I am really glad i didn't breastfeed

[gracemargaret]

I am mum to 2 ff dds (6 and 7 now) and as a new mum I actually didn't produce any breast milk at all (not very bovine). I now look back and am really resentful of how I was made to feel by nurses/health visitors etc. Firstly they let my dd go a whole 5 days without anything at all to "just give my milk a chance to come in" (it didn't despite her latching on like a dream) - After nights of her screaming hour after hour and only being able to calm her with teaspoons of boiled water I gave her some formula (which I'd had to go and buy as was completely unprepared having planned to BF) but was so ashamed (after HVs tales of mothers "giving up") I hid it when anyone came round. I even allowed myself to be rigged up to a feeding bottle with tubes that I had to stick to my boobs with surgical tape every feed (used for mums who adopt) but still nothing. At no point, despite producing no milk, crying when the HV visited and my dd not gaining weight, did anyone suggest giving her a bottle wich I now feel was a despicable way to treat a new mum and her baby. I eventually realised a few things though - Breastfeeding is ONLY best for baby IF IT IS BEST FOR MUM - Rather than my daughters having a tired mum, with cracked sore nipples, having to do all the feeds, unable to go out without leaking milk all over the place, they had a mum whose husband did half the feeds, who wasn't exhausted, and who now has two daughters who haven't been to the Drs for anything except immunisations and are working way above expected level for their ages at school. The way I look at it is that yes BF is natural but in the past women HAD to BF - we don't have to now - we are supposed to have CHOICE. By all means if it comes naturally to you and you don't get cracked nipples/mastitis/turned off by the thought of cabbage leaves in your bra then go ahead for the miniscule and debatable health benefit, however looking at the kind of things being posted in this forum I think a lot of women (and therefore babies) would be far better and happier "giving up" and hitting the bottle!!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=1364&threadid=499948#10112454
See this thread firstname-very interesting

But I don't really know as I havn't ffed. I know lots of people here couldn't bfeed - maybe if it was recognised for them as a medical issue, wiuth prescriptions and everything, they wouldn't feel they had to explain it wasn't cos they 'didn't try hard enough'. Maybe? (ready to be corrected)

I wish i had the energy sushi but I dont i should never have come on this thread! stupid of me.

Thanks MrsR, will ahve a read

Yeah, I know firstname that the practical implications are impossible! Because then you start to say well, if a baby not eating is an emergency and you live far from a chemist then it has to be treated like another emergency - with an ambulance. The crew of which would have to know how to support the mother to try to re-establish bfeeding if she could, or provide formula if she couldn't. I know it's stupid really! But it would make the 'choices' about bfeeding and ffeeding clearer maybe.

...or maybe tomrrow i will read at a more sensible hour! (334 posts )

y'know Starlight, with that experience and one or two more i had in the early days, it became crystal clear to me how a mother can shake her baby to death. it was a very scary realisation for me for it taught me that there are unplumbed depths to my own humanity. i am no martyr btw. i am finding it useful to bring this all out as I am pg with my second (as you know) and the ghosts of those dark days are haunting me right now.

Hey, it's all hypothetical anyhow! And will never happen! And I know it's silly!

Just thank god I don't run the department of health

My other policy would be to move all bus stops two feet to the left....

I doubt it. For me it was never a choice until it came to the crunch and the decison had to be forcibly made. You cant assume everyone has time to make an informed, rational decision, nor that that decision can ever be made 'easy'.

Though I accept that for some peeps BF was never in the picture, and it was easy.

and now i am definitely going to bed.

Oh sorry kiskidee x posts, not a good moment to be humerous.

It really isn't that uncommon to be unable to BF. Where the 'breast is best' message falls down is in not acknowledging that and suggesting that mothers who do not BF are thick, lazy and selfish.

no offence taken.

My experience suggests to me that there has been a huge swing in supporting BF against FF but maybe I'm wrong. When I had my first DD 13 years ago I was met with eye rolling and the offer of a bottle when I insisted on BF despite difficulties, it was slightly better but not much a few years later with No. 2. However by the time I got to Baby 3 and Baby 4 the eye rolling was definitely reserved for those who opted to FF and as I said earlier I was appalled that FF mums had to 'steal' a bottle from the hospital for the journey home. I really don't think any feelings of guilt or failure just come only from within. My DD4 was switched to FF for particular reasons and I got a few comments from other mothers including "oh thats a shame did you not think about BF". I was annoyed that I felt the need to defend myself .

I read your post and wondered about the sort of communication that was going on between you and the people caring for you after your birth.

Around here if women express a wish to stop breastfeeding they're supported to formula feed.

The only women who are offered intensive encouragement and support (like being shown how to use a supplemental feeding system) are generally those who have expressed a wish to continue breastfeeding in the face of significant problems.

I'm wondering why the health professionals who were supporting you were unaware of your wish not to continue to struggle with breastfeeding. Was it down to their insensitivy or down to your own ambivalence - that you failed to make it clear to them that you wanted to cut your losses and stop.

I get the feeling that this happens a lot. Women want health professionals to tell them to stop breastfeeding, rather than to have to take responsibility for the decision themselves. But that puts the HP in a very difficult position. For every woman like yourself who feels angry about being encouraged to continue in the face of major breastfeeding difficulties, there'll be someone else who on being advised to 'cut their losses' , weeks and months and even years down the line feels angry and betrayed because she feels that had she had more encouragement she might have been able to continue breastfeeding.

Health professionals supporting breastfeeding mums CAN'T second guess them - it has to be down to you to make a decision.

"I Rather than my daughters having a tired mum, with cracked sore nipples, havieventually realised a few things though - Breastfeeding is ONLY best for baby IF IT IS BEST FOR MUM -ng to do all the feeds, unable to go out without leaking milk all over the place,"

I could find you a hundred women of my own personal aquaintance who experienced all those things in the early days with their new babies (myself included) who went on to have hugely happy and rewarding experiences of breastfeeding, so I'm afraid what you say is not true of everyone. Your experience is not representative of the full breastfeeding experience. You had all the difficulties and none of the rewards - I'm sorry for you.

"My experience suggests to me that there has been a huge swing in supporting BF against FF but maybe I'm wrong"

Historically we're in a very weird place re breastfeeding 'support'.

I feel very, very sorry for this generation of mothers.

We're encouraged to breastfeed by health professionals and by health promotion materials, but every single other aspect of the health care system militates against us succeeding with it.

Our daughters should be ok when they have their babies... hopefully. After 20 or so years of BFI training in hospitals.

Sigh.....

took my milk a long time to come in (6 days)

dd managed ok on just colostrum but lost a pound in weight

OK it was pretty stressful but on the whole I'm glad I stuck with it and managed to breastfeed, IMO it was worth it

never did the cabbage leaf thing!

"No, as you say, a baby not eating is an EMERGENCY"

Well....... depends how long they haven't eaten for doesn't it? And whether they're dehydrated?

I think the 3am scenario is a very common one. Yes - it's horrible and scary and stressful, but if the baby isn't in immediate danger of dehydration or actual starvation (which would happen over the course of several days and maybe even weeks - not hours) then it's surely not a medical emergency.

If babies become seriously dehydrated and ill from breastfeeding failure it's usually something that happens over the course of a few days - not 12 hours!

Sabire - I agree with you but IU think it is wider than the issue you describe to do with Health Professionals. the whole culture militates against successful bf
I always think it is a miracle anyone bfs.

"the whole culture militates against successful bf"

I so agree.

I haven't read all the posts but the OP seems very angry and I get the impression that she didn't want to breast feed anyway with comments like bovine.Health officials would try to get you to breast feed, it is most definitely best for the baby. I found it difficult with my first DC but I wanted to succeed which is half the battle. There are always those who can't do it and turn to the bottle but I don't see why you have to get so angry!

I completely understand and agree with the OP's sentiments, although put across in a slightly defensive/angry way. Not saying I could have phrased it better though... its a very sensitive topic and easy to make/take offence by stating an opinion.

The way I see it is is... yes, BF is best for the baby. I know that and pretty much everyone knows that. But BF is a massive struggle for a lot of women. Some people think that any amount of struggle/pain/distress for the mother is worth going through for the benefits of the breast milk getting in to the baby.
Personally, I think not in a lot of cases. I feel that a miserable and hurting Mum is not good for the baby and a Mum that has barely any time to spend with the older kids is no good for them. I cant say that the pay off of getting breast milk into the baby is worth it because the benefits of breast milk, although known to be 'better' just cant be quantified accurately.
I couldnt BF my first child (really, I couldnt.. not 'didnt try') for medical reasons. My second I gave it a good go (in my opinion) I BF for 8 days... long painful days, full of tears and my older child not getting any attention. I then took the decision to change to FF. It was a very hard decision but I dont regret it having made that choice (and it IS my choice to make!).

I just think that there are so many aspects of parenting where there is clearly a 'better' way to do things, but that cant be quantified (in a similar way to BF vs FF)... One example is that I feed my son home cooked healthy food rather than convenience foods or jars, which has got to be better for his health in the long term, but this, amongst other things, doesnt have such a debate raging about it and doesnt cause people to look down on others in the same way as BF vs FF does.

I am not very good at explaining myself clearly but I just really wanted to say that although one way is known to be 'better' for baby (which is the case with many many other aspects of parenting too!), it is still a choice and as such everyones choice should be respected.
I have seen some horrible comments on various other threads regarding FF Mums being 'lazy' 'not trying hard enough' etc etc and just think that kind of talk is wrong and not helpful!

but ntas would as many women struggle if they had good support from people who knew what they were talking about?
of the 5 rl friends inc me who gave birth last year 4 bf no (or minor) probs, one bf for 2 weeks then ff.
anecdotal evidence - but if it's good enough for everyone else...

You're obviously not pleased you ff your DD's GM, otherwise you wouldn't still be so angry about it. Sorry you had such a bad experience, but internalising crap support as meaning BF is unnecessary and undermining women who do it, is not a valid way to deal with what happened to you ime. There's plenty of support here for people who want to work through their experiences in a reasonable and respectful manner.

1. Even if you have a negative experience of bf, does this mean you should tell other women to only ff, therefore doing exactly what you have accused the HPs of in your case, and FORCING one method of feeding on them, while implying that women who bf are a bit strange and uncivilised?

1. It's a normal thing to do and a skill, so women need more support learning this skill - you wouldn't be expected to jump in a car and just drive would you?

1. FF has financial and health implications for families, not just 'miniscule' benefits.

1. There is little or no practical support to help women recover from labour eg family or friends who can run the rest of the house while a woman recovers, so of course bf may be an additional challenge, but one that usually has a high level of rewards.

1. Newborns are exhausting, the sleep deprivation is unbelievable, nothing prepares you (IMHO) so should we be more honest with women about how bf babies will need feeding more frequently and you may be more tired, BUT your lactating hormones help to stabilise this (tO an extent) and IT DOES GET BETTER...

1. I have not seen any bf mums on here trying to FORCE women to BF, only offer information and advice. Why do you feel the need to try and force women to FF?