How do you parent through school (and everything else) refusal?

[ElfinsMum]

DD (11) has anxiety and I have booked her a GP appointment because she seems depressed now too.

Over the last two-four weeks she has told us she wants to give up all but one of her extra curriculars, her regular exercise and school. She says she wants to just stay in her room indefinitely until she feels better.

Obviously we have explained that this will make her feel worse not better. She has had previous crises so she and we know that her world can just shrink and shrink. But she is screaming at us, shouting, hitting out...the works.

We are finding ourselves pushed into being far more authoritarian than we are comfortable with in these stressful conversations/arguments: "You WILL go to school", "You WILL go to sport", "Right now we know what's right for you and you aren't making good choices". I am scared we are damaging our relationship with her but what the hell else can we do??

Thanks @ComplexNeeds I have already had a look at the website and it does resonate but my own crippling fear for her and her future is getting in the way of my parenting 😢

Oh I am so sorry to hear that - we are going through a similar thing with our DS who is 11 and started secondary school this term. There is a whole thread on here about that with some things you may find useful (don’t know how to link to it, but if you see my posts it will come up).

Sorry- thread here (the potentially helpful stuff starts a few comments in) : www.mumsnet.com/talk/secondary/4637762-11-year-old-ds-severe-separation-anxiety-and-secondary-school-struggles-suggestions-for-alternative-london-schools

My DD started to refuse school aged 14; we had years of battling with the school when really we should have concentrated on her mental health. 5 years on she is housebound and has the most debilitating form of OCD. Schools are not equipped to deal with MH issues even if they wanted to. Look at Facebook group NotFineInSchool.

@HangerLaneGyratorySystem does DD have an EHCP? It can include therapies as well as academic provision.

Yes she has an EHCP but she's housebound and unable to function day to day so its not currently in use. Handy to have though of course, wish I'd got one 5 years ago :(

@HangerLaneGyratorySystem The EHCP should still be in use. It sounds like the EHCP isn’t meeting DD’s needs and you need an early review. Even if she is housebound and isn’t able to access academic work there is still provision she could have via an EOTAS package e.g. therapies, equipment, resources, mentor/PA.

Are CAMHS involved?

From her pov and your long term relationship I cannot believe a family counsellor would agree you are doing the right thing being quite so draconian.

Has she had a full assessment? She sounds like adhd or Asd might be a factor? That causes severe anxiety, depression and fuels desire to hide away from the world.

both are often misdiagnosed in females. However dyslexia and other ND traits may also present to the outside world in this way.

In which case your not supporting her will undermine her confidence and feeling of security event further.

This type of mental health break down is also fueling the huge rise in home Ed families. As they decide to rebel against this ridiculous erosion of family mental health and rebuild
Themselves as they need to. Many kids appear to return to school down the road after their families have put them back together again.

Or at least this is what I see on some of the groups I'm on.

Absolutely heart breaking. Either way. You guys need to do what id right for for you.

Follow your gut instinct.

Whatever you do please get a full assessment by real ND : kids mental
Health specialists.