Cancer corkers - the crap things people say

[PaperbackWrighter]

I don't want to diss my lovely friends, family and acquaintances (too much!!) but I've collected a fair few cancer corkers in only about 7 weeks since diagnosis with breast cancer!! Wondering what others have heard... Here, I'll start us off...

[Friend week after my breast cancer diagnosis] "I'm doing the Zoe app and I've been reading about bowel cancer - weight loss is a major symptom. I think you need to get tested for bowel cancer too."

"Oh you poor thing. My partner died of lung cancer." [I have breast cancer!]

Day after MRI. "Haven't heard anything so assume no news isn't necessarily good news?"

"Stay positive." "Keep strong." "Take one day at a time."

I'm a grumpy old git but I had to get it out!!!

I've only read a couple of pages of this thread so far but will go back and read the rest. I already recognise a few comments and probably anything I've heard, something similar has been heard by many of us.

Like many of you I've had several people immediately tell me of people they've known who died of breast cancer. I know these people have obviously had their own personal and emotional journey with the disease so I kind of get it, but besides the fact that I was already feeling scared, it felt like I wasn't allowed to have my own cancer be about me for even 5 seconds and still had to make comforting sounds to others while going through all that.

Recently one friend had a horrible stomach upset and did feel terrible - but she said to me in very serious tones "I know what you went through with chemo now - I get it." Had to bite my tongue not to say "Oh really? How many months have you had it for? How many blood transfusions have you needed? And urgent magnesium infusions before your heart conks out completely? Did it cause hair loss?"

Maybe I should stop biting my tongue with people.

One friend asked how I'd used my time during chemo. It was said in quite a judgemental tone as if I'd been deliberately lazy to not be productive during that time. By the end of chemo I couldn't stand up out of bed for more than a few seconds as I was so weak.

I will say that an acquaintance who knows about my cancer asked me how I was, in an earnest meaningful way, when I saw her recently.

It meant a lot as not many friends are any more, they think I'm all ok now.

I'm still waiting first annual mri which has unleashed a lot of emotions and dealing with the side effects of hormonal treatment, which will be for another 4 years at least.

The how are yous I get I just have to lie when I'm not feeling that great. I'm alive which is very much appreciated.

DH is confused as he has chronic illness and is used to me nursing him and him being the ill one, he tells every HCP we come across (for my cancer) about his illness and how he knows every hospital, blood test, etc.

A horrid ex-boss told me repeatedly how her best friend died of cancer (very obvious sub text…she wished I had died instead), she knew EVERYTHING about cancer, treatment and symptoms because of her friend having another cancer, years ago, in another country.

The same horrid ex-boss with another ex-colleague said I was lying about having cancer as I still had hair (around my hairline a lot of my hair had visibly fallen out).

Many people told me to try CBD, my oncologist had already warned me about that.

Best friend more or less blanked me, she couldn’t cope as both her parents were also being treated for cancer in another country. I was surprised as she always seemed such a strong person but of course everyone has their tender spots.

Having to tell people I am ‘fine just a bit tired’ when I feel like absolute shit so that they don’t worry, then they think I am lazy and or rude for not wanting to go for a hike / night out / help them move house.

"Oh my mum/ sister in law had that and they're fine" dismissively

I have rather aggressive stage 3 melanoma, spread via lymph nodes, lymph node removal which has caused numerous complications, and I failed chemo because my body couldn't tolerate it and it gave me sepsis. Now on 3 monthly scans and bloods for the forseeable to watch for any more spread.
But yeah sure it's the same as having a mole lopped off then the all clear.

I was accused of lying about having cancer because I didn't lose my hair. 🙄

Some people are just plain stupid.what and awful thing to say to someone.

Yes I hate that one too - because they know someone who was absolutely fine the assumption is I will be too. Maybe I will be, but nobody knows, and it feels dismissive like you say.

Also, I'd like to ban the word 'positive' - especially when it's used as an instruction: 'Be positive' etc. I read somewhere, probably on here, that cancer is the one thing where people get told how they should feel rather than being listened to when they're asked how they feel. Very true I thought!

Sorry to hear about your situation @Bearpawk and wishing all best for you xx

Can I just say though, saying something a bit crap or along the 'be positive' line is usually better than saying nothing or making no contact - a hundred times over! I called one friend back in July to tell her about it pre my surgery. She was nice on the call, even offering me to come and recuperate after at her seaside home. Never heard another thing since, almost 4 months on. No text to ask how the surgery went, or what treatment I'd be having after. Nada. Definitely off the xmas card list!

Reading these and recognising them and wanting to give everyone a big hug.

Agree that - on the whole - someone saying the wrong thing is much better than someone disappearing or Even ignoring that you have cancer.

At a post lumpectomy checkup with my breast surgeon, he complained because I was wearing an ugly bra (which it was, a flesh coloured brallette thing), and said I should be wearing something more attractive as he had done such a good job on my breast.

Oh my god 🤮I'm so sorry he said such a stupid thing when you were at such a vulnerable time - or at any time would have been horrible anyway.

@Upthejunctionandroundthebend
How revolting and creepy - that's reportable I reckon. Arsehole.

My mother. Saw her last week days after chemo. Spoke to her tonight. “Has your consultant told you to lose weight and be healthier?” “I liked your her short (bald)”

she’s never liked me much tbf😀

@EachandEveryone Ugh - so sorry 💐It's a shame you can't rely on your own mother for some kindness at a time like this. I didn't even tell my mother I had cancer (live in a different country to her so easier to hide it). I felt so stressed worrying she'd say similar things to your mother or make it completely about her. Good luck with your chemo and treatment in general - hope it's as ok as possible and hope you have some other (better) support around you.

Got a taxi home from hospital the other day and he was awful. Started by asking me if I was patient or working which was ok but then started telling me how there is some conspiracy going on because the number of people who have cancer doesn’t make sense and that treatment for cancer kills loads of people.

I should have ignored him after that but he asked me what tyype of cancer I have and I told him then he proceeds to ask me if I’ve had “the whole thing” cut off with accompanying gestures in regards to my breast cancer.

I pretended to answer my phone after that and then stared at window.

I also came down with a nasty cold a few days later which was probably the hospital waiting room but in my mind that was him too!

Gosh I’d like to say I’d complain but I’d probably just seethe. I’m sorry that happened to you

Yes another one. The cab picking me up from the hospital was like a mini bus and I had a struggle getting my swollen leg up. The driver said oh come, even disabled people can manage it.

When my 2 year old DS had cancer:

"You're lucky it's only leukaemia".

"He looks really well!" when horribly anaemic and needing another blood transfusion.

"Does he really still need to be on treatment - after all his hair has grown back."

To me recently:

"So you don't actually have cancer in your body any more." After surgeries to remove cancer and lymph nodes - even before lab results were back - and waiting to start a year of further treatment.

"Immunotherapy is wonderful these days - you'll be fine!" from an acquaintance who is a GP but knew nothing about the specifics of my case.

When I told my MIL I have to have a mastectomy due to multifocal tumours in my right breast:

"Well you've had lots of experience with padded bras" (I'm a B cup) "so you'll be fine with a prosthesis thingy".

It's funny how when you're not well endowed, some people assume that you'd be fine with losing a boob as it's so small anyway

I had a call from my gp to sort out an admin thing yesterday he said”you’re doing very well!” To which I replied:

”actually I’m in hospital being treated for sepsis.”

I don’t know why people keep congratulating me on how chipper I sound. I’m hardly going to answer phone calls wailing for the whole period of treatment.

Fucking furious with fake and nosy people!

I've just been diagnosed with my 4th ( yes that's right, 4th!!) cancer.

Colleague at work ( the kind of person who says let me know if I can do anything/ call me if you want to rant etc ) says to me ( when I briefly explain I will be on hair losing treatment )

" who needs hair anyway?"
" think of the time you will save in the morning".
" scarves and wigs rock""

WTAF?? She never picks up the phone, so I couldn't " rant" if I wanted to, she is vain about her own hair and hasn't bothered to see how I've coped with the previous cancer!

I wish these fake people would just do one!

It amazes me how crass some people can be.
That's a whole new level of stupidity to say things like that.

DH and I have decide to live apart and I believe we will separate; my cancer has just been too much for him.

He also keeps saying he’ll be there for appointments and to give me a lift etc. which is very sweet but I can’t really believe it, first of all he is so often drunk that relying on him for a lift would be utterly stupid.

As the previous poster says, hollow words mean nothing and can be pretty frustrating.

Yes, hollow words, with no substance or real meaning.

@AnnaDelvorkina do you have support IRL? I hope so. 🌺