I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

Re-reading the OP, the boy doesn't use knives. "he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item."

So your advice is a useless crock of shit.

I agree.

I know children who struggle with loud noises, repetitive noises, too many people, too big spaces, the wind, tight clothing etc. these things make a massive difference but it’s sometimes hard to find what is causing the sensory issue.

My DD has ADHD and autism (mainstream school and not bad behaviour) but she needs to come home and be by herself in a calm, quiet environment.
She cannot cope being around too many people and too many noises all day.

I know you are at the end of your tether, but have a listen to this:

https://weareinbeta.substack.com/p/unconditional-positive-regard-dave#details

If you can give it 10 minutes and if it doesn't resonate, then fair enough but its worth 10 minutes of anybody's time.

My son has ADHD and autism.

What you're describing is way way beyond this.

Why don’t you spend money on an assessment and medication rather than renting a place. Just because there is a nhs you don’t have to use it.

Yes that's correct, we have just got early help key work at the skin of our teeth

It's absolutely appalling. I am so sorry. The vast majority have no idea that children and families are existing in such extreme situations with effectively no help.

Because there are a lot of unscrupulous companies - as exposed in the recent Panorama documentary - who are apparently pay-per-diagnosis; how does this benefit vulnerable children and families?

Why the hell do people keep talking about boarding school? My DS went to private school initially and they soon got rid of him when they realised he was going to be a challenge. Boarding schools are often selective and obviously bloody expensive. Oh and also they have 4 months holidays every year so still problem a third of the year.

There may be specialist boarding schools but no doubt v pricey

Boarding school is rarely the answer to fucking anything

As far as UC if you have equity in a house you’re not living in I think they’ll count that as an asset, so if it’s over 16k you’d get no help. They’d also expect you to properly separate from your partner and tell family, school etc you’re no longer a couple.

Because many organisations, including LAs/schools etc don't accept private assessments, they will only accept the NHS ones.

Have you formally complained then requested an independent review?

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM hi lovely. I'm sorry you are going through this... this must be so hard..
You mentioned you are a nurse. So am I. Cab you not speak with children's social service within the hospital( that's providing you know who they are) and explain the situation.
I don't understand why CAMHS are not helping you nor SS..

It is unlawful for LAs and schools to refuse to accept independent assessments and diagnoses just because they are independent. And, as OP is appealing the EHCNA refusal to assess, SENDIST most certainly do consider them.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM also you might have an option of respite if you speak with certain people.

I know children who struggle with loud noises, repetitive noises, too many people, too big spaces, the wind, tight clothing etc.

The thick nylon tights I had to wear to school. The scratchy labels in the backs of collars. The bridge of my glasses resting on the top of my nose, or the arms touching my temples; either of those will trigger a migraine. The smell and texture of peas. The feeling of a bra. I'm in my forties and these things are still a problem.

When I have a bad day at work I want to go under my desk because I want a dark confined space. Did I mention that I'm in my forties?

When your lad's having a calmer day, try talking about what things makes him feel uncomfortable.

This is part of the battle parents of children with Sn’s face every day - proving it isn’t bad parenting .

The police have put an alert on our address and then as well as early help worker have advised that if he is a danger to myself or others to call them.

DR Barkley does some fabulous webinars online - talk to you like you are a grown up . He has very personal reasons for dedicating his life to studying adhd . It helps understanding not solutions really but did help me .

Op you will here loads of nonsense on this thread from people who have no life experience of knowing how broken the system is and how it absolutely is a constant battle for every little thing - it feel’s relentless on top of caring for your Dc.
sadly though lots of us know how tough it is .

I don’t know have any real answers - know you are not alone

www.additudemag.com/adhd-odd-why-is-my-child-angry/

Since your question was about housing and benefits.

If you are not legally separating from your husband, you will simply be deemed as having a second property.

You will not receive any financial help. If you lie about separating, and get found out, you'll be in a mess.

As hard as it must be, If you need to live separately, you need to fund it yourself.

I'm sorry. And I have no advice about your DS, but I do hope you get some help coming your way soon I really do.

Just posted a link for ADHD and ODD. It sounds very much like what you are describing and can obviously be at the extreme end.

My son has ADHD and autism.

What you're describing is way way beyond this.

My child has ADHD and autism.

What you're describing is NOT beyond this.

It is different for everyone with ASD and ADHD. But I presume you know that already.

OP, you mention above that your son has never mentioned sensory issues. With kindness, it is very unlikely that he can recognise what his triggers are. If he did, it would be the first step for identifying what help might work.

Sensory overload is a common trigger for this kind of behaviour in people with SEN. It might not be for your son, OP, but it is certainly worth looking into. If you can afford it, a good private occupational therapist can really help.

Also agree you need to look at the environment you are sending him to daily.

Moving schools was a godsend to my child. He is safe and happy at his new school. That coupled with meds have made him a different, more settled, calmer child .

But he was never violent or badly behaved tbh. Poor behaviour is poor behaviour whether it's from a neurodiverse child or a neurotypical child.

Is he violent at school too? Or just home? ADHD meds won't stop violence. I think you need a whole approach to this starting with his school.

That isn’t true. It would be illegal.

Are you aware how expensive boarding school is? OP said she would need UC in order to afford to rent a flat so it doesn't sound like she is rolling in it.

A lot of psychiatrists work for the nhs and have a private practice. They aren’t cheap, but cheaper than a separate home.