I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM
Forgot to add do not listen to a word SENA/SEND say with regards to school being full or that he wouldn't qualify for a specialist provision.

If a child has an EHCP a school being full is NOT a valid reason to not place them into that school if the school has said they can meet his needs. They have to prove it would be a risk to other children to do so which is hard for them to prove.

The reason they like to say no to specialist schools plain and simple it cost much much more money to do so simple as that.

Are you able to camp with your youngest? A cheap tent and cheap getaways may be easier financially.

It’s a competition now? How very mumsnet. So divorce and not being financially intertwined, no joint bank accounts none of her post going to the house, no being insured on each others cars? Funnily enough I’ve worked administering these benefits and can tell you the above are thing compliance teams are all over. A massive red flag and compliance referral is remaining married to someone. But what do I know Mrs Advice.

Have you considered PDA? I have a violent adhd and PDA 8 yr old. Discovering PDA and approaches changed everything for us. I too was broken. Still am some days but I have more hope. How is he at school? Sending love.

I am so glad this worked out and your child has turned out to be a functioning, productive young adult. All the very very best to your family.

Do you honestly believe this is a parenting issue ????

OP Google LDAP keyworkers
a team that helps for circumstances like there

OP my eldest son is an adult now.. He was diagnosed with AD at 10 and even though he almost broke me by digging out plaster from his bedroom wall, it had holes all over it. He cut many things. I had to go to Worth's and buy him new bedsheets about once a month.bevause he cut them. He cut his school uniform too. He went through about 5 sweatshirts one year. He cut my.new coat that I had saved for ages to buy, 2 weeks after I got it. He destroyed books too. When school threatened to suspend him I decided to allow him to try the drugs. I had previously refused because of appetite suppressant properties and it's effectively Speed. After about a month of having drugs and gradually increasing his dose I noticed huge improvement. School rang to say now he was having a lot.of very good days. He got moved from bottom sets in Maths to middle then second set and eventually the top set. I was very happy he stopped cutting things. I felt very guilty though because he had been offered the drugs almost 2 years earlier. I used to complain to his consultant about the cutting. One day he just looked ate and said that morning he had seen a boy of my sons age and he cut himself. That brought it into perspective for me. With medication DH and I could cope with him. Before we had been discussing DH living with him one week and me the following week to give us some respite from him. The drugs saved him. I'd advise you to pay for private diagnoses and the drugs. Now DS is an adult who has chosen to come off the drugs but used Sport to regulate his behaviour but he has a full time job and is buying his own house and a lovely gf. You will get through this OP. I can still recall the dread I felt as he came home from school wondering what he would do next.

So unless I tell authorities that are divorcing, if I were to move out, I would be commuting fraud?

He is 4

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I posted a couple of days ago as was hiding in my car. Couldn't stop crying. My son is on waiting lists for ASD and like you it's the harm to my younger son I find especially hard. Watching him flinch when he goes near his older brother is so upsetting.

One of the most fucking frustrating things is when people suggest a lack of boundaries got us here or saying like things like "you need to sort out DS behaviour"...as if that hasn't been what we are trying to do every day for bloody years.

Good luck to you. I'm so sorry for the distress you're in and the failure of the system to support you in any meaningful way.

My marriage is breaking down, my house is destroyed, there are so many tears in our house. Other parents have no idea.

Oh you poor sodd, I've done exactly the same and cried in my car many times.

It's fucking horrible isn't it? I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing.

He needs medication, end of. It's really cruel that he hasn't been given access to the meds that can help him.
When he has medication then at least he'll be able to hold his emotions and respond to people better.
I hope it happens quickly for you.
There are Support groups for parents, have you been to any of those? That might really help YOU.

FFS. OP, pay no attention to the parental blame. This is nothing to do with your parenting and I am absolutely fed up of people who think situations like this could be solved by ‘better parenting’. You are doing your best and being totally let down by ‘the system’.

Send him to boarding school.

It sounds like something is going on with him beyond "just" ADHD.

Have you and/or your son's healthcare providers looked into Conduct disorders (which unfortunately are relabeled as antisocial personality disorder once the child reaches adulthood)?
https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg158/chapter/introduction

Has your son ever had a head injury? TBI can cause behavioural issues and aggression.

Don’t sell the house.
You and DH “ separate”. DH and dc1 stay in house.
You and dc2 become homeless so rent if possible and claim what you’d be entitled to. You and DH take turns to look after DC1.
As app said DC1 is over 10, age of criminal responsibility so insist the police attend and state the crime he’s committing, assault, criminal damage etc..
Or fit barred doors in rooms. I’m not sure how they work with a solid door too but would keep you all safe from assault. Limit items DS1 has access to.
Phone SS and say you want a safe space installed, they’re a room within a room. Went out of favour a few years ago I think but friend of a friend reckons her dc’s saved her sanity. Get your MP onside, DS school, your GP, anyone and everyone who’ll back you.
Your son needs help urgently but you and the rest of your family do too.

Send the OP your magic wand for enabling this, first.

I'm sorry if I'm getting this wrong, OP, but re @ashamed1235's post - has your four-year-old been repeatedly referred to SS re safeguarding? And they've done nothing?

A boarding school able to meet SEN of this complexity would cost tens of thousands of pounds a year. How do you suggest OP finds that sort of money?

Such a brave post. I am so sorry for you - it sounds awful. Not sure if you know of the fb group called it’s not just you but the lady that set it up had a similar situation and was in touch with mps etc. and has managed to turn things around quite dramatically with her daughter. The people in the group and her herself may have some advice for you. Really hope you get some help soon

I work in a CAMHS service and this behaviour goes far beyond a child with ADHD. ADHD doesn't make you violent. It makes you impulsive, lacking in concentration, and hyper active.

FIRST.

Is it school? Behaviour like this is OFTEN the environment. Ask any parent with adhd kid getting them into the right school was instrumental in a 180 behaviour change.

mine ran away repeatedly from school. From home. Police and fire brigade out searching severity. Was on a vulnerable persons list.

had key workers. Social workers. I was dragged through hell and blame put on me for bad parenting (honestly believe it was because I was a single mother)

would destroy so many things.

hit a teacher.

lied about some pretty awful things.

turned out it was the school environment and the kid logic there was to try to do everything and anything to get out of that particular school. the head teacher was being abusive (threatening to get them sent to pupil referral unit) . The helpful school staff had their hands tied and then they slowly left.

brand new school, senco etc and a massive 180.

the senco had them involved with every aspect of their EHCP reviews etc. was included as much as possible and not lied to.

There was even an incident with a supply teacher manhandling my child (multiple students reported the supply was in the wrong and the two students calmed and made sure my kid was safe, the supply was banned from teaching) and the school handled it brilliantly. The head apologised to my child directly for allowing a bad teacher to behave in such a way etc that my child trusted them 100%

behaviour deteriorated a little but that was determined to work and really tried and never skipped school.

it took me another 2 yrs to get the EHCP sorted out at that school (evidence gathering then covid happened) and longer to get actual adhd meds but it was a huge huge change. the meds have ‘slowed down my brain enough I can think’ according to my child.

so really, really really look at the environment and really really consider getting medication too.

OP, that is such a horrible awful situation. I think your DS may need to be sectioned since he is clearly a risk to others, including your younger son. 11-18yos can be sectioned, though they obviously prefer to avoid it. He needs a MHA assessment.

When the boy is smashing windows and trying to stab his dad, I'd say he's gone beyond "no treats" and "no gaming".

You can hide the knives but the boy will find something else. When my DM hid the knives, razors, etc, I broke a mug and used it to self-harm. Anything sufficiently pointy can be used to stab. Anything heavy can be used to bludgeon. Anything long and thin and flexible can become a garrotte.

This family needs external help.