Cancer corkers - the crap things people say

[PaperbackWrighter]

I don't want to diss my lovely friends, family and acquaintances (too much!!) but I've collected a fair few cancer corkers in only about 7 weeks since diagnosis with breast cancer!! Wondering what others have heard... Here, I'll start us off...

[Friend week after my breast cancer diagnosis] "I'm doing the Zoe app and I've been reading about bowel cancer - weight loss is a major symptom. I think you need to get tested for bowel cancer too."

"Oh you poor thing. My partner died of lung cancer." [I have breast cancer!]

Day after MRI. "Haven't heard anything so assume no news isn't necessarily good news?"

"Stay positive." "Keep strong." "Take one day at a time."

I'm a grumpy old git but I had to get it out!!!

Thank you @tothelefttotheleft and @YesIamahippie81 I always worry I’ve said the wrong thing.

And another thing while I’m on a rant:

No, I cannot just ‘put it behind me’. Not yet I can’t. I may be fortunate enough to do that in time, but the recurrence rate and physical and emotional impact of treatment mean it’s still with me.

Im the opposite actually. I hate it when my friends don't tell me their own issues. Treat me normally. I'm still your friend

Often it is about them. Their fears and problems are just as valid as mine going through cancer treatment
I don't dwell on my treatment at all. Barely give it headspace. I know everyone is different but it works for me.

A couple of my friends started getting teary eyed when I told them about my stage IV diagnosis. I did have the urge to leap in and hug/comfort them, but continued to sit across them with what I hoped was a sympathetic expression (fortunately with a restaurant table between us and not sitting right beside each other) and let them compose themselves before going back to the conversation. It was fine, they can have an emotional reaction, which quite possibly may not have been entirely based on me (eg thinking of another relative with cancer), but I don’t think it’s necessarily my job to reassure them.

Off topic: I’ve been thinking about your questions @AinmEile , @Andthereitis , @Arcadia , @Barnabyby , @Blutopia , @Insertcreativenamehere , @LindaMo2 , @MaroonedinWales and @showeringthisaft on an example of a comment that I appreciated.

I got this from a friend yesterday via email. Obviously responses are subjective but I liked what she said:

“Thank you so much for sharing what you’re going through with me. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been so far and I’m sorry you have to go through it all. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that the X therapy does its job and that your symptoms improve.”

I do agree with you that 95% of the time it's better to say something clumsy rather than say nothing. But for me, and many of us I suspect, being 'well intentioned' simply doesn't cut it. Something may be well intentioned but end up causing real harm and distress.

Sure, my friend who rang me up to suggest I get a bowel cancer test a week after my first-ever cancer diagnosis for breast cancer, because she was in the middle of preparing a stool sample for the Zoe app and had been reading all about bowel cancer, was well intentioned (she didn't want me to have bowel cancer). But her complete lack of thought and empathy was jaw dropping.

My first reaction was ice cold fear spreading over my body. I asked her to stop as she was upsetting me and changed the subject. Afterwards, I called a helpline, I called a friend who's a doctor and eventually some hours later achieved some peace about it. So well intentioned isn't enough, people also need to just think for a moment, what would I feel like in this situation? Would I like that said to me?

I’ve had that one too. I’ve got small boobs and I’ve had 3 people joke about how I should argue to get implants in both.

Pity brain cell boosters weren't a thing.
Honestly some people are just so dense.

Yes. People keep trying to say to me they hope this is soon a memory to me and it’ll all be done. It’s well intentioned but it actually just serves to remind me they are going to put me on drugs for at least 10 years and reconstruction surgery isn’t going to make me look normal and is likely to have a 2 year waiting list.

😂 I need to see these eyes now! But just wanted to say, I was nearly 90kg when I started chemo and lost 40kg from a combo of sickness & gvhd of the gut (from bonemarrow transplant) - I often think thank goodness I had the weight to lose in the first place.

@Maddy70 I didn’t express myself effectively, apologies.

My irritation occurs when I’m asked how I am specifically regarding cancer, and then feel unheard and/or get some tripe. Generally, my preference is to talk about anything but, and I v rarely initiate. (Except with long suffering husband). I LOVE not talking about my BC.

I endeavour to be there for family and friends, good times and bad, listening to their problems and being supportive. I too would hate it if my nearest and dearest felt they couldn’t share their issues with me.

This thread has helped me clarify some of my thoughts and feelings about others’ responses. I’m more able to acknowledge disappointment with one in person in particular, and overwhelming gratitude for wonderful , empathetic support from family, good friends, colleagues and neighbours.

Thanks to @PaperbackWrighter for starting it, apologies for getting all serious on what you intended to be lighthearted

I knew someone who's son died aged six from a brain tumour. On of his mother's so-called friends rang her and if they could have the boys scalextric😱

Unbelievable! I’ve immediately distanced myself from people like this including aforementioned friend .. Some people are so self absorbed .. there is no comparison!

Firstly, I'm so sorry about your diagnosis. Wishing you back to full health as speedily & smoothly as possible.

When my five y/o DS had lymphoma, a family friend's DH asked "are you SURE he has cancer, because if he hasn't the chemotherapy will be very bad for him"

When we were in a caff, someone commented (genuinely) how cool his "skin-head" hair cut was, when it was 2 month re-growth after chemo.

There are LOADS more. Some amusing, others downright insulting.

Holy fuck....who would do that.

Diagnosed in January I have had all the comments but try not to take them to heart,they mean well and the best news is I have been given the all clear,mastectomy but no chemotherapy or radiotherapy.

My GP said the same to me,same treatment as you,mastectomy but no chemotherapy or radiotherapy needed,so she was correct.

I had a few:

oh you have cancer, my mum died of that.

I’ve just heard that you have cancer, I’m currently a rep for ?!## and have some products that would be great for you (I had at least 4 “friends” see me as a sales opportunity).

After telling my friend I was going to have to have a hysterectomy my (then pregnant) friend told me that she didn't want her baby as she had just found out it was a boy and she would prefer a girl.

As I was being wheeled out of hospital having just had a hysterectomy my sister told me that she was pregnant and then proceeded to do a fashion show of my maternity clothes in front of me asking my opinion on how they looked on her (she found out on the Thursday and was wearing my clothes on the Saturday) she was approx 4 weeks pregnant.

My surgeon promised me that he wouldn't take my ovaries, when I came round from my operation his words were “bad news….! I took your ovaries” after his initial words I was just glad that it wasn't...you’re going to die. He should not have taken them, he didn't have consent and there was nothing wrong with them - I was unable to have the fertility treatment I had planned as a result

Im speechless

The rep thing.... yes!

It's ok ill listen to my doctor not a salesperson thanks

@SaphiraBlue im so sorry. I’ve had issues with my surgeon but nothing on the scale of that. That must have been devastating. What was his explanation?

From a doctor not actually involved in my surgery decisions : ”you will likely have a mastectomy as you haven’t got enough breast tissue worth conserving”

(That may have been true but there are more sensitive ways to say you have small boobs!)

@aodirjjd Indeed there are more tactful ways to put it!

When discussing the need for cavity shave after lumpectomy didn’t get clear margins I asked if I was heading for a mastectomy. Surgeon asked what bra size I wore, 32D I replied.

His response was Gosh! You disguise that well! Hmm, that probably gives us enough for another go.

I thought it was inappropriate. I guess he thought it was all in a day’s work

@SaphiraBlue So sorry. Devastating for you.

During the operation my lymph nodes burst, confirming that the cancer had spread. He contacted the oncologist who recommended taking everything out.

When I spoke to the oncologist, I asked him if he had been told that I had not consented and had planned for fertility treatment after the operation. He told me he had not been told and when I asked him would this have changed his recommendation, he said yes, without a doubt.

He made sure to write on my notes that he had not been given all the information and would not have suggested removal of ovaries.