I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

I just wanted to show op some support.
I've experienced child to parent violence and it's unbelievably tough and there is next to no support even when you are begging for it repeatedly.
I had concerns about the safety of a younger sibling - SS actually said they could find the easy going younger sibling foster care pretty easily but nobody would ever help a violent teen.

You’d need more than the apgars, you’d need the cord gases and other bits to see if HIE could be a consideration.

Hey OP

reach out to respect they have a program for this and it's really successful it's important to tackle it now before it escalates in adult like to DV which may/may not potentially happen in future relationships.

https://www.respect.uk.net/pages/44-work-with-young-people-s-violence-and-abuse

I can see loads of comments about ADHD but not much re UC, as long as the tenancy was in your name you don’t share any finances with your husband you would be entitled to UC for your second home. The issue would be your husband staying these for time away this could be seen as fraud.

maybe contact a local domestic abuse charity? Maybe a refuge could be an option for you and youngest DC in the short term. Domestic abuse can be perpetrated by a child to a parent/sibling. I’m so sorry this is happening and sadly services aren’t stepping up 😔

The cord blood gases were fine, I remember that but very clearly.
So that's a positive.

Would you want him arresting for the damage, assaults ect?

Hi OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. The state of public services is shockingly bad. I don’t think a lot of people who have posted get how bad it is. We have been on all of the same waiting lists as you, for years in some cases. You sound like me 3 years ago, completely burned out by trying my best to look after my child but having to devote way too much attention to ehcps, dla claims, CAMHS, trying to find medical help etc …. If you can take a break and your husband can cope with your son whilst you are away, it sounds as if you need to do that now. Dorset is beautiful at this time of year.

I am sure you have done everything you can and the lady helping you with the EHCP appeal is a great idea. Outsource as much as you can. How long had you been on the CAMHS waiting list? I got fed up and put in PALS complaints - 1 about CAMHS and 1 for the paediatrician appointment - we were waiting 1 year plus for each of these. Both appointments materialised within 2 weeks of my complaints. I will be booking all of my appointments through PALS in future 😉Might be worth an email?

Take care 🌺

Hi, I'm new to mums-net,
Have you heard of a condition called PANS PANDAS?
Has he has an infection/cold /virus that's made things worse that you can pin point?

I never heard of it either until I googled my sons behaviour.

Please take a look on YouTube, see if any symptoms fit, there's possible treatment.

Pans Is derived from cold, covid, ear infection etc....
Pandas is from Strep A, throat infections.

I know these days will drag, I hear you.. keep up doing everything to get that respite you need but please do check it out.

Good luck x

I hate to say it, but I don’t know what you’re expecting from Camhs but my experience was it was fucking horrendous. My daughter actually came out worse than she went in. I’m considering she went in burning her skin with straightening irons and threatening to jump out of Windows that’s saying something.

obviously this doesn’t happen, then every case, but basically she grew out of it.

I've not managed to get through the entire thread so don't know if that has been mentioned, but 5 pages in it hasn't been so far, and if I'm to be honest part of me is sure you've already tried this;
But is there any way you could sit down with your son and explain to him that you're struggling and it's reaching a point where a drastic family shake up will likely happen (whatever that may look like) - Maybe he doesn't fully realise how much of an effect he's having?
Explain that he's having an effect on his little brother who (I assume?) he loves.
I'd imagine you and your husband are likely doing your best to shield him from how his behaviour is effecting everyone to a certain extent, maybe not even consciously.

He's still a child, of course - But he's also I think old enough for that kind of serious talk if I'm being honest. Especially if he's getting on mostly alright in school setting and it's mostly just at home with you both that issues arise.

Medication or no medication, violence & aggression is a choice someone makes. Plenty of un-medicated people/children don't do these things precisely because they know it's wrong, they have other outlets.

My daughter was in the same situation you are and no-one would listen. £2000 later
later he was diagnosed and on medication. Don't hesitate
as both he and you deserve every chance. It will definitely ease the situation and you will get advice as well.

Sorry last message got muddled. My daughter had the problem with my Grandson.

All of this. Fellow PDA parent- we should start a club.

you can tell who does and does not have a disabled child on this thread

Reading your posts, I am so sorry you are not receiving any support. This is just horrendous that a family have to cope in this way. The school sound terrible, they should be able to be pushing for an ehcp and writing for urgent referrals to CAHMS.
I used to work in a school and there was a boy with ADHD who was just uncontrollable. He became a completely different child once he started medication.
My heart goes out to you it really does. Ignore poster's who have no idea what it is like to look after a child with sen. Xxx

HIE is diagnosed in conjunction with the gases though, but primarily on the basis of the baby’s behaviour after a difficult birth.

so - seizures, abnormal neurology, respiratory support, feeding support etc. The OP isn’t going to get a retrospective diagnosis just because her DS needed resuscitation at birth but seemed ok thereafter.

The armed forces are unlikely to accept anyone who needs daily medication in order to not to turn into a risk to his comrades. Supply lines cannot be guaranteed in a war zone.

I am so sorry OP.

I can't go into too much detail but family law is one area I know about - I would say that as awful as it is, once a child is in the criminal justice system (CJS) it opens doors to
Organisations that might be able to help. It may be the best thing that happens. I'm so sorry you're not getting the support. I am so sorry your child is suffering and your other child and your husband.

I know a fantastic consultant who dealt with my own child - would you like me to see if he does pro bono? My child's behaviour transformed after treatment - it's like night and day, the difference in him.

Really best of luck x

Possibly a silly idea, but could you book into a cheap hotel or air BnB for a few nights for yourself and younger child that give yourselves a holiday/ break from the stress. I don't know much about ADHD but autistic youngsters can have meltdowns when things overwhelm them. I hope things improve for you soon.

I don’t understand why you said foster care wasn’t an option? Or respite care?

Your initial post says:

• it’s very dangerous
• you cannot cope anymore
• you are fearful for your own safety, and your 4 year olds safety.

Bar medication for ADHD, the safety issue is probably not going to be solved quickly as this is an ongoing escalating issue, which you say has been occuring for years.

So medication is a possibilty, of which you are aware. But the going into your bedroom etc sounds like things are not just a result of extreme hyperactivity, a loss of a sense of what is OK has happened in your household.

I have children with additional needs, so am aware of shortage of services etc. Respite or foster care is not an easy choice, but I don’t know what else to suggest. Your situation, for whatever reason, has gone beyond the ‘line’ of emotional and physical safety for both yourselves and your children, both of them. You can phone SS and tell them that you can no longer cope. There is still your son who does need a lot of support it sounds like to find his way back. It’s all a bit heartbreaking.

🧌

Seconding this, from the perspective of the now-adult ND child. In my case, undiagnosed autism.

Masking all day at school to try to fit in and avoid being a target for bullies. Masking, masking, masking. Then late at night not wanting to go to bed because when I woke up, I'd have to do it all again. Arguments, fights, broken crockery. Mum would slap me to try to make me "snap out of it". On one occasion I punched her back, after all, if it was OK for her to smack or slap me, it was OK for me to hit back. Self-harming. I still have the scars. Parents couldn't understand why I would be fine for ages and just explode. Couldn't understand why my school teachers thought highly of me but I had few friends and explode at home. When faced with imminent situations that I couldn't control, like outings to places with lots of people in, I'd meltdown. I couldn't articulate "too many people", "need to escape", "too much noise".

My sister absolutely knew exactly how to provoke me and loved to do so and would then go running to parents. I would be left in charge of her and she would act up knowing that I would be terrified of being blamed for her behaviour because she loved to watch me spiral into panic. We had a very blamey household, it was always "fix the blame first and the problem second" and my parents often put me into situations that I was too young for. A few times, they realised their own mistake afterwards and apologised to me for doing it, but more often they blamed me when it went wrong.

Net result: I felt like the problem child, the black sheep, the scapegoat.

Didn't matter if that's how my parents thought of me, or how they meant to treat me, it's how I ended up feeling.

JFC that was painful to type.