I don't want to live with my child anymore.

[ADHDDDDDDDBOOM]

Im in a child-to-parent abuse situation. We all are.
My 12 year old has ADHD, I'm screaming for help in all directions and desperate for him to start medication.
We have just been accepted for key work, by the skin of our teeth.
Ive called the police, Ive called social services.

Hes smashed his bedroom windows through, items went through the broken windows and smashed my car. He's smashed internal windows, broken bowls, bins, plates etc etc.
He comes into my room
at 11pm when me and 4 year old DS are sleeping and he's looking for my phone to throw at my head, DH (his dad) is physically blocking him, he threatens to stab his dad with a broken item.

Police don't give a crap exact words "what do you expect us to do, he's 12" I'm putting in a complaint but I haven't got the mental
strength yet.
I have anxiety and depression because of it, I'm on egg shells.
he's kicked off already today and probably will again later.
4 year old DS is petrified of him, he asks when can we live somewhere else without him?
i don't want to live with him either.

can I just leave and rent a property? Would I get financial help with that from
UC?

I have a mortgage on this house, will that affect me being able to get UC for rent?

It would mean that I can protect younger DS from him and I get a break, then DH can get a break and we can swap.
is that fraud? If I were to stay at the house I owned occasionally for DH to have a break?

What are the logistics here? I'm so low I think about how nice it would be for my car to smash into a wall.

I've spoken to
CAMHS
Social services
police
school
GP
written to MP
Head of children services
other services besides

I just don't want to live with him. I need to protect my youngest child

I haven't delayed a private assessment.

We had an assessment. We delayed the medication on advice of the psychiatrist. That was the mistake we made, we trusted the psychiatrist. That's the only mistake we have made.

OP you have my full sympathy, it sounds awful.

Our daughter has had issues and huge challenges but not at the level you are experiencing. We could not wait for the NHS and like you, had her assessed privately, she was diagnosed with ADHD, PDA and attachment disorder (despite, like your son, having a settled and happy family unit). Worth bearing in mind that her doctor did not recommend ADHD meds as they can be less effective for children with multi diagnosis’s. He did, however, prescribe melatonin and she is no longer moving furniture around at 2am.

our daughter also had major school issues so in fact we are home edding now which is incredibly challenging but better for her and she is beginning to open up about how traumatic she found school - she is now 10, left school a year ago and is only opening up now, before it was only expressed via behaviour.

with regards to Social care, I am a SW and I would do this: contact the first point of contact and say you wish to make a safeguarding referral and are therefore requesting an assessment with regards to your younger son. This way they should assess his needs in his own right, and consider the risks posed to him by his brother. I have worked many of these cases and in some instances it results in CP investigations but this can absolutely be seen as a positive thing. Of course they will want to avoid foster care but there may be some options worth exploring with them, but focus on the risks to your little one. I have taken children into short term care in such instances but, as I am sure you know, this won’t necessarily help your son and may well make things worse.

We follow PDA methods of low demand parenting and meltdowns have reduced. No consequences at all. Meltdowns - her brother has a lock on his door so he can escape and she can’t hit him. Sometimes careful restraint. Sometimes I take her into her room and sit against the door so she can’t leave, side on, no eye contact and not engaging. She throws things at me and I ignore this. When she eventually calms I just leave her be. Physical things are helpful for her, so she has a pull up bar, trampoline and hoverboard in the house. I am sure I am teaching you to suck eggs and I can absolutely appreciate that your son is much more extreme. Oh and we also do lots of love bombing type stuff when we can. I take her out as much as poss , again usually physical things - I boulder with her and she likes chopping wood and making fires in the woods or on the beach.

We follow Naomi Fisher on FB who is good.

i know you are doing your absolute best OP. It’s just a day at a time. And you and your DH should try to give each other respite as much as you can. Thinking of you.

I did post on AIBU, it got switched. Thank you for your kind words.

This is a truly awful situation. My 11 year old is on the spectrum with suspected adhd.

My son was horrific to live with at aged 8. He was very similar to your child, but thankfully as he's got older he has calmed down a lot.

No real advice. I just wanted to say you sound as though you have exhausted every option. Please don't let some of these awful posts make you feel as though you have or are doing anything wrong.

I personally would spend the money on a private diagnosis. I'm also a nurse and due backpay too. It will be money well spent as once you have that diagnosis, you'll be able to medicate him. Seems like the least expensive option that may keep you together as a family. I'm on uc as a single parent. As I own my own home I don't get any help towards housing costs, I'd assume that while you own yours you wouldn't get any help either. Is he in receipt of DLA? Could you access some respite services locally to give you all a break? Or alternatively take your youngest on a term time short break (Mon to Fri is always cheaper). If you don't get a break soon you will hit burn out if you haven't already.

And lastly, sending you a massive hug!

The worse in summer could be sign that some of the issue is around sensory overload? Ds hates this time of year and spends most of his time in the dark under his fans!

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM
Who is telling you it isn't worth the paper it is written on? The SENCO, LA?

Is he on his own at home when he is not at school?

How long has he only been attending two sessions per week? What is the LA saying about not meeting his needs. You need to make a complaint to the director of children's services. As if you are appealing the refusal to assess needs they still have a legal duty to provide education to him.

In a good EHCP you can obtain a personal budget to pay for things the school can not provide for example therapy etc. It really will help him, he needs to be moved school ASAP.

CP as in child protection plan? I wish.
Or even a CIN plan would do.

Ive already referred to social care, so have other agencies.

We only just (after initial rejections) got early help key work. There's no way we would get on a plan or have a SW until someone got seriously hurt.
which I'm trying to avoid but moving out.

I'm not sure, he's never mentioned sensory issues to me.
It isn't a trigger that we have been made aware of.

Sounds like he needs to be sectioned under the mental health act. I hope you get help soon. I wish I could offer more practical advice.

If you really have tried everything and have no avenues left, I would report his next crime (violence or damage to property) to the police and press charges. Children between 10 and 17 can be arrested and taken to court if they commit a crime. Once they are 10 or over, they are treated in the same way as any young person under 18 and will be dealt with by the Youth Justice System.

OP I wonder if you can get a direct referral to forensic CAMHS rather than wait? Referral criteria here, I wonder if a GP could do it?

https://www.sussexcamhs.nhs.uk/our-services/service-finder/south-east-fcamhs?open=10260%2C10261#single-accordion-10261

In the meantime, my DD has a complicated mental illness and this is all I get "you could try art therapy", "there's an online mindfulness course" and so on. I don't bother to explain what's wrong with her as I know people literally lose their shit trying to come up with "ideas" but my heart goes out to you. I don't have any advice or answers, just that I understand what you are saying and your proposed solution.

There is absolutely no need to pay £80 an hour for help with an appeal against refusal of assessment. The success rate of those appeals is at least 95% anyway, and that's on the basis that the vast majority of parents do these appeals by themselves. Your advocate should have told you that. I'd suggest you contact SOS SEN or IPSEA instead.

It will be a fight to get a decent quality EHCP, but it's definitely possible. Again, those charities can help with that.

There is a FB group called Pegs which is exactly for this. I have always found them very supportive and able to answer most questions around this issue. It's also a supportive place for parents all going through the same thing.
Hugs to you ❤️

Here! On MN.
maybe I shouldn't listen??

we have the name of the head of LA, I'm about to email, I meant to do it this week but my MH has been on the floor.

if he is on his own during the day, it's only for about an hour before I'm back. I'm trying to WFH as much as possible. DH is likely to leave his job in September because of this very issue. Although how would that work if we lived separately? It wouldn't. 😭

He's been on a reduced time table since the week before Easter half term. So maybe 8-9 weeks? I'd have to look at the academic calendar.

The LA have said there's no room in either tog the other schools nearby. And he outright refuses to go to a special school 🙄

No…you asked for solutions and I’m trying to provide practical advice. If it didn’t work last time, someone here may be able to help with it this time or help work out why it didn’t work.

I guess I’ll not bother trying to help in future :(

This one?
Are people able to post on it? It looks like it's just a page for me to "like" (which I did straight away!)

She did tell me that, but she is incredibly understanding and supportive. I'm so utterly broken that I need someone to tell me what to do, how and when.
I've got no brain power left, no fight, no energy.
Im willing to pay her for this.

You really don't know the law, do you? I suggest you go and check it.

I have never heard of this, and this is the Trust I work in 😱😱😱

So is their aim to get someone sectioned or in a placement?
sorry if I have misunderstood it.

Yes it's really good x

U can join it x I'm on it .

As a very short term thing can you book a night away tomorrow with your youngest? It won’t fix anything but it will hopefully give you both a bit of a break and give you a chance to recharge your batteries.

i know when your in the midst of everything taking time to look after yourself seems impossible but it’s the time it’s the most important- and I say that as someone who ended up on the verge of breakdown because I didn’t look after myself. It is traumatic and it’s fine to ask for help for you.

Thank you.
we do get DLA, we can replace one window per month with it.
Which sounds sarcastic, but it's not, it's something I'm very very grateful to be in receipt of.

Your 1st responsibility is to protect your other children. He sounds severely mentally ill. You need to remove him from your home.

@ADHDDDDDDDBOOM - re forensic CAMHS - I think either? Maybe worth a call?