I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

I would suggest immediately applying for a ehcp if you have not already. There are charities such as sossen and ipsea who can provide a lot of free/inexpensive help with the process including representation. Get professional reports from an OT, SaLT and EP - again there are charities that can contribute towards cost. Legal aid might be an option. And then seek an appropriate school. I would also really recommend getting the medication asap. If he has ADHD, he is unwell and not being treated. He may also have other difficulties. He needs help as do you, but try to see him as unwell not 'bad' and push for professionals to do the same. You have my sympathies

Hi OP.

I am very sorry about your situation. I really don't understand why people here are putting into question anything you are saying. It's desperate and I belive you. My opinion is that you need your son in meds ASAP, you need the medical care and I can't believe the NHS, SS etc they have all failed to provide you with the help you need.

The only idea I can add here is you look outside the UK. Look to see a private consultant in Spain. You can directly go and see a private one without referrals etc and will prescribe the meds he needs. You can look in the portal Top Doctors. They are all registered doctors and the consultation fee will be around 100 euros. If you can speak some Spanish that would help, otherwise you can ask for the appointment and send an email requesting if the doctor can speak English (sometimes this is specified in the portal). You will need to travel to Spain for the appointment and once he is on meds the follow up can be done virtually.

Access to medical care is really good in my country and I find that doctors generally are very proffesional and want to get to the bottom of the issue.
I don't live in the UK, but in Ireland and its pretty bad here too. I travel to Spain when I need medical care sorted ASAP.

Mind yourself and your mental health, wishing you the best. X

Please stop slagging SA as 'appalling' - the staff work under horrible stressful conditions. The workers themselves are not to blame - they can't give you what they don't have I.e no money, resources or time.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM , I’m sorry you are in such a horrible situation. There is some good advice here, when you have time to read them carefully hopefully you’ll be able to use some of it.

Im going to suggest your GP for you, not your DS. They may well sign you off work for a while. You are suffering from extreme stress. They may be able to offer you support, also check out Mind.

Is there anywhere at all you could go to stay for a few days with your younger son to give you a breather? A friend or relative maybe. Your idea of a separate living arrangement does sound like a good one if your DH can cope? How would work etc work if DS isn’t attending school?

I wish you well. I think many of the posters who were asking if a dual or more complex diagnosis might be a possibility were trying to be helpful rather than trying to trip you up but very understandably you may be in fight or flight mode and misunderstanding.

@HarrietStyles the parents could be charged for neglect /abandonment of the child.
This would be extremely damaging to the child.
And have you thought about what will happen next? The child goes somewhere
Unsuitable on an emergency and gets passed around available carers (available does not mean suitable). Social work can not hurry up medication. This is not good advice.

This sounds awful but what if you just presented at a police station/A&E/social services headquarters and left him there? Surely in those circumstances they’d have to accommodate him and it would maybe get the ball rolling for you in terms of the help you so desperately need? Medication can make a huge difference, I’ve seen it professionally and with a relatives child. I’d use any spare money to get a private diagnosis and access to medication.

Foster carers are just normal parents like you or me, not superhuman. Try filling out a referral form with all this on and see how many carers bite your arm off for a child who will damage their homes… I mean, on a serious note, some won’t even take kids who swear! They can pick the child that suits them because there are so few of them around, they get pick of the bunch. It’s a total nightmare for children and so many kids are waiting for decent care. SS are not going to place a child who has two parents who want to care for him unless it’s absolutely certainly necessary.

If they were charged with neglecting the child maybe they would then have access to support from social services which they aren’t getting at the moment!

He needs specialist support in a residential setting not a foster placement.

I'll preface this by saying I have two DC who are autistic/ADHD/PDA and I'm autistic and ADHD myself.

You are describing behaviours which are extremely severe, even considering the diagnosis of ADHD. Of course they can be absolutely attributable to your DS's neurodivergence, and that may be more than just ADHD, as PP have said possibly autism/PDA too.

However, I can't understand how a child with behaviours this severe has reached the age of 12 without an EHCP. He's only in school for two lessons a week. I was a SEN school governor and I have seen/helped with countless SEN pupils and there's no way an EHCP would be refused with the behaviour you describe - even taking into account the shitty system we all have to battle.

So my point is, why doesn't he have an EHCP yet?

Is it because his behaviour has deteriorated rapidly - and if so, what was the trigger? If he's been like this for a while and there's no particular deterioration, not getting an EHCP suggests that you need a bit more help navigating the system. You have clearly fought extremely hard but if you're not pushing in the right direction, you won't get results. That's why PP were asking you exactly what you had said to try and get your child fostered - because it may be a case that you're putting in a million per cent, but in the wrong direction.

Please take this in the spirit that this is intended, it's not a criticism. The system is woefully inadequate and our children suffer as a result. You have been fighting so hard and you're exhausted, understandably. And worried about your younger DC.

However, your older DC is deeply distressed, not naughty. They're not "tantrums" as you described them in a PP, they're proof that your child can't cope and needs help. Meds will help to clear his mind - ADHD is exhausting for the individual too. Your brain just doesn't stop or switch off, and it's constantly clamouring for attention. It's impossible to think straight sometimes, or to focus on what you want to do. If you can remember a time when you felt utterly overwhelmed, it's like that. But all of the time. People think ADHD is a trendy diagnosis, and can be parented away. Of course good parenting makes a big difference - and I'm going to assume that you're parenting properly, and in a way that's appropriate for a ND child. But you can be the best parent in the world - but if the ADHD symptoms are sufficiently severe, it won't be enough.

I think your child desperately needs meds and that should be your first urgent point of action. That will give you all a bit of breathing space and allow you to reassess how things are.

You're currently in crisis management - understandably. Don't do anything drastic yet because otherwise you'll just be left fire-fighting constantly and I think you'll all suffer more in the long-term. I would use the extra money you mention to get him seen by a new psych and prescribed meds urgently. The psych should also be able to give you an indication about whether there are other potential diagnoses complicating the presentation. Getting your child meds could be an absolute game-changer - how quickly do you think you could do that if you went private?

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM What have you done OP to pursue private diagnosis and medication since you last posted? I understand you had a family member who offered to pay. Why hasn’t this happened?

I have nothing useful to add but just wanted to say I really feel for you OP.

I’m supporting my friend through almost the exact situation and we are getting nowhere with any of the services no matter how much we shout, beg, plead for help.

I understand your frustration with people making out that it’s simply a case of demanding respite, foster care, meds, camhs appts, see your GP etc etc. I have no doubt that you’ve tried absolutely everything and are just facing brick walls. We have done exactly the same.

So no help from me I’m afraid but you are not alone in this, not that that’s any comfort I know. 💐

OP, ring social services and let them know you are dropping your kid at their doorstep today as you cannot longer cope.

That will help you to get some respite until they can put some help and measures in place.

As I mentioned up top, we had an initial assessment with ADHD360 this week.

You can do an advanced search but you can't RTFT?

OP, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this and I don't know how you've found the strength so far.

I'm saying this very gently and from a place of caring. I've got a fair amount of experience with ND children, including ADHD and I wouldn't say these behaviours are only caused by ADHD.

Is your son in school? How does he present there? If there are other ND causations they might add weight to your case and help get your son the support he needs and you deserve.

Also Social Services won't magic up a placement just because you're stood in front of them. They'll end up calling the police to have you removed.

Do not do this. This will cause harm to your child and you can be charged by police for abandonment. What a horrible horrible thing to do to a child.

People are suggesting that there many be other conditions that have been missed by the professionals , it's quite common. Things such as oppositional defiance disorder, pathological demand avoidance, autism or even mental heath issues. Exploring other co morbidities may help you and him.

I can not offer any practical advice but I saw something on social media about a family with 2 boys with autism who could not live together safely.

Mum and Dad lived separately with one boy each and swapped where they lived 50/50. School had been working on having the boys tolerate being in the same room as each other and they got the boys to a point where they spoke to each other which was big progress.

More detail is required for people to be able to help you. There are processes to get help whether through social care or special educational needs. From your posts, it is clear that you have raised your worries with people in those areas, but you have not said whether you have actually used those processes and what happened. For example, a parent can apply for a ehcp but have you done so?

How many times do we hear in the news of parents snapping and killing their own children. And people shouting - why didn’t they ask for help, hand them over to Social Services, what monsters those parents are.

What do you suggest this OP (and others in the same situation) does instead, what better solution do you have? What are people meant to do when they are about to snap and all the services are failing them?!

I absolutely would do this and I stand by it as good advice for a parent who is completely at the end if their tether and is being refused help. It could actually save children’s lives.

(OP no offence - I’m not saying that I think you will harm your child! Talking about cases in general)

Op, if you can afford to go private, do. Once he gets his turn with CAMHS and id diagnosed the NHS will take over the cost of his medicines.

I can assure you that going for a private assessment will be much cheaper in the long run and getting into trouble with the benefits office.

To answer your question, you would be able to get Universal credit as a household with just you and your son in if your salary alone makes you eligible for top up.

What you will find difficult is the housing element because you are named on your existing house/mortgage.

You need someone very well versed in benefits rules to look at that element but my basic understanding is that you probably wouldn't be eligible for housing element of universal credit so would need to be able to pay your rent and other bills with your salary and any top up.

OP wouldn't be with her DH any more, would she? DS1 has caused them to split up.

Please ignore the one idiot on this thread who is implying you are lying - the rest of us seem to be only too well aware that this is not in the least unlikely.

Could you tell us what stage you are at with the EHCP? Has the local authority agreed to assess, has it done assessments, has it told you whether it is going to issue an EHCP and produced a draft?

Also, has anyone done a care assessment? If not, you should write to the Social Services Children's department and make a formal request for an assessment under section 17 Children Act 1989. They have no choice but do one, and if they don't contact SOS SEN or specialist social care solicitors about sending a formal pre-action letter to persuade them to obey the law. Also ask them to do carers' assessment.

Separately from that, I would suggest you contact the Duty Social Worker and tell them your youngest child is in danger from the 12 year old, and indeed that the 12 year old is endangering himself and the rest of the family. Ask them what steps they can take urgently to protect the children. If they won't, keep escalating that to the head of department, your local councillors, your MP, and the council cabinet member with responsibility for children's services. If they still won't do anything, try solicitors specialising in this area who offer legal aid in your child's name, like Irwin Mitchell, Simpson Millar, Coram and Sinclairslaw.