Am I the only mother on the planet who CHOSE bottle-feeding?

[CottageChicken]

I read extensively, did lots of soul-searching, and decided breastfeeding just wasn't something that was the right path for me and DC. Consulted DP who wanted a very active role in the feeding and supported 100%, we did 50/50 on all feeds from Day 1. Most people have been great about it, but of course there are the Breastfeeding Nazis and just general disapproval stares.

Did anyone else actively choose not to breastfeed? I don't regret my choice at all but it would be nice to hear from others.

By the way - mine are very happy, rarely ill, well-adjusted babies before you ask how many ear infections they've had, as more than 1 random person on the street has done .

I ff, am i the only one in the world who has never been tutted at or been given dirty looks when ff in public? Unless everyone is tutting and giving me evils but i just don't notice?

I often wonder, where are all these "bf nazis" that are out giving women with bottles in their hands ff their baby dirty looks and tutting at them? Where, where and where?

there you go MsS

You know, I have to say - even though I felt upset about not being able to breastfeed at the time, I am not sorry anymore. It's completely taboo to say, but a lot of women who FF do eventually find that it works out really well for them. You're not supposed to say that, are you? That sometimes you are quite pleased that you don;t breastfeed. That sometimes it is lovely to have your husband/mum/friend/someone else feed your baby. that you enjoy a glass of wine or three of an evening guilt-free.

I had a really traumatic first labour and have had two c-sections, and for me, I found the physical demand of breastfeeding one demand too many. If that makes me selfish, so be it. I know I am not alone, though.

I think the best word to use to describe my feelings about not breastfeeding ar 'it's regrettable'. I am certainly not crying into my box of SMA about it, though. not all of us are.

tiktok, i have the utmost respect for your advice and insights on BFing, but i think you are being unfair about what you consider appropriate guidelines for expression in this forum.

you are also overlooking a lot of previous history on these threads, that you have been a part of, showing that there is most definitely at lot of judgment against FF.

If the post were from a woman looking for support about her infant feeding decision, i might have a different view on RSB's comments. However, the OP was deliberately provocative, making this much more of an "Am I being unreasonable" type thread, where strong opinions will be expressed.

bambipie has made some sensible observations, IMO, that I suppose will be next to be attacked?

Is this a forum to exchange ideas and experiences and perhaps get some support? I sometimes wonder. Some people seem to use it as a tool for making themselves feel better at the expense of others.

"This is all very interesting. I must admit that I do feel sad when I see a baby being bottle fed, I just can't help it - but I would never say anything and I hope my face would not reveal my thoughts. Why do I feel sad? Because I know that the woman hasn't been able to BF (so I feel sad for her, that she might be sad) or that she hasn't really wanted to BF, in which case I wonder why."

Bambipie, with the greatest respect for your sympathies for bottle feeding mothers, you don't know she hasn't been able to / hasn't wanted to BF unless you discuss it with her. She might be fully breastfeeding at home, and be giving her baby a bottle of EBM. She might have BF for as long as she felt comfortable, and now moved on, or might be mixed feeding and this is her baby's one bottle of formula a day. Her baby might have a dairy intolerance serious enough to react to her breastmilk, and might need soya/hydrolysed formula; or have got a couple of teeth - wrestling with a baby that chews painfully on your nipple whilst in public is not easy! Without a conversation about the wherefores and whys (and starting such a conversation with a complete stranger is, to be fair, probably a no-no!) all you can do is assume.

And BTW, goodnightmoon, I hope you don't interpret this as an attack on bambipie's comments, as it was certainly not intended that way.

no, i agree, we rarely know what any particular person's circumstances are. that is why I do think glaring looks or anything of that nature are very unfair.

full disclosure: i mix feed my 9 month old.

i do think it is natural to have knee-jerk reactions though. For example, I might feel a bit "sad" or something if I see a mum feeding her toddler a Coke and crisps on the bus, though for all I know she is at her wit's end to get him to chill out and just wants to get him home where she can give him some lovely organic food she has whipped up.

everyday, just going about our business, we draw upon our beliefs, prejudices, etc. to pass opinion on what we see around us. i am all for walking in someone else's shoes before passing judgment on that person, but you can also have a strong system of beliefs and the conviction to defend them.

"But, it does annoy me when people don't breastfeed. It annoys me even more when people don't even attempt to. People may argue that they thoroughly researched
the topic and decided that breastfeeding wasn't for them. But to that, I'd counter that when you have a baby, things no longer revolve around you but around
your child.

Similarly, people may say they 'tried' to breastfeed and failed. Again, I sometimes wonder how hard they tried. How much research of the topic they did
whilst pregnant? How many breastfeeding counsellors they saw? Whether they tried to pump and feed, rather than move straight onto formula?" It annoys you? And what business of yours is it actually?

It is attitudes like this that lead to the term "breastfeeding nazi", and leave women who ff feeling as if they have to justify it, when actually, no-one should have to justify their feeding choices to anyone.

How do you feel when people judge you because you were a teenage parent? When people feel sorry for your children because they assume that as a teenage parent you must have been a crap mother? Not very nice is it? Ever heard the saying "judge not lest ye be judged"?

Fwiw I bottlefed after trying to bf but I didn't produce milk. Not didn't produce enough milk, didn't produce any milk, none. Once the collostrum dried up that was it. But I never encountered any tuts from people in rl, and as I am visually impaired I couldn't see any disapproving looks if there were any (every cloud ). It wasn't until I came on mn that I encountered any kind of hostility towards mothers who bottlefeed. Perhaps it's because people find it easier to write down their judgemental views than to express them face to face. After all on a website it's not real people you are talking to is it? Not like looking someone in the eye and spouting your judgemental views at them.

It also seems to me, at least on Mumsnet, that there is a perception that using bottles to top up means you have failed to bf. I would certainly have bf for a much shorter period had I not had this as an option.

I actually think there are fair fewer people who judge you than there are pro-bf who want to support you. I came across one of them after regrettably switching to ff after trying to bf for 6 weeks (and yes rockinsockbunnies, I did try very hard, not that it is any of your business whether I tried at all) and she did really upset me. I was feeling crap enough already so her snide remarks did a lot of damage and could have undone all the fantastic work done by bfc and the like if I had let her.

wannaBe - Of course, objectively, it's none of my business. But then what business is anything of anyone's? Look at the snob thread to see how much everyone judges other people in real life!

I'm sure people have judged me when I became pregnant as a single teenage mother. It didn't really concern me, since I set out to dispel the usual myths about teenage parents and think I've achieved that quite successfully. Furthermore, I've never really been the kind of person that gives a damn what other people think.

Also, in retrospect, I wish everyone was a bit more judgemental of teenage parents. If it was still a taboo subject, perhaps the rates of teenage pregnancy in this country could be lowered. Anyhow...that's a whole other debate which I'm sure my views will no doubt cause others to come and shriek in horror at.....

I have thought often over the last year since discovering mumsnet that I wish I had known about it when my children were tiny. Then I read a thread like this and I'm very glad I didn't!

I happily breastfed DS1 and assumed I would do the same for DS2. He was a total nightmare to feed, it would come out of his nose, he would vomit whole feeds and the pain was quite unlike any other I had experienced with DS1. I expressed for a while, then formula, and eventually high calorie formula as by the time he was four months old he was very unwell. When he was four years old we finally got a diagnosis for him and amongs that it was discovered he had a sub mucus cleft palate, undetectable unless by x-ray, therefore making it impossible to breastfeed him.

As others have said a disapproving stare that may have gone in my direction would have upset me greatly at the stage when we were switching to formula, and actually at a time when I was very, very vunerable. Thankfully I didn't come across it in RL.

Hi, I tried to breastfeed my son whilst in hospital, and after a very painful c-section!. However, after a few days and much heartache I chose to bottlefeed as i was having problems getting him to latch on, in a comfortable position for both of us. At first i felt bad, (particularly as the MW's were so unsupportive of bottlefeeders!)but i now don't regret my decision as in the circumstances i think it was the right thing to do. my son is also very healthy and has had less colds,bugs and viruses than his pals who have been breastfed!. That said, it wouldn't stop me trying to BF next time if the circumstances were different.

jeee, the views of a few posters are not reflective of the whole of MN and topping up with formula/mixed feeding is NOT seen as a failure ime. I'm saddened that you would think that.

Most of the breastfeeding supporters/champions on here, and all of the breastfeeding counsellors would be very supportive of that course of action if it meant BFing could continue for longer, although they will try and suggest ways to move back to full time BFing as it can and often does lead onto full time FF.

hi im a student breast feeding counsellor...im hoping not a nazi!lol

i believe in mums choice, happy mummy, happy baby!!
but i cant help being really excited about all im learning about breast feeding and breast milk!! i breastfed my 3 girls and thankfully had no problems or issues like many other mums do, im glad i did it, and glad i can now support other mums!

MrsMattie, with ebm, someone else can feed your baby. And if you breastfeed, you can still drink wine.

I appreciate the sentiment behind your post - and I'm very glad you found happiness with your choice - but I don't like myths going unchallenged on here. I've seen women say they stopped bfing because they wanted to have a drink - when if they'd had better info, they'd have known they could do both.

BF in public is very much the done thing where I am in London. And overall I think UK society is very BF friendly, with 9 months of maternity pay, and up to a year off work. Yet countries such as the US, where there is no mandated leave, have a much better BF rate (and for longer).

"Every bfing woman has to be a current-culture-rebuffer, work on her own self-confidence, drastically change her expectations, possibly give up work for longer than she intended and her employer expects, revisit her relationships with members of her family and friends, possibly fight her GP and HV, become a researcher........."

Could not agree more.

Well put!

"And overall I think UK society is very BF friendly, with 9 months of maternity pay, and up to a year off work."

Chandellina, this policy may look BF friendly but it is actually little more than lip service. To say that in the UK you get 9 months of maternity pay is a massive distortion of the facts: you get 6 weeks at 90% of your pay, the rest is about £100 a week after tax/NI UNLESS you have an employer who is more generous than the government standard (I was very lucky to fall into this category, and even then I had to go back to work when my baby was 5 months old). I personally do not believe it is coincidence that there is such a huge drop-off in BFing at around the 6 week mark.

For a family in which the mother's income is supplementary, then yes, the full 9 months, or even the year, might be possible. But when her income is the main, or only, source of income for the household and even a 10% pay cut is going to make things tight, dropping down to £100 a week, or nothing, is not an option.

I cannot believe that the government is wholeheartedly behind exclusive breastfeeding to 6 months for mothers at ALL levels of income whilst statutory maternity pay is anything less than 80% for those 6 months.

Hunker, I am not perpetuating myths. Honestly. I am just putting forward my own experience in an honest and open way. I sometimes feel like it is taboo to be a happy formula feeder! I didn't enjoy breastfeeding and am glad I stopped. Others feel differently. We all make the best of our own situations (if we are sensible) and the myth that FF-ing mums are all secretly miserable and our babies are to be pitied just gets to me.

I do appreciate that you have an agenda, and I support it, actually.

I just think we have to live in the real world, where women do formula feed or mixed feed for all sorts of reasons. Working on ways to improve breastfeeding rates - that's great. Criticising women who have already stopped breastfeeding...what's the point?

Only just noticed this heated debate.
I was bullied into BFing my DS - and hated every minute of it. Gave up, well actually by DH forced me to after 2 weeks. It didnt hurt or anything but i hated it.
With my DD, 4 years later I knew I wasn't even going to try.
I have absolutely no regrets, only that I gave in to the bullies the first time round - but then as a first time mum I think I was weak.
Judge me if you wish - but I believe in a mother's right to choose what is right for her.

chandellina, you say "yet countries such as the US, where there is no mandated leave, have a much better BF rate (and for longer)."

Er, no....where'd you get that from??

The US rate is rather lower than ours, and they breasfeed for less time, and there is a lot of pumping of breastmilk.