assessment or support following an assessment have you had an independent review and looked at whether JR is possible for social care support?

Yes you can rent a house doesn’t matter if you have your name on the mortgage.
I think this is a great idea for your sanity and to protect the younger child .
Im so sorry for you . I know a women who dealt with stuff similar police involvement her son went to full time respite she also had other kids and a husband .
The police are letting you down .
Get out as soon as Possible.
Is your husband ok with this idea ?

If you are paying someone that money to appeal a refusal to assess than I would suggest that is a waste of money because nearly all of those types of appeals are successful. And, given what you have set out with your child not accessing education, that will be 100% the case for you. The charities that I mentioned in an earlier post would be able to help you for no or much less money.

Ehcps can help a great deal if you get the appropriate provision which relies on detailed accurate and comprehensive reports. Which you will need to organise rather than relying on LA reports.

Hi OP, I know you said you are on waiting list for Camhs, I wasn't sure if you said you'd had initial appointment for Camhs or if it was for the ADHD assessment. We found with Camhs that you had the Camhs initial assessment then you have a wait to be allocated a case manager and then another wait for psychiatrist so we asked at the initial assessment if he could be put straight on waiting list for psychiatrist to try and cut off some of the time. It's awful when you are desperate for help and you're just stuck in limbo.

I'm Both a police officer and a special needs parent (child with autism)

So many people think the police have the answers- we don't

We can't stop the behaviour
We can't parent others children

We can prosecute them and get them into court, followed by young offenders, followed by ????

Yes they could lock him up for 24 hours - and then what op?

Totally agree.