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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Friend is "topping up" her 6-week old bf baby - how can I help?

137 replies

HaventSleptForAYear · 25/07/2008 14:31

Am really stuck about how to give advice to bf friends without interfering.

Saw a friend recently who has been following a famous "routine" involving a bottle at 10pm (formula) and bf the rest of the time.

She now seems to be losing confidence and takes formula out with her "in case he's hungry". BF is still sore for her.

I BF DS1 with difficulty to start off with and have told her about this, but am worried that within a few weeks she will have given up and will then will feel bad about it (she has hinted at this).

Am really wary about interfering but feel sad if I can't help her out a little.

Any advice on giving advice ? (at a distance, will be over the phone)

OP posts:
tiktok · 26/07/2008 19:53

I agree it's important how people say things...which is why I did not like what QS said about me.

ilovemydog · 26/07/2008 20:03

I think there is room for both; the personal experience and the expert opinion.

Why can't they run side by side?

moondog · 26/07/2008 20:05

They do.
However evidence based practice and up to date peer reviewed research ultimately mean more than what some nice woman in Tesco told you in the queue.

belgo · 26/07/2008 20:06

because people are inclined to think that their own personal experiences turn them into a professional on the subject, especially regarding the upbringing of children.

belgo · 26/07/2008 20:06

but that's not to say that people's own experiences shouldn't be listened to.

HonoriaGlossop · 26/07/2008 20:08

I think the thing is that the expert opinion is often, not always, PURELY about the breastfeeding; it is in isolation from the other areas of life that we all have. It doesn't take into account the other pressures that real life throws into the equation. I think that's where personal experience can be very useful but I do agree with Aitch that basing decisions on one other person's experience is unwise.....however as ilovemydog says, if you take them both together this may help. I think it would have helped me.

Because none of us exist in a single-layer single purpose existence with only one thing to do. Chance would be a fine thing!

constancereader · 26/07/2008 20:09

The 'superior knowledge' of those posting here is exactly what saved breastfeeding for me though. If those people had not posted their expert advice then formula top ups would have meant the end of it.

I am extremely grateful for the superior and expert knowledge of people on this site.

moondog · 26/07/2008 20:12

That applies to everything though Honoria, not just breastfeeding. All we can do is demand and expect up to date info on this matter and make our decisions based on that.

HonoriaGlossop · 26/07/2008 20:18

yes I think that's what I'm saying moondog, up to date info - great.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/07/2008 20:21

Aitch

By what you are saying, nobody should ever advise anybody anything, as they cant know the end result. That does not make sense.

I am sorry you had a bad experience. I am sorry lots of women have had bad experiences. But it is not my fault.

I dont know that my experience is so unique. Most my friends mixed fed, and they did not revert to flask feeding only. They just did the evening feed, and some also did the odd top up.

I think mixed feeding is better if the alternative is giving up alltogether.

If a stressed out and knackered mum is pondering either to give up breastfeeding or letting her dh feed the baby an evening bottle so she can have a sleep, isnt it better to just let them do that? Who are we to say it WILL go down the slippery slope if she does? Maybe it will give her the support and breathing space to feel positive about breastfeeding, and give her the energy to continue? We dont know that. In my opinion it makes sense to do this. But of course, again, being no breastfeeding councillor, I should not say it. Because somebody disagrees. Or have I misunderstood again?

But of course, that is just my personal opinion.

moondog · 26/07/2008 20:25

With any formal advice, we have to assume that it will be distorted andwatered down. Thuis if official line was that ok to mix feed, it could be adisaster for many.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/07/2008 20:27

But moondog, this isnt formal advice. This is peoples experiences. Should we not share?

moondog · 26/07/2008 20:29

Ofcourse not. QS, you represent the matey advice and Tiktok represents the expert advice. People are free to pick and choose but it is good to beclear about what is what and that is what she is doing.

moondog · 26/07/2008 20:30

And I did loads of stuff that was frowned on such as nipple shields and pulling baby off breast.Like you, it worked for me but I don't thnk blanket endorsement is the way

ilovemydog · 26/07/2008 20:41

QS, I think you need to realize that your experience is quite unusual. Great that mixed feeding worked for you. It doesn't for a lot of women and is the beginning of the end for some.

You are absolutely right to share your experience. If it's a choice between giving up breastfeeding completely, then, yes, I agree that mixed feeding can work for some women

At the same time, people should be able to point out that mixed feeding comes with risks, which very fortunately you managed to avoid.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/07/2008 20:45

I dont think anybody sharing their experience is by default "blanket endorsing".

On the same token, you have people like me who was "saved" by mixed feeding, based on Health visitors and breastfeeding councillors advise, and people like Aitch who had a disastrous experience with mixed feeding. OP, and anybody seeking advice will get a multitude of experiences to be inspired by. And somewhere in the middle, they will find their way. And hopefully, peoples experiences, one way or the other will back up what "superior knowledge is saying". And if it doesnt? Well, then I hope there is still room for everybody to have taken part in offering information to feel sure they have tried to help in good faith.

moondog · 26/07/2008 20:47

Er, yes. And your advice was taken on board and Tiktok acknowledged your kind attempts to help another mother.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/07/2008 20:47

ilovemydog, there is miles between giving the options and pointing out the good and the bad, and the risks, and saying "no, dont do it, it wont work".

moondog · 26/07/2008 20:51

For most women it won't work.
Thus not generally good practice to recommend such action without heavy emphasis on possible pitfalls.Which isprecisely what hastranspired.

moondog · 26/07/2008 20:52

Would yuo feel better if nonoe had challenged your advice? Is this about you feeling happy or about women accessing evicence based practice?

ExterminAitch · 26/07/2008 20:53

"By ExterminAitch on Sat 26-Jul-08 00:14:39
absolutely, that's exactly what i'm saying too QS. what is right for one may not be right for the other, and vice versa. however, the stakes of offering formula are very high if you do want to bf but are already operating at the top range of your possible supply. clearly you weren't, but in advising you to top up your HV took a risk on your behalf.

with yourself, however, that was the best advice possible given your own stress levels (ones that i presume the HV was able to observe) so the 'happy mum happy baby' thing may have rung true for you. it may be that the HV calculated that you would be likely to give up bfing altogether without a break for top-ups, and that may have been a very good call on her part. (personally i find that side of things more compelling, better to mix feed than give up altogether at the end of your tether imo, even though it may only be a temporary delay to giving up for a lot of people). an educated decision to mix feed, great, one built on misinformation, not so good."

please note the second para, QS, where i tald about mix feeding. or if you prefer, note the first para where i say that i agree with you that it's not a one-size-fits-all.

but pay particular attention to the last line. an educated decision. perhaps if someone had told me that mix feeding might screw things up for me, i might still have continued with it for reasons of stress etc, but it would have made the emotional fallout fifty zillion times easier to deal with.

and i take issue with my 'disastrous bfing experience'... it's a pretty average bfing experience (for those women who wish to bf) in this country.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/07/2008 20:59

sorry Aitch. Calling it "disastrous breastfeeding experience" was probably not right. I apologize for that.

I think we agree on many levels, it is just not coming out right on my part. I think I feel back up against a wall, but hey ho.

I have my view. And I do realize one glove does not fit all. And I shall leave it at this.

But I still think I have the rigt to voice my opinion and share my experience as much as anybody else.

ilovemydog · 26/07/2008 21:01

qs - all I can relay is my personal experience.

The advice I have received from past threads has been to look at a specific policy or research. I have never been told that 'x won't work...'

moondog · 26/07/2008 21:01

Course you do.

ExterminAitch · 26/07/2008 21:09

but OF COURSE you do, you scandinavian twit, and yes, i do think we absolutely agree.

it's just that one thing you said, at least in this country, has been discredited (according to what medical bfing people told me, certainly) and that really seemed to get on your marvellously lactating tits.

thing is, had you said that if it comes down to a decision between mix feeding and not doing it at all, then mix is better, i'd have been right behind you cos that's what i believe too (and as i understand it there's research to back that up).

and tbh, we don't know anything much about the OP's pal's circumstances, the only thing that chimed for me personally was the hinting that she'll feel bad if she's not bfing... and as i said in my first post on this thread, she may just be saying that cos she thinks it's what her friend the arch bfer wants to hear.

but the idea that no-one wants to hear from you, QS, what rot... you know i'll want to listen to anything you've got to say. especially if it's about lorry drivers and their dinner.