I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius
You're making my point for me. What's the point in contacting the police? What will they do? It's beyond in consequences

I think you missed my point, @Jellyx - which was that the OP is in a very tough situation, and doesn’t need to be told that it is her fault for not parenting/disciplining her child properly.

All you are doing is making a woman at the end of her rope feel just a little bit worse - I’m not sure how that is going to help her.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM I think your best bet is to speak with the SW's hun.. see what you can get out of them..

Obviously your manager hasn't got a clue.. but just to let you know you are not alone sweetie... stay strong. There is help out there for you. Its just finding the right path. Always here for a chat

oh bless you, it is fucking tough parenting some kids.

splitting up and swapping children may keep you all sane.

This might be a useless thought but your comment about it being worse in summer made me wonder if anyone has looked into bipolar? I have bipolar II and was misdiagnosed with ADHD as a child. It’s often cyclical and impacted by changes in circadian rhythms and I tend to struggle more in the winter but I’ve met others through a support group that find summer harder.

Jelly is actually right here - I'm a police officer with an autistic (now adult) child

The police do not have a magic wand
The police deal with criminality and all that would happen is a 12 year old child would end up criminalised- and I really don't believe having a criminal record on top of his issues will help- he can be arrested for a maximum of 24 hours - and then he'd be released but with potentially a record . What good is that going to do ?

They can put a referral in to ocial services but it's a paper exercise at best

They would refer for the 4 year old too . But ultimately this is a child , and not can't see what criminalisation would
Do to help anyone here

He may eventually be locked up in a young offenders but doubtful for damaging his own property etc

The police truly are not the answer here
Long term

What if the child ends up on the right meds and wants to get into the army or nursing ? That's gone . His life choices could be squashed st 12 simply because he isn't getting the right support.

Thats something I definitely never considered.

However would he not have times of being very high and very low? My only experience of bipolar is Claire Danes in Homeland 😳

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM There are no other issues, he has two stable loving parents with full times jobs, he has lovely brothers, he has friends, we live in a large house in a nice area.
He's had bad tantrums since he was 3, the only difference now is the added hormones and strength and stamina he has behind him.
Your answer about him having moving parents and a nice hike further make me think you are not very aware of other conditions that might be at play. Your ds behaviour is not typical of adhd. He may have other comorbid conditions. Oppositional defiant disorder for example

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM I get it.

I had a long running thread on here about a decade ago. My son was sectioned.

When I look Back now I can't believe I lived that life for so long with him. And I tried everything. It worked though.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM I have a 12 yo who has PDA (pathological demand avoidance) and ADHD.

I have no doubt that we could end up in a situation like yours. The closest that we came to that was when he had a hospital procedure, had to be sedated, six staff holding him down, then sedated and intubated for 24hrs as he was so distressed.

However, our day to day lives are calm. We home ed as he couldn't cope with school.

Things are calm. We don't ask him to do things that he doesn't want to do, except for a few very firm boundaries. For a long time, this meant he ate an unhealthy diet, went to bed at ridiculous times and didn't leave the house. But as his anxiety decreased and he felt in control, he was able to hear our advice and had a sleep routine that he came up with, the healthiest diet in the family. He goes for walk for miles most days and likes to climb mountains now ffs. His relationship with his sibling had changed totally.

A lot of people don't get low demand parenting. It's not lazy, it's incredibly hard but if your child is explosive and stressed them you need to meet their needs in a different way. Your childs behaviour at the moment is trauma and anxiety - they're traumatized, acting in an explosive and aggressive manner, and this is affecting the whole family dreadfully. The sleep thing - been there with DS, had to sit by the door to keep it closed while he tried to thump through. We had things trashed, from TVs, numerous games consoles, doors, banisters, car wing mirror... I do get it. Honestly. But I learnt how to support him appropriately

Feel free to DM. This thread is so sad and some of the advice by people who don't have disabled children is just awful.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM I'm sorry, so sorry to hear what your family are going through. I can't even imagine. I believe you've tried everything from A to Z.
It's the kids who are suffering here! Your 12 year old clearly needs help. I don't know what else you're expected to bloody do. Your 4 year old is scared in his own home. I'm so angry on your behalf. Your family has been failed here, completely.

As far as housing is concerned, it is my understanding that being married, but living separately, should not have an affect on any claims you can make. But I don't know how that would work with the house swapping to give each other a break. Best place to speak to is CAB.

Whatever happens, I wish your family all the luck in the world.

I answered it as though I was having my parenting attacked.

I'm not saying she needs to discipline her child. I'm saying the police aren't going to do it for her and it sounds like that won't actually help anyway.

Practically yes you could leave the family home and rent somewhere and if you had no/not enough money to live on other than possibly child support, then yes you could probably claim UC however....

You can't take turns and have the state supply your family with a spare respite home. You would need to be 2 separate units.
Your husband would be expected to pay child support for your 4 year old.
Also, would your husband be able to manage to run a home, take care of your oldest boy and work? That's a big undertaking.

Has your youngest child ever been hurt by your oldest? I don't mean do you think he's in danger or is it unpleasant, I mean is there enough there to raise a Safeguarding concern?

You have my sympathy OP. Your life sounds unbearable atm and you must be close to breakdown. Tbh in your situation I'd think desperate times need desperate measures. I'd seriously considering legal 'abandonment'. Next time it kicks off would your husband be prepared to come leave with you. By that I mean call the Police and just leave and you 3 spend night in a travelodge or at a relatives.. Surely if the Police arrive to a scene where a child is smashing up the home and there is no responsible adult about someone will happen. Wont they take your child into temp care until there's a resolution. Of course this could result in charges....but hey, your life can't get much worse.
Oh and video his behaviour next time so everyone is clear what you mean by kicking off!

I only pointed the op to support services. I thought mn was a place for support fisr mums who need advice. Maybe I have misjudged the audience or the moderator.

Very astute post @SpidersAreShitheads

Children are generally very perceptive and acutely aware of their status within a family-

All children want to be loved and cared for deep down-
If they feel the parent/s or wider family are against them, or favour ( Usually younger) siblings over them, they can get aggrieved.

Who is there for THEM?

Are they just this awful problem that the parents want rid of?

It’s often a family dynamic that needs looking at.

When my own son was being tricky ( broken doors, holes punched in lath and plaster walls, generalised flares of anger, I too didn’t deal with them well, and looking back I WAS contributing in part to the outbursts by how I dealt with them.

It’s rarely just the child’s fault.

Younger siblings can also goad an older one and then go “ Running to Mum” -

The teenaged years can be hard work, but as Op’s son behaves elsewhere- ( as my own son did) it shows the issues may well lie “closer to home”.. but in the thick of it, it’s hard to see that ( Or to admit it) .

The people suggesting -legal child abandonment Just unbelievable.

One can’t morally create kids then abandon them because for whatever reason their behaviour is bad.

Just as well we no longer have orphanages in this country troubled children can be thrown into.

This sounds so hard OP, sending you a handhold. I agree with pp’s that getting him on medication would be a step. It wouldn’t be a step backwards, and it may well be a step forwards. What is the GP saying? If they won’t help can you see another GP or go private and get him on some medication. It might really help things and it would be an action you can take which is empowering when you feel stuck. Are there any charities who can help you - maybe in some support for you and your DH, your younger child and maybe even your DS. There could be other families who can relate. Keep reaching for better - take small steps whatever they are, it will help you feel less stuck. Do you have family support who can help give you some respite? Would he behave the same in another environment do you think. Wishing you all the luck for the future. It’s so hard when you feel like you are trapped with a problem and no one hears you. Keep reaching for steps even small ones xxxx

My DS has ADHD and doesn’t do those things.

You need some serious help.

What is the point of posts like these? You're just stating the obvious - of course the OP needs serious help. That's why she's here. She's desperate

Well the state has quite happily abandoned them family including a 4 year old and a disabled preteen and parents who have no doubt developed mental health problems as a result of all the stress. What is the welfare state and the NHS actually for, if not to help a family in this desperate situation?

OP I believe you have tried all the things you listed, it's appalling that you are living like this. I'm sorry, I can't advise on the living situation but if you can make it work, I think living separately would be worth trying.

I came here to say this.
I find it surprising that your manager hasn't escalated this to the safeguarding team. Could you ask her to do so? Have you been referred to occupational health for emotional support? Again, if they know the details, they too should refer on to children's services.
I don't have much more to offer, other than I'm sorry the system isn't supporting you and that things are so challenging.

I think op knows that!! Hence all the info in her post.

The topics in this thread obviously spark a lot of emotion in many people OP but take the advice you find helpful and ignore comments that are void of content. It’s just because others’ are emotionally charged by the context of your post. I think it’s well known that ADHD and other ND manifests differently in each person xo

It sounds like that could very well be the root of the problem.

Has he ever had any follow-up like a brain MRI, or been diagnosed with hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy?

I had a friend who's younger brother was born with the cord around his neck and was starved of oxygen at birth, and he had a lot of behavioural issues and was diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. He was a difficult teen and was very aggressive and impulsive, but he really calmed down in his early twenties and is a relatively normal adult now - no one would know he has such difficulties. Just an anecdote, but odds are your son will mellow with age.

I’m sorry, I literally replied to the first post and have just read the rest of the thread.

I have absolutely no clue what to suggest to be honest, it befuddles me that people are just expected to just crack on in these kinds of situations by the LEA and SS.

OP, you’re not a terrible parent, not at all. A friend of ours has had their oldest do similar to them, and the response from school and services is lack lustre to say the least.

My youngest has been on an NHS waiting list for four years waiting for an assessment, and has another year left at least. It’s disgusting!