DH has told me to stop BF 2yo; am very upset and don't know what to do

[weasle]

this is about my 2.6yo ds2 who i bf to sleep.

he's never been a good sleeper, but usually goes to sleep in about 10-20 minutes whilst i bf him. he then sleeps though the night unless ill etc.

occasionally when i am not in the house he has gone to sleep with dh. when dh tries and i am in the house it takes about 2 hours or more for him to go to sleep being cuddled. i bf him in the day very rarely, and never in front of anyone else.

my dh has never really been supportive of bf, but i thought he accepted it as a good thing. i have found bf very difficult as my son bf hourly for about 4 months and mothering him has been a very challenging experience.

tonight dh has told me he wants me to stop. the reasons given vary but include abnormal, weird, embarassing, risking our marriage and the rest of the family's happiness, that it prevents us ever going out to dinner (ridiculous as can go out after he is asleep at 7 and also small matter of 6 week old ds3!)

i am so gutted and upset about his attitide too 'knock it on the head' or 'bin it' and also puzzled as why he is against something that actually makes his life easier. and also given my history of PND and AND why he wants to upset me so much!

I don't know what i can do to get over this and help him understand why taking comfort away from ds2 would not be good especially now. he thinks it is time for me to compromise, and i have bf for long enough.

sorry for long post but i am so upset and don't have anyone in rl who is supportive or understanding (or knows i am still bf him)

Are you also feeding the 6 week old to sleep?

Maybe he feels pushed out and concerned that you are doing too much/everything?

wastingaway - god yeah, it goes without saying that all of us have the right to tell DH to piss off when he quotes something that his mother doesn't like

Skidoodly - I was not saying that husbands who feel left out should suck it up, at all. And yes my ex was a useless prat, but I'm not basing this on him at all - TBH he didn't care what I did with DS as long as he didn't have to do much - anyway I know lots of supportive, involved husbands and fathers who didn't feel the need to insist on doing a bottlefeed every day or ask their wife outright to stop breastfeeding. (Initiating a conversation along the lines of "when do you think you might wean DS" is different)

Of course there is nothing wrong with expressing so your DH can give a bottle, and there's no harm in it if done occasionally/carefully - but regularly doing this from a young age can be harmful to breastfeeding, and it's a lot of hassle for the mum to express, so I just think it shouldn't be a first resort - there are lots of ways that Dads can be involved with baby care and I do think that if they are getting really hung up on the one thing they can't physically do then they need to grow up, TBH. Come on, how is me saying that dads don't need to be involved in feeding tiny babies the same as saying men are worthless and don't need any input into their children's lives and might as well just be sperm donors?

Why should a grown man's needs/wants take precedents over a tiny little boy's?

They are your breast, you decide what you use them for.

Seems like you have done a fair share of compromising meeting DH half way if you've already tried controlled drying at an earlier point. Your mention of that episode makes me wonder about the family culture your DH comes from (sounds like my exH's actually -- babies should be seen and not heard, and if heard, ignored) and I suspect you and he are poles apart on many issues around babies and small children, expectations of sleep, couple-ness, roles, etc.

Your DS is old enough for your H to start actively playing ball or whatever with him, having him 'help' with tasks your DH is doing, taking him for swimming or some other activities. I hope he is the one who gives DS his bath, and occasionally prepares meals for him too. However, DS is also young enough to be going through the phase when the opposite sex parent is the primary object of his affections, and a preference for mum is natural until he reaches a certain age. Does your DH read child development books at all, or are all his opinions based on received wisdom? You mention you have done a lot of reading and I wonder if he does too, the reason being that the two of you seem to be so far apart, you're hardly reading the same books...

If your DH is concerned that he is being excluded, I'm sure there's plenty he would be willing to do to redress this. I think it's time for him to either fish or cut bait here. It's too easy to chip away at you from the sidelines, wallow in self-pity, silly embarrassment, giving you petulant excuses and pressuring you to do it his way. I think you've done quite a lot of compromising -- I would never have gone along with the controlled crying.

ehem, CRYING, not drying..,

Cut the guy some slack!

Whether the OP thinks he is supportive or not, IME a man who has only complained once every 6 months for 2.6 years about his wife still bf his child is actually remarkably tolerant and enlightened on the subject. I come from a group of friends who have all breastfed at least 1 child for at least a year, and every single one of them has moaned at some point about their DH complaining about it not being necessary or time to stop - yet they will all say overall that they have a supportive husband and all the DHs will say that they think that breast is best and that they are very proud of their DWs for breastfeeding. Even if you think something is good, you can still moan about it occasionally (nobody is perfect!) - but on this thread most people seems to think that the minute a man has a wobble about bf then he must be horrid and nasty and his DW should therefore just ignore him.

This is so unfair. Women complain about bt just as much, if not more - of course, we have to do it! I complained enough about bf DS during the year I fed him - and the OP has acknowledged that she finds it hard at times too. But we don't ever criticise women who complain about it - we support them. Yet men are meant to be completely silent and 100% supportive or else they should just be ignored? Wrong wrong wrong.

OP - it sounds like you both find DS2's bedtime difficult and I imagine that your DH is trying to say that he doesn't want DS3 to be the same (I think the whole going out for dinner thing is probably him projectin where he would like to be with DS3 in 2 years time, as I doubt he is daft enough to really expect it now with a 6wo in the house!), but in his sleep-deprived state can only articulate that as you needing to stop bf your DS2 now. I agree with others that dropping the bf with DS2 right now is not going to be productive. But perhaps you need to agree to talk again in say 6 weeks when you hopefully will be getting a bit more sleep, and start to work on the real problem (DS2 sleep and the issues that causes for both of you) so that you can come to a solution on that. It may be that your DH's issue is more you bf your DS2 to sleep (so he can't get involved) than about you bf DS2 per se.

Thanks again for your support.

DH does do bathtime and stories with the DC if he is home in time from work, that is probably a couple of times a week. He is certainly not sleep deprived - i am co-sleeping in ds3's room and dh has not been disturbed at all at night.

I think you are right mathanxiety, we do have very different expectations and views on sleep, behaviour etc and i think this is all part of that. he thinks we should be able to just tuck the ds's into bed and walk out of the room, and thinks we are the only ones with sleep problems. the other night i listed aloud all our friends and every family seems to have some sort of sleep issue, be it night waking or getting up at 5am, but he persists in having this 'hollywood' view on bedtime. Last night ds2 was fast asleep by 7pm after a 10 minute feed and dh and i sat in the garden and had dinner and it was lovely.

i think i will try to persuade him to read a bit more to learn about 'normal behaviour', would love him to read politics of breastfeeding, but might be asking too much! what could be my compromise be though? i certainly want to try to ensure ds3 doesn't require me to go to sleep for the next 2 years, but not sure you can choose these things. ds2 was always such a terrible sleeper i am grateful for any way of getting him to sleep, that is why i have put up with it for so long. I love the NCSS book, but i doesn't seem to have worked at all!

http://www.open-spaces.com/article-v4n4-sack.php this link is one that Gabrielle Palmer recommended on Sleep. and she also recommended that in order to get an understanding of where recent Western cultural (Hollywood)attitudes of sleep comes from to google John B Watson (infant sleep).

http://www.open-spaces.com/article-v4n4-sack.php this link

i give up.

I think the OP's husband has a right to say how his children are raised. This includes how they are fed and comforted. Bedtimes sound like a nightmare and it's quite unfair to make a child reliant on it's mother to fall asleep. This is not for the good of the child at all, it's another quick fix parenting style that will end in tears.

How a child is raised is the job of both parents,.

And sleep problems is not normal. I have four children and none have had sleep problems. All bf too.

Remember all your children are different, your DS3 will have his own sleep issues

You just need to keep talking to each other and that in itself will give you a better idea of where you are both coming from. You don't have to agree but it will be much easier if you know why you don't agree.
At this stage it is a case of doing what works, 'this too will pass'

Thisisthatvilewoman - you were obviously lucky your childrens sleep habits suited you and your family.That is not normal you are the lucky minority.

oh there you go then - if you never had sleep problems with your 4 DC, then obviously anyone else who does is abnormal. Of course.

A ten minute feed to sleep at 7pm is hardly a nightmare.

I think when we'd got to that stage I really started in with that pulling away technique.

No, but sleep is not something that happens by chance for some children...it is a situation created by parents when children are older, obviously not babies. It isn't abnormal, it's not luck, it's a priority for us and so we make it work. Getting the right amount of sleep important, like the right food and water intake. Tired children makes being a parent very very hard.

tbh I agree with abbierhodes. I am still bf my son aged 12 months at bedtime and once during the day, never in front of others. I have to say that both my DH and I miss being able to go out early in the evening or leave DS3 with his grandparents overnight - I love bf him, but there are costs to our relationship.

As for those that say DH should fuck off and they are your breasts and even that the children come first, I say, 'what rot!!' The family comes first, not just the children, and that, in my book, includes my DH. If the couple is not strong and secure the children will suffer - everything comes from the relationship between the parents, the fun, the laughs, the cuddles, all of it happens easily with two happy parents, therefore your DH's opinion does count. He doesn't sound controlling to me, just wants his wife back and needs (what is wrong with needs?!) some extra attention. Please don't tell me that all you soit disant 'liberated women' out there don't need tlc and attention at times!!

Grow up OP and smell the coffee!!

OP - I agree that it might be a bit much much to expect your DH to read The politics of breastfeeding. How about The Food of Love by Kate Evans? That's a lovely, positive, affirming book with some great cartoons - the kind of book you can dip in and out of.

About 'normal' behaviour: it's possible that you already know some women who feed their DCs to sleep. Like you, they might not be talking about it in public for fear of censure - or simply because it doesn't come up in conversation. Just a thought...

weasle, I am really impressed at your calm and pretty objective way of reflecting about your situation-something that others here, under the auspices of "support" have had problems with! FWIW, bedtimes sound far from nighmarish or strange, infact they sound fairly normal to me (whatever that is). It does sound like you and your DH can work through this together, without it being too traumatic for the children, who thankfully, IMO, are the ones you seem to care most about.

Like i say TVW - you are lucky your childrens sleep habits fitted in with yours and your expectations.
My middle son needs less sleep than myself and his brother it took along time for us to find a happy medium so bedtime wasn't a battle.

It is very easy for us to project our own experience onto others as the norm. The op is struggling telling her you found it easy is not going to make her situation easier.

Whats 'normal' after all

janajos - i have not said my dh is controlling, nor said he should fuck off, i do not know why you say 'Grow up OP and smell the coffee!!'? because i am upset that my beloved dh has told be he thinks an aspect of my mothering is embarrassing and weird? wouldn't you be upset?

thisisthatvilewoman - you have a point, it is easier to bf ds2 to sleep than to have a 3 hour fight gettng him to sleep, ruin our evening and have a tired and whining boy the next day so i am guilty of being lazy. you are fortunate in that your children all sleep all night from a young age, but i can't think of any families i know in which that is the case, but they all have pre-school aged children so hopefully they will all grow out of it, like any other developmental stage.

weasle, I really think if you could suffer a week of hard work it could really come good for you. Perhaps introducing other bedtime routines, like story for five minutes, tucking teddies in, saying good night to everything and then a quick feed you may be able to drop the feed after a short while.

Perhaps you can give your DH a timeframe as to when you may aim to stop. Let's say when new baby has three hourly feeds or something.