I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

I think it suggest a comorbidity or that the child is either not having his needs met at home. Maybe even Borderline personality disorder, something other than just adhd. I work with autistic and adhd teens all day every day, the behaviour described is unncommonly violent.

That's not true though. She would have a separate household to her husband.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM no I haven’t done an advanced search, it’s hard to follow and understand your comments as you have had the majority of posts you are replying to deleted.
What exactly is the situation with ADHD360? Of course they have to do a full assessment, did you not expect this? Have you actually had the assessment? If so it could be just a matter of weeks before your child becomes very different.
Also I have no doubt you and your children are struggling enormously, and not getting the support you need. It certainly does not sound like a case of “bad parenting” or a “naughty child”. You must see though that some of this has bedd wen made worse by you delaying the new private assessment when it was very clearly needed?

I've no idea why people are being so horrible to you. Some people are really vicious.

On a practical level, if you and your husband live separately, which, by the way, I think is a very good idea, what would happen with your older son in the daytime? What happens now? Does your younger child go to school or nursery?

I had a brother like this, and I really would urge you to find a way of having your younger child live separately from him while things are so tough. It doesn't mean it's going to be permanent of course.

The poster who suggested you send your younger child to live with family is cruel and completely bonkers.

I've worked with ADHD children for years, along with an awaited diagnosis for my own son who is 7, and I would say there is an additional underlying issue here. I would perhaps be looking for a child therapist to help your son deal with his anger, especially while you wait for intervention from CAMHS. I understand it is a lengthy process.

I also understand you want him to be held accountable for his actions and rightly so, however I'm not sure by having him prosecuted, that that will help solve the initial problem. The way he's going he may end up in a youth detention centre. Is there no respite services you could utilise, with the help of social services?

It may seem to you that this next suggestion is a reward, but if he isn't doing so already, are there any clubs he can go to to perhaps burn out his energy and clear frustration? I hope the school psychologist are supporting you in some way. The CAMHS I did my placement with used to offer counselling for parents. Perhaps you could ask if they have, or are aware of similar services.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM
A poorly written one isn't worth the paper it is written one. But one that is SMART and without wooly wording and identifies all his needs in section B and provision makes in section F IS.

It will give you a chance to get him into a school that can meet his SEN which clearly is not happening so obviously his behaviour will not reflect him being happy as his needs are clearly not being met.

You need to fight for his rights I am afraid like most parents of SEND kids (really not trying to say you haven't at all its just most of us with SEN kids have been in your shoes and we know the ugly truth its nothing but a fight for everything) The bar is set so low with regards for a EHCNA is literally is the child MAY have SEN needs. Your child has a diagnosis of SEN and is has become so difficult for him he is not accessing education which the local authority HAVE to provide!

You do not NEED to pay anyone. Like others have suggested IPSEA and SOS SEN are great and can support you. I do not know you full circumstances however mediation is ually used by certain LA to delay the EHCNA assessment so you may be wasting more time with that.

I realise this information is not going to stop the immediate risks you and your family are facing but can your partner and child temporary stay with family until you have a EHCP and scho in place to meet childs needs?

I’m really sorry that you’re in this awful situation. It’s looks as though you’re hitting brick walls all the time. This may seem a bit drastic but have you rang the National Domestic Abuse helpline, you are being abused in your own home and it’s affecting your youngest child too, they may be able to offer temporary accommodation in one of their shelters until your 12 year old gets some help. They also may be able to advocate for you as you’re in a desperate situation, there’s no harm in having a chat with them and it’s good to have people on side who are not emotionally involved.

And what about what harm mentally that does to a child?

This is absolutely not the answer to a child who due a medical condition can not control his behaviour… this will only add unnecessary further trauma.

the op hasn’t had any comments deleted, MNHQ has done that.

stop being goady. Go find a better hobby.

"His crimes" - you're talking about a child with disabilities. What do you suggest, life imprisonment? Public flogging?

Social services can't require parents or families to split up as a condition of doing their jobs. They have ongoing duties under the Children Act and otherwise that are in no way conditional on this.

@Quiverer
No the law requires parents to be responsible for their children and safeguard them. So they should exercise this responsibility and not dump it on social work because they don't want to make a difficult choice for them. Selfish to dump him at social work- it's not for him it's for them.

Your son needs help asap . He probably can behave better with proper support and medication ( a friends son was exactly like that and has been on risperidone for a year and omg you would not believe it ) .
Yry calling an ambulance and police , that’s how my friend got help c the boy was taken to a&E and eventually emergency referral to child psychologist.
Massive hugs send your way

Also please remember your son is ill, he still needs love and still needs his mum

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM you are an NHS nurse is there any support you can get via work e.g. Benenden, charity, TU to get help to pay for a private diagnosis and medication?

To be clear to other posters I am not saying leverage being an NHS to queue jump but that as an employee there are benefits and services you can access.
A good example is that Civil Service Departments cannot offer private medical care as a benefit but we are offered to be members of Benenden for a monthly fee. Benenden will pay for diagnosis or initial consultation, which is what the op needs. I donate to the Charity for Civil Servants this helps fellow Civil Servants in times of need. My TU also offers benefits.

I know this isn’t going to help you right now, but I want you to know I hear you, and understand you. I’m not going to give you any advice, but I’ve been where you are and am now out the other side.

We did have to take the foster care route because the violence got too much. I was being hit, or kicked daily. I was pushed down the stairs and really hurt my knee (I’m overweight, so fell like a hippo). I struggled to stand for several weeks but during that time was knocked over and kicked in the bad knee. Another time I was knocked down by a dinner plate to the face, breaking my nose and glasses. My husband had teeth knocked out, and his head cut open

Foster care only lasted two weeks and then my child was put in care home after care home. I thought that was their future (not care homes, but basically state care or something). We kept in regular touch and visited when we could or were allowed.

My child left ‘care’ at 18, and was offered a room in the ymca, but was told they couldn’t get a job, or they’d have to pay rent - fair enough, but my child decided they’d rather get a job and rent privately. They had about £5k savings. This all went well, then lockdown happened, and their savings ran out so they came home. It was tentative at first - we were all very nervous, but it went well.

They're now 22, with a job they enjoy, living with a very nice partner, and doing an OU degree - something we never thought would happen, they have no qualifications as they didn’t really attend school once they were 13.

Like you OP, we were a normal family, and like you I tried everything, but I just want you to know it’s not forever, and if you ever want to PM me to rant, you’d be very welcome. I’ll never judge.

By the way, I posted about my child when we were going through this, and had abuse and bad advice too (different user name, completely different account)

A properly written ehcp can very much help at home, because if they are in an environment where they are properly supported and given the help they need it has a positive impact on every part of their life.

ds has had a very specific ehcp for a long time and thanks to the support he is in a much better place all around.

OP I am so sorry for the life you are currently living. I'm not surprised you are broken.

Since you asked, I would 100% put that 5% back payment towards a private diagnosis and medication. Because until your DS is being treated, you will not mentally well yourself. You are existing under huge pressure and you need some relief to be able to think straight or make rational plans.

Separating your family is a huge decision with long-lasting concequences. And whilst I get why your considering (and it may STILL turn out to be the answer), I wouldn't be making a move like that before trying meds. I get that you are hitting brick walls - the system is overwhelmed and broken - so at this point I would be throwing money at it.

Things will be immeasurably better once DS is being medicated.

Sending love

No - it really isn't. Please educate yourself on UC regulations if you're going to give incorrect advice.

Plenty of married people with 2 separate households and not providing financial assistance to each other claim separately for UC.

She could claim the housing element, because the house she owns is housing another child. If it were only housing her husband for example, she would have to show that steps were being made to sell the property in order for her to be eligible.

When myself & husband separated due to stress of a child with special needs & the complexities that come with autism I was told I couldn’t apply for UC/Housing costs help due to jointly owning a house with him. I had to either take my name of the mortgage/him buy me out or divorce. This was from UC themselves. If we were renting then I could move out & claim housing support on another house but not whilst my name was on a mortgage

But your circumstances are entirely different to the OPs. Her husband and other child would be living in the marital home, so therefore it wouldn't be taken into consideration for UC purposes. If it were just the husband, then yes you're correct.

Yes he is hugely overwhelmed by school. He's in constant fight or flight.
they scream in his face, which makes him combative.
It's a truly awful place for him.

But withdrawing him hasn't peeled him down from the ceiling.
We often find thought that his unwanted behaviours are much worse in the summer months.
It may be coincidence but it feels worse in the summer.

I can't help Op, but just wanted to send you a message of support. You should be getting help, it's terrible that you and your husband are in such an awful position.
Unfortunately your thread is coming up under "Trending". That seems to mean that a lot of people think it's OK to treat is as an AIBU and behave like complete arseholes. They need to look at which board you've posted on.

Spend the money on a private diagnosis.

You need to factor in private prescriptions until it switches to shared care but I think it could save your family and sanity.

Find a private psychiatrist that does all manner of evaluations tho, not only adhd.

Good luck.