I am really glad i didn't breastfeed

[gracemargaret]

I am mum to 2 ff dds (6 and 7 now) and as a new mum I actually didn't produce any breast milk at all (not very bovine). I now look back and am really resentful of how I was made to feel by nurses/health visitors etc. Firstly they let my dd go a whole 5 days without anything at all to "just give my milk a chance to come in" (it didn't despite her latching on like a dream) - After nights of her screaming hour after hour and only being able to calm her with teaspoons of boiled water I gave her some formula (which I'd had to go and buy as was completely unprepared having planned to BF) but was so ashamed (after HVs tales of mothers "giving up") I hid it when anyone came round. I even allowed myself to be rigged up to a feeding bottle with tubes that I had to stick to my boobs with surgical tape every feed (used for mums who adopt) but still nothing. At no point, despite producing no milk, crying when the HV visited and my dd not gaining weight, did anyone suggest giving her a bottle wich I now feel was a despicable way to treat a new mum and her baby. I eventually realised a few things though - Breastfeeding is ONLY best for baby IF IT IS BEST FOR MUM - Rather than my daughters having a tired mum, with cracked sore nipples, having to do all the feeds, unable to go out without leaking milk all over the place, they had a mum whose husband did half the feeds, who wasn't exhausted, and who now has two daughters who haven't been to the Drs for anything except immunisations and are working way above expected level for their ages at school. The way I look at it is that yes BF is natural but in the past women HAD to BF - we don't have to now - we are supposed to have CHOICE. By all means if it comes naturally to you and you don't get cracked nipples/mastitis/turned off by the thought of cabbage leaves in your bra then go ahead for the miniscule and debatable health benefit, however looking at the kind of things being posted in this forum I think a lot of women (and therefore babies) would be far better and happier "giving up" and hitting the bottle!!

not read the whole thread but i do find the op annoying

'bovine' is not a pleasant term when applied to a human and i would hesitate ever to use it - despite being a real 'cow lover'

I breastfeed my kids because its best. Actually i really dont like it and love giving bottles . I bf them all for a round a year.

I never criticise formula feeders for the choices they make but IME they have an easier ride

grace, will you please stop talking about what you and people you have spoken to think about bfing pressure as if it's some political reality? it isn't.

i frankly don't believe that you are in a place to have an unbiased conversation with anyone about this, your posts scream of still-raw pain 6 years later. why on earth would anyone in RL, faced with you talking about what you went through, say, 'er no, it wasn't like that for me'? i doubt you'd listen in any case.

you've ignored me, hercules, sparklygothkat and others saying they wish they'd had less pressure to top up. you are ignoring the fact that the campaign to get people bfing is not at the moment successful (which is odd, isn't it, if you agree that most people actually try bfing and are capable) and in fact it's bfing that is the aberration, not formula.

i've used a supplementer, by the way, it's just not something you can get 'hooked up' to without consent. you must have wanted to bf very much to persevere with such a pita contraption at 6 weeks.

i have The Greatest Sympathy for your inability to bf your child, i have Been There. I have been there, trying my arse off, and had them say after 8 weeks 'well it could be hormonal, it could be to do with your beta-blockers, it could be to do with your PCOS'. they say this because they have ruled out everything else, and you have helped them to do that. and so did i. and frankly imo they would have been wrong to make guesses for you prior to trying everything to help you.

you are lashing out at the wrong people here. why not direct your anger towards making things better for the next woman in your situation, rather than insulting people on here? you can, as i have done, ask for your notes and get a peer review done so that the people you dealt with will be given training if it is deemed that they need it.

but you just might have to suck up the fact that in the end, they did right by you and it was your treacherous body that ballsed it up for you. it hurts, i know, but that might be the beginning and end of it.

yeah about that price bb99, though my dh chuckles because so far I have cost him/us x2 tubes of lanothingy for sore nips, couple of non feeding feeding tops!, countless breastpad boxes, nipple shields, used half of one feed!,breast shells and a couple of emergency formula cartons (had sterilising stuff from first time around)plus my better diet during the days seriously though it's all worth it to help me in our eyes, and me kerbing car tyre was more shocking in price

Martha - hadn't thought about the hidden costs of bf! Lanistuff is horribly expensive!

totally agree with Aitch

i thikn the pain of failure , whether that is how you think people perceive not breastfeeding, or how you feel inside, informs a lot of what is said on here

i have really not seen this so called condemnation or likening formula to fruit shoots or calling formula feeding mums lazy or selfish etc..

i think a lot of the time the breastfeeding mums feel that FF mums have it harder, more work in actually washing, sterilising, making bottles etc.... which when a new born is feeding every couple of hours , is a PITA

i wish that in RL i had had 1/millionth of the support to breastfeed that is seen on mumsnet, maybe then i would not have 'failed'

This sort of thread upsets everyone. EVERYONE.

What was the point.

exorcising a few demons, methinks. except it was more exercising in the end. she just took them out for a wee a run round the block, and until she makes something positive out of this that's all she will continue to do imo. shame, really, when it could be different for others if she spoke up.

kiskidee and aitch said it for me

completely agree lulumama - it seems to me that ff takes much more effort stress and organisation, whereas bf is comparatively easy. I feel lazy carrying on because I can't be arsed to get out of bed and go to kitchen in the middle of the night. I don't know why everyone gets so upset about it, and maybe Grace just had a moment of weirdness

Aitch - good point about those 'exercised' demons...they've been round the block a number of times now, and nipped at everyone's heels

Grace - you have clearly got a lot of resentment, or you would not sound quite so hurt and angry 6 (yes, six) years on. You may regret persevering with breastfeeding now, but that's not anyone's 'fault' but yours...you had a nursing supplementer, FGS, which to me says you led everyone around you at the time to believe breastfeeding was something you really wanted to do....the way you describe it, you were forced to use it, and that's not possible.

You had a horrible time, and you feel sad about it now. No shame in sharing that. Why be so bitter with everyone here?

Yes....horrible time I've had - still unable to let go, exorcise those demons and move on. All comments actually motivated by a deep seated and subconcious guilt about not being able to offer my dds a good start in life. Should have tried harder. Feeling awful about failing my daughters and clearly what makes me feel much better is having a go at bf mothers in an attempt to jusify the "wrong" decision I made. Hugely remorseful about being untruthful and deceiving my poor well meaning Health visitor and now think I might go off and beat my "treacherous" body.

Goodbye all I have much enjoyed reading all your supportive comments.

must go and graze

gm, how can you possibly expect rational women to be supportive of your stance?

You are not saying anything anyone informed can support.

As Aitch has already observed, you have 'exercised' not 'excorised' your demons once again then.

you didn't make a decision, you silly woman. nor did i. no-one's suggesting you should feel guilty for ffing, i don't and nor should you. sometimes our bodies don't do what we want them to do, but there's no point in lashing out at those who are luckier than us in that regard.

gm maybe your post would be better off on the bounty site.... I hear they might be a bit more on your side.

Sorry, should identify myself - moo moo

I met a girl who was studying in NZ, from Bangkok a little while ago and she was off home for the holidays. She took a whole suitcase full of formula tins with her because over there they are $80NZ (about 31 pounds I think) a tin! I think their bf rates must be pretty good. So I wonder if the prescription idea would work - but it would be a nightmare to institute.

We'd have women meeting in the middle of the night for black market trading, in trenchcoats and balaclavas (that's a joke, not meant to offend anybody, just seemed so ludicrous in my imagination )

No one's saying you made a decision, gm...everyone understands you ended up ff when you planned to bf, and you have had nothing but acceptance for that and understanding, and no one as far as I can see has suggested you should have tried harder.

You have thrown support back in people's faces, to be honest, by deliberately twisting and inventing comments - not nice.

I understand your bitterness and anger, but after this length of time it's unreasonable to persist in belittling and insulting (yes) women who did breastfeed in the face of challenge, and suggesting, as you did in your OP, that they and their babies would be 'better' and 'happier' formula feeding...don't you think that's up to them?

And here's nothing 'subconscious' or 'deep seated' about your guilt, gm....it's right there on the surface

Aitch has explained why you don't need to feel that way, and how innappropriately directed your comments are.

comments would have been supportive (as on thousands of other threads) if you hadn't got people's backs up immediately with your insults, generalisations and stereotypes.
"miniscule and debatable health benefit"
do you know ANYTHING?

I read this thread last night and it has to be the most bizarre thread I've read in a while.

I think you should speak to someone about this GraceMargaret - you have such bitterness and anger about it all. Perhaps chat to your GP as I think that you should be able to let go a bit after 6 years.

GM, sounds like you had the same horrible bullying midwives that my sister experienced. She ended up FF because those evil bitches made b/f such a horrid experience for her. Had her on a strict timetable that gave her no time to rest and just cuddle up to my niece - so ridiculous that she got swollen ankles, she was on her feet so much. And forced her into getting strapped up to some stupid expressing machine that was a. horrid and b. very off-putting. If they'd just left her alone with her baby and actually helped her with any problems I'm sure she would have been just fine - or at least stood a chance.

However, your OP was appalling. Very nasty attack on b/f. There's no need to be vicious towards other mothers because you had a bad experience.

Gracemargaret, I haven't read all the responses to your op, but my experience was the opposite - desperate to bf but being told by nurses and hvs to ff as I didn't seem to be 'any good' at bf. It is horrible when things don't go the way you planned, and when other people are forcing you down one route when you are a new mum and are too weak or inexperienced to fight it.