Unfortunately Friday 13th was the worst day of my life. Metastases to the lung and liver.
Three short weeks ago I was feeling absolutely fine but then suddenly overnight my output into my colostomy bag changed. Instead of having to take a daily laxative to get it soft enough I almost needed to take something to thicken it. At first I thought it might just be a bug, or because I've gone back to work and the lab air is really drying. But it didn't change, and they always say that changes in bowel habits need to be looked at. I started chasing for my results but still heard nothing. Then last Sunday night when I went to bed I started to feel a niggling pain in my back which hadn't been there before and my inwards were so noisy and churning. Then Monday night was a little more painful, and Tuesday night more painful still, then I had my first period in 5 months, so maybe nothing to worry about after all. Thursday I sent another more strongly worded email to chase my results. They rang back a few hours later to schedule a face to face appointment for Friday. I knew it was bad then. Too late for my husband to schedule a day off and I didn't want to burden anyone else...stupid I know.
So on Friday I travelled to UCLH alone, wearing a fabulous outfit and all the make-up to try and help compose myself. I cried in Waterstones on Tottenham Court Road, I cried in China Town and in front of a portrait of Charles I in the National Portrait Gallery (not sure how I even ended up there). I rang my mum about a thousand times but she wasn't in, I couldn't call my husband...he has a driving job. I WhatsApped I friend and she and her DH arrived just 2 minutes after I got home. We did have a fabulous night out, a lot of dark humour and too much wine.
But I am broken. A long weekend of telling people but not wanting to talk. I've been desperately wanting to post here as I find it so cathartic but having to hold back as some know me in real life and they haven't been informed yet. I'm sorry if that is you, but I need to put words to a page.
In terms of what happens next, I don't know yet. Oncology appointment should be later this week. I'm so scared of the pain that is to come. And the logistics, I still need a specialist centre and that is UCLH and I'm near Winchester. Not sure how that is going to work.
Today, the sun is shining and I'm determined to enjoy it as much as I can. I shall wear my finest, most fabulous outfits with the expensive boots. I shall get through all my perfumes, and the face creams, eye masks and serums. Use the crystal glasses, burn all the scented candles (not all at once though!) and wear Christmas socks whenever I feel like it. What about you, what are you going to do?
...oh, and my youngest son reckons I'll look fabulous with no hair (if it comes to it). Got the right head shape for it apparently. He's a complete git, but I love him!!
xx