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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

DH has told me to stop BF 2yo; am very upset and don't know what to do

120 replies

weasle · 27/06/2010 21:31

this is about my 2.6yo ds2 who i bf to sleep.

he's never been a good sleeper, but usually goes to sleep in about 10-20 minutes whilst i bf him. he then sleeps though the night unless ill etc.

occasionally when i am not in the house he has gone to sleep with dh. when dh tries and i am in the house it takes about 2 hours or more for him to go to sleep being cuddled. i bf him in the day very rarely, and never in front of anyone else.

my dh has never really been supportive of bf, but i thought he accepted it as a good thing. i have found bf very difficult as my son bf hourly for about 4 months and mothering him has been a very challenging experience.

tonight dh has told me he wants me to stop. the reasons given vary but include abnormal, weird, embarassing, risking our marriage and the rest of the family's happiness, that it prevents us ever going out to dinner (ridiculous as can go out after he is asleep at 7 and also small matter of 6 week old ds3!)

i am so gutted and upset about his attitide too 'knock it on the head' or 'bin it' and also puzzled as why he is against something that actually makes his life easier. and also given my history of PND and AND why he wants to upset me so much!

I don't know what i can do to get over this and help him understand why taking comfort away from ds2 would not be good especially now. he thinks it is time for me to compromise, and i have bf for long enough.

sorry for long post but i am so upset and don't have anyone in rl who is supportive or understanding (or knows i am still bf him)

OP posts:

abbierhodes · 27/06/2010 23:51

Sirboobalot, I got that, but still don't understand your sarcastic point. I didn't say she was forcing him, simply that she was keeping breastfeeding going for her own reasons. I'd love to spend tomorrow playing with my five year old....he wouldn't argue with a day off school, but it wouldn't be for his benefit, would it?

blinder · 27/06/2010 23:52

Abbierhodes 'two years later than most people'?

Do you have statistics to back that up? Many people breastfeeding longer than 6 months. You sound quite anti breastfeeding yourself.

mjinhiding · 27/06/2010 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SirBoobAlot · 27/06/2010 23:55

That is a ridiculous comparison. And I agree with Blinder.

mjinhiding · 27/06/2010 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

abbierhodes · 28/06/2010 00:00

"Yet breastfeeding rates in the UK are amongst the lowest in Europe: 76 per cent of babies born here are breastfed at birth, falling to 63 per cent at one week. Only one in five babies still receives breast milk at six months."

from here

I'm not anti breastfeeding at all, I'm pro common sense. Breastfeeding is great if it's what suits your family, but clearly, in this case, it no longer does. Please read my last post, and tell me why the father is such a bad guy? Why isn't he allowed an opinion?

megapixels · 28/06/2010 00:01

I agree with a previous poster that this is the worst time possible to withdraw bf from your DS2. I wouldn't have been happy if my dh was setting limits on breastfeeding our child. I think you should listen to his reasons but they sound nonsensical to me - weird, embarrassing, risking your family's happiness, WTF? The risking your marriage thing is probably correct - not because of the bfing but because he's being such a twonk about it.

SirBoobAlot · 28/06/2010 00:07

Because he is controlling, and trying to make her feel like she is doing something disgusting, not to mention guilt tripping her when its clearly he who has the issues. OP says her husband has never been supportive of her breastfeeding. That is more than an opinion, and it makes him sound like a total arse.

Yes, the arrival of a new baby is always stressful, but there is no reason for him to tell his wife that she is being abnormal and weird, and that she has to stop.

blinder · 28/06/2010 00:08

The whole 'mum is meeting her own needs' argument is really unhelpful. Mother needs child to be happy. The fear of breastfeeding and bonding leads to this strange idea that women breastfeed out of neediness or an inability to let go. It's total rubbish.

If bf was about the mother's needs she wouldn't be able to get the child to do it! This is the case with sleep, quiet time and every other genuine maternal need. You can't force a toddler to bf any more than you can force them to do anything. They bf because comfort, milk and bonding are (newsflash) good things.

Btw my dd is 9 mo. I have no idea when I'll stop and I don't have any particular 'extended bf' agenda.

SirBoobAlot

MrsRhettButler · 28/06/2010 00:10

also agree with abierrhodes

blinder · 28/06/2010 00:14

Abbierhodes yes the UK does have abnormally low bf rates, but across humanity the average age is obviously much higher.

The World Health Organisation recommends breastfeeding up to 2 years or beyond.

abbierhodes · 28/06/2010 00:17

She said he's never really been supportive...which can't really be true, can it? Given that it's been going on for so long? If he was against her breastfeeding at all, I'd agree with you. But he's done things her way for a long time.

Having a new baby does not necessarily excuse saying nasty things, but it might explain it. (with an eight week old in the house at the moment, both DH and I are being pretty horrid to each other at our low moments. I wonder if the OP's DH has said some nasty things because he's at the end of his tether?)

Serious question...if he'd sat her down nicely, explained that he'd feel better if she stopped at this stage, and hadn't called breastfeeding weird, would you all have the same opinions of him?

abbierhodes · 28/06/2010 00:20

Blinder, I've already answered that point when sirboobalot made it. Just because you don't have to force a child to do something doesn't mean it's in the best interests of the child.

megapixels · 28/06/2010 00:23

Yeah I think the "it's for the mother's needs" is absolute nonsense. I'm wondering if people who think that have any experience of bf at all? It's impossible to bf a child who doesn't want it! (I know as I've tried )

megapixels · 28/06/2010 00:24

Oh the thread has moved on while I was typing so slowly .

abbierhodes · 28/06/2010 00:26

Megapixels, I'm not saying all extended breastfeeding is purely for the mother's needs, just that it sounds like it is, at least partly, in this case.

skidoodly · 28/06/2010 00:28

Totally agree with abierr

this is not about the op's body, it is about the way a child is parented and that is (or should be) the decision of two parents.

The whole "husbands come second to the children" thing on this thread is deeply fucked up.

Whether or not this child should still be breastfed, this woman should listen to her husband's opinions beyond whining that he's trying to upset her.

Wanting your toddler weaned from the breast at two and a half is not any more unreasonable than still wanting to feed at that age. Caring about your sex life, your social life, your own ability to put your child to bed is normal.

Unfortunately thinking that breastfeeding toddlers is weird is fairly common, too. If that's his only issue, then tell him to button it, but it sounds like there is more to this.

BertieBotts · 28/06/2010 00:30

Yes but if the father is genuinely concerned that the mother is depriving or harming the child somehow by breastfeeding, then he could do some research (or the mum could) which would quickly show this is not the case. It is not harmful to breastfeed at any age. He will eventually fall asleep without needing to breastfed. If the parents choose to speed that up a bit, that is up to them, but the mum is the one who currently does bedtime and she is happy with the arrangement as it stands, so why does it need to change?

Of course a parent (father or mother) should speak up if they disagree with something the other parent is doing, but they should be aware that there are always two points of view and IMO they should both be willing to look at the facts and evidence about the benefits and risks of each decision.

megapixels · 28/06/2010 00:31

Why do you think it is though? Because the OP talked about the dh upsetting her? Well most mothers would be upset wouldn't they, if they thought their partner was putting pressure on them to withdraw something that was a comfort to their child? I don't know why you'd say that it's about the OP's needs at all. Unless you think that her need to keep her child happy is not such a good thing.

abbierhodes · 28/06/2010 00:33

Bertiebotts, he hasn't suggested it is harming the child, simply that it is putting a strain on their marriage.

"they should be aware that there are always two points of view and IMO they should both be willing to look at the facts and evidence about the benefits and risks of each decision."

I think this is great advice for the OP, as well as her husband.

abbierhodes · 28/06/2010 00:34

My children are happy and are not breastfed at this age. There are other ways. Are you suggesting the child is never weaned?

BertieBotts · 28/06/2010 00:38

Yes I realise that, sorry, I didn't mean to imply that he had suggested it was harmful. I just meant - unless he thinks it is harmful, they both need to understand it's a difference of opinion, if he is controlling in other ways then it could just be another symptom of that, in which case she should disregard it - but if it's a one off issue, something that he evidently feels uncomfortable with, then he needs to look at why it makes him uncomfortable, since it's not harming the child. I don't see that this should be affecting the marriage - and if it is then it's more about the disagreement than the act itself I think.

Although to be fair the OP hasn't been back in 3 hours...

megapixels · 28/06/2010 00:38

Neither were mine at 2.6 years. The difference is that the OPs child wants it, and she is happy to carry on.

abbierhodes · 28/06/2010 00:42

I can see why it would affect the relationship if you factor in the stuff about him not being able put the child to bed, and them not being able to go out.

I do actually agree that now might not be the best time, as the child has enough upheaval with a new sibling. Perhaps it should have been tackled before? I have no experience of feeding through pregnancy/tandem feeding, but I can't imagine it's easy...the husband should have mentioned his concerns before his wife went through all that, I think.

blinder · 28/06/2010 00:45

And the issue that worries me is that the dh wants the OP to abruptly stop bf at a time when the older child will already be feeling vulnerable about the new arrival. Surely that would be about the father's needs rather than the child's or the mother's?

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