Breastfeeding makes me miserable

[froglegs]

My son is 4 weeks old and I am breast and bottle feeding. The truth is that I do not enjoy breastfeeding him. It takes so long and I spend my whole day feeding him and he still doesnt seem satisfied. I end up giving him a bottle so he will sleep and I can have a cup of tea! I have been diagnosed with pnd and am taking antidpressants. I think the whole breastfeeding thing is making me worse. On one hand I dread each breastfeeding session, but on the other hand I would be racked with guilt if I gave up totally. The midwifes are telling me to feed feed feed all day and night and when I am not feeding I should be expressing and it will get better but the thought of it makes my cry. Is that really the way it has to be? I feeling I am missing out on enjoying the first special weeks with my baby. Also how do people feed at night without falling asleep?. I havent slept for my than 2 hours at a time for 4 weeks and I am cracking up! Any advice? I am reaching crisis point. I really want to give up but not sure I can cope with the guilt - everyone makes you feel so guilty!

MrUmble - glad things worked out well for you and your wife and baby in the end.

NCT does not give 'advice'. We share information and offer support. I am an NCT breastfeeding counsellor. The clue is in the name!! We do help people with the transition to formula if breastfeeding is not working for them, but we will not tell someone to formula feed .... not sure if that's what you mean by not being impartial. Tell me more

Hi Tiktok - I cannot agree with your last line, but wanted to acknowledge your reply. I hope that Froglegs has had an easier night.....

J

Jackaroo - I don't mean that Frog can simply decide not to feel guilty and - pow! - everything's fine. But four weeks is easily short enough time to (as I said) 'resist' this....she could start 'resisting' straight away

Aaah, I see. You were looking forward, rather than what had happened already. Yes, well, I found that just not letting anyone tell me anything unasked was the only way to go Still can't resist my mother though, even after all this therapy

Hi Froglegs I'm finding feeding lying down really hard this time for some reason (didn't do much else with the older 2 for weeks) so have started doing night feeds with loads of pillows all around me so that if I do fall asleep I'm completely supported.

Might be worth a try if you haven't already. The long pregnancy support pillows are really good for wrapping round you and supporting you and the baby. I am really trying not to fall asleep but my DS has a fondness for feeding for a 2-3 hour stint from about 2.30am so I feel I'm fighting a losing battle. Last night I was in tears as I couldn't get him to settle but I know it will get easier which is the one thing that really helps me get through it.

Whatever you decide you need to look after yourself - good luck.

I think the fact it the I want to give up breastfeeding but I can't take the leap. The problem i am having is that I don't have the patiance for it. Is that a good enough reason to stop?

I enjoy feeding him for about 20 minutes then I get this intense feeling of irritation and frustration as I don't know if he is even getting any milk as he is always unlatching himself and crying and I keep having to put him back on. He always sucks nicely when I go see a midwife or bf counseller but then falls off the breast as soon as they leave!

If I just bf he never does a poo - it seems like i have to give him formula just to get him to open his bowels. He often doesnt do a poo for 2-3 days. WE get lots of wet nappies thou.

I have been told for over two weeks that it will get better - but when! What I really want to know is that will there ever be a point where he sucks for half an hour and be satisfied for 3 hours?

I simply cannot fall asleep when he is on me. I am too scared that I will suffocate him plus if I dont hold his head he just falls off the breast.

Last night I was so exhausted I just gave him to my partner and he bottlefeed him and I went to bed - the irony is that I lay awake for 2 hours because I has so wired and anxious and had to take a sleeping tablet to drop off!

Froglegs Congratulations on your new baby and well done for getting to week 4 and a from me BF at this stage can be so hard. Ticktok and Car Girl make sense.

DS fed so much I felt he was becoming a broach I had very little support from the imediate family so I was pretty much aqlone. The PCT HVs were helpful and a local group were supportive too.

I made little hurdles to get over. These were

Get the 1st 3 weeks over with then see
Get him to double his lowest weight
Get him to double his birth weight
See how it goes after 3 mths.

tiny steps but it's what we needed. I ended up feeding DS for 13.5 mths!

Please do not feel guilty about switching to formula. BFing doesn't work for everyone and it may not for you. So loong as you babe is getting nourished then so what.

All the best with it all

Frog - the lack of poo is normal at this age. There is no need to be anxious about something that's normal

20 mins plus to feed is normal and it is normal for bottle feeding, too...babies vary in the length of time it takes to feed and of course many of them like sucking and they like the closeness so it's understandable if they take longer

Talking to someone who would listen will help you work out the component part that breastfeeding plays in all this - being intensely irritated and frustrated with a baby who seems to feed erratically is normal for anyone but it would be made worse for someone with depression, and using a bottle is no guarentee of smooth feeding either.

I do think a lot of this - the anxiety and the stress and the frustration - is the depression, plus the difficulty of 'connecting' with your baby during feeding...all of which would be part of a talking therapy with the right person.

hi froglegs - I'm 6 weeks further on than you, in that my DS is 10 weeks old now - but he fed pretty much constantly for the first 8 weeks. even with a formula or EBM 'top up', the longest he would sleep would be 2 hours, than he was up wanting fed again. most nights from week 3-week 8, we were lucky if he'd go down before 11, then he'd be up at 1, and cluster feed all night and day. The only time he wasn't feeding was when I took him out for a walk for an hour every lunchtime, so I (and my nipples) could have a rest. Also, on a weekend, my DP would take him for 2 hours, put him in a sling, and let me sleep. without that, DS may not have made it this far...

However, after his immunisations (this is coincidence I'm sure!), he had a bit of a fever, so I gave him some calpol, and he slept for 4 hours! and since then he's been feeding a lot less, and sleeping a lot more. I think the calpol maybe broke his 2 hour sleep cycle, or maybe the shock of immunisations scared the crap out of him, and made him sleep more? (more likely it was just going to happen then anyway)

He is still gaining weight at a ludicrous rate (6.5 kilos now, from 4 at birth), but at night he can sleep 10.30-2, 2.30-5, 5.30-9, then he's up for the day. it's lovely, and was worth persevering, but believe me, not a day went by that I didn't mutter 'formula' to my DP. and not a night feed went by that I wasn't sobbing hopelessly with a baby draining me dry. For me, it now seems like it was worth it to have those dreadful few weeks post birth to build up the supply of milk.

A friend of mine had a similar situation to me with a baby that never seemed satisfied, but she switched to mixed feeding after 2 weeks, then exclusively formula after 7 weeks. I saw her last week and she looks so so much happier - bf was not for her.

so long as a) baby is happy and healthy, and b) you are happy and healthy, the method of feeding is irrelevant. It may magically get better for you (like it luckily did for me), it might not - good luck, and I hope you are able to get a good night's sleep soon!

But is 20 minutes feeding normal if he wants another 20 minutes five minutes later and so on and so on all flipping day and night long! He might sleep a bit during that time but not for longer than an hour. Will he ever be satisfied and sleep for longer than this? The only time he ever sleeps for more than an hour is when I give him formual.

I think the depression is a result of the breastfeeding not the other way round.

Frog - might it help to try to do something you love during daytime feeds, i.e. read a novel, watch telly or mumsnet? It's possible that the minutes will pass without you counting them so much.

With DD (who was taking 40 mins to feed at that age) I read novels. With DS I watched every episode of The Wire. Often I found myself latching them back on when theyd really had enough just to read/watch a few more minutes!

I couldn't feed either of them lying down till they got a bit bigger.

Are you eating enough as well?

froglegs - I feel your pain! DD is 8 weeks now, and until about 6 weeks it felt as if all I was doing was feeding her, and if I wasn't feeding her I was working out when I had to feed her next and when I'd have time to take the washing out of the machine! It was frustrating for both me and DP that all that she wanted was to feed. When she cried DD1 would shout - MUM!! Maia needs a boobie!!!

Have you tried a dummie?? With Maia I figured that she was just wanting to suck something - and decided that I wasn't a dummie!!

If you are mixed feeding do you have someone you can leave baby with while you get some sleep?? Even having a few hours uninterrupted an make a huge difference.

I think that with Maia it has been easier for me than with DD1, because with second babies you know that there is an end in sight and that eventually things get better. With DD1 I thought I'd never get a full nights sleep again!

How do you read a book or type when breatfeeding?

No-one seems to understand its not 40 mintues or 20 minutes or an hour its pretty much ALL THE TIME!!! I can entertain myself for an hour - but after 3,4,5 hours I am bored!! I am a prisoner! I have to leave him in a room crying just to go to the loo. In fact I am doing that now just to type this

At least with formula he will be statified for a bit longer and I can do stuff.

The more advice I get the more I feel like a total failure. All you mums seem so calm and more capable.

The big quesion is - when will I know Ive cracked it?

you're not a failure!

calm and capable????????? I wish!

i got a support cushion which i wedge ds on to enable me to feed him 1 handed. it brings him level with my boob so i can just support the boob whilst the cushion supports him. then i mn with the other hand!
haven't masdtered reading a book whilst bf yet.

frog - I totally understand about the advice making you feel bad, even though people are trying to help out of goodwill and kindness - to you it reads like they did/are doing so well, and you are not.

People do understand about the time it takes to breastfeed - on and off, on and off, for many hours day after day. This is why I am suggesting that talking therapy will help you and your baby, but you may not be in a good 'place' to take the suggestion on board.

One further suggestion is actually to stay off the talkboards - seriously! Give yourself a break from the stuff coming at you....

Tiktok is the one to listen to. I would just bf at this stage, take time to sit and enjoy your baby,. Relax about getting stuff done, this age doesn't last forever and housework can wait. I would guess that if you're trying other ways of feeding your body hasn't had a chance to make the right amount of milk for your baby.

GIve yourself a break too, watch a little Jeremy Vile, this morning and other such pleasures that for most of your life you have too many brain cells to watch.

Contrary to popular myths many many babies feed like this at first.

I think "stay off the talkboards" is awful advice - for many women who are stuck at home with a tiny fed-on-demand baby, no sleep and no spare cash, MN is the only kind of "talking therapy" they are going to get

it's certainly saved my proverbial bacon once or twice

I remember vividly feeling the way you do OP - the tiredness is just way way beyond anything you've experienced before, you feel like you've been clubbed over the head, your breasts hurt and you dread the sound of the baby crying because it means feeding, feeding and yet more feeding

it was one of the most horrendous periods of my life

BUT IT DOES GET EASIER

I agree with the poster who said darkest before dawn - this will not go on for ever. Please don't think all the mums on here are just better or more competent than you - they are not - it's just that some have left this phase behind so don't currently feel as dreadful as you do - that doesn't mean they didn't or that you are coping "less well" than others

good luck with whatever you decide to do xx

Oh dear. It was a suggestion, Greensleeves, not advice. Staying on the boards and reading people's posts is making the OP feel 'like a failure'. So I suggested staying away for a while. It is not meant to be a criticism of the mumsnet boards, which are helpful for many people...the OP is free to take or reject the suggestion, naturally

Sorry tiktok, my post reads very harshly there

I shouldn't have said "awful advice". I just think it's better to keep a line of communication open, and for many women in the OP's position MN can be a lifeline, sometimes the only lifeline

But I WANT to get stuff done and I can't bear daytime TV! - sorry.

To be honest, knowing the research in this area, it's more important and has more long-term impact for you not to have depression than for you to breastfeed your baby. If you are sure depression is a result of breastfeeding, then stop.

Greensleeves, I agree, it can be a lifeline. In this particular case it seemed not to be....I was not suggesting staying away as a general principle

Can I add with my first two babies, no MN, I had a struggle to feed long term. I was told by a GP that DS1 was greedy and give a dummy half way through a feed so only managed 16 weeks and never told baout cluster feeds and so ds2 lost weight and I ff from 14 weeks..... only with dcs 2 & 3 did I manage a year, which is what I wanted.