Group of 30 from DD's school lured her to the park to attack, mug, and humiliate her

[user1468352691]

I'm absolutely going out of my mind with worry and my daughter is hysterical and is refusing to come out of her room, and is refusing to go to school tomorrow. I want to phone the police but she is begging me not to, so I need advice from my fellow mums of teens.

So, a bit of backstory. My daughter is 14, and started a new school 6 months ago. She fitted in extremely well at first, and befriended some of the girls from the "popular" clique. She was out nearly every day after school and at the weekends, they'd go into town or each others houses. I was thrilled because in her previous school she had always been left out, we moved school so she could have a fresh start, and it worked, so I though at the time.

Around a month ago, DD went into school and suddenly this group blanked her. The "clique" consists of around 30 people in her year, and is a mix of boys and girls. DD had (and still doesn't know) what she did to trigger this. In the weeks that followed, only one girl from the clique was still "friends" with her, and she claimed she had also been blanked by the clique. This was a lie as we'd later find out. On Friday, DD got a text from the friend asking if she wanted to meet up at the park and get something to eat in town afterwards. DD thought her and this girl were best friends, so she agreed.

DD walked to the park, and she says the friend was waiting for her at the gates, and told her "I have something amazing to show you.", and led her to the other end of the park. What awaited her, were 30 kids from her year standing in the field. She says the majority of the "clique" were there. They ran up to her, took pictures of her, hit her, pulled her hair and took her phone. The ones that weren't attacking her stood and watched, while laughing and filming. After they'd left (the attack lasted at least half an hour my DD said) she ran home and told me what happened. She's been locked up in her room most of the weekend and I let her miss school Monday and today, that may have been the wrong move but I couldn't bear the thought of going through that again.

I know I need to send her back to school tomorrow and we are both sick to our stomachs at the thought, but we already had the LEA on our backs a few months ago when we went on holiday for a week during term time. I wish I could just keep her safe at home for the rest of the year. I don't know what to do :(

I second NOT deregistering her. The LEA have responsibility to educated her and if you deregister, they lose that responsibility. Sat the moment the LEA have a responsibly to find your DD alternative options. This might involve tutors or providing a taxi elsewhere

also given hat you dont (surely)wish dd to continue at that school then dont worry too much about what they will be doing...that is their problem not yours.
your focus has to be on dd
getting her some education now and support from CAMHS
looking to a new school for summer term or September - yes it is a pain after moving recently - but better more moves to find the right place... if the over capacity school is "full" but you think it will be the right place then apply...you could appeal and would have a strong case on socio-medical reasons.

Ds2 was involved in a much less serious incident at school - he was targeted by one boy who pulled down his shorts during PE. It was not premeditated or planned, only one child was involved, and there was no recording or broadcasting on social media.

The PE teacher reacted immediately and swiftly. The boy involved got a huge, loud bollocking on the spot, and was sent to the deputy head. He got three days internal suspension.

The deputy head phoned me, as soon as she had dealt with him, to tell me what had happened to my son, and what the school was doing about it. Ds2 was supported at school by the staff, and also by the other boys in his class who were equally appalled by what this boy did.

THIS is how a school deals with a bullying incident.

How your school are 'dealing' with it, @user1468352691, is appalling and unacceptable.

You, on the other hand, are a complete hero, as far as I am concerned, for your defence of your dd. When she is working through the trauma of this incident, your support and the way you have championed her, will help her a lot, I am sure.

My mum did bugger-all when I was bullied at school - it went on for 5 years, and owing to the way she dismissed me the first time I told her about it, I never went back to her again. I just got more and more introverted and unhappy - she either never noticed, or didn't bother asking if everything was OK. It has blighted my life.

OP, I hope your dd is feeling a little better. I'm sure you are showering her with extra love, you sound like a fab mum

Just a thought - suppose the school try to wriggle out of responsibility as the incident happened outside of school hours and not on school grounds? How long after the school day are they in loco parentis for?

I have got to agree with Genius ""You, on the other hand, are a complete hero, as far as I am concerned, for your defence of your dd. When she is working through the trauma of this incident, your support and the way you have championed her, will help her a lot, I am sure."

Please Genius get counselling. I did not suffer bullying but was very dyslexic, shy, sociallu inept at school and have had counselling which has addressed this and helped me to move forward. It is not easy but I do believe it is not impossible either.

OP so really well done. You were shocked and scared and at the start of the thread seemed a bit 'lost'. You quickly galvanized yourself and rose to the terrifying challenge that none of us parents would ever wish to face.

What you've been put through is awful. Please, once the dust has settled, look after yourself.

You are doing the right thing for your daughter and I wish you all the best as you make you're way through this.

I spoke to my dd (12) last night to check she knew what to do if anyone was being bullied. She does. I hope this thread prompts us all to check our kids understand the need to look out for each other.

Bullies must be punished, and bullying must be exposed for the cowardly shit it is.

Dancegirl if things happen due to children being in proximity together at school or however to phrase it, the school has a responsibility. I can't link on my phone but even cyber bullying , which could happen at any time time of day or night, comes under the school's remit.

So the number of hours post the school day is not relevant here.

If school were to wash their hands of whatever happened outside their gates this would potentially be open season for attacks on the way to or from school IMHO.

OP please do apply or make connection elsewhere as this happening might mean others at the school are keen to move and there could be a rush on the other school.

A school's pupils are almost their advertisement - what do these 30 shitbags students say about this school?
If my child were at this school and I heard what had happened to your dd, I would probably be considering a move. Even if you decide to home educate it is always worth enquiring at oversubscribed school.

Thinking of you and dd

the process for an in year placement is
you call the school X and ask if they have a place, they say they full.
you call lea they say we have a place available at Y school which you dont want.
so you ask for application form for school X and apply formally.

they write back saying no we are full you on wait list.

That letter includes the process for appealing, you have xx x number of days to put in an appeal.

you fill in appeal forms and it add all evidence why this school best.

you wait, they give you a date for appeal panel meeting, you go along with evidence they ask you questions and they can make school take the child if the harm done to your dd by not taking her exceeds the harm done to school by going over numbers..

daunting process but can be done for sociomedical reasons.

so it is important to think when you apply as the letter saying we have no place triggers the timeline for being able to appeal. within two weeks or whatever it is. so op you could wait til Easter give dd some time find out if other school would be good for her... then fill in the form for a place, get back letter, appeal and wait for the panel to meet...this could all be done in summer term .

Hope things went ok today OP. As others have suggested maybe take this thread down now after copying any useful parts and start a new less identifying one for further support. for you for your DD

OP and DD, nobody deserves to be treated this way and I sincerely hope that your DD goes on to enjoy the rest of her school life wherever that might be.

I would like to think that there are 30 children getting the bollocking of their lives from their parents/carers this week. My thoughts on the school leadership team aren't printable.

I hope it brings you some comfort, but your plight has encouraged me to think carefully about what messages I need to keep giving to my DD(9) as she becomes more independent. I would like to think that your bravery has helped reinforce responsible behaviour in at least 400-odd families who have posted on here.

It is International Women's Day today and a link to this piece popped up in my Twitter feed.
speakola.com/ideas/caitlin-moran-letters-live-2016
There is some lovely advice that I hope will help DD get through the next few days/weeks. Do try to seek some professional help to reassure you all if you can.

I would also take the thread down because if this does result in court action, and the thread comes to light, defence lawyers could construe it as influencing people's opinions against the perpetrators, because no-one knows who has read the thread or discussed it.

@Italiangreyhound - thank you for your kind words. I have had therapy (group and cbt) and am on antidepressants, all of which are helping me manage my depression. I know I need to let go of the fact that my mum's lack of action made a bad situation worse - I can't change that, I need to learn to accept it and get past it.

I'm a lot better than I used to be, and that is thanks in part to the wonderful people I have met here on MN. And I am so glad that MN is here to support people like the OP, who are going through this now. If I can help a bit, to support people like the OP, I am happy.

You know it's just by the grace of God and the fact this child went to her Mum and told her what was going on, that indeed she wasn't found after committing suicide. That is very sadly the awful truth about this incident. Those kids are a pack of savages in all honesty and in order to defend your daughter properly I would engage a solicitor and take this school for everything I could. They knew and failed to contact you as soon as the matter was talked about in school, they failed your daughter, and as bad as the assault was, they are stupid kids, the adults let your daughter down in a far far worse manner. And that is what I would be looking at blood for. My God they should have been at your door making sure your daughter was okay and alerting YOU to the incident and making sure a counsellor was available for you both to speak to and dealing with the bullies, police, local authorities, everyone who needed to know should have been informed sooner rather than later.

I feel they know full well they are responsible and are trying to soft soap the issue now, well it would not be happening if that was my daughter. Crying crocodile tears too little and too late is no use.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but look at what could have happened, it's in every newspaper, every week, every social media site that kids are killing themselves and for far less than this poor wee girl endured. Heads need to roll over the handling of this incident.

The kids are 100% responsible for their actions. They are of the legal age of criminal responsibility.

Op just wondering how your dd is today and if that god awful deputy head managed to "make herself available!" For a phone call x

OP how is it going?

Genius, " I know I need to let go of the fact that my mum's lack of action made a bad situation worse - I can't change that, I need to learn to accept it and get past it."

Please continue to look into this, there are ways to move on. I would really like to recommend something but I *have no personal experience of this but it looks good."Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - Treatment"

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Post-traumatic-stress-disorder/Pages/Treatment.aspx

"Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) is a relatively new treatment which has been found to reduce the symptoms of PTSD.
It involves making side-to-side eye movements, usually by following the movement of your therapist's finger, while recalling the traumatic incident. Other methods may include the therapist tapping their finger or playing a tone.

It's not clear exactly how EMDR works but it may help you to change the negative way you think about a traumatic experience."

Letting go of your anger towards your mum, you could explore forgiveness.

theforgivenessproject.com/ I can;t vouch for all of this, I have only looked at it briefly. Please pm me if you wish to.

It does not mean you let the person off the hook, it means you let yourself off the hook of being angry with them.

"I'm a lot better than I used to be..." Great to hear.

you must phone the police it could happen again if not to your daughter then someone elses daughter

Ffs

Well done nanny she hadn't thought of that

I wish people would rtft. She DID ring the police.

How are things today OP?

oh this is dreadful. Glad you called the police OP. I would not send my child back, but don't deregister her. They need to understand she can't return but they should then be responsible for providing work etc. I hope your daughter is ok, well as OK as is possible in these circumstances. The school sounds shit, I worked in a school like that in the past. A group of girls attacked another girl in the park. The whole pack were excluded for weeks

Op. I am so sorry and horrified to read the updates on what has transpired....your poor poor girl and you too.

If I was in your shoes l would take out an ad in the local paper, and write accurately what has happened in detail, list the names of who was involved, state the effect on your daughter and her terror, then request local people look out for this gang and be aware of the risk to their kids.

Then a few weeks later if your DD was willing, l would get her on to the local radio to talk about the effects of bullying, again reiterating who did this to her.

I would keep this in the local public eye for a very long time, the people involved would become pariahs in the local area, probably hated on social media and looked at hard in the street, and it could help your DD to take a bit of control back too if done carefully.

Personally I would make the story run and run so the brats could have a taste of their own medicine. Don't let your DD become a victim she has to find a way to move forward. I wish you both well

I think the local paper would have more sense than to print a load of minors' names thankfully. Things like this need dealing with through official channels, not dramatising in the local media.

Gladly, I don't think the OP needs telling that. She seems to be handling the situation perfectly well.

Hope your daughter is feeling less shocked and more secure today after this awful event. I was bullied as a teenager and i never truly got over it as my parents/school didn't really deal with it.
You've absolutely done the right thing xxx

If you can forgive, it is very good for you and it does bring peace of mind.

But don't try to force it forgiving is a process and can take a very long time. Like grief, it takes as long as it takes, but it helps if you can bring yourself to be open to the principle of it.

Most people can't even entertain the idea of forgiveness when the wound they have suffered is still raw as yours is. It invariably helps if justice is seen to be served and the perpetrator is punished, and/or is genuinely sorry for their actions.

I agree with NewShoes, Gladly.

Naming and shaming is fine in principle, but in practice cane bring down a lot of la onto the OP