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Cancer

Find advice & support if you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer

Cancer corkers - the crap things people say

334 replies

PaperbackWrighter · 06/08/2024 15:54

I don't want to diss my lovely friends, family and acquaintances (too much!!) but I've collected a fair few cancer corkers in only about 7 weeks since diagnosis with breast cancer!! Wondering what others have heard... Here, I'll start us off...

[Friend week after my breast cancer diagnosis] "I'm doing the Zoe app and I've been reading about bowel cancer - weight loss is a major symptom. I think you need to get tested for bowel cancer too."

"Oh you poor thing. My partner died of lung cancer." [I have breast cancer!]

Day after MRI. "Haven't heard anything so assume no news isn't necessarily good news?"

"Stay positive." "Keep strong." "Take one day at a time."

I'm a grumpy old git but I had to get it out!!!

OP posts:
aodirjjd · 10/08/2024 09:28

@SaphiraBlue that’s reallt awful I’m so sorry. I have never wanted children so didn’t opt for fertility treatment when offered. But it was still strange to have that door shut behind me. I can’t imagine how upsetting it would be for something like that to shatter your plans.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 10/08/2024 11:47

Kiztittumne · 06/08/2024 17:25

I can relate @PaperbackWrighter , I hated being told how I should think.The ‘you have to stay positive’ comments were the worse. When you’ve just been told you have cancer, where’s the positive in that?

To be fair, I think many people are scared shitless by the word cancer and they have no idea what to say. I told a friend of mine and she didn’t speak to me for six months.

Years ago a really good friend of mine called me and told me she had cancer.
Due to the losses I’ve already experienced, plus I was in a bad place with anxiety and depression I didn’t do very well as a friend to her. I knew she had other friends doing what ‘should’ have been done but I made arrangements to go and see her and I’d not go. I’d message last minute with an excuse about my (at the time) toddler. I felt so guilty yet I did it more than once. I just couldn’t see her and I didn’t have the courage to just tell her how I felt because she was the one who was sick.
We didn’t speak for years.
I couldn’t see her. I couldn’t acknowledge the fact that my good friend had cancer because of the losses I’d already suffered.

Took me years to understand (and forgive myself because it ate me up for years after), that it was because of my mental health that I acted the way I did.

Maybe it’s similar for your friend?

aodirjjd · 10/08/2024 12:21

I don’t really get the “this is why people are scared to say the wrong thing” if you don’t know what to say that is fine. Tell them that ou are very sorry and you don’t know what else to say. People have said that tonnes to me and it’s absolutely fine and especially when I was first diagnosed I kept saying “I know I don’t know what to say either it’s so surreal”.

taxguru · 10/08/2024 16:50

aodirjjd · 10/08/2024 12:21

I don’t really get the “this is why people are scared to say the wrong thing” if you don’t know what to say that is fine. Tell them that ou are very sorry and you don’t know what else to say. People have said that tonnes to me and it’s absolutely fine and especially when I was first diagnosed I kept saying “I know I don’t know what to say either it’s so surreal”.

Exactly this. As I said upthread, I just say something like "Sorry to hear that, if there's ever anything I can do, let me know" and leave it at that and get on with other conversation.

Some people feel that they have to go on and on with stupid anecdotes etc and the sufferer just doesn't want to hear it.

Keep it short and simple and try to carry on as normal.

PaperbackWrighter · 14/08/2024 12:20

I had an awful one the other day from a 'friend' in my road. She proceeded to talk about a mutual local friend of ours who is terminally ill. "I probably shouldn't say this but apparently she wants it to be over now. I must admit maybe I'd feel the same if I were in her shoes. You don't know, do you?"

I promptly told her that that sort of stuff was a bit too close to the bone for me to even think about.

"Oh no, but you're different. So many people recover from your kind of cancer."

Just f&ck off! (Which I didn't say of course.)

OP posts:
GrannyGoggles · 14/08/2024 13:35

@PaperbackWrighter Ouch! ‘Well intentioned’, maybe. Insensitive, definitely.

I think you are in early stages of this shit show? Recently diagnosed and waiting for treatment to begin? It’s a particularly trying time. I know I was hypersensitive and hyper vigilant. Dissonance between what is said or intended and what you hear clangs

It’s tough, all you can do is to keep trudging through and taking care of yourself as best you can.

ShrubRose · 14/08/2024 14:06

Very sorry you are hearing this kind of thing@PaperbackWrighter . You certainly don't need it on top of everything else you're coping with.

PaperbackWrighter · 14/08/2024 14:41

GrannyGoggles · 14/08/2024 13:35

@PaperbackWrighter Ouch! ‘Well intentioned’, maybe. Insensitive, definitely.

I think you are in early stages of this shit show? Recently diagnosed and waiting for treatment to begin? It’s a particularly trying time. I know I was hypersensitive and hyper vigilant. Dissonance between what is said or intended and what you hear clangs

It’s tough, all you can do is to keep trudging through and taking care of yourself as best you can.

I should probably add the context that I've often found her to be slightly gossipy about the mutual friend's illness. So it annoyed me even more therefore, and I should probably have said when she said 'I probably shouldn't tell you this...' - 'Please don't then!'. She knows her much better and I don't think she should have been sharing such personal information about how this friend feels about end of life. But then of course the insensitivity of discussing with someone else with a cancer diagnosis.

Yes, I'm in the early stages, 2 weeks post surgery of lumpectomy without node clearance, other than sentinel node (but took about 6 weeks from diagnosis to that point with additional tests needed etc). I'm sure I'm going to hear a lot more well-meaning, insensitive shit and will probably get more used to it! Or just avoid certain characters who are repeat offenders!

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PaperbackWrighter · 14/08/2024 14:48

Thank you @ShrubRose; some people are just the proverbial bull in a china shop and don't engage brain before speaking. I guess it's fear and/or the unreality of it for them. My dad died suddenly when I was 29 and I found it a lot among friends and acquaintances then. As I grew older, I wondered if it had been about their age at the time. Now I know it doesn't make that much of a difference. Some people just struggle to know what to say in tough circumstances. But it sure is disappointing sometimes🙁

OP posts:
HoldMyLatte · 14/08/2024 18:27

GrannyGoggles · 14/08/2024 13:35

@PaperbackWrighter Ouch! ‘Well intentioned’, maybe. Insensitive, definitely.

I think you are in early stages of this shit show? Recently diagnosed and waiting for treatment to begin? It’s a particularly trying time. I know I was hypersensitive and hyper vigilant. Dissonance between what is said or intended and what you hear clangs

It’s tough, all you can do is to keep trudging through and taking care of yourself as best you can.

I know what you mean - i'm nearly 20 years in remission now, mine was when I was a teenager but I remember being so, so oversensive in the beginning.

Of course people do say some crap someone, not to belittle anyone's experience. But, I remember someone bringing me a magazine in hospital a few days after I was diagnosed and it was like Closer or Heat something like that, and there was a soap actress on the front and the headline was something like "How my hair went from drab to fab!". And I just thought, how dare you have the audacity to have hair? How dare you flaunt your hair in a magazine when I'm going to be losing mine 😂

NoraLuka · 14/08/2024 18:41

DM, aunties and grandma all had breast cancer quite young, as a result I’ve had to have scans every 2 years since I was 35. I hate the scans even though I know they’re for my own good, it’s scary driving down to the hospital to find out if I’ve got the disease that killed my Mum. I can’t talk about it to anyone because they just say keep positive and it’s treatable and if you tell them to stop talking shit you’re the baddie!

I do race for life every year and they do a speech every time about fighters and being brave and I just cannot listen to it. What about the ones who died, did they not fight?

I’m guilty of telling a friend with breast cancer how lovely her hair looked, when it was a wig. So embarrassed but it was a beautiful colour and style and she said she didn’t mind because I meant it, I wasn’t just trying to be nice.

tothelefttotheleft · 14/08/2024 19:56

NoraLuka · 14/08/2024 18:41

DM, aunties and grandma all had breast cancer quite young, as a result I’ve had to have scans every 2 years since I was 35. I hate the scans even though I know they’re for my own good, it’s scary driving down to the hospital to find out if I’ve got the disease that killed my Mum. I can’t talk about it to anyone because they just say keep positive and it’s treatable and if you tell them to stop talking shit you’re the baddie!

I do race for life every year and they do a speech every time about fighters and being brave and I just cannot listen to it. What about the ones who died, did they not fight?

I’m guilty of telling a friend with breast cancer how lovely her hair looked, when it was a wig. So embarrassed but it was a beautiful colour and style and she said she didn’t mind because I meant it, I wasn’t just trying to be nice.

You should email and say that to the race for life people. It makes me so cross.

aodirjjd · 15/08/2024 07:32

I said to my dad I was more upset at he idea of ten years of endocrine treatment and ovarian suppression I was facing than the chemo and he told me not to worry I’ll get used to taking a tablet every day! It’s not the bloody tablets I’m bothered about it’s what the tablet does!

Temporarynameforthisone · 20/08/2024 12:08

I have children aged 5,7 and 9 and have been diagnosed with breast cancer, HUGE shock. Obviously I’m petrified and will have chemo so really scared and upset about it all.

I thought the time was right to let people know and also to warn people I will lose my hair. I messaged two close family members and one replied with “xx will speak to you as soon as she feels able but she’s too upset at the moment”. Xx then went on holiday, came back and still didn’t message. I then saw her at a family birthday and she said “We should go shopping for wigs! I love shopping! It will be fun!”

Rockschooldropout · 20/08/2024 13:53

One of my friends said .. when I said I was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago - “you can have a nice boob job and a tummy tuck “ 🙄

Ifeelthesameway · 20/08/2024 14:37

Tooty78 · 06/08/2024 17:56

The nurse who was in the room when I was given my breast cancer diagnosis, said "Of all of the breast cancers, yours in the best one to have".
I thought "Wtf"? In hindsight she was right, as I had NICIS fortunately caught in time. Granted I had to have a mastectomy, but no chemo, radiotherapy not even Tamoxifen.
That was 20 odd years ago, but I can still remember my reaction!

Wasn’t she trying to reassure you though?

Knittedfairies2 · 20/08/2024 15:59

Someone told me I didn't have 'real' breast cancer because I didn't need chemo; just a lumpectomy and radiotherapy.

librarian55 · 22/08/2024 19:07

From my (now) EX-H, who had been working abroad and didn't bother to come home until 6 weeks after my operation to remove bowel cancer, walked into the house and said "Is that it? Are you all better now?"

PaperbackWrighter · 22/08/2024 19:56

librarian55 · 22/08/2024 19:07

From my (now) EX-H, who had been working abroad and didn't bother to come home until 6 weeks after my operation to remove bowel cancer, walked into the house and said "Is that it? Are you all better now?"

😱Im so glad he's now your ex!

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Opentooffers · 25/08/2024 23:30

I hate the " oh, you're so brave" - BS, you have no choice but to try and deal and get on with it 🙄

Caerthynna · 25/08/2024 23:59

I think someone said it here before, or maybe I saw a meme. I’ve always wanted to say “I’m not brave. I’m just adapting to whatever new level of hell is coming.”

taxguru · 26/08/2024 11:50

Caerthynna · 25/08/2024 23:59

I think someone said it here before, or maybe I saw a meme. I’ve always wanted to say “I’m not brave. I’m just adapting to whatever new level of hell is coming.”

That's very similar to how my OH dealt with his diagnosis.

He's always been a "get on with it" kind of person rather than a "tea and sympathy" kind. He doesn't consider himself brave a tall - he considers it a practical necessity to keep going, do all he can to keep himself as healthy as possible to fight off infections, etc.

Ever since he was diagnosed, he's been very practical and pragmatic. It's keeping him going and keeping him sane. He was given 18 months to live and is currently six years post diagnosis and still going strong and living a pretty normal life.

One of the ways he copes is that he takes a great interest in his condition and has done loads of personal research as to the side effects of the various drugs he has to take, making copious notes of how he feels, side effects, etc. in a kind of daily diary, which he alleviates by taking different drugs at specific times of the day to see if he can reduce the side effects, which he's been very successful at doing. He's also very proactive with his oncologist and has "tweaked" the drugs and doses, sometimes against the oncologist's wishes, such as asking to reduce the dose of a particular drug when his research has discovered lower doses available (for some reason, the oncologist always starts him on the highest dose of each new drug, which usually causes terrible side effects, so they end up "negotiating" either a lower dose or to take a drug ever two days instead of every day, etc. He also asks for a full printout of his monthly blood test results so he can plot his own readings to see for himself what markers are going up, doing down, staying steady, etc., which also helps him when discussing doses with the oncologist.

He's basically taken control of it himself. So far, it's working well. Luckily the oncologist is very amenable to adding/removing/changing drugs. As I say, he's living a pretty normal life as far as possible. It's his way of coping. A lot of that comes from his oncologist and special cancer nurses not being fully open and upfront about how the condition progresses and how it will ultimately kill him - when he asked at first, the responses were very woolly to say the least, so he went and researched it for himself, so he knows exactly how it progresses, the kind of damage it's doing, what it will lead to, i.e. organ failure, potential other fatal consequences such as infections that the body won't be able to fight against, etc.

As awful as it sounds, now he knows chapter and verse about how it progresses and how it will likely end, he's a lot "happier". I know some people prefer to live in ignorant bliss, but as I say, my OH has always been practical and a "stiff upper lip" kind of person, and that's how he's coping. Rather than adopting a head in the sand approach, he's meeting it all head on and planning for the inevitable.

As for dealing with other peoples' comments and sympathy. From day 1, he decided not to tell anyone! Simples. No one can make silly comments or give unwanted sympathy if they don't know he's got cancer. It's not easy as friends/family sometimes think it's odd that he won't go to big family occasions, parties etc (due to risk of infection), but it's his life (and his death!) and he has the right to do what he wants to. It's hard for me, but I fully support his decision.

Angrymum22 · 26/08/2024 11:59

Caerthynna · 25/08/2024 23:59

I think someone said it here before, or maybe I saw a meme. I’ve always wanted to say “I’m not brave. I’m just adapting to whatever new level of hell is coming.”

When I was going through it bravery was the last thing on my mind. It was the scariest thing I’ve been through and to be fair it will always be scary.
Despite all the reassurance and stats, I know that there is still a chance it will come back and that I’m slightly more at risk of other cancers. I don’t allow myself to think about it too often but it is impossible not to occasionally.
This is why I hate it when people say “ but you’re cured now”.

taxguru · 26/08/2024 12:12

@Angrymum22

This is why I hate it when people say “ but you’re cured now”.

I agree. Not only is it always going to be in the back of your mind that it may come back.

But there are also the often life long implications of the damage it's caused not only by the cancer itself but by the long term consequences of chemotherapy and other "treatments", which may always be with the sufferer, i.e. tiredness, susceptibility to infections, anxiety, etc.

Angrymum22 · 26/08/2024 12:31

taxguru · 26/08/2024 12:12

@Angrymum22

This is why I hate it when people say “ but you’re cured now”.

I agree. Not only is it always going to be in the back of your mind that it may come back.

But there are also the often life long implications of the damage it's caused not only by the cancer itself but by the long term consequences of chemotherapy and other "treatments", which may always be with the sufferer, i.e. tiredness, susceptibility to infections, anxiety, etc.

Absolutely, I take Anastrazole, it’s a really tiny white tablet, I call it my do or die tablet. The side effects are debilitating, not all the time, but I battle on with them because it significantly lowers the risk of it returning. However, it will really piss me off if it doesn’t work😂