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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

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Original poster

DH has told me to stop BF 2yo; am very upset and don't know what to do

120 replies

weasle · 27/06/2010 21:31

this is about my 2.6yo ds2 who i bf to sleep.

he's never been a good sleeper, but usually goes to sleep in about 10-20 minutes whilst i bf him. he then sleeps though the night unless ill etc.

occasionally when i am not in the house he has gone to sleep with dh. when dh tries and i am in the house it takes about 2 hours or more for him to go to sleep being cuddled. i bf him in the day very rarely, and never in front of anyone else.

my dh has never really been supportive of bf, but i thought he accepted it as a good thing. i have found bf very difficult as my son bf hourly for about 4 months and mothering him has been a very challenging experience.

tonight dh has told me he wants me to stop. the reasons given vary but include abnormal, weird, embarassing, risking our marriage and the rest of the family's happiness, that it prevents us ever going out to dinner (ridiculous as can go out after he is asleep at 7 and also small matter of 6 week old ds3!)

i am so gutted and upset about his attitide too 'knock it on the head' or 'bin it' and also puzzled as why he is against something that actually makes his life easier. and also given my history of PND and AND why he wants to upset me so much!

I don't know what i can do to get over this and help him understand why taking comfort away from ds2 would not be good especially now. he thinks it is time for me to compromise, and i have bf for long enough.

sorry for long post but i am so upset and don't have anyone in rl who is supportive or understanding (or knows i am still bf him)

OP posts:

ReneRusso · 27/06/2010 21:51

He mentioned a compromise, so where is his part of the compromise? DS2 might be feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment because you have a new baby, so it doesn't seem like a good time. So could you agree to stop maybe in a few months if DS2 is ready then and it seems like the right time for him? Would that be an acceptable compromise to you both?
Also I'm wondering how it is risking the marriage - are there other issues in the marriage? Perhaps he is feeling the strain of having a new baby. My DH feels a bit tense with a new baby around, it's the broken nights, but also I think the extra responsibility.
You never bf in front of anyone else, so how could it be embarrassing. The only problem (I'm guessing) is the inconvenience that only you can put DS2 to bed. Sounds to me like your DH is latching on to the BFing as a problem (scuse the pun) when really it's just general tension and stress.

thisisyesterday · 27/06/2010 21:55

risking your marriage? he'd divorce you over the fact that you breastfeed your son? if so i'd kick him out now! what a twat

risking the rest of the family's happiness? again... what has it got to do with them? why on earth would you breastfeeding be making them unhappy?

it sounds like he has issues and is taking them out on you, and your ds.
personally I would tell him to grow up and shut up if this is the only thing he can think of to pick on.

he'd actually be willing to deprive your son of a huge source of comfort and nutrition, simply because HE has decided that you should stop?

BertieBotts · 27/06/2010 22:28

I thought you were going to say that because he goes to sleep easier without you, your DH thought breastfeeding was the reason and suggested stopping to reduce the burden on you or something. Which would be fair enough (and you could politely decline if you were happy to carry on, which it sounds like you are)

I assume you are breastfeeding your 6 week old too - so what difference does it make if you are breastfeeding your toddler too? Surely it has the same effect on being able to go out etc. If he finds it so abnormal, weird and embarrassing, why does he feel the need to inform anyone else?

I am really for you. Is he controlling in other ways or do you just think this is one thing he's just been storing up for ages and perhaps the thought of you potentially bfing the new baby for another 2-3 years is bringing it to the surface and making it all spill out? Did you breastfeed your previous child(ren) for a similar amount of time, for example?

raindroprhyme · 27/06/2010 22:30

is he worried about the prospect of the same course of events happening with DS3. maybe he is anxious about going thru it all again with the new baby and being helpless to make things easier for. he sees the solution as him being able to put ds2 to bed.
just a thought.
my advice keep talking, and eventually you will get to the bottom of what the real issue is.

TriplePachyderm · 27/06/2010 22:31

tell him to grow up

seriously

LittleMissJudgypants · 27/06/2010 22:36

It is in now way up to him.
Your body, your rules.
Can't believe he says its embarrasing. How can it be embarassing to see hos wife do the best thing for his son.

LittleMissJudgypants · 27/06/2010 22:36

no way

skidoodly · 27/06/2010 22:42

"given my history of PND and AND why he wants to upset me so much"

FFS don't be such a child

There was a stage when DD1 would only go to sleep with DH and I found it pretty upsetting - it's not a nice feeling to not be able to put your own child to bed happily. If DH had insisted on doing something to prolong that situation I would not have been happy about it.

Having to breastfeed a child to sleep every night is very tying and presumably affected your social life before ds3 was born.

"risking our marriage and the rest of the family's happiness"

So he's telling you that this is something that is seriously affecting your relationship and the rest of the family and your response is self-pity and petulance?

You need to talk to him properly and actually LISTEN. Why is it that he thinks this is affecting your marriage? In what way does he think it has a negative effect on the rest of the family?

He's a pretty important member of that family. His opinion counts. If he thinks you are doing something that is bad for the family dynamic, don't you care about that?

"puzzled as why he is against something that actually makes his life easier"

I'm puzzled as to why you think this when it is clear that he does not.

SirBoobAlot · 27/06/2010 22:57

Honestly? I'd tell him where to go. He has no right to tell you to stop feeding. He's being an arse.

Are you okay?

ReneRusso · 27/06/2010 23:08

He does have rights surely, even if his reasoning is unsound, he is the father of these DC so he is entitled to a say in the matter.

SirBoobAlot · 27/06/2010 23:10

"the reasons given vary but include abnormal, weird, embarassing, risking our marriage and the rest of the family's happiness, that it prevents us ever going out to dinner (ridiculous as can go out after he is asleep at 7 and also small matter of 6 week old ds3!)" - None of that indicates concern about his children.

And no, as far as I'm concerned, they are a mothers breasts, and so she has all rights over them. If she decides to not breastfeed, to feed till six weeks or six years - no one has the right to tell her to do any different.

toddlerama · 27/06/2010 23:12

Is it because he no longer sees it as a nutrition issue but a 'bad' sleep habit? In which case, he is surely entitled to an opinion on the matter!!

mjinhiding · 27/06/2010 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

abbierhodes · 27/06/2010 23:15

"It is in now way up to him.
Your body, your rules."

Erm...he's the child's father! Of course he has a say. I agree that if you've just had a second child you need to go carefully, but honestly, a 2 and a half year old should not need feeding to sleep, breast or otherwise.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2010 23:21

Could it be that he wants more sex? If that is what's at the bottom of it, don't immediately berate him for being a disgusting beast - I appreciate that you have a 6-week-old and therefore it won't be at the top of your priority list anyway, but it might be that what is going through your H's mind is the possibility of years more of you BFing and therefore very little sex, your body being 'mother' rather than 'lover'.
Ask him to explain his reasons properly, listen to what he says - even though it is your body and your decision, he's entitled to have an opinion and to share his opinion with you and be listened to, at least.

solo · 27/06/2010 23:22

My Dd bfeeds to sleep more often than not and she's a year older than your Ds. Unless she's ready to, there is no other way to get her to sleep. Her father was/probably still is anti bfing and told me I should've had her on the bottle at six months...Pah!
Do what you feel is right. Yes your Dh is important, but in my book, the children always come first.

BertieBotts · 27/06/2010 23:28

There is NOTHING WRONG with breastfeeding a 2.6 year old, or breastfeeding a child of any age to sleep. He goes to sleep within 10-20 minutes when breastfed. Excellent! Many children take much longer to fall asleep without any kind of milk at all. Neither option is "better" - it's about what works for you and your family.

Of course your DH is part of the family too and entitled to his opinion. But if his reasoning is that it's "wrong" or "abnormal" then he needs to re-educate himself, because he is the one who is misinformed. "Embarrassing" is of course subjective, but if you feel self conscious about something like this it's perfectly possible to keep it within the family, nobody else has to know or judge.

abbierhodes · 27/06/2010 23:32

"There is NOTHING WRONG with breastfeeding a 2.6 year old, or breastfeeding a child of any age to sleep. He goes to sleep within 10-20 minutes when breastfed. Excellent!"

But what about when he's not breastfed? Why shouldn't his dad be able to put him to sleep? Why can't they have a bedtime routine that involves both/either parent?

"given my history of PND and AND why he wants to upset me so much"

OP, this suggests to me that you breastfeed for your own benefit, not that of your child.

SirBoobAlot · 27/06/2010 23:37

Yes, abbierhodes, because its so easy to make a two and a half year old feed, and has nothing to do with what the child wants

scottishmummy · 27/06/2010 23:37

this isnt completely about bf.all about control. he is seeking to exert his demands

calmly discuss
you like it, son likes it
bf isnt a just pack it in kind of thing
why is he being so ott?

would he really divorce over this?

abbierhodes · 27/06/2010 23:43

I don't understand that comment, sirboobalot.

SirBoobAlot · 27/06/2010 23:47

Was in response to your "OP, this suggests to me that you breastfeed for your own benefit, not that of your child.".

wastingaway · 27/06/2010 23:47

I've worked, very slowly, on separating the breastfeed from the falling asleep, so DH, or anyone else, can now put DS (2.1) to bed.
He is still breastfed, but the bedtime routine has changed, very, very gradually.

This is what I wanted to happen though.
If my husband presented me with those reasons to stop altogether I'd tell him to get fucked right off though.

abbierhodes · 27/06/2010 23:48

FWIW, I think if this guy was just a demanding, anti-breastfeeding control freak, he'd have asked the OP to stop a long time before now. I think the compromise lies in the fact that he's been supportive up until now.

For those who are suggesting it's about control...it is! The OP is completely in control, and doesn't want to give that up.

He wants you to wean your son from the breast, two years later than most people, so he can have an active part in his son's bedtime and take his wife out to dinner once in a while. Seriously, he's not sounding like a bad guy to me.

blinder · 27/06/2010 23:49

Surely if you stop bf the older child now, he will perceive it as rejection and/or the fault of the new baby. Terrible timing as you clearly know.

Is your DH finding the new baby an added pressure? Is he taking that out on you? Or does he now want ds2 to 'grow up' now that ds3 is here?

Does he fear that you will also be bf ds3 for a similar length of time?

Your comment about PND and AND sounded a bit passive aggressive. You seem to be reluctantly 'obeying' your DH. What do you want to do, as an adult and a mother?

What would be your ideal situation?

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