I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

Oh my OP, I couldn't read and run. I have been through the exact same thing, extreme violence, outbursts and basically everything your describing here. The GP was useless when we first went, handed me parenting leaflets 😢 tried all of the avenues you have and got no support. I'm still physically damaged due to items being thrown at me and looking back lucky to be alive I was a single parent at the time and it honestly felt like an abusive relationship I could not leave along with the mamma instinct to help my DD.

The only thing I wish was to have the funds to go private and help her. You have other DC at home too so focus must be on them just now, totally get it. Don't split from your DH, you need each other right now more than ever.

Massive hand hold and hugs 💐💐

Have you tried Unconditional Positive Regard?

I'm so sorry OP, sounds like you're having a really tough time ❤️ I don't want to sound like I am being dense, but can the GP prescribe ADHD meds? Or if you have a diagnosis could you obtain them privately? Or do you have to wait your turn on the chams wait list (which if you do is really shit!!!!!)

Couple of things to consider, you wouldn't get help for housing no, however could you get any respite care? Have you spoken to the GP about your mental health? I know you have a lot on, but you can't pour from an empty cup - this may also help your case with getting a refferal quicker? And have you contacted your local mental health crisis team? Can they help at all? Would A&E be appropriate when he is having a meltdown? (Apologies if that is really ignorant of me, just thinking of anything that may help the OP specifically) this could trigger something in the system to get you a refferal quicker again?

Also, I saw he wouldn't go to a special school, but could he be talked around? Could you go and visit one with him? That really could be your turning point if school is such a massive trigger for him?

Also, ignore the small number of dicks on MN (well, the one on this thread) and focus solely on the helpful posts, there are parents who have fought this exact battle you are fighting right now and come out the other end, and are a wealth of knowledge - focus on them and only them 💐

Sorry my post was meant to add, please do not either parent go alone with DS. This can become really dangerous. Being on your own is the worst thing that can happen xxx

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM i get it, I had a DD like this, went round and round in circles for years trying to get support, I am sure I had a breakdown actually.
In the end instead of going through safeguarding I went through the disabled children's team (within social services). Check this out if you have the energy.

I also don't think that respite is a bad idea, do you have any relatives you and your youngest DS could stay with periodically? I would also push SS to come up with a solution, they always argue the toss with CAMHS and suggest that it isn't their responsibility, when actually it is and they should be working together - with CAMHS. I have to say it really is an awful situation and quite traumatic. Just very sorry you are going through this

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM you sound fucking destroyed.
I'm so so sorry.

No advice but I'm furious that the LA aren't taking safeguarding your youngest DS into consideration here, he deserves to live without fear of a significantly older sibling. I worked with a young woman with ADHD and autism and SW were desperate (she had form for threatening to stab her parents) to remove her from her sisters home.
I'd be going hard at them with this angle, they're not taking him into consideration at all.

My DC are ND and I can't comprehend how bad this is for you, I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

If you're ever feeling too overwhelmed to write a strongly worded letter, message me and I'll write one, I have had to fight like Connor mcgregor to get my DC in SEN schools/get meds/diagnosis etc so if I can help in anyway, let me know x

I wish I had seen this type of post 4 years ago. Really good advice and offer of support. Thank god folk like you exist 💐

He might not be able to articulate what's wrong. I couldn't at that age because I had no idea that how I felt in bright light or loud noise wasn't how everyone else felt.

@Peach0123 sorry to jump on your post. I have read OPs post and feel such empathy for her. I am far more uninformed than OP so can't offer advice but can offer understanding.

I wanted to ask a question to u if thats not derailing they thread...I am in similar position to OP albeit my son is much younger so the violence is easier to manage at the moment. Can I just check what you mean by "go private?". Sorry for ignorance but at the start of the journey and it's totally overwhelming

We saw a private consultant for the ASD diagnosis but stopped half way because I read the local authority wouldn't see it as legitimate. Any truth to that? But since OP already has a diagnosis for her son - what does the "go private" bit refer to? The medication prescription?

Funny you should ask that question.

I was thinking about this very thing. He's never had a head injury but when he was born the cord was round his neck 3 times and strangled him very hard.
His whole head was one massive bruise. It took a good few minutes to resuscitate him, and I looked at his apgar score the other day but can't remember what it was.

It's something that's weighing on my mind a bit.

perhaps if you have under the savings band that a housing association or council sets out you can try getting a property. I know it seems pie in the sky but from the level of violence and danger to you and child, no help with care from schemes and crime no. to back up that you also asked for help from the police you are essentially being made homeless by the system and would be a vulnerable client that would have a lot of traction in getting placement. Sorry if someone has already said this I only read the posts up until they got a bit weird and accusatory.

Op I can only comment on the advice on the living situation. Essentially you wouldn't get universal credit for renting if you have a mortgage as that's considered an asset. You may be entitled to the single element but you Essentially have to commit fraud to say you and your DH are separated as otherwise it will be counted as a joint claim.

Thank you.
You have no idea how lovely it is to read this. Thank you.

I wonder if he’s the eldest and he is the “ Black Sheep/ scapegoat.
You mention “ He has lovely brothers”
Is he somehow “ Othered” in the family?

He sounds very angry at you if he’s behaving reasonably elsewhere?

He definitely needs help, agreed, it’s not the police’s job to sort out mental /emotional health-
I hope all of you can work together as a family.

For me it was only when Ds was diagnosed I was able to realise the impact that sensory inputs had on me, I had got so used to struggling that it became normal.

talking about the impact of sensory input is a relatively new thing and so many people don’t realise how much it can impact on things.

Just to add to my previous post, if @ADHDDDDDDDBOOM ‘s LA is anything like mine, there is no respite care available (LA blanket ban policy) and the cut-to-bone CAMHS service does not diagnose any conduct disorders associated with ADHD/ASD.

Yes that's correct, we have just got early help key work at the skin of our teeth

Oh look another one policing comments on a public forum.

Op if you're going to spend money on renting another place is it feasible to send him to boarding school?

'Othered' for being the oldest and wrecking the shop. Jesus. An my comment was blasted.

What’s his sleep like?

Lots of children I know with ADHD struggle to sleep and it makes such an obvious difference.
I work with students some of which have ADHD and I can usually tell within the first 10 minutes of the morning what their sleep was like.
Most children I know with ADHD take melatonin, especially in the summer where the nights are lighter to help them sleep.

If you’re scared for your or your child’s safety then I’d think about getting a lock on the door so your eldest can’t get in.

I would keep fighting for an EHCP.

Does he have difficulty going to school?

I would keep school informed of his behaviour as if he is shown to be not coping in mainstream if will make getting an EHCP easier.

You can definitely rent out a 2nd home but the help you receive would be based on your earnings and so you may not get any help with rent.

I don't think universal credit will cover boarding school.

Thankfully his sleep is good, it wasn't for many years but in the last 2 years it's no problem at all.

Unless he's having a meltdown.

I don't know what the posts saying this isn't just ADHD are implying really - inadequate parenting? I don't see it that way at all. I think they're saying that ADHD can coexist with other mental health problems and also ODD. I thought the same. This isn't typical behaviour for the majority of teens with ADHD. My DD has ADHD and ODD and isn't violent but it very hard to live with, verbally aggressive, constantly argues, anger problems, swears at DP etc, so I absolutely get what other posters are saying.