My husband has been diagnosed with bowel cancer and I am struggling

[Flowberry]

Hi, yesterday my DH was told a mass had been found following a colonoscopy that was very certainly cancer. He is 43. He’s had stomach issues for years, but recently they ramped up, lots of bleeding and weight loss. He had several tests done initially and they were all clear, so we really had to push for further investigation. I’m not coping. We have two small children. I’m seeing my GP later today for help so I don’t fall apart.

people keep telling me that bowel cancer is very treatable, but I’m so sorry that the symptoms he’s had and the way the doctor told us that it’s at an advanced stage.

not sure what I’m looking for, a safe space to speak I suppose, and maybe stories from people who have been in a similar situation.

his grandfather died at around 50 from bowel cancer so am not feeling safe enough to try and feel positive.

@Flowberry so sorry to hear that. It is really, really tough.

My story is not good news but I will tell you what I learned this year. DH was diagnosed with metastatic cancer with unknown primary following a bone biopsy in March. At first, he wouldn't tell anyone and we were in a two-person cancer bubble which I found incredibly hard. Eventually, I broke and secretly told someone as I needed support (someone I am close to at work who hasn't met him). He went through 5 cycles of chemotherapy and palliative (i.e. pain relieving) radiotherapy. Things settled for a short while but the poor prognosis was always hanging over us - the median survival for this type of cancer is 4-15 months. I really needed my 'support team' then, and those who did know were great. All of our relatives live in a different country to us. DH deteriorated very quickly from early August onwards and he died last week after two weeks in ICU - he was 62.

My advice - find your tribe; read widely; tell others, including your DH, when you need a break from talking about it; lean on others (my freezer is full of food cooked by friends!); mentally prepare for the worst; put your documents in order - wills, sole name bank accounts, other contracts etc; get DH's log ins for anything/everything; don't assume you have time - we had far, far less than we thought and once the first few days in ICU were done, there was no way DH could support with anything administratively and I was essentially the decision maker, including the Do Not Resuscitate agreement.

I am absolutely traumatised by events of recent weeks. As I imagined in my head, when the moment came DH peacefully slipped away with me by his side. I never in my worst nightmares imagined what would precede that moment.

Sending you hugs and strength, feel free to reach out anytime.

I’m really sorry you and your husband are going through this. I’m a bowel cancer survivor - and mine was rectal cancer too. There’s lots of help available and Facebook groups online if you or your husband want to chat to others - bowel cancer uk have an excellent one with some lovely people in it. The colorectal nurses will be a massive support to you both , they truly are amazing.

i was diagnosed in 2021 with rectal cancer that they thought had spread too. CT scan showed it hadn’t so I had 5 weeks of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. That got rid of the original tumour and I had 2 years on watch and wait with checks every 4 months. The pesky blighter then returned in the same place so I had surgery which has left me with a perfectly manageable permanent colostomy. Surgery showed no lymph node involvement so no further treatment. 3 years on surveillance and I was discharged in July. Rectal Cancer is usually very slow growing so although it was described as locally advanced when it was found it actually hadn’t gone anywhere else.

The experience has been life changing and I now try and make the most of every day. I really hope your husband will be ok. If you are anxious or have questions the colorectal nurses are the people to call. Sending you both lots of love 💐

What a shit update to read, I am so very sorry OP.

I always say that despite it's faults, Mumsnet is great in situations like this. You are not alone, you will be supported here.

Also sorry to the posters above who've experienced heartbreak. It's all so very cruel.

💐

I'm so sorry to hear your news. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 oseophogeal cancer at a similar age. It's a surreal feeling and will take time for you to process. Please feel free to message me if you need any support and I hope the chemotherapy gives you as much time as possible x

I'm so sorry to read that 💐

I am so sorry. A close family member is going through the same thing and it’s awful. Sending you big hugs 🤗

I’m so sorry to read this @Flowberry If you have a Maggies centre at your hospital they will support you both through this, as will Macmillan. Bowel Cancer UK have lots of information on their website too as well as a Facebook group and an online forum. Sending you both massive hugs and I will be thinking about you both 💐

Just deal with today because that is all you can do.
We are here 24/7

I’m so so sorry to hear this news. Sending you all my love and best wishes, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I was diagnosed with Stage 3 rectal cancer in November 2020 and here I am 6 years later living my life normally.
Colon cancer is very treatable these days. Waiting for a treatment plan is unbearable, it truly is the worst part.
Once your husband has a plan of action it gives you something to focus on. It’s a long journey but take it one step at a time.
Wishing you a good outcome.

Hi Flowberry, I’ve been exactly where you are, two tiny kids and stage 4 bowl, except they got DH’s so late chemo was not even offered. He didn’t make it due to this, so please take comfort that they are offering treatment - presumably with a view to later surgery?

I promise you, whatever happens you will be ok, no matter the outcome. We have strength and resources to flourish under the most difficult of circumstances, DM me if you want to.

So sorry to hear the news. A friend of mine was diagnosed stage 4 with the same significant spread. He did manage some holidays and bucket list items amongst the treatment so try and focus on that xxx

You should be covered if you told the insurance that he has IBS and/or having further investigations due to having IBS symptoms. A subsequent cancer diagnosis after the insurance was taken out will be covered for cancellation, provided you had informed them of awaiting tests.
Give them a call and hope everything hope well for him
Sorry literally just scrolled up and saw an update, ignore above if insensitive

I am so sorry for what you and your DH are going through

My DH had a different form of cancer so I don’t have specific advice, other than as previously suggested get your paperwork in order, take lots of notes as my mind would just go blank and get support. I felt bad not being strong for him and so when he was out, I phone the MacMillian support line and cried and vented at the kind and understanding man on the phone who I apologised to so many times. He didn’t try and advise, he just listened and said he was sorry.

it did help hugely and I did profusely thank him.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP xx

So sorry to hear this, sending lots of love

So sorry you’re dealing with this, sending best wishes to you and your DH. I hope they can help in some way, life can be so bloody unfair. What you said about his relative may mean there is a familial connection and it’s worth him finding out about this if possible.

So sorry to hear your update, that must have been so hard to hear.
I just wanted to give you a little hope by directing you to a Facebook page called Travelling Full Time
It’s a husband and wife who travel the world but in 2024 ( I think it was then) the husband had anal cancer and it details about his treatment and extensive surgery and treatment on there. I believe he is taking a break from Chemo and they are currently in Italy. They are also on Tick-tock and YouTube

Oh goodness sorry to read this.

My friend's husband has had a similar diagnosis and he is responding really well to treatment and being put on a drug trial.

I can't imagine how devastated you are, utter turmoil.

Sending you and you family lots of love.

So sorry to hear the news x

So so sorry xx

I’m so sorry to hear your update. I’ve been in a similar position when my partner was diagnosed with brain cancer which was terminal. It is really tough. My thoughts are with you.

I'm so sorry for you and your family

Just to add how sorry I am to hear this.
As others have said, there are online forums and helplines on both the macmillan and bowel cancer uk websites that will put both you and your husband in touch with those who are also going through what you are.

My thoughts are with you.

I am so sorry to hear.
Wishing you both well for treatment ahead.
There are no words .. yours in solidarity