DH has told me to stop BF 2yo; am very upset and don't know what to do

[weasle]

this is about my 2.6yo ds2 who i bf to sleep.

he's never been a good sleeper, but usually goes to sleep in about 10-20 minutes whilst i bf him. he then sleeps though the night unless ill etc.

occasionally when i am not in the house he has gone to sleep with dh. when dh tries and i am in the house it takes about 2 hours or more for him to go to sleep being cuddled. i bf him in the day very rarely, and never in front of anyone else.

my dh has never really been supportive of bf, but i thought he accepted it as a good thing. i have found bf very difficult as my son bf hourly for about 4 months and mothering him has been a very challenging experience.

tonight dh has told me he wants me to stop. the reasons given vary but include abnormal, weird, embarassing, risking our marriage and the rest of the family's happiness, that it prevents us ever going out to dinner (ridiculous as can go out after he is asleep at 7 and also small matter of 6 week old ds3!)

i am so gutted and upset about his attitide too 'knock it on the head' or 'bin it' and also puzzled as why he is against something that actually makes his life easier. and also given my history of PND and AND why he wants to upset me so much!

I don't know what i can do to get over this and help him understand why taking comfort away from ds2 would not be good especially now. he thinks it is time for me to compromise, and i have bf for long enough.

sorry for long post but i am so upset and don't have anyone in rl who is supportive or understanding (or knows i am still bf him)

"Although to be fair the OP hasn't been back in 3 hours..."

LOL. Here we are, arguing it out, and the OP and her husband have probably made up and gone to bed, having come to some kind of agreement! Hope that's the case OP!

Yeah, agree with that blinder, abrupt would be stupid. But I wonder if he's actually said that? I just think the couple need to sit and have a calm chat about it...they both have valid points...perhaps they're missing them?

I think you're talking a lot of sense, abbierhodes.

Parenting should ideally involve both parents (if both are around obviously).

The timing isn't brilliant though - OP, if you do decide to wean DS, then it might be best to agree a time in the future when everyone's got used to DS3 being around.

Oh and I agree that the feeding to sleep/only can be put to bed by one parent thing could be perceived as an issue by a DH, no matter what the method of feeding. I used to BF DS1 to sleep until he was weaned at 14 months - it's now fantastic that either DH or I can put him to sleep, and it only takes 5 minutes usually. I've decided that next time round, I won't BF DC2 to sleep.

tonight dh has told me he wants me to stop. the reasons given vary but include abnormal, weird, embarassing, risking our marriage and the rest of the family's happiness, that it prevents us ever going out to dinner (ridiculous as can go out after he is asleep at 7 and also small matter of 6 week old ds3!)

abnormal: Unusual maybe but hardly "abnormal".
Weird: well there's a whole thread on this at the moment and weird is an emotive and pejorative word
embarrassing: is this the REAL reason? His family/friends have been on to him about it, have they? Seems likely - in which case, tell him to stick it, you are a better judge of what is good for your DS than a bunch of outsiders (friends) and extended family.
Risking the marriage: WTF? He needs to explain that one a bit more!
Rest of the family's happiness: err, which family? his family or you and your DC?

Again sounds like there's some outside pressure going on.

DOn't get all emotional on him though - just be calm and find out exACTly which part of his argument is the valid reason - and then explain about the baby jealousy impact it could have on DS and the fact that you feeding him to sleep reduces the bedtime routine from 2hours to 20mins max, which is better for everyone.

Has he been left "holding the baby" (the 6wo) while you are putting DS1 to bed? Is that part of his gripe?

abbier

"the husband should have mentioned his concerns before his wife went through all that, I think. "

I strongly suspect that this is not the first time he's raised this issue.

thumbwitch
'you are a better judge of what is good for your DS than a bunch of outsiders (friends) and extended family."

but you are not a better judge of what is better for your DS than his father.

Bertie

"the mum is the one who currently does bedtime and she is happy with the arrangement as it stands, so why does it need to change?"

but maybe the father would like to do bedtimes more often? He is not happy with the arrangement as it stands, that is why it needs to change.

how would you like it if you only ever got to put your toddler to bed when your husband was out?

It is so unreasonable to take over one of the most enjoyable jobs in parenting and then start acting the martyr because the person you've utterly excluded isn't thankful for the wonderful "rest" you're giving them.

I think that is a bit of a misleading argument though. It's like when dads of breastfed newborns say they feel left out because the mum gets to do all the feeding, and people start suggesting expressing and letting him do a bottle feed once a day. I don't think it's necessary TBH. Nature designed it so that women were the ones to feed the babies, and if that baby still feeds to sleep as a toddler then that's just a continuation of it. It's not anyone's fault, it's just the way it is. Maybe he could get involved in bedtime another way, e.g. reading a bedtime story, or in fact doing the entire bedtime routine apart from the last 10-20 minutes feeding. (Which isn't exactly long). Maybe it isn't the same as breastfeeding, but stopping the Mum from doing that isn't going to change the fact that the Dad can't do it in the first place.

PMSL at the idea of bedtime being one of the most enjoyable jobs of parenting - wish you'd tell that to my DH, he'd do anything to get out of it!

And you quoted me out of context, skidoodly, making your response somewhat inappropriate. Please don't do that. What I said was in context of the DH finding it embarrassing - he would only find it embarrassing if other people have commented on it.

I have no knowledge of the OP's DH other than what she has said here - but I do know my DH and there is no way that "but you are not a better judge of what is better for your DS than his father" this applies to him. Quite frankly I would fear for DS's continued wellbeing if DH made decisions about it. He is of the "well it hasn't killed him so it must be ok" school of thought.

And FWIW I am not saying that the dads who feel left out should just suck it up - there are other ways to have lovely close contact with your child, without having to affect breastfeeding. I always suggest that dads of newborns do the baby's bathtime - skin to skin contact, something which needs to be done every night/every few days, and it's a nice "job" unlike changing nappies or something like that. And it doesn't affect breastfeeding or involve any extra work for the mum. XP bathed DS every single time - the only time I ever bathed him was when he went out, and I thought that was fine TBH. I sometimes sat on the edge and watched them bath together and it was lovely, but mostly I left them to it as it was their special time together.

erm, for the people who say that bfing a toddler to sleep is affecting their social life, there is the small matter of a 6 wk old.

This problem is less about breastfeeding the toddler and putting him to sleep and more of something else. Possibly of his fear that DH has to go through this all over again with ds3.

I hated breastfeeding while pregnant and tandem feeding a newborn and a toddler. It got better when the toddler didn't want to feed every time I had to feed the baby. But I had to do it because the toddler needed it. Gritting my teeth and continuing has been one of the most important thing I did for them as now at nearly 2 yrs and 5 yrs, they are so close to each other. It is just my opinion but I think the tandem feeding played a huge role in it.

Weasle, years ago when you were struggling to feed ds2 as a newborn (if I have the right person, your MIL is a GP, I believe) I posted on your thread. here is hugs on this one. I am sorry you are having a difficult time again. Take this one day at a time. Go with your gut feelings/what you want to do. Threatening a divorce over bfing is just not on. A divorce would be about lots of other things in the marriage and most unfair to imply that that bfing would be the only reason for him to bring about a divorce. Could you ask him what other reasons besides breastfeeding is he mentioning divorce here? Maybe as a way of getting him to talk about what is really bugging him?

thumbwitch
"He is of the "well it hasn't killed him so it must be ok" school of thought. "

A very valuable school of thought, when it comes to parenting IMO. My DH is the same.

Bertie

You are just saying that dads who feel left out should just suck it up, aren't you?

I don't think a bottle of EBM is "necessary" but we've done it with both of your DDs and it has had a noticeable effect on the relationship DH had with each of them. Something doesn't have to be necessary to be valuable and worth doing.

He does baths and nappies too, but being able to give them a feed is nice for him and them. I can quite see that some people might not want to bother with it, but I would think very long and hard before refusing to involve a father in that way if it was something he wanted. Apart from anything else, even if it isn't necessary, there's no harm in it at all, is there? Where's the downside?

I prefer to keep DS well and safe, rather than just alive, thanks. Neither of which would be a given if DH were in charge. And no, this does not mean he is mollycoddled and never allowed to do anything.

What you have on your hands is a green eyed monster, Weasle.

I would bet any money that your DH has been jealous of the breastfeeding relationship between you and your DS and now that you have another baby, it has suddenly dawned on him that he has another little competitor for your attention.

Dads who feel left out should grow up. Seriously. Pregnancy, childbirth, and life with babies and little children is no picnic for mums either.

Well from this thread it would seem that there are women who feel entirely justified in excluding their husbands and belittling any contribution they make, so in fact men who feel like sperm donors and meal tickets are not being childish, but are bang on the money.

Is it that you guys just married useless pricks, or is it just a general feeling that men are worthless?

skidoodly, if he thinks it's weird, abnormal and is buckling to pressure from extended family on this, then his contribution isn't up to much really.

My DH has always been involved, in decisions as well as in practicalities, without DS ever having a bottle, and he puts DS to bed every night he's here now without me having to stop bf.

OP could perhaps work on making bedtime routine more DH inclusive, but that's not what he's asking for, he's told her to stop at the worst possible moment cos it's 'weird'.

wow, thanks for all the replies.

sorry, i went to bed as i was tired and vry upset

i think there may well be an issue of dh worried that the same thing will happen with ds3. and i more than anyone is desperate for that not too happen! as for doing it for my benefit that made me LOL! the number of hours i have sat in ds's room hating having to be there (it used to take a lot longer to bf him to sleep). we both dread bedtime, i do not think it one of the best parts of the day!

at dh's request we have done controlled crying (abandoned after 2 weeks as ds was still crying for over 1 hour and vomiting) and just before ds3 arrived dh did 1 week of trying without bf, but we went back to bf as life is rather busy and 2-3 hours/night sitting in a dark room is not time well spent currently and it was not improving. i would dearly love to just kiss ds1 and ds2 goodnight and leave the room. i have read lots of books about sleep and have an appointment with the HV to discuss it.

i would be happy if ds2 weaned now, but i don't think it is a good time for me to decide to stop when he is clearly enjoying it and ds3 just arrived.

i wondered if this was triggered by his mum but he denies it. I think she and my mum know i am still bf but it is Not Spoken About. MIL has been telling me to wean from 6 weeks! DH and i have had a similar row every 6 months but this was the first time he has been to strongly viewed and used words such as weird.

I am less upset today, but still confused about what to do, maybe i should compromise, but i still think it's up to ds more than me! im sorry you think i am petulant and self-pitying skidoodly, it's never nice to be kicked when you are down!

Dh, to his credit has apologised and said he will be supportive but it doesn't take away what i know are his feelings.

thanks everyone for your comments and i am still thinking about what to do and will return later.

Good to know that you can take a balanced view there, skidoodly.

weasle - glad things have settled down a bit - I hope your DH does understand that it could have negative impact on DS2's attitude to DS3 if you stopped just now. If he is embarrassed about it, he needs to not talk about it outside the home - it's really no one else's business anyway.

Weasle, I am so impressed by your calm response this morning as I think you have been very badly supported by some people on this thread. Glad you're feeling better.

Sounds like you both have a lot of pressures on you, what with a 6 week old baby as well. From what you've written, it doesn't seem to me that you are ''excluding' your DH at all. It's good that he says he will be supportive - the views he has described are held by many in our culture, as you have no doubt noticed from this thread!

It's true that the UK has one of the lowest rates of bf in the world, and our attitudes to bf are perhaps a little unusual. I want you to know that I don't think you're weird for breastfeeding. Giving up now would be terrible timing. Most children self-wean at some point... good luck, whatever you decide to do.

only just seen this and will try to read it properly later. apologies as I'm probably repeating others

I'm not sure where I stand on this generally, re: Dad's rights vs Baby's rights. Maybe he's worried about seeing you exhausted every night?

In any case, what I'd do is be very firm and say "Look DH. I understand you'd like me to stop. But DS3 is only 6wks and this is a stressful time for DS2 as he is no longer the baby. Stopping BF now would add to this stress, and would make him feel like it's all DS3's fault. He'll end up resenting his little brother. So we're not going to talk about this now - not until DS2 is used to DS3."

or words to that effect

did I just say 'or words to that effect'? oh dear. I've turned into my dad!

Hello again Weasle. It's good that DH has apologised.

It does sound tricky as you've got a sleep issue with DS bound up with DH's issue with ebf issue.

As I said before, I think the timing is the worst thing about it - for you and DS2. Perhaps when you're feeling calmer you could try discussing it with DH again to understand the true reasons for his opinions and then agree a plan which suits you both. From what you've said you don't actually want to continue bf either so you're not coming from very different places really. Perhaps its just about agreeing the timing of the weaning so you can tackle it (and bedtime) together as a team when you both have a bit more time and energy and have had a chance to get some help with the sleep issue?

wastingaway plenty of people (maybe even the majority) have an issue with ebf, as the other current thread on here shows) - I really don't think that makes someone's, particularly a child's father, contribution not 'worthwhile'. You can be a very worthwhile person but still in the norms dictated by society (and extended family) - probably most of us fall into this category in one way or another.

Morning weasle.

You may well have, but have you read The No Cry Sleep Solution? The pull-off technique is what I sort of did with DS. Very gradually I must add.
The idea is that you gradually reduce the amount of time on the boob, by removing the nipple earlier each night. So you go from putting them down when they're fast asleep, to when they're dropping off, and eventually when they're still awake.

Then I've gradually moved the bf earlier in bedtime routine, from simply putting him in his grobag after the feed, to feeding before stories to feeding before bathtime.

Choosing the right time to put him to bed is key for us. No point putting DS to bed at 7 if he's had a nap at 4/5pm for instance.

With a 6 week old, I wouldn't worry too much about changing things, unless they're making it difficult to care for the baby and yourself.

should have been 'but still believe in the norms'

Cake, I meant that specific contribution. Thinking it's weird cos MIL doesn't like it etc.

wastingaway - but even on this specific contribution, I don't think it's fair to say it's not worthwhile. Most of us are influenced by familial views and in this case they mirror society's pretty accurately, that doesn't make them void or otherwise.

I agree wholeheartedly that a couple's decisions should be theirs and not influenced by in-laws' wishes but I think on this occasion it's a more deep-rooted than that - i.e. there's more to this than DH being dictated to by his mother.

Well, I was responding to skidoodly suggesting some of us exclude and belittle any contribution husbands make.
I don't think telling a new mother she's doing something abnormal and upsetting the family is a contribution to be valued really.

Absolutely, sit down, as OP has and discuss it, what the deeper reasons are.

I would certainly tell my husband to piss off he said these things to me though.