Breastfeeding makes me miserable

[froglegs]

My son is 4 weeks old and I am breast and bottle feeding. The truth is that I do not enjoy breastfeeding him. It takes so long and I spend my whole day feeding him and he still doesnt seem satisfied. I end up giving him a bottle so he will sleep and I can have a cup of tea! I have been diagnosed with pnd and am taking antidpressants. I think the whole breastfeeding thing is making me worse. On one hand I dread each breastfeeding session, but on the other hand I would be racked with guilt if I gave up totally. The midwifes are telling me to feed feed feed all day and night and when I am not feeding I should be expressing and it will get better but the thought of it makes my cry. Is that really the way it has to be? I feeling I am missing out on enjoying the first special weeks with my baby. Also how do people feed at night without falling asleep?. I havent slept for my than 2 hours at a time for 4 weeks and I am cracking up! Any advice? I am reaching crisis point. I really want to give up but not sure I can cope with the guilt - everyone makes you feel so guilty!

Aw, froglegs, that's so sad for you.

Firstly, no one can make you feel guilty. Only you can 'make' yourself feel guilty - no one has this level of control over your feelings.

Secondly, at the moment, you are experiencing the most difficult way to feed - breastfeeding and formula feeding and expressing. If this is sorted out you will have more time for yourself.

Thirdly, antidepressants take a little while to work, and I guess you have only been using them a short time. The evidence-based way to help with PND is to have 'talking therapies' alongside any use of anti-depressants, so you can ask your HV or doc about that, too.

I think what I am trying to explore with you is the fact that it is not breastfeeding, per se, that's making you miserable...it's the pressure from the 3 ways of feeding, the depression, and the lack of real help to sort the feeding out. Hope you get the right sort of help soon.

So glad tiktok came along, I tried to post but got tangled and deleted it. Just wanted to state my support, I have been where you are and honestly it gets better. How long have you been taking your ad?

Everything Tiktok says is so true.

Do you think it would help you if you could take it a day or week at a time? ie I will see if the feeding is quicker/less time consuming in a week before I make a decision?

Hope you get the help you need very soon, have you got someone else to do all the sterilising etc?

I felt the same as you, I have pnd, my son is now 13 weeks.

Only you can decide, but you aren't a bad person for disliking it. I hated it, it was all I ever wanted to do, but it was horrendous for. I think that it is part contributed to my pnd, as I never had a moment to myself and I began to resent my son.

You aren't a bad person if you stop, but do try and get some proper advice and support from NCT or LLL, rather than midwife- they are well meaning, but they aren't experts in it.

By what everyone says the first few weeks are the hardest.

My ds is now fully FF which was the right decision for my family.

I have been taking them for almost three weeks. I am staring a bit feel better. I just get so frustrated sitting still all day - when are you supposed to do other stuff like get dressed! I havent been out of the house for more that 2 hours at a time as I dread the thougt of feeding in public. I have sort help from lots of people but I seems the message is just to feed feed feed. I need some control over my life!

Please try not to feel guilty frogslegs. There was a thread here last week from someone dreading breast feeding their soon to be born baby after having a bad experience first time around.

I was amazed by the number of people who had struggled with breast feeding, some got through it and some (like I did 15 years ago) switched to formula feeding. The message that came out loud and clear was to do what is best for you and enjoy this time with your baby.

froglegs - if the only message you have heard to help you is 'feed feed feed' then you need different help....the midwives need to know this is simply not of any use to you. They will only know this if you tell them...and at the same time, ask about other ways of help with your PND too. Maybe you need someone to support you in getting this across - DP/DH? Friend?

Are you on your own? Try and take advantage of someone to look after your baby while you have a shower, get dressed and so forth.

Feeding in public terrified me too, but once I started, it was fine and I'm now happy to do it anywhere. You could practice in front of a mirror to reassure yourself.

Good luck and try to stick it out. This is a hump and it is worth trying to overcome it, for both of you.

froglegs, it is very early days and you have your whole life time to enjoy your lovely wee boy. Please don't feel you are wasting time by not being happy. ALmost everyone really struggles with their new baby. It is such hard work and there is nothing in return for all your hard work yet, but there will be.

I hated the newborn stage. I am pg atm and dread it with this one, but at least now I know it is remarkably short, though it feels long at the time.

I found bfing a nightmare and had no help (no MN at the time either) and gave up after a fortnight. Giving up made me feel awful and I don't really know if it was the right thing or not. I know I desperately want to do it with no.2, tbh mainly for my own pride.

DOn't worry if you fall asleep during night feeds. Everyone does.

If you do decide to give up the bfing, let it go. If you decide to keep going, you really need to get some good help, not just a hv who is there for half an hour, always when the wee one is sleeping. COmbining bfing, expressing and ffing at this stage is terribly hard work. I found expressing even harder than feeding becasue it took twice as long.

Afaik, most wee babies are permenantly attached for the first few weeks. Unfortunatley noone really tells you this before hand. But it is a short stage and if you feed lying down in bed, you will get more sleep. I know it is not 'ideal' but tbh sitting in a chair to feed and nodding off is even worse.

Whatever you chose, do not feel guilty. Your wee one will thrive either way. But you have to be happy with your choice.

I know where you're coming from - I was beginning to resent DD for needing feeding the whole time, and also DH as he was sleeping through all the night feeds and snoring while I was sat there near tears.

A couple of nights I expressed milk (or got some out of the freezer - I built up a stock while DD was in SCBU) and told DH he was in charge of night feeds. It's amazing how much clearer I could think after 6 consecutive hours of sleep!

I managed to get through it, as when I was at breaking point DD changed her feeding, only waking once or twice overnight, which seemed so much better. However, if you decide to move to FF then that's the right decision for you.

Often advice given by 'professionals' is difficult - or wrong! I am really struggling at the moment as my 7.5 month old DD is fully BF and I want to move to mixed feeding, with a view to either her becoming fully FF or BF for one or 2 feeds per day and the rest FF. No-one I've spoken to will give me any support to do this because I am producing plenty of milk for her and they can't understand that I just want a break!

Hope you can get through this, and remember, you and DS are the important ones here!

Do not let the 'breast is best' campaign make you feel guilty. For some breastfeeding simply doesn't work, for a whole number of reasons. It didn't work very well for me resulting in lactation consultants, endless feeding and expressing and me being constantly exhausted and tearful. People said the silliest things. At the time it was very upsetting, but now looking back on it their comments were tactless, laughable and downright stupid at times.

After about 3 months, we decided that just breastfeeding and bottles of formula was the way forward. The pump got archived. After that, being a mum became the most wonderful thing ever. No longer did I think 'oh gawd, what have I done....'. Mixed feeding continued till 5 months, then it was bottles only.

I'm now pregnant again and if I end up in the same boat would whip the bottles out, no problem.

You are doing brilliantly.

Hello froglegs, (((hugs sweeti))) its so very hard, i (among a million others) have been EXACTLY were you are right now! Firstly, its not the breastfeeding thats the hardest part its the whole ritual of it all, you seem to be feeding all the time and have all of 2 minutes to yourself before baby is yowling again! I personally, gave up out of sheer exhaustion and frustration, only to find pretty quickly that bottle-feeding wasnt a miraculous alternative, and was pretty much just as hard work but in different ways!! I then went on to have 2 more lovely children after that and breastfed them for almost a year and a year and a half, and i learnt a VERY good lesson, my persistence and stubborn determination is what cracked it. The first 6 - 8 weeks are the hardest, and you will find it easier after that, there will be a gradual routine that develops and you will appreciate the convenience of not having to warm bottles, and dealing with colic. DONT force yourself out of guilt, or pressure from people, FORGET everyone and their opinions, you do what YOU feel is best for you and your baby, but remember that you have alot to contend with when you are exhausted emotionally, physically, mentally etc and ALL you seem to do is feed and cry, and look a wreck and ache for some sleep, but like a said, bottle feeding isnt a miracle cure for these things, it just seems like it might be. How long have you been taking anti-depressents? do you feel they are working yet? How about your dp/dh how does he feel? how much are you talking to him about how you feel?

hello frogleges I so get where you're coming from. Don't force yourself to carry on bf can be soul destroying. I hated it with dd as it was constant for 4.5 months and she wouldn't take a bottle.

Have found it mildly better with ds as it's not so relentless but am beginning to experience pnd again as he too is now refusing the bottle and I'm really struggling with the trapped feeling . Really want to do mixed or exclusive ff but he won't let me. Am just crying and crying and pnd is getting worse by the day.

Feelings and experiences about bf are directly related to pnd ime. When dd finally took a bottle a cloud lifted and the pnd went. I know the same thing will happen with ds but am beginning to despair that he'll ever take a bottle, wish I'd never bothered with bf this time round now I've got trapped again.

Please don't feel guilty, the relentlessness of bf is horrible. Re feeding in public though, I felt anxious about it at first but I've got my head round it as otherwise I'd be truly trapped. Now i'm used to it it's really not bad at all and infinitley worse than being chained to the house so please give it a go for the sake of your own sanity. I promise it's ok.

I'm afraid my advice based on bitter experience is if bf's affecting your mental health then stop.

Thanks for all the replies. I should point out that I found breastfeeding hard from the start as my baby was forceps delivered and would not feed fot the first 48 hours and he was jundiced and we were advised to give a bit of formula. also I have been quite ill with infections and high blood pressure - both of which I am still on medication for.

also I have never had that full breast feeling or engorgement or leaky breasts people talk about. if I continue to feed will this come?

I never had the full breast feeling, or got engorged either.

Always darkest before dawn... I think there's a bit of a dip when the baby is about 4 weeks old. You're totally shattered and the baby's still being incredibly demanding... at some point from now onwards you'll start to notice each week is a little easier...

froglegs . So sorry you are feeling this way. It does get easier, I promise. You've had a hard start with his delivery and the first couple of days, so you have done amazingly well to bf this far. This first intense bit is the hardest, and you just need to focus on what you need to do to get through the next few weeks... Ideally, you need someone to look after you so that you can look after your baby. You need to go to bed, now, with your baby, and stay there, snuggled up with lots of skin-to-skin contact, and let DS suckle as much as he wants to - this will get your supply going much quicker than any expressing will. Lie down next to him, with lots of pillows behind your back to support you, and learn to feed him lying down - then tell yourself it's okay to relax and let go, and you should be able to sleep. You won't be able to keep going on less than 2 hours at a stretch.

Also you could try to take long warm baths with your baby in the semi-dark and feed him there - this will relax you both. If you can find someone to help you in and out of the bath with him, and help with drying him etc, this would be great.

Pretty soon, once your supply is sorted out, DS will become more settled, and you will be able to get dressed and go out! Please don't feel guilty; the best mother your DS can have is a happy mother. I know right now it seems so hard and like it will never end, but it does. Sending you hugs and hope you get them in RL too... good luck.

If you are keen to persist with breastfeeding and feel you need more milk, you could ask your Dr for a 'domperidone' prescription. It's a licensed nausea medication but has the side effect of encouraging milk production. Try googling it. I was given it after a recomendation by a SCBU specialist nurse. It did help - my milk almost went completely, long story I won't go into, and with the meds and expressing it came back. You can also try fenugreek pills (health food shops sell them), but you need to take loads and end up smelling like maple syrup!

Lactation consultants can be a great help, and are generally pretty sensible (well, I found one a lot more help the the HV or MW on this matter). La Leche League can put you in touch with one locally.

Eitherway, really don't worry if you just can't face BFing anymore. You don't walk around looking at grown-ups and think 'oh dear, I bet he was formula fed'. It really doesn't matter in the long run.

Hi. Thanks for the advice. Last night was really bad.I was determined to breastfeeding him only throughout the night but after feeding him pretty much continuously from 6.30pm to 12.30 am I gave up and gave him formula. he still didnt sleep until about 5am this morning. I don't know why, he was fed, winded and clean. I have tried feeding laying down but find it impossible and get really worked up and so does the baby. I am getting to the point know where I even when my partner takes him for a couple of hours I still can't sleep cos I am so wired.

I know I have to let him suckle all the time to build up my supply but how do people physically do it? Even the thought Of going to the shops to get supplements etc makes me tired- I will only go as far as the local shop.

Also over the last couple of weeks I have had the odd shooting pain in my breasts and the nipples have gone a pinky colour - do you like I might have thrush? I have been on antibiotics for they past 3 weeks.

I know I sound really self-pitying - I am so happy to have my baby - why does it feel like the end of the world?

I've never had thrush there but I did get mastitis (sp??) very sore boobs and eventually got a red V shape, it makes you feel really unwell too flu like.

I would try and see the out of hours dr today whilst your partner is around to help to determine whether it is thrush or something else and get treatment seeing as though you struggling already.

209.85.229.132/search?q=cache:U31h9ehn7JcJ:www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Mastitis/Pages/Symptoms.aspx+mastit is+symptoms&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=uk there may be a better website with more detail on it somewhere.

Hi Frogslegs and congratulations on your new son and for managing to bf for 4 weeks. You are doing fab (despite feelings to the contrary).

Remember that feeding the baby is the priority, be it by breast or bottle and do what feels right for you.

I HATED bf, the time it took, the fear of "exposing" myself in public, was I doing it right and it just seemed relentless. However I kept setting new targets, could I do 3 days, 1 week, 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 2 months, 3 months etc etc. I concentrated on just reaching my next milestone. One year on and I am still going, interestingly enough though I was the only one of all my friends who didn't go to formula and it made no difference to sleep patterns (some sleep better, some worse!) physical or mental development (he is the biggest boy in the group).

What I would say is quit the expressing for the moment and give yourself a break, find a local bf group or even a bf friendly cafe and sit yourself in there and try to speak to other bf mums.

Remember you are developing a skill and once confident, you will relax and enjoy all the benefits including a regular afternoon nap together on the bed with little one!

Good luck with whatever you decide and well done for reaching the 4 week milestone

Apologies in advance, this will be long.

Hello Froglegs - oh I feel for you. All I can do is give you my experience/feelings on the matter; first the similarities.

I had high blood pressure/pre-eclampsia, and carried on with my drugs for 6 months after (with DC2 only a month after). I was on antibiotics for a month or so on and off too, and had PND well, in fact, before I even had the baby, but diagnosed/medicated at 6 weeks post-partum.

I hated breastfeeding, and yet he was putting on a huge amount of weight so I clung to the fact that it was the one thing I could do well. I resented the physicality of it. So yes, it was the breastfeeding, the feeling that I was "it", no one else could do it for us, and at this stage I couldn't even think about bottles/expressing/formula. I was also made to feel more guilty (didn't need the help tbh) by my mother who went on and on and on and on about how important it was.

Tiktok, i would respectfully add that I think when you're at such a low ebb, the usual "only you can make yourself feel guilty" maxim (which I agree with normally) is off the table. Anyone can get to you with anything at that point, particularly when you're depressed (or maybe just my mother?).

I was of course completely sleep deprived, and at sea, and didn't know what day it was, which didn't help.

I had an HV for whom bfding was the answer to everything - feeling low? latch him on, crying? latch him on, odd rash? latch him on.

So in retrospect I think for us it was a sign that something was up. He did need more food. I have no idea if it's appalling to say that, but it made a difference to my baby. IF you really really aren't producing enough milk I don't think it stops them putting on weight. Mine still did, but only because of constant feeding I think now.

If this is possible, then domperidone is your friend.

Motilium is the over the counter name, but ask on here for further details if you go that path.....or look at this www.asklenore.info/breastfeeding/induced_lactation/domfaq/howlong.html and talk to your doctor (maybe take some info with you). Personally, I would suggest trying it for a week and seeing if it makes a difference, as long as the doctor can't think of another reason for a problem. It's your milk, only more of it. Beforehand, People kept saying to me, is he feeding? Well yes, he was on there non-stop, but apparently some babies pull on and off if there isn't enough milk. DS didn't, he keep chugging away!! So a helpful midwife recommended Motilium (I will never forget, Sainsbury's carpark, Christmas Eve, 7am)... Suddenly he was happy for 3-4 hours at a time, waking up only 1,2,3 times a night. That was at 10 weeks.

I've experienced this again this time, and am now taking just 2-3 tablets a day, but it's fantastic.

Back to making you feel better...by just thinking about how long it was since I last fed him (10 minutes?!), and then when there was DH around, just hand him over and, depending on the time of day, get in a warm bath for 20 minutes with a book and ear plugs, go for a short walk round the block. Didn't have to be long, but just something that made me feel a tiny bit revived.

I also found that I couldn't sleep when I took my antidepressants at night btw, so i've always taken them in the morning since then, just fyi......

If I still couldn't sleep, I'd take a paracetamol. These days I'd have a half glass of wine, but I wouldn't have done that with the first. Even a cup of chamomile tea (if you don't have hayfever/asthma in the family) might help, or boring stuff like hot milk?

Try and give yourself little rituals like that, which are just yours. First thing in the morning, DH bringing you a cup of tea.
Shower before he leaves and just DO it. I spent 6 months barely washing, which in retrospect was just stupid (not you, me).

Counselling is essential I think. I had some on the NHS and then paid for some. We stopped the mortgage for a couple of months to get some money together to pay for it. It felt that important. It was.

Good luck, and hope some of that helps. As I said, this is what worked for me, and the fact that with every day that passes, it gets marginally less wearing.

I nearly gave up completely.... but kept going to 13 months in the end.

Don't feel guilty about it. I know there is tremendous pressure to breastfeed, but do what you FEEL is right for yourself and the little one.

My wife had similar issues (reading your post it was like she had written it!), and since she stopped BF'ing her whole relationship with our little one changed completely.

At this stage I have to hold my hands up and say that I could have been more supportive, but I had become indoctrinated by the "breastfeeding is best" and wasnt looking at the bigger picture.

One word of caution. I found the NCT to be useless. They were so pro breastfeeding they couldnt give us impartial advice. Maybe thats just our local chapter.

Jackaroo - you say I'm wrong to say to the OP that 'no one can make you feel guilty' and when someone is at a low ebb, they can 'get' to you.

Well, I know. Obviously, someone else's reactions/comments/attitude can affect the way we feel about ourselves.

I did not intend to deny that.

What I was pointing out was the fact that ultimately we are in charge of our own feelings. No one can permanently prevent us from taking control of our attitudes, beliefs, self-esteem...and while we can't change what other people think or do or say, we can can change what we think or do or say.

So if someone 'makes' you 'feel guilty', then with thought and determination and understanding, you can refuse to let them have that power. Froglegs has only been a mother for a few weeks. This is easily a short enough time to resist people 'making her feel guilty' for stopping/continuing breastfeeding.