I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

Oof OP. That comment aimed at @oakleaffy - they are normally pretty good on SEN topics, I don't think they were trying to be unkind.

I mean this really gently - but sometimes when you're in the mire of fighting, and you're exhausted and angry and frustrated....it's hard to see the full picture. And I say this as someone who has absolutely been there and got the T-shirt.

So while his ADHD may be the root cause, it doesn't mean that other things aren't contributing. And sometimes it's helpful to take a breath, step back, and consider if there's any other aggravating factors.

When my DS was going through his violent phase, I know I didn't do my best parenting. And I know that sometimes the things I did made it worse - because in that moment, you're just surviving.

And also, you probably have mixed feelings towards your DS at the moment. You love him because he's your son, but I imagine you're angry at him, and don't like him very much right now. At least that's how it comes across in your posts (and I think it's how lots of parents would feel).

Children with ADHD often have huge issues with rejection and self-esteem. And he might be picking up on cues that he's the "bad child" - because of his violent behaviour. He's 12, he's not daft - he knows it's not OK. And that will impact how he sees himself - and if he feels as if it's maybe him vs you, your DH and little DC, it will have an impact.

It's absolutely NOT saying you're to blame. Or that you're a crap parent. All of us who have been there know how hard SEN parenting is. It's really, really fucking hard.

But it's also fucking hard being a ND child. And if you believe that your family don't like you/don't want you - and you know that they're (understandably) unhappy with your behaviour, it's really easy for things to blow up inside your own mind.

For example, I noticed you used the word "tantrums" earlier to describe his meltdowns. It just provides a clue of how you think about his neurodivergence. And you also said that you don't think he has any sensory issues because he hasn't mentioned it. Have you ever done any SEN parenting courses? The insight they offer into the mind of a ND child is so helpful. Reframing the language in your own head, and having insights into how you could identify sensory issues (for example) might be useful.

I don't think now is the right time because you don't have pause for breath - but if you can get him onto meds, a SEN parenting course might help you "get him".

Reflecting on whether you could change anything to help the situation doesn't mean you're to blame. Or that you're a crap parent. On the contrary - it takes a real kick ass parent to be willing to keep scrutinising every tiny element to see how they could help support their child. As I said, SEN parenting is fucking hard.

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime
Again this is what they may say it does not mean it is the truth. SENDIST will accept private assessments. Things have started to change regarding LA using refusal to access or denying EHCP as delaying tactics to save money....

But he was never violent or badly behaved tbh.

So, tbh, your experience is of no relevance here.

I'm in the US so can't offer any practical help.

Your DS sounds like my friend's step-grandson, he was a very large 10 year old when things really got out of control. They got a similar run around from 'the authorities' saying ADHD, autism, defiance disorder, etc etc and offering very little real help. They finally had to start surreptitiously videoing him during his violent and threatening 'rages' (sorry, but 'tantrum' doesn't describe it) to show that they weren't exaggerating. But it wasn't until he tried to push his 3 year old sister down a tall flight of uncarpeted stairs that they were able to get anywhere.

The police were called and they determined that he was 'a danger to others' (meaning his sister) and the police called an ambulance with a MH team rather than 'arrest' him. He was taken to a locked pediatric psych ward where he finally got the intensive testing he needed and was diagnosed with childhood schizophrenia w/complex psychosis. He was in the facility for about a year and then transferred to a residential school.

I really feel for you. You sound like a good mum who has just reached the very end of her tether. There is nothing in the world that could have prepared you for this and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it all.

What a brave post, @MommaDuck. You are an inspiration.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM - I am so sorry I don’t have any practical advice, but as a previous poster said, I wish I could give you a massive hug.

Does your GP know how much stress you are under, and how tough things are for you, your dh and your other child? I only ask because they may be able to offer you some help or support, or signpost you to places where you could get some support - and everything that gets documented about the effects your son’s behaviour on your lives, might help you get the help you need.

I wish I could do more.

I am sorry you are living with this. We live with violent behaviour, DS has ADHD and ASD and it is so difficult but it here is not to that extreme, thankfully. Medication helps. Although we have had to repair numerous walls, many bedroom doors and pot plants. He also has engaged in extremely dangerous behaviour outside the house.

A book I read once that I really related to was 'Beyond Rainman' https://www.amazon.co.uk/Beyond-Rain-Man-Psychologist-Spectrum-ebook/dp/B01CR2EBSK and to me the behaviour seem to me of a possible autistic trait, the extreme reactions.

No one can really understand it until you've lived it. My other children are a breeze, pleasant, very compliance and easygoing.

I'm a public health nurse working in the same
office as SW.

Ive spoken to my manager about my struggles and she hasn't mentioned anything. I haven't worked up the courage to speak to the SW's.
I guess I should but I've been screeching out for help from SW's and got nothing so far.

There are state residential boarding schools for children who can't cope in mainstream or special "day" schools. Places can be hard to find but I live near one and know people who teach there. Age 11 to 18. They do amazing work there. A lot of the children are there because of increasing violence and concern for younger siblings. I think having a police record helps, so don't be afraid of recording his behaviour with them.
You have to do what is right for your DS and sometimes that means getting specialist care.

There would really be no way to diagnose ADHD when he is in such a state of crisis. His presentation is not directly related to ADHD, there is obviously something more going on. The private companies will always take your money and tell you what you want to hear but that really isn't going to help your son.

What was the psychiatrists assessment that you saw? What did they recommend for treatment / management / follow-up.

Take him to a and e when he is being violent/ threatning to stab people. He is an imminent risk of harm to others which is also a psychatric emergency just like risk imminent risk to harm self. Tell them you can't take him home.

Have you tried a disabilities charity / solicitor to advocate with SS? The only problem with foster care is you may lose him forever.

Considering you used to work in this field, I find it very unnerving that you do not know current legislation when it comes to UC.

For the umpteenth time, if they run separate households with neither party contributing to the other they can remain married and the OP can claim as a single person - because she's living as a single person.

Please do yourself a favour and stop giving incorrect advice, it's really not helping the OP.

No you wouldn't OP. Please stop listening to this poster who is giving completely incorrect advice for UC.

You and your husband would have to live apart and each run your own household, with your own finances and bills. You can remain married and in a relationship as long as neither of you contributes to the other and can prove you each have your own bills to pay at respective homes.

Don't comment if you're going to give incorrect advice. I've mentioned numerous times that this is not the case.
Please read UC legislation and come back when you know what you're talking about.

Hi not sure you could do that as you would be listed on the mortgage. Not sure it would help either just put of the problems for another day. You mention your 12ds has a loving brothers and family yet only mention a 4yr old ds. Are their other children no longer living in your house ? My friend had worse final straw was her ds attacked her with a knife thankfully she was ok the police took her ds and he is now in care.

Nope - not correct. I've explained upthread why. Please check facts before commenting, this isn't helping.

Completely wrong ffs. I have explained upthread why.

What is he so angry about? What is he fixating on at 11pm at night when there's no direct stimulus there to set him off?

Don't underestimate the destructive power of the internet. Does he do much gaming or spend a lot of time on the internet? If you can track what sites he is visiting etc

I work within childrens services so I am well aware of these schools. However, getting the LA to fund a place at one of these schools is incredibly difficult ime. LAs are incredibly reluctant to fund places at these schools.

Sadly no-one cares about child-to-parent violence.

SS does have a responsibility to your younger child. Report all your concerns about their safety, over and over again. Document all incidents - including the emotional harm they are experiencing in this situation.

I'm sorry.

@Jellyx - are you really this naive? Do you think that all @ADHDDDDDDDBOOM needs to do is put in some firm, Supernanny style discipline, and all her son’s issues will magically disappear?

Cant you see that her situation is way beyond poor parenting or a misbehaving child - this is a child with a diagnosed condition (who may have other, as yet undiagnosed conditions) who is putting her, her dh and their four year old in very real danger, and that she desperately needs real help and support, not someone like you telling her it is all her fault.

I honestly thought that we had progressed beyond such antediluvian attitudes. Sadly I was wrong.

The police can help if there is a crime committed but I agree with what OP says, sitting in custody for up to 24 hours is not a place for a child and would result in a YOS referral more than likely. Is there a YOS prevention team in your area?

Turning up to SS office won't help - and I laughed at the OP saying will get them off their arses - you won't get anyone in the office as they are so busy on visits!

See what the early help worker can do- see if they are trained to deliver NVR parenting or PACE- you need a more specialist parenting style - this isn't to say your parenting isn't good btw , you sound like you are doing a great job

Look at a safety plan for when he kicks off - which one of you moved the 4 year old away, or who is family or friends nearby who can support. Or as above if it's a crime then call the police.

Foster care isn't the answer as it makes children more vulnerable, and LAs do not take children in to care like that. Is there an intensive service via the LA specifically to prevent children going into care?

PEGS are brilliant if you Google them and get in touch

I would be looking at medication for adhd whichever way you can to see if that calms
Also someone else suggested a sensory need - a sensory assessment maybe of use to look at triggers - normally occupational therapists do this with an interest in autism.

Sounds like he is still on role at a school just on reduced time? What are they doing to provide him with an education - if he can't be in school can the provide a tutor or look at alternative provision for him - a PRU or s therapeutic provider - your LA should have a Local Offer website which has lots of AP on

Personally I think you have to put your younger child first and fast! So unfair for him to live in fear.

Thankfully not.

He is very very "on the go".
If he had the opportunity to open his eyes, go out with his friends climb trees and all sorts, then come home
at bed time, he would.
I was very much the same when I was his age.

He does have limited access to the internet.
He has a screen time limit. He always has done, however this is often a trigger.

A lot of disorders cross over one another

Look at not only ADHD but at :
Oppositional defiance disorder
Austistic spectrum disorder
Pathological demand avoidance syndrome

He needs to be assessed by a specialist psychologist with a working knowledge of all these disorders because they can overlap to a huge extent

The psychiatrist sounds pretty shit tbh

I'd start with phoning places such as IPSEA and national autistic society.
They have info on who specialises in your areas - I keep telling my neighbour not to keep putting it off because her dd is 10 , nearly 11 and struggling so much - but I can't do it for her . It pays to get helps early as possible. My son was diagnosed at 7 . I think this made a huge difference to his understanding of why he was different and felt so out of sync with his peers .
Throw teenage hormones in and you've got problems .

OP so sorry to read this. I have two DC with ASD, ADHD and sever learning difficulties and have at times thought about crashing into a wall while driving. Sounds like you are doing the best you can in very difficult circumstances.