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Cancer

Find advice & support if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer

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Original poster

Husband with terminal cancer- thinking all sorts of awful things that I shouldn’t think:

133 replies

bertomi · 07/10/2025 18:26

Husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer in July 2024. It had already spread and despite 10 chemo sessions plus 6 immunotherapy sessions, he is now with palliative care nurses and we regularly visit our local hospice. My thoughts are that he doesn’t want a long drawn out death but he seems to be rallying as a result of the drugs he is on. He is v v thin but other than that he is better on these drugs. Forgot to mention he has a stoma bag.
I just feel like my life stopped in July 2024 ( how selfish of me to think about my life, I know). His small bowel will block at some point and at that point it is pretty much game over. My issue is … it’s the waiting. The waiting. When is he going to die? When is he going into the hospice? When can we all sort of …. Move on?? Don’t get me wrong, I adore him but I’m teetering on the edge of every day … could it be today??????? Can anyone relate??? Thanks

OP posts:

Yourmumhastwocats · 07/10/2025 18:34

It's fairly normal I think. Whether it's cancer, dementia, or any other terminal condition. You've probably already done a lot of grieving and come to terms with your loss even though he's still here. You will still grieve when he's gone but there will also be relief that it's over, for him as well as yourself. You may feel guilty, as though you wished him gone but that's also normal. Sorry you're going through this. 🌸🌸
Ask to speak to someone at the hospice.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 07/10/2025 18:39

I think it’s completely normal. You can’t live. You can’t move on. You are just waiting for him to die.

and that doesn’t mean you don’t love him, adore him and wish it was different.

but it isn’t. And the waiting is so incredibly hard. Not least because you know it’s going to be horrific when it comes.

CraftyNavySeal · 07/10/2025 18:42

It’s awful isn’t it, I’m sorry.

I was relived when my mum died tbh, I’m sure she felt the same!

Original poster

bertomi · 07/10/2025 18:43

Thank you so much. I definitely need to speak to someone at the Hospice. Thank you again

OP posts:

HildasLostSock · 07/10/2025 18:44

I think you don't want him gone but you want the awfulness to be over - it isn't quite the same thing because if you could improve the situation in any way, you would. What an terrible situation to be in, for all of you. Nothing useful to add but sorry you are going through this x

coravantexel · 07/10/2025 18:46

You are allowed to think whatever you want and please don’t feel guilty about any of your thoughts or feelings.

I am watching a friend go through this and it’s harder than anything else I have ever seen. I am really sorry for what you’re experiencing and I hope you have support to help you.

SparklyGlitterballs · 07/10/2025 18:50

Yes, I can relate OP. My DH had his cancer return in his spine and bones in October 2023. A few weeks later he fractured a vertebrae in his spine when walking the dogs. Obviously this had a detrimental effect on his mobility. There followed months and months of hospital visits, scans, nurses coming in, hospice visits, meds reviews...it seemed never ending and all the while he was getting thinner and weaker. I too would wonder when it would end and how it would end. He eventually died in July last year, aged 59. I knew it was getting close as he was skeletal, was barely eating, and there were certain changes as the cancer had travelled to the lining of his brain. It was awful for him, but it was awful for me and our two young adult DC too. I wouldn't wish either the illness or the caring responsibilities on anyone.

Inthebleakmidwinter1 · 07/10/2025 18:56

I can relate. It makes you feel guilty but it’s a very normal thought I think. It’s an awful thing to go through x

inamo · 07/10/2025 19:02

I think a lot of what you say is about not wanting the loved one to suffer any more. Then you feel guilty for thinking this, but it's normal.

Please do approach the hospice for counselling. Did they offer it yet? Have they given any indication of the timelines here, they usually know relatively accurately.

Sorry for what you, your DH and your family is enduring. Awful bloody disease.

Original poster

bertomi · 07/10/2025 19:02

Thank you all SO much xxx

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 07/10/2025 19:03

My mother had a similar death. I spent just enough time reading up on how my father might react after she died so I would be prepared to not be angry with him when he acted strangely. This was wise because he did act strangely. The long period of knowing it is coming any time is hard on spouses.

if you can find a professional to talk to and make some time for yourself in this, it would be a very good idea. You are not a monster. You are a person being put through the emotional wringer all day every day.

BunfightBetty · 07/10/2025 19:06

I'm so sorry you are both in this situation, OP.

Everything you talk about is very normal. I expect most of your focus revolves around your DH day to day, but I think it would really help if you were able to carve out an hour or two a week to talk to a therapist or counsellor. They can give you a space to express how you feel without judgement. They will have heard it all before and it could give you an outlet for the feelings and a sense that you're not awful to feel how you do and wonder how you do. Just human.

StJulian2023 · 07/10/2025 19:11

Yep it’s awful for you, OP. I spent 3.5 years knowing my DH was dying of brain cancer whilst bringing up our little kids. I adored him but was fairly often ungracious, stressed, silently wished it was over - then missed him desperately and felt so guilty for feeling the normal emotions of someone bearing more than they should. You’re bearing more than you should. Give yourself some grace. Much love.

Original poster

bertomi · 07/10/2025 19:17

@StJulian2023thank you. Thank you for understanding. It means a lot and I’m sorry for what you went through xxx

OP posts:

PauliesWalnuts · 07/10/2025 19:17

My mum died when I was 23 and she was terminal for just under 6 months. I asked myself these questions a lot and was so worried about it I asked to see the councillors at the hospice when my mum went in for respite care and pain control. They said that when you are told someone is terminal you start grieving straightaway - and this is just a normal part of the grieving process.

Big hug from me.

Original poster

bertomi · 07/10/2025 19:18

@BunfightBettyThank you. We’re going to the Hospice tomorrow so I’m going to ask for some help x

OP posts:

Original poster

bertomi · 07/10/2025 19:19

@PauliesWalnutsThank you. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I worry that my thoughts are not normal and I’m somehow not a normal human being

OP posts:

user1471453601 · 07/10/2025 19:20

Please don't feel guilty about what seems to me to be quite normal thoughts, given the circumstances (as if anything is "normal" in your circumstances).

When I was facing a potential life ending diagnosis, lung cancer, I had a lot of thoughts that would be, to say the least, unpalatable to my loved ones.

Things like if I died in service (as a civil servant) my named beneficiary would receive three times my annual salary, so better to stop my moves to actuarily resign, like five years left would be ok(ish), like could I stockpile the pills I was sure I'd get (I did) to ensure a painless death.

I'm one of the very very lucky ones. I survived.

But I know how "dark" my thoughts got. Yet I didnt, and dont, see them as dark. I see them as a rational response to a bloody awful situation.

And I see your thoughts in the same way.

I'm so sorry you and your loved one is facing this. But neither of you have a choice in the matter, you must both face it. A very unmumsnet hug.

saraclara · 07/10/2025 19:20

It's like living a parallel life, while everyone else's life is normal, isn't it?

My late DH also had terminal bowel cancer. When it came to the point of the hospice being involved (he just went there once a week as a day visitor) I was offered counselling, as well as attending a carer's group, while the hospice provided someone to be with him at home.

Both gave me be the change to talk openly and not be judged. So please ask your hospice staff if they can provide either or both of these for you.

whataweekImhaving · 07/10/2025 19:21

Ponderingwindow · 07/10/2025 19:03

Can I ask, in what way did you father act strangely?

whataweekImhaving · 07/10/2025 19:24

@bertomiim so sorry.

it’s just awful. But I think the way you are feeling is very common.

it’s certainly how I have felt with family members.

you don’t want them to die, but you also don’t want them to linger and suffer.

it’s awful.

how old is your DH?

Original poster

bertomi · 07/10/2025 19:26

@whataweekImhavingHe is 54 so very young

OP posts:

QuickPeachPoet · 07/10/2025 19:26

The limbo phase is awful OP. I remember it so well with my gran. You want it to end but at the same time you want to hang on.
What you are feeling is so normal.

MeganM3 · 07/10/2025 19:27

Make some time for yourself, have some space from caring and don’t feel guilty for needing to be your own person sometimes.
I knew a couple and it was really sad, the woman cared for her husband who had cancer for about 7 years. It kept coming back. He sadly died and she grieved for quite a while then stared loving life again. To then get a breast cancer diagnosis herself and it had already spread. She decided not to have treatment and did pass away within 18 months, maybe less. I can’t help but think life is short for ALL of us and we never know what’s around the corner so don’t stop living. You need to do things you enjoy, that further your development potential, even while losing and grieving… if you possibly can.

Flinderskleepers · 07/10/2025 19:31

I'm another one who's going to say it normal to feel Iike this! When my dad was dying from cancer, it's spread to his brain and the last few weeks of his life were extremely hard work. His whole character changed and he was very nasty to my poor mum (completely not normal behaviour), went from being a super smart man to someone that could barely string a sentence together, couldn't manage forks and knives or getting dressed or even putting one foot in front of the other to walk. It was brutal to see. In a strange way, when he finally did pass, it was easier than I expected as I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders and just got on with life. A few months after the funeral I did start to struggle with the fact that I managed to move on so quickly and I was having trouble accepting thoughts like these, but with time and a little bit of help with a therapist, I've managed to make sense of it all.

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