I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

Who is looking after him during school hours if he only attends two sessions per week? If you both work full time? Are you in the process of a EHCP.

These do take forever to get but clearly he needs one especially as he is mostly not attending school due to behaviour. How far along are you in the process with this?

I didn't say the OP should commit fraud. I said she should split from her partner. As another poster says, don't give advice you're not qualified to give. I've got 20 years in the advice game and a slew of constantly updated qualifications - what's your pedigree?

You won't be. There's a great group on Facebook for Universal Credit questions and the admins know everything.
Please join and ask the question for some peace of mind. It's called Universal Credit & Legacy Benefit Advice.
Big hugs OP.

So any criminal with additional needs should be off the hook?

It's the people around this child who are most vulnerable - next time he could actually proceed to stabbing someone.

OP, I have no words of advice to offer, but please know that you have my support. This sounds unbearably tough. For this weekend, could you and your little one go to a hotel for a night, just to get some breathing space? Hotel room picnic and a movie night, just the two of you? Then next week, your husband does the same with him? I so hope you get the help you so clearly need and deserve.

Yep.I see similar threads
I think people imagine there are loads of lovely foster carers,or suitable residential school,s just waiting with open arms!
When the reality couldn't be further from the truth

Agree. My experience is similar to OP. Although behaviour not nearly so severe, it was bad enough to make family life almost intolerable. That was 30 years ago - and there was very little respite of any kind even then. Today it must be 10X harder to get any help.

OP, please consider having him put into care for the safety of the rest of the family.

I was in the same place as you a few months ago but difference is my Ds does have a diagnosis of Asd and adhd .

I had police involved . They referred us to early help .. who essentially didn’t come out if he was aggressive.
I myself went on anti depressants.

i am going on a course Nvr - there are you tube videos - I don’t know if it will help but certainly not relying on services.

previously before diagnosis the head of school called camhs stating there we’re safeguarding issues - the safeguarding seems to have been the key word for me.

I don’t have answers just want to let you know I get all these simple answers given aren’t as simple as someone finds out when navigating the system.

the fact you are 2 parents trying so hard means they won’t move Ds. I told the services how Ill it was making me — they told me that I shouldn’t make myself I’ll over it 🙄.

Has Camhs given you any time lines ?

My son was diagnosed privately and then prescribed meds via CAMHs. I asked ADHD360 about meds but they wanted to reassess so we didn't go with them as I couldn't ask school to fill out yet another form.

I agree with others than these extreme behaviours would make me think there could be other issues potentially at play. ODD/PDA/SPD. Is he affected by noise, light, texture at all? (If so read up on sensory diets). Triggered by demands or if you ask him to do stuff? (Read up on PDA). I'd be looking at reducing demands as far as possible and try to meet hidden sensory needs regardless. How's sleep?- if an issue you could ask the GP for melatonin. But I'd go after ADHD meds asap, throw money at it if possible.

Try to find a special interest of his where you can spend some positive time 1:1 even if only 5mins (even if it's watching his tv show together, or getting him to make decisions about what deserts to get).

Definitely split the siblings and divide the parenting where possible.

I think the medication aspect is key. It really will make a difference. Recently, in my profession I've seen a dramatic change in a child after getting medicated.
I would say that you wouldn't get UC for rent if you have a mortgaged house in your name. Sorry.

Sounds a lot like you’re dealing with much more than ADHD.

OP

Follow this advice. This is the one thing that will work if you are dogged enough.
For your sake, and your 4 year old's.

I’m sure you have but have you looked into PRUs for schooling? I know some people who have had children attend (no ehcp in at least one case) and have seen massive improvements across the board - home and school - because they are in a setting better suited to their needs.

Spend your money getting him private diagnosis and treatment until it's his turn on the NHS.
Me and DH spent our house deposit on private neurologist, psychologist and occupational therapy for our DS. You should not need to be desperate until NHS or social services help but it's what they do and you would be shocked at how supportive services are when you are a private patient.

There IS help, he CAN improve, it's just it will take money and if you have it coming use it for that.

Believe me, foster care is not a strong option, they get family involved to see who else could take him as a kinship carer because foster carers are so in demand there are few spaces

Splitting up your family and splitting assets to rent and have a mortgage, it's just not going to work

The police can't do much because He is young after all that social services and CAMHS should be taking lead but they are appalling services and we literally gave up on them and spent every penny we had saved or could borrow to improve our situation and it did improve with medication, anxiety sessions, A psychologist to work through trauma with DS and the family and basically the knowledge that DS was a victim of himself too

I’ve worked with a few children like this. One split two teachers faces open. It was not caused by parenting. The only thing that worked was an NHS ASD diagnosis from the Michael Rutter centre at the maudsley with clear perspective on what was needed. LA then provided residential schooling. This was jointly funded through children’s social care, education and health.

Looks like you’re on the south coast, there may be a similar service, though maidsley is gold standard. Maybe go and sit at your GP surgery OP and do not leave until they understand what is going on. Film what is happening so there’s evidence. Get a social worker, keep banging the drum, send the videos to SS. Diagnoses need to be through NHS for them to pay any attention, I wouldn’t bother going private, services often ignore paid for assessments (wrongly).

yes move out, it’s loving and protective to your youngest.

do you get any useful conversations with him when he’s not angry? Some of the kids I’ve worked with were very charming, it was extremely worrying.

i think that if @ADHDDDDDDDBOOM goes down that route SS will look to home the youngest child to protect them. It will be cheaper as no specialist provision will be needed
I could be wrong though

That’s fraud! If she’s still with her partner. She hasn’t said she’s splitting up with her husband. They are still together.
They just want two houses!

Hi Op

Judging by your dr location you are nearish to me
One of my good friends works as a social work manager for a local town beginning with W dealing with teenagers.

I will ask her if she can advise any sign posts where you can get help. You sound absolutely desperate.

@Hopelesscynic
If the CHILD needs consequences then PARENTS needs to put them in.
It's not the police's job to parent a child. And no, you don't want a child to fear the police - who will they go to for help?

Also- the police have no time for this. They're also massively overworked and underfunded.

My sibling gets benefits for her social housing whilst still being in a mortgage with her husband and she left for similar reasons, she couldn't keep the other children safe from a violent one but the difference is they also split up, after years of fighting for support and help getting nowhere at all, the marriage crumbled too. Their child is triggered by noise and being touched and with two younger siblings there's a lot of noise, she hurts herself a lot too and isn't attending school at the moment.

The moving out is all still pretty recent but the marriage had been incredibly strained for a long time and because toxic itself, divorce proceedings have started and she's trying to sort out getting herself removed from the mortgage and is seeking legal advice for that aspect.

So she has two children with her 12 out of 14 nights and her husband has the other one 12 out of 14 nights, the child with dad full time still has lots of problems but the violence is much less frequent because the noise has reduced a lot and the other two children with my sibling are thriving too because they aren't terrified and also there's no parents arguing all the time too.

The nights that dad has the two younger ones Mum has the other and that time is quality too. Both households are totally separate and the parents are not together and don't spend time overnight at each others homes and the mortgage was only taken out a year ago and neither want to be solely responsible for it and it's probably gonna revert back to the council. They're both low income and there was no other shared assets or savings to split which made it more straight forward too.

It sounds like you're wanting to remain with your husband and not actually split up, so keeping the family home and any other marital savings etc between you both? I don't think you could claim as a single parent while sharing assets and savings. You wouldn't be able ti say you're two single parents running your own homes if you're not actually splitting finances and spending a lot of time at the family house.

As a previous manager in child protection sw I would not take a child with these needs into care, a foster carer will not accept due to damage to the home. Would need a residential placement with this type of behaviour. Foster care is clearly not an option.

ss may recommend non-violent resistance programmes so go on one of these courses if available in your area - sounds more serious than deescalation though.

Yes, agreed. Speak to current school about him moving somewhere specially. They don't need to wait in a diagnosis.

Oh OP you sound at the end of your tether, I’m so sorry you are going through this nightmare. If SS won’t accept him for Foster care then you just have to force them. You take your son to the police station, GP, or A&E and tell them that you 100% cope with him, your mental health is broken and they must find foster care for him. Then you walk out and leave him with them. Go home and don’t answer your door. They HAVE to help him. Don’t back down. I know it’s horrible and will be scary for your son, but what other option do you have?

Rent out the house and use money to rent two smaller properties?

Hello OP,

We're sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

We can see you're getting some good support from other Mumsnetters but because you've mentioned that you're feeling very low we thought we might add a link to our Mental Health resources . You can also go to the Samaritans website, email them on [email protected], or call them, any time, on 116 123.

We have also moved your thread to the Child mental health board which we feel is better suited for your thread.

Wishing you the very best,💐
MNHQ