I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

Yes we do this about once a week, it's costs between £85-£130 a night (we are down the road from a premier in which tends to be the most affordable, including the local air bnb's,)
But it's the week before pay day and I can't afford it tonight.
This is another reason why im thinking of moving out, to stop all the payments to premier inn.

Can your youngest stay with a family member for a little while?

I've just had a look and no layman posts on the one I took a screen shot of.

Please could you send a link of the one you're referring to?

The only thing I can suggest is driving him to social services and simply saying you cannot cope. They'll try everything to get you to keep him and potentially can pull strings to get medication. I do know 2 people who voluntarily put their children into foster care (one was autistic, the other adhd) you are not alone

My closest family member is in Dorset.

I am tempted to take some time off and take him down there though.

My child is ASD and is under Cahms. There is honestly help out there. Another brilliant group is Re:minds they have a FB group and loads of you tube videos which are so helpful.

Could the younger child possibly go to boarding school? I grew up with ND older siblings who made my life miserable, and always wished my parents had sent me to boarding school...

If your youngest is still only 4 they don't have to be in school, so I would suggest taking them down to Dorset if possible. Its not a long term solution but it will be one less worry in the short term whilst you try and get things sorted.

It's ok I've just figured it out, there is two and I need to message the first one.

Ive just done that and they had an instant reply that had links for crisis support which I haven't seen before so that's great, I'm going to take a look.

Thanks so much for this suggestion!

Op, I just wanted to say I know how you are feeling, it’s shit to know there is no help forthcoming when your family is at crisis point. So often parents with NT children have no idea of our struggles and think (as I used to do) that when parents ask for help, you will get it and it’s just not true.

The best advice CAHMS could offer me to deal with my DDs violent meltdowns was to call the police. I’ve been so close, but have never got to that point and luckily the violence is less, partly because of the way we parent (we are now very low demand and can recognise the triggers earlier to prevent the meltdowns). It’s been a tough few years and CAHMS have been absolutely no help to us at all. The parental blame from them has been massive and not justified at all. They will do anything to get out of providing support, there doesn’t seem to be anyone in our camhs who has any interest in helping the really complex children.
i haven’t read the whole thread but do you claim DLA for your child? Might help with the money situation, or at least pay for some respite so you can have a break (we all know that social care won’t be keen to pay out). The times I have dreamed about winning the lottery so we could afford to buy another house so I had somewhere to escape to with our other dc, I know exactly where you are coming from.

is your child attending school? Is that part of the trigger for the behaviour? The anxiety and stress it caused my autistic child was immense. I don’t know a lot about ADHD, but unmet needs at school could be a problem. Ehcp? Might be able to get a social care assessment through this?

I’m going to agree with some PPs and say that the priority must be removing your four year old to a place of safety as soon as possible. The long reaching effects of living in this kind of environment should not be underestimated.

@YoucancallmeKAREN did that work for you?
Having been in a similar situation to @ADHDDDDDDDBOOM I too was at the end of my tether, and going to the SS office and refusing to leave without a plan didn't work. I felt more despondent.
I honestly don't have any good suggestions for you, I'm sorry. But I empathise with you 🌺

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM I will probably regret sticking my head above the parapet as I will no doubt be leaving myself exposed to criticism and critiquing of my parenting skills. So, my DD1 is 15 and I have today phoned SS to say that I can no longer parent her. My DD is diagnosed with ADHD, autism, binge eating disorder, neonatal abstinence syndrome and she is also registered blind. She is adopted from the UK care system and she obviously has significant issues relating to her prenatal experiences. I have battled valiantly for 14 years to access the help and support to which my DD is legally entitled but actually doesn’t exist because the majority of the appropriate services have been eroded or eradicated.

Like your son, my DD is violent, aggressive, hostile and verbally abusive. Again, like you, I have a much younger child living in the home who is exposed to things that she should never have to witness and which have destroyed her childhood innocence. DD1 has been on a Child Protection plan and a Child in Need plan. No actual support is ever put in place. We just had last-minute visits from SW every six weeks - when the computer said so - and a poking around her bedroom to check she had a bed and appropriate bedding.

I would say that there is lots of crossover in the ‘symptoms’ of trauma and ADHD and autism. Also, ADHD360 was one of the organizations highlighted in the recent Panorama expose of private companies diagnosing in exchange for payment. I was persuaded to use ADHD360 by my DD’s school (selective grammar) and I rue the day as the ‘assessment’ was carried out over zoom, by a nurse, lasted about 20 minutes, and the subsequent report was less than half a page of A4. I was held hostage and tied in to a titration ‘contract’ for nine months - at a cost of about £120 per month - before I could move to shared care with the NHS. I genuinely am doubting now if my DD has ADHD and if it’s not all a big scam as neither she nor I see any difference at all relating to the medication.

Also, to those questioning the lack of EHCP, it took me THREE years to secure one for my DD, who, I'll repeat, is registered blind, because her school refused to support my application. It’s easy to say ‘just apply for an EHCNA’ but the reality is that nothing in SEN land is easy and it feels like the whole system is set up to trip up and discombobulate parents. When we’re having seven shades of the proverbial hit and kicked out of us on a daily basis, there is no energy to fight the might of the system.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM , I’m sorry that your police force have failed you as I have found my regional force to be the only professionals to be empathetic and solutions-focused; would you consider contacting your local Police Commissioner to discuss the response to your situation?

https://facebook.com/groups/588379068738900/

Have you consider calling an ambulance and getting your son sectioned? Do you think that would help?

Please do not listen to anyone that tells you the are not worth it, if written as they should be they are worth their weight in gold for most children. And are legally enforceable again only if written correctly.

Please do contact your director of children's services to make a complaint as they are failing in their duty to your child. Unfortunately it is those who shout the loudest as most LA will not do anything they do not have to until you keep complaining again and again!

What was the LA reason for refusal to access? As it can not of been that the school are meeting his needs as he is on a very reduced attendance.

Again I know this must seem an impossible situation for everyone but can you and your husband not rotate with your younger child with family to both be there for your older one but also so you still are spending time with the younger one until something is in place.

Some LA are much worse than others for example Suffolk and Derbyshire are awful you only have to have a quick look at the failings and upheld LGSCO complaints for following the CAFA 2014 but if you wanted more advice or support please feel free to message me. Been there done it all many times with my LA.

OP I just wanted to add a message of support. You sound like an incredible person at the end of their limit.
It's an awful situation that those who have come on to slate you can do one. No one knows until they have to deal with it.
I hope you get help and soon for all of you.
Best wishes.

https://facebook.com/groups/remindscrisiscare/
This reminds crisis care. They also have a parent support group x

Seriously ......... Very very simplistic opinion to be sprouting on someone who is openly sharing her issue and being very plain about what is happening. Also she's being very plain that she is at breaking point.....

I know plenty of families where you are 100% wrong in your diagnosis of the quality of family life.

What an awful and unkind response.

I am seriously shocked you were denied an EHCP.

Did they asses and refuse or refuse to even assess? There are 2 legal points that you have to prove and then they can't not assess. You have clear evidence of need by the fact he can't attend school. It's easy for you to demonstrate those 2 points so they have no legal stand.

From what you've said here, it's sounds very likely there's
ADHD - needs assessment and medication
ASD / PDA - needs autism assessment / pathway
Mental health issues / anxiety / low self esteem - needs CAMHS
Sensory processing disorder - needs OT assessment
Communication difficulties - needs SLT assessment
And all of this thrown together in an unmet need situation is over bubbling into the behaviour you see which is a cycle of decline getting worse and worse.

Once you have all the above assessments and diagnosis (not easy, I know), with impairment outlined and need detailed, it is much easier to prove (via an EHCP) what is needed. If his needs are met, the behaviour will reduce.

My son behaved similarly at 8/9. I honestly believed he would end up prison. We did the above (assessment, lodging complaints, phoning daily, private assessments, dealing with wounds and damage) while living in the seventh circle of hell and now he is in the best place. An amazing specialist school and he's a wonderful young man with great prospects.

Hold firm. Grit your teeth and keep pushing for what is needed - whilst also protecting all of you in the house.

This is totally weird as a suggestion.

My DD1 is autistic and it is very hard for all of us including and (especially) NT DD2.

Could your DH take your eldest and camp with him? Totally basic camping in a farmer's field or wild camping. Chopping wood for a good portion of the day, lugging water from streams and filtering it. Walking miles every day to the next suitable site for wild camping. Life as it would've been 4000 years ago.

My DD1 is always much better when she spends holidays like this. Just being outside and focussed on survival. The amount of effort and energy that is needed to survive is enormous.

I don't know where you live but in Scotland we can roam pretty much everywhere across The Highland so long as there are no vehicles.

It know how desperate you must be to have some semblance of a normal life. 💐

Re sensory issues....
One of my children can identify and articulate that they are 'too hot' 'it's too smelly' 'it's too noisy/bright/itchy/cold etc' but one can't. They can't always identify when they are uncomfortable or why - it's a interoception issue. So sometimes their behaviour is the only clue and you have to play detective.
My children are definitely worse in the heat and I struggle with bright sunlight, sunscreen and heat. I don't think I realised I struggled more than others until I was in my 20s. I would definitely see if you can try to identify potential triggers and minimise them. In my teens I'd completely lose my cool because someone would make a tiny noise that I just couldn't stand. I would either massively overreact immediately or blow up the next time someone did something entirely unrelated because it was just the straw that broke the camels back.
If you child has sensory issues or PDA in addition to ADHD then the meds will only solve part of it (I'd bet it would help massively though) but you could start treating them as if they already have those additional diagnosis' and see if you see any positive changes. Lowering demands helps mine too. So I basically end up treating them as if they are several years younger than they are and it seems to help. They sound like they are in crisis so it probably takes time to heal. I'd stop pushing school at all if possible but see what they say.